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  #41  
Old 03-10-2010, 06:16 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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AWWW! I Just don't know if I have the patience for this. It feels like my Wife is purposely taking her sweet ass time with moving forward because she knows I'm waiting. I think the reason she is moving like a turtle is because she knows I love Nikki and thinks that I will be putting all my time and energy into Nikki instead of her.

I'm ready to just call this whole thing off and be single! GRRRRR
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  #42  
Old 03-10-2010, 06:28 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
all in all thank you for the tough love. I just don't know if I can deal especially if I don't understand why they are going down the path of a V when we agreed to be working on a triad.
Agreeing to be a triad does not a triad make. It sounds to me like you're trying to slam a square relationship peg into a round emotional hole. Setting out a goal for a particular structure without *really* knowing if it's the right arrangement usually ends in heartbreak.

It's that same thing about prescriptive relationships. Emotions rarely follow directions.

And honestly, from what I've seen here, it never really seemed like your wife was fully on board with this. It sounds like part of the purpose of prescribing the triad structure is so that she can feel less insecure about you having another lover, because she is fully involved every step of the way and have some measure of control over your love for this other woman. And it seems she's still attempting to exercise this control.

Honestly, I can't see that ending well.

I wrote quite a few thoughts down about that on this thread.
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  #43  
Old 03-10-2010, 06:45 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
Agreeing to be a triad does not a triad make. It sounds to me like you're trying to slam a square relationship peg into a round emotional hole. Setting out a goal for a particular structure without *really* knowing if it's the right arrangement usually ends in heartbreak.
Yes... exactly! This!

What was the reason you decided that it had to be a triad? What does a triad configuration give you that a V doesn't? Is a "V" not acceptable to one or more of you, and if so, why not?

Quote:
It's that same thing about prescriptive relationships. Emotions rarely follow directions.
... and doing so causes resentment and various other forms of very bad friction and tension.
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  #44  
Old 03-10-2010, 06:47 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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And it seems she's still attempting to exercise this control.

Or, it could be that Wifey and Nikki hit it off much better than Husbie could ever have envisioned in his wildest fantasies (perhaps a little TOO well indeed) and they are simply having way too much fun with each other to want to muck it up by making it three... at least that's the way it looks to me at this time.

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Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post

What does a triad configuration give you that a V doesn't? Is a "V" not acceptable to one or more of you, and if so, why not?
Because the OP wants to get it on with Nikki. That was the original "goal" of the triad-mindset - so that the husband could be with both women and the women wouldn't have to "share" him to the exclusion of one another. That is how I understand it, of course I could be missing something.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 03-10-2010 at 06:50 PM.
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  #45  
Old 03-10-2010, 09:54 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
Agreeing to be a triad does not a triad make. It sounds to me like you're trying to slam a square relationship peg into a round emotional hole. Setting out a goal for a particular structure without *really* knowing if it's the right arrangement usually ends in heartbreak.

It's that same thing about prescriptive relationships. Emotions rarely follow directions.

And honestly, from what I've seen here, it never really seemed like your wife was fully on board with this. It sounds like part of the purpose of prescribing the triad structure is so that she can feel less insecure about you having another lover, because she is fully involved every step of the way and have some measure of control over your love for this other woman. And it seems she's still attempting to exercise this control.

Honestly, I can't see that ending well.

I wrote quite a few thoughts down about that on this thread.
Well this is the arrangement that worked best when we were all involved from the beginning now that Wifey knows that I love Nikki I feel like she is putting a road block in front of a turtle. But our prior arrangement was purely sexual. Nikki and I have always had feelings for one another since we meet before I even knew Wifey.

I'm starting to agree with your comments about wifey. But its more like she(wifey) tells me that it is a square hole and then at the last min its a circle. Like she doesn't want me to resolve her issues.


Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Yes... exactly! This!

What was the reason you decided that it had to be a triad? What does a triad configuration give you that a V doesn't? Is a "V" not acceptable to one or more of you, and if so, why not?

... and doing so causes resentment and various other forms of very bad friction and tension.
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Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
Or, it could be that Wifey and Nikki hit it off much better than Husbie could ever have envisioned in his wildest fantasies (perhaps a little TOO well indeed) and they are simply having way too much fun with each other to want to muck it up by making it three... at least that's the way it looks to me at this time.



