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Old 10-06-2013, 02:24 PM
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Piroska Piroska is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 90

Guy knows everything going on in my life; we often talk in detail about everything. So he and I know very early on if there is any interest, potential interest, passing fancy, etc.
Morp and I share a lot; we're gradually getting to the point of sharing everything, because that's where my comfort level is, but that we don't yet is mostly a function of time.
current relationships:
Guy - Dom/husband
Minx - sort of dating
Cru - (no longer dating)
Lee - Guy's girlfriend
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Old 10-07-2013, 08:28 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 826

I'm like LR too - Although I tell one partner 100% of that because we live together and see each other so much, another partner I'd tell 97% of that because we don't see each other every day so I can see a couple of conversations happening with a new person before we speak about it (so they may not be being told things in real time) or not hearing "omg that giant redhead bearded dude is so lumberjacky I want to walk up to him in the grocery store and tell him I like him but that's weird right?" My other partner I'd tell 80% of everything because I wouldn't tell him I was talking to somebody new before I saw him in person unless the conversation quickly escalated to a meeting request - I might or might not tell him if I was going to write to somebody, if knew I was going to I would, but I'd be spontaneous without running it by him.

I like the practice talking about new people and interest gives me with all my partners, it makes it less scary when a "what if?" becomes a reality. Now I happen to freely and comfortably share new relationship updates until things become whatever they are going to with those I'm involved with. I will say that if I look at my partners, they probably share 43-87% of the amount of stuff I do proactively. I know of the two % higher sharing partners, one was a bachelor for 40 years and wasn't used to sharing so much and startled by my sharing and interest, and the other was used to sharing >>> stress, so I see it's not natural for some people. The lesser % partner? Well he is very independent and our relationship has been somewhat compartmentalized, so although he will answer my questions if asked, he assumes it's "nosy" if he asks me what is going on, and so I don't talk in as much detail because he only shares important things (arranging a date with a new person, if sex is going to or has happened, new STI risks).
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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Old 10-07-2013, 08:51 AM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

The "rule" in my relationships is that we are obliged to share any "game changers". Anything that will potentially affect the way we interact or change the method or frequency of our contact. In practical terms, this would mean if we were starting a committed romantic relationship with someone. However, we generally "gossip" about people we are talking to/meeting/fucking because we enjoy hearing about what we have been up to.
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Old 10-07-2013, 09:57 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,587

Originally Posted by blacksofa View Post
And when a good time would be to bring it up.
Similar to how I deal with friends and family, if I think my partner is curious to know something about my life and I care to share it... I share it. I don't have a guideline about this sort of thing because it's purely optional.

However, this is because my relationships are independent of each other and I am independent of my partners (and everyone else, for that matter). No one is entitled to know anything about my life, but I'm not stingy with information if a loved one wants to know what's going on with me.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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Old 10-10-2013, 05:11 PM
Kes Kes is offline
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 8

I have always told my partner(s) about an attraction as soon as it became more than a casual 'hey, I'm going to meet that person I told you about from yoga class for coffee'. IMO, blindsiding leads to much poly hell. That's why I have never done it, and always advise against it!
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Old 10-10-2013, 07:51 PM
central central is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Panama City Beach, Florida
Posts: 134

Originally Posted by Kes View Post
I have always told my partner(s) about an attraction as soon as it became more than a casual 'hey, I'm going to meet that person I told you about from yoga class for coffee'. IMO, blindsiding leads to much poly hell. That's why I have never done it, and always advise against it!
I agree with this, and this is how we've done it. It works for us to know more than may be strictly necessary, but that's better than being surprised.
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Old 10-10-2013, 09:32 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 258

Well, Fly and my "rule" is after having sex 3 times with new person, on the idea that if it's gone that far, it's likely this person will be around for a while in whatever role (FWB, fuckbuddy, love) and may impact life and family stuff.

In reality, I tend to want to talk about people right away, as soon as I know I'm interested in them, because I'm a talker. Fly is not, and pretty much sticks to the 3-times guideline. However, he's more into new and shiny, and leans toward the one or two-night-stands rather than ongoing things, and even his ongoing lovers are pretty strictly friends (in a real sense) with benefits and not romantic entanglements. So, we rarely discuss his partners, and they rarely appear in day-to-day life except as far as negotiating child/chicken care.

Moonlight and I don't really have anything clear about this, and it hasn't come up because I haven't been seeing anyone but Punk and Fly since i met her. I will probably tell her right away also, and it will probably be ugly because I'm pretty sure she's monogamous at heart. But I respect and love her, and in my personal code that means I have to be not only honest, but also forthright with her.

Punk really couldn't care less.

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy, ultimately amicable breakup), and his 11-year-old son Kiddo

Last edited by RainyGrlJenny; 10-10-2013 at 09:33 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 10-14-2013, 05:06 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

I don't apply a primary/secondary hierarchy to my love relationships, and I fly solo, so I don't really have "partners." But I generally tell my lovers about other lovers if it feels appropriate to do so, and that probably would be after I've had sex with someone a couple of times and it seems that a relationship is starting to become established. I don't feel it's necessary to report back to anyone about every flirtation, interaction, or date I go on unless a conversation naturally happens where it seems appropriate to mention.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 10-14-2013 at 05:11 AM.
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