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  #21  
Old 10-10-2013, 03:24 PM
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Murasaki Murasaki is offline
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Lightbulb You guys have me thinking

I should soo be sleeping right now, but I saw "throuple" and had to read this thread, now I have unanswered questions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
When I ran a poll on here out of 65 participants only 9 were of a triad like arrangement..
. . .
Almost half were a V or similar arrangement.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
At least not on those terms that have become stereotyped - the man, woman, and the hot bi babe at their beck and call, and not allowed to be with anyone else. I think there might be a few really successful triads where one or more of the members has relationships with people outside that triad, for example.


I like statistics.
Does anyone have the stats for V’s? success versus ending within say a year?
Oh and what Nycindie said, what is the success rate for people who “stumble” into a triad situation versus the previously described stereotype?

What about other configurations?
There are lots of configurations right? What are the stats for poly as a whole?

I wonder if there’s an article out there somewhere that explores this.
Gonna wander off to scour the interwebs for more info. Interesting thought.

How long need a relationship last to be considered successful? Not all relationships last a lifetime, but that does not mean they were unsuccessful for the time they were there. Research time!!

Does anyone already have any other references on this?


If I find any answers I'll share.
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LTR SO - Kuroi - Straight (broken up-not sure what we are now)
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In LTR of 20 years, married for 13 years to Kuroi
Didn't realize we had a poly type relationship in High school. Exploring poly again now that our Child is older.
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  #22  
Old 10-10-2013, 03:49 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Murasaki View Post
Oh and what Nycindie said, what is the success rate for people who “stumble” into a triad situation versus the previously described stereotype?
I'll hazard a guess that the majority of those nine, or even all, are accidental triads. I have never known a Unicorn Hunting couple to find someone for longer than a few months.

People new to Poly, when the wife only recently comes out as bisexual often think they invented the idea of a triad and naively start looking without researching how feasible it is. I have a statistic from my Polygamy/Poly-fi site where I hang around, we have thousands of members now. I did a poll of
couples just between the ages of 20-50 on the site, 50% (almost exactly) were looking for a Unicorn. I did the same with the singles, only 10% were looking to be one.

Couples do not realise how unlikely it is to happen.
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  #23  
Old 10-10-2013, 03:57 PM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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Good god, 50% are looking for unicorns? Wow. That's... crazy. Put me in the camp of the stumbled-into rather than sought out, mostly because I can't imagine how one SEEKS a third person. I just don't get it.

Responding (sorry, no quotes) to an earlier point, I wasn't meaning to highlight the secret stash of successful triads as something special. I think there's an awful lot of polyamory that doesn't get announced as such, mostly in the form of V-type relationships with a member of a couple having another relationship, an "acnowledged affair" a friend of mine called it. I didn't mean to imply that triads are unique this way, though. Sorry about the confusion.
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  #24  
Old 10-10-2013, 06:05 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
So, if your potential gf is allowed other partners, maybe already has a bf or gf of her own, has her own place nearby and her own transportation, her own financial independence, is "allowed" to get pregnant by your shared bf should she want to, with legal financial, practical and emotional support in place, is allowed to be "out" to your family and friends, can have dates and sex individually with each of you, etc., etc., this all could work.
Quoting myself to add another "if."

IF, after a few dates, a few hot sex sessions, the new girl decides she's really only into one of you, not both, what then?

Is she out on her ass? Or, does she keep getting to date and fuck just one of you? How does the "left out" partner then deal? There will probably be jealousy, resentment, disappointment and a bit of heart knicking and self-esteem hit.

How does the chosen partner deal? Will they feel bad for their original partner? A little guilty? Will the "new girl" still be allowed to come over and coo and cuddle and go off to have sex with the chosen partner while the left out partner (if they are still hot for new girl) sits in the corner and sulks?
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  #25  
Old 10-10-2013, 06:20 PM
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50% of that particular website, you have countless others who target the Polyamory websites.

A triad seems a logical (and safe) choice for a couple with a bi female, especially if she is recently out. They feel they have loads to offer but they fail to recognise their couple privilege and that negates the value to the "Unicorn".
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  #26  
Old 10-10-2013, 06:54 PM
central central is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Murasaki View Post
What about other configurations?
There are lots of configurations right? What are the stats for poly as a whole?

How long need a relationship last to be considered successful? Not all relationships last a lifetime, but that does not mean they were unsuccessful for the time they were there.
I find statistics fascinating, too, but they are hard to find (at least anything reliable) when it comes to non-traditional relationships.

We were in an N configuration shortly after we got together (as primaries) - we each had a secondary (another man for her, another woman for me). Her secondary met someone else and got married. My secondary continued for a few years (a V config) and eventually found someone else. We consider the N and V as very successful, as everyone enjoyed it and it ended for good reasons, amicably. I think it helped that our secondaries did not live with us (except for a brief period). We're still good friends many years later.

