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  #11  
Old 10-17-2013, 11:39 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is online now
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I do not do the whole primary /secondary relationship thing. I love Murf as much as my legal husband. Hell. I consider him my second husband and treat him accordingly. If Murf and I are both happy there is no reason we cannot continue on forever.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
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  #12  
Old 10-17-2013, 12:57 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkling View Post
Why would I sign up for a relationship that has a shelf life from the start? It sounds painful.
The end of a relationship can be quite painful, depending on the circumstances. Am I correct in interpreting this to mean that you have never been party to a relationship ending? Friend, family, lover...?

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Originally Posted by Darkling View Post
I also have lived in the mono-get-married-and-stay-together-for-life model that it seems really strange to entertain the idea of pursuing another relationship knowing that it will end at some point.
This statement blows my mind. In the same sentence you have stated that it is a foregone conclusion that any relationship with the mono-for-life stamp on it will in fact last for life... and any other relationship is doomed for failure.

Just because you have stated that your mono-mate-for-life preference has no bearing on whether it will last for life. Some rare relationships are the very first one for both people, they mate for life, they constructively and positively tackle every difficulty life has to offer, their sex drives remain perfectly compatible for their entire lives, and they have compatible philosophy growth for their entire lives. If this happens I'd say that is one for the record books. Assuming that it's going to happen just because that's the way it's supposed to... that is almost blind optimism.

The defeatist approach that a relationship can't last simply because it doesn't have the mono-forever stamp is setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is also applying traditional life-long-mono viewpoints onto a relationship style to which it doesn't apply.
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  #13  
Old 10-17-2013, 02:47 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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On one hand I understand your worry. I'm married, hubby and I have kids, we've both discussed it and neither of us want more kids so have taken care of that issue on our ends. That means, my boyfriend one day will want kids, probably a wife. I can't be that for him, so does that mean that at some point this relationship will end?


Maybe.

I agree with Marcus here that you are putting the cart before the horse and setting yourself up for pain. Relationships end, many times you are dating someone and it ends. Amicably or not. So? You stop dating? Forever??

Each relationship is it's own relationship. Meaning if you subscribe to the idea of poly you understand that a relationship is not successful or fulfilling solely on the basis of ending in marriage and kids! It's successful if it's loving, if it works for the people involved.


My current boyfriend and I have discussed this a lot, and the discussion has changed over time. At first, we sort of tried to accept that at some point, he may have to say goodbye to me. That if he meets a woman he is wanting to marry and have kids with, she's going to want him all to herself. Then it evolved. He's happy with this model and while we both understand that especially with NRE and all that he may back off a bit, spend a little less time with me while they are building their relationship, why does it mean that I CAN'T remain in his life?

Now a days we have discussions on how he hopes any future relationship and I get along and how I plan on spoiling their children just because I can!

The point is, why go into it assuming it will fail? Maybe you will break up maybe you won't, but why is that dependent on the fact that you are already married? If someone is dating you and knows you are married they should be pretty aware that the relationship model you two will have will not include a legal marriage and be okay with it! Lots of successful relationships have nothing to do with marriage!
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  #14  
Old 10-17-2013, 04:05 PM
Darkling Darkling is offline
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Cool Bad metaphor, but...

Hey folks,

Thank you so much for all of the replies! I'm sure some of this feeling comes from my particular situation. In my marriage, I am the one who suggested that we consider non-monogamy. I wasn't interested in something casual, either sex or a minor fling with the person I had this crush on. OK, this is a bad metaphor, but I was so into him on a bunch of different levels that I was totally ready to bring this person home like a puppy (OMG, I'm so into him, he's so fucking hot, and he followed me home--can I keep him?). In the end when I asked that guy if he was into me, well, he wasn't.

In the meantime, my husband has met someone that he wants to date. I really like her, even if I don't want to date her myself, and I completely support him pursuing a relationship with her. She likes doing some things I don't (takes pressure off of me), her son is adorable, and when she comes over she just feels like she could be family. But my husband feels guilty about the whole thing since my crush didn't work out. He even offered to go get me a new puppy. The thing with my crush just sort of happened, I wasn't expecting it, and now I can't see why I would go out and purposely try to meet anyone else. I don't want a new puppy, I'm still totally miserable over the last one. Conversely, everything in my life is going great right now with the exception of that one disappointment. I don't want casual, apparently, but with that intensity of emotion there is the potential for a proportional amount of discomfort.

The person I had a crush on...I think the situation would have been like Vixtoria. I don't want any more kids, and I assume that he would at some point have wanted to do the whole get married and have kids thing. Him having a primary partner would have been fine.

I think I am just going to get on with my life for the moment, and see if I can get to the "acceptance" stage of grief.

Thanks again,

~darkling
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  #15  
Old 10-17-2013, 04:18 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Perhaps a bizarre take on relationships: I've ONLY signed up for monogamous relationships with expiration dates.

