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Old 03-11-2010, 09:00 PM
lvchris lvchris is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1
Default New and anxious

My boyfriend has told me from the beginging of our relationship that he felt the need to explore Poly. I was closed to the idea and he dropped it. We became very close and very much in love. However it seems something is missing for him. I approach the subject and he would say he just did not know, he was in a weird emotional place. Turns out he was struggling with feelings for his ex of 5 years and his new found love for me. At fisrt I was horrified and put a wedge between us and he stuck by me but longing to explore what it all meant. He has always been honest with me and true to his word but I was jealous of this image of a woman that had a hold on him. I felt threatend. Finally he took me to meet her and it seemed to be going well but as the night progressed she became jealous of his new found love. She was rude and I asked to leave. He seemed upset at her as well and we left. I was very upset and told him I wanted to know what her jealousy could mean to us. He asked for some space. During his 3 days of space I read The Ethical Slut. I am very open and willing to the idea of a Poly relationship with him. While on this short break he slept with her and discovered it is just sexual and friendship between them and that in no way could they be in a relationship. I am ok with that and want to do this with him, How do we get this started without ruining what we have? Any advise and direction is very appreciated! Thank you!
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Old 03-12-2010, 12:57 PM
RickPlus's Avatar
RickPlus RickPlus is offline
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Vancouver BC
Posts: 53

Hi lvchris,
Welcome to the forums!

I am troubled that he slept with her before you were OK with it. I am also troubled that he 'rewarded' her after she was rude to you. Other than that, your start is pretty much the way a lot of people here started with slightly uneasy beginnings.

I am a bit unclear what you and he want from this point forward. He says that they are just sexual and friendly, but that in no way could they be in a relationship. But sleeping with someone and being friends IS in a relationship. Or is he saying he is breaking it off with her after this fling?

One thing that I have not heard you discuss is what are the boundaries and agreements for your relationship. I would suggest that these get discussed carefully. These agreements are not 'rules'. The thread below discusses this.

Newbie - what rules do you suggest?

You may wish to read post in the forum. This is an index of internal and external links I found useful.
Index to some threads from new to poly category.

You may wish to write back and give us more details, and more specific questions. Your current post lacks the details that our posters can sink their teeth into.

Warm regards, Rick.

Last edited by RickPlus; 03-15-2010 at 12:19 PM.
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Old 03-14-2010, 09:38 AM
FitChick FitChick is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 100

Did he tell you he was going to sleep with her BEFORE he did? If not,then even though you were on a short break,he should have been upfront about his intentions. I know my primary is still sleeping with his ex,he told me and initially I found it difficult because she has said some nasty things about me. However once we discussed it,he made it clear that he won't let her wreck what we have.

Rick is right,some boundaries need to be worked out with all 3 of you because your expectations of this relationship may be different to both hers and his and in order for it to work,everything needs to be laid out in the open. It is possible(though not absolute) she may have an ulterior motive so it would be wise to keep your ears and gut open to subtle changes in the dynamic.
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