Because the OP wants to get it on with Nikki. That was the original "goal" of the triad-mindset - so that the husband could be with both women and the women wouldn't have to "share" him to the exclusion of one another. That is how I understand it, of course I could be missing something.
Wifey and Nikki have not hit it off because wifey is blocking her feelings for Nikki. If they hit it off then I will get the invite and this is probity wifey's fear that I will now be able to express this profound love I have for Nikki.

You hit it on the head about why triad was this weapon of choice in this battle.

I think I am going to give it until the end of this month and if there is no progress then I will have to make a decision.
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  #46  
Old 03-10-2010, 10:13 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
Well this is the arrangement that worked best when we were all involved from the beginning now that Wifey knows that I love Nikki I feel like she is putting a road block in front of a turtle. But our prior arrangement was purely sexual. Nikki and I have always had feelings for one another since we meet before I even knew Wifey.
So you guys had a triad that was based on play and your wife doesn't want feelings to develop unless she also has them? Did you guys seriously believe that you could dictate how each of your feelings would develop in this?



Quote:
Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
Wifey and Nikki have not hit it off because wifey is blocking her feelings for Nikki. If they hit it off then I will get the invite and this is probity wifey's fear that I will now be able to express this profound love I have for Nikki.
Are you sure Wifey even HAS feelings of attraction to block with regards to Nikki? Honestly, I'm not so sure and it sure sounds like all of you are trying to force the issue by trying to force feelings to develop between Wifey and Nikki that probably aren't there.

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Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
You hit it on the head about why triad was this weapon of choice in this battle.
If you're seeing your current relationship structure as a weapon, why even wait a few weeks? I wouldn't want to be in that kind of atmosphere even one more day.

Relationship aren't weapons. They're supposed to be joyous natural bondings that enhance our lives. It sounds like you never really had that as a triad but have been investing all this time in the hopes that that's what will EVENTUALLY happen. That's not based in reality.

Like I said..feelings rarely follow orders. If you don't have joyous love building naturally between the three of you, you can't force it into existence or force it into the shape that suits all of your needs, because it sure sounds like you have VERY different needs here.
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  #47  
Old 03-10-2010, 10:51 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I totally agree with Ceoli, here - you have set this thing up in a way that there could only be two outcomes - the one configuration, or total failure. Everyone is under pressure to "make it happen" and nobody likes working when feeling pressured, especially when it comes to romantic feelings about each other.

It's quite possible that your wife doesn't want to move things "to the next step" because she fears what is going to happen, but so what? That means that there is a problem with the next step, not with your wife.

There is so much pressure in this situation, I can feel it all the way from here! You want something with Nikki, your wife isn't comfortable with that yet (or ever), but you are pushing for it to happen in this triad.

Have you thought that this might not be the best for you three? Have you thought that by setting up this "goal" you have caused people to mask their own true feelings about this whole situation, out of fear of what the "next step" might be?

I am also getting the feeling that there are some goods heads of steam built up on the resentment front, and I don't just mean on your part.

Have you shared your posts here and the responses with your wife and/or Nikki? If so, what has been their reaction?

This whole thing sound horrible for everyone involved.

Oh and why is it YOU that has to make a decision in what to do? Aren't the three of you working together to make this work?

Edit to add:
Quote:
Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
I Just don't know if I have the patience for this.
Based on what you have posted here I would tend to agree with you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
It feels like my Wife is purposely taking her sweet ass time with moving forward because she knows I'm waiting. I think the reason she is moving like a turtle is because she knows I love Nikki and thinks that I will be putting all my time and energy into Nikki instead of her.
Feelings and thoughts on your part - what does SHE say when you discuss it with her?

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Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
I'm ready to just call this whole thing off and be single!
I think that if you continue to push the way it sounds like you are pushing, you might not have a choice in this.
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Last edited by CielDuMatin; 03-10-2010 at 10:55 PM.
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  #48  
Old 03-11-2010, 12:07 AM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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I feel like you guys are beating me up. I need a break from all of this.
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  #49  
Old 03-11-2010, 01:06 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I feel like you guys are beating me up. I need a break from all of this.
You're posting and people are responding. You've received valuable advice and insights from some people who know what they (and you) are talking about.

Take it easy, dude.
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  #50  
Old 04-02-2010, 05:56 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Things are going better we had a group counciling session and somethings came out now Wifey and Nikki's relationship is thriving. I am still not involved in their relationship but Wifey and I are doing well in our relationship too.
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