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  #11  
Old 10-16-2013, 05:03 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
I doubt T would appreciate being referred to as a kind of tool used to improve existing relationships.
She is not a tool. And she is very aware how my relationship with her has helped my marriage. We speak openly about it.
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  #12  
Old 10-16-2013, 05:12 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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And a quick comment on the term promiscuity. I only used it as T is having some issues with maybe being on a sex bender. I'm not judging her lifestyle at all. I'm just looking for advice on how to discuss how the amount of sex partners is making me uncomfortable regarding safer sex. It is this new information that has me wanting to have a more in depth conversation.
I got tested 2 weeks ago as well.
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  #13  
Old 10-16-2013, 06:39 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Im very blunt and would be "you're using a condom right?"

bottom line is she's a grown up and she can make the choices she wants. im sure she knows the risks and if she gets an STD then that's on her. If you dont want an STD then you should use protection and maybe only have sex with people who have safe sex practices.

N and J have a deal, they both use condoms with other partners and if at any time one of them chooses to go barrier free with another partner then they will go back to condoms. If N decided he wanted to have multiple barrier free partners then I would choose to use condoms with him.
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Last edited by Inyourendo; 10-16-2013 at 06:42 PM.
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  #14  
Old 10-16-2013, 08:00 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I am just looking for how to approach it without making her feel judged.
Keep it simple -- Don't judge her and tell her your intent. If she feels judged anyway? Reassure her you are not judging her decisions. This is about YOUR personal limitations.

Everyone has one. Whether 1 other lover, 10, 100, 1000... everyone has a certain limit to their comfort zone. If you have reached your personal limit, you have reached your personal limit. Sort it out with her.

Just get it out there.

Even a simple

"Thanks for sharing this information. I'm not entirely comfortable with this new info at this time but I appreciate your honesty. Could you be willing to talk to me about what that might mean for our own relationship's sex practices?"


Whatever you want to use as the icebreaker -- just do it. And have the conversation you want to have.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-16-2013 at 08:04 PM.
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  #15  
Old 10-16-2013, 10:14 PM
london london is offline
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She will feel judged because you are judging her. You feel that more partners mean less chance of using condoms which isn't the case. Liking sex doesn't make you stupid.
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  #16  
Old 10-16-2013, 10:34 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
She will feel judged because you are judging her. You feel that more partners mean less chance of using condoms which isn't the case. Liking sex doesn't make you stupid.
Seriously, I sense that you are judging me for wanting to find a way to talk to her about safe see, now that I have some additional info. I have no problem with her having multiple partners. But I have barrier free sex with her, and I feel some anxiousness because of this info.
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  #17  
Old 10-16-2013, 10:52 PM
london london is offline
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What I am judging is why you think more partners mean unsafe sex. If she had one partner, she might ne having unsafe sex with him, that would put you and your wife at risk. You only felt unsafe when you found out how many people she fucks. This led you to make assumptions about how she fucks them. It seems that you feel promiscuous people are more likely to have unsafe sex. That kind of thinking is sex negative, judgemental and all round small minded. If you want to ask again about her practices with others, just ask. But if I was her and I picked up on the fact that you only had this fear of me being lapse with my sexual health once you knew I fucked more than you and wifey believe people should, it would be one of the last conversations we had as romantic and/or sexual partners. This is why I am suggesting very strongly that you examine why you think the way you do.
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  #18  
Old 10-17-2013, 04:26 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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In the end you can only protect yourself against your partners.

You can refuse to have sex with her, unless you know she is protected, but in the end its her decision to do what she wants with her body...

and its your option to protect yourself in any way.

Quote:
When we started having sex, we had a safer sex discussion, and we have been not using protection.
Start using protection, have the conversation again and figure out what you require to feel safe, and remember in the end all you can do is change your relationship with her, you can't force her to changes hers with them.

10 partners, with multiple potential partners, if unprotected, add up quickly to a butt load of unprotected sex. ..
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  #19  
Old 10-18-2013, 05:41 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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So, here is my follow-up on my conversation with T.

I appreciate the feedback and especially Galagirl's and inyourendo's advice on how to broach the topic.

I talked to T a couple of nights ago about safe sex, and whether she uses protection with her other men. She was very open about the conversation and assured me that I am the only man she has unprotected sex with, primarily because she knows my dynamic, that I am married, and I communicate with her about safe sex, who I am sleeping with, that I've had a vasectomy, as well as sharing my STI test results. She feels safe with me.

This is specific to intercourse, and my wife and I are comfortable with this, though I know this is not considered 'safe sex'...

Her concerns about having been on a bender are that she is feeling comfortable sharing with me that she wants to only have certain men in her life, and we had a nice conversation about who they are.

I feel better having had the discussion.

Thanks!
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  #20  
Old 10-18-2013, 07:44 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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There you go.

You felt awkward, did it ANYWAY, had your conversation, and now you feel better.

Good for you!

GG
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