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