For several years it was just the two of us. A couple of years ago I found a FWB and we've been a V. My FWB would gladly have a triad (she's bi), but my wife is decidedly straight. We all get along fine and socialize occasionally, but usually I see my secondary separately. I think this is successful as well - we all get what we want from it without any problems so far.
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  #27  
Old 10-10-2013, 07:52 PM
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Murasaki Murasaki is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
At least not on those terms that have become stereotyped - the man, woman, and the hot bi babe at their beck and call, and not allowed to be with anyone else. I think there might be a few really successful triads where one or more of the members has relationships with people outside that triad, for example.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
I'll hazard a guess that the majority of those nine, or even all, are accidental triads. I have never known a Unicorn Hunting couple to find someone for longer than a few months.
Doh! Yeah I’m sick with a cold (maybe the flu) and needed sleep badly when I made that post.
What I meant by “stumble” is indeed the “accidental” triads that sometimes form. Not a unicorn hunting couple who is stumbling into/through poly.



Quote:
Originally Posted by central View Post
I find statistics fascinating, too, but they are hard to find (at least anything reliable) when it comes to non-traditional relationships.
Yep, that’s what I’ve noticed so far.


Not having much success in getting statistic on poly success versus failure.
I did find some statistic pointing to a correlation between Bisexuality and poly.

And I found that there’s a lot of newer poly news out there. I haven’t done any web searches on poly in a while. I’ve found so many good articles, from reading these forums, that the need to search “on my own” so to speak just hasn’t been present.

So here’s the link to an article that estimates that 40% of bisexuals, chose (or practice) poly (maybe non-mono is more correct). And estimates that 40% of polys are bisexual. Using those estimates says that there are about 3.1 million US polys. (paraphrased from the very end of this article)

Now to find a place to post the other interesting articles, and videos I found.
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Me - Murasaki - Bi/pan
LTR SO - Kuroi - Straight (broken up-not sure what we are now)
Child of Murasaki & Kuroi - Momoiroi

In LTR of 20 years, married for 13 years to Kuroi
Didn't realize we had a poly type relationship in High school. Exploring poly again now that our Child is older.
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  #28  
Old 10-14-2013, 03:24 AM
peabean peabean is offline
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I realize its all just anecdata to most of you, but I've been a triad for nearly 3 years. It started as the serendipitous type of triad. We are very happy, stable, raising a family etc.

We have absolutely no poly friends, have never been to any poly meetups, and don't know any poly people in real life.

I am the only one of the three of us that bothers to go on poly boards, read poly blogs or listen to polyweekly etc. My husband sometimes reads polyinthemedia. Occasionally I find something particularly interesting and send it to my partners, then they both read and we discuss it.

Although I frequently read this board, I rarely write on it. Truthfully, I realize my poly is not the norm. I can't relate to people with primary/secondary models or solo models. Much in the ways that bisexuals are not accepted in the gay community, triads seem to lack acceptance in the poly community. I feel we've navigated the waters of integrating our family into the everyday world of jobs/childcare/vacations/etc. I'm hesitant to open myself to criticisms from within what most people would consider my natural 'community'.

With that said, I am very interested in providing support and answering questions for people entering relationships like mine. I remember having so many questions, and just researching, researching, and coming up with few answers. I would've loved to have a good long chat with someone in a long term triad during those first months.

So, OP please ask away. Feel free to PM me if you prefer.
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  #29  
Old 10-16-2013, 05:39 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by peabean View Post
Much in the ways that bisexuals are not accepted in the gay community, triads seem to lack acceptance in the poly community.
Oh, no, it's not that triads as a configuration are not accepted - it's just the unicorn hunters that get the most shit flung their way because they come with a list of demands and want/expect their dream bi babe to fulfill all their hopes and wishes. And because it does seem that many triads do blow up in the faces of people who purposely sought out someone to fit into the role of "third," that polyfolk will caution those who look for it and bust chops. And then of course there are the very sad but laughable situations where a triad is pursued by a straight MF couple only because the male can't handle the idea of his straight female partner being with another guy, so he makes it a rule that she has to be with a woman, and she does it to make him happy even though she's not attracted sexually to women, or it's the new chick who goes along with having sex with the guy's bi female partner, even though she's straight, just because that's the only way she can be with him. These are pitiful stories we see here again and again.

It's the prescribing of a triad to help a marriage or fill a perceived lack, or whatever, that is pooh-poohed, NOT a triad in and of itself!

Hell yeah, if you are happy and in a triad that came together organically, that is a true success story and we can celebrate it and applaud you for it! Happy for you, Peabean, truly!
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-16-2013 at 05:44 PM.
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  #30  
Old 10-16-2013, 09:30 PM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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Hey, Peabean, thanks for your post. I have started reading some of your past posts because of you writing in here. It's great for someone like me, stumbling into a situation that I might as well call a triad, to read the stories of those who have gone this path before.

And NYCindie, thanks for the response. I sometimes feel defensive about this whole "triad" thing, mostly because of the vibe you describe. I CERTAINLY wasn't looking for it. (Since when is my monogamous wife interested in another person? Since when is my very straight wife interested in a woman? What alternate universe am I part of, right now?! and how could I not have known how happy we could all be?) But with all the questions, comments, pronouncements, and such, I start second-guessing what feels to me to be pretty normal and relaxed. It's nice to read your clarifications about what pushes people's buttons... thank you.
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