New baby-mama in the picture... drama?
So, I just got knocked for a loop.
Morp and I met online in March. We started talking every day July 1, started dating July 16. We “officially” got in a relationship on September 7. So this is a really really new relationship.
A week ago he was contacted by an ex girlfriend, I'll call her L. They had broken up March a year ago, and had not been in contact since then (so 18 or 19 months). He didn't tell me she contacted him until yesterday, cause that's when the paternity test came back, 99.99% chance of her 8 ½ month old son being his too. Apparently she didn't know how to contact him (I find that a little hard to believe, but I know he moved some time in the last year or two, so maybe.) and finally tracked him down on facebook to let him know last week. I'm assuming he sent in the paternity test shortly thereafter.
I have 4 kids, ages 10, 8, 6 and 3, and he had 3 kids, 21, 19 and 17 – we haven't met each others' kids yet, wanted to wait until we had been together longer, so we don't get their emotions involved before he and I are solid and for sure planning on long term – and our time is always limited because his kids are at his place on the weekends, and he works nights. I know (and he confirmed) that he's going to be as involved as possible with the baby, though how that will play out we don't know yet. L has three older kids the same age as Morp's, so at least there aren't other young ones to complicate things.
Other than him having less time and money, I'm not sure how this is going to impact us. I was stunned – but it doesn't affect how I feel about him. He was “really leery” of telling me, because he was afraid I'd break up with him. I wasn't sure why he thought that, but a google search revealed that that's the standard advice for women in my situation, given that it's usually a lot of drama with the “baby-mama”. Still, I don't really expect things to get too crazy.
So – this is me trying to be prepared. Has anyone been in this situation, or similar? What can I expect? I have zero idea how this is going to work, no idea of what is usual or not in this situation. To complicate matters, he said he wasn't interested in getting back together with L, (which I would be fine with if he did want to, I mean, he needs to be able to spend time with his kid) because apparently her ex-husband is the aggressive jealous type and he and Morp got into physical fights a few times and Morp decided it wasn't worth the hassle to try to keep the relationship with L going. (My construction of the little he did tell me about their relationship, I might not have it exactly right.) Is there anything I can/should be doing to support him? How does custody/visitation/whatever work with kids this young? Is it likely he'll have CM (new baby) a few days a week or unlikely? Is it more likely he'll have to go to L's place to spend time with baby? (that's what I would think, considering CM is less than a year old)
Patience is not my strong suit, but I'm thinking I'm going to have to be even more patient with his-my relationship moving slowly, and it'll probably slow down even more on the meeting each others' kids now, cause he has a little one, but I kinda wish it could speed up more instead – I've been wanting to meet them, and now especially CM. And I have no idea how I would relate to L; I mean, she's not really a metamour, but he-she are going to be much more tightly integrated if they're going to coparent, than he and the mother of his older kids are now.
Thoughts? Suggestions? Thanks!
Guy - Dom/husband
Minx - sort of dating
Cru - (no longer dating)
Lee - Guy's girlfriend
Last edited by Piroska; 10-16-2013 at 06:04 PM.
|babies, baby, children, co-parenting, ex-girlfriends, kids, metamour, paternity|