My thought was, suppose I meet someone else I want to be intimate with? I'll only have to move on anyways. Best to just not get too involved and have an easy out ("I'm moving the country; I'm graduating college), rather than have to tell the person, "I just don't want to be with you anymore."

Now that I'm poly, I'm realizing, I don't HAVE to have an exit strategy. If I fall in love with another person, I can bring them INTO my life, rather than transition to a new life. I don't have to worry about getting emotionally attached. I can freely fall in love with my partner, and know that I'm never going to have to make a choice between them and someone else.
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  #16  
Old 10-17-2013, 05:05 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Thank you for clarifying.

If you are just starting to get over a loss (your crush did not return the same feelings) then it seems natural to be at the "Why? Why me? Why this?" place. That doesn't mean all of life or relationships are doom. It could mean you are still sad about THIS recent thing.

Like you said -- you could wait to arrive at acceptance.

Quote:
I don't want a new puppy, I'm still totally miserable over the last one. Conversely, everything in my life is going great right now with the exception of that one disappointment.
To me? That statement seems to recognize you are sad right now, but can also pull back and get some perspective. Maybe you just want your spouse to back off rushing you into dating anew so he can feel less guilty about having his gf? Give you space to be sad and get past it in your own time?

Hang in there.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-17-2013 at 05:07 PM.
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  #17  
Old 10-18-2013, 12:49 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkling View Post
I was totally ready to bring this person home like a puppy (OMG, I'm so into him, he's so fucking hot, and he followed me home--can I keep him?).

He even offered to go get me a new puppy. The thing with my crush just sort of happened, I wasn't expecting it, and now I can't see why I would go out and purposely try to meet anyone else. I don't want a new puppy, I'm still totally miserable over the last one.
This has really helped me. My boyfriend gets a lot from me that he doesn't get from his wife, and I've actually been a little concerned about how he's going to handle it when it's over. But a new puppy to replace the old one who's leaving him...this is a great idea!
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  #18  
Old 10-19-2013, 01:44 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkling View Post
In the meantime, my husband has met someone that he wants to date . . . But my husband feels guilty about the whole thing since my crush didn't work out.
Well, tell your hubs that it's not a race! There is no rule in poly that says each person in a committed partnership must have the same exact number of relationships at the same time. Does he count how many friends you have and then make sure to either pursue someone to gain a new friend, or dump an old friend, just so you are both "even?" Of course not. You are two individuals, life has ebbs and flows, enjoy it. Attraction, romance, and love happens in its own time and place...
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #19  
Old 10-19-2013, 10:18 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkling View Post
Why would I sign up for a relationship that has a shelf life from the start? It sounds painful.
This actually came up in bi group yesterday. Someone there was dating a guy and didn't see it leading to a long-term relationship, but they liked him and didn't want to break up just because they would never get married. She's young and hasn't dated much, so she was really enjoying being in a relationship, and she really likes him... just doesn't see him as future husband material... She was looking for validation for her desire to stay in the relationship and not worry about its finite lifespan.

We were all more than happy to give it to her. I'm a big fan of living in the moment. The future will happen soon enough without troubling over it too much right now. If you're enjoying what you're doing, the people you're with, then don't think of them as having a shelf life. What an awful thought. Maybe it will end eventually, maybe it won't. But if you get caught up on "when is this going to end?" then it's just a matter of time.

For that matter, being married doesn't mean you'll never break up, either. Of course we all expect our marriages to last forever when we walk down the aisle, but statistically that's foolish.

I don't see my relationship with Auto as having a built-in shelf life. Just because we'll never get married doesn't mean we'll eventually have to break up. There's nothing wrong with just being unmarried partners in perpetuity.

Quote:
Does this concern make sense to anyone?
Not really, nope.

Quote:
Does everyone really end up with a loving extended family of ex-lovers?
Absolutely not. I'm not sure I'd even want that. Nope, pretty sure I wouldn't. I like the past in the past.

Quote:
Or do they end up with a collection of uncomfortable exes that pop up periodically to cause problems?
Is that the only other option?

I've always been pretty careful about ending relationships in good standing. My exes don't cause any problems at all. When I run into them, it's just like running into an old friend from high school.

Before you got married, you must have dated? Did you worry about ending up with a pile of exes then? Why worry about it now? I guess if you didn't really date before getting married, you have nothing to compare to... but most people do have to date a few people before finding their life partners, and to my knowledge accumulating exes isn't a huge concern in the dating game.
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 10-19-2013 at 10:25 AM.
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  #20  
Old 10-23-2013, 01:34 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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All relationships are temporary (in the scheme of things)
What you take away from them can be life long.

Quote:
Before you got married, you must have dated? Did you worry about ending up with a pile of exes then? Why worry about it now? I guess if you didn't really date before getting married, you have nothing to compare to... but most people do have to date a few people before finding their life partners, and to my knowledge accumulating exes isn't a huge concern in the dating game.
Ditto.. 100% ditto!!!!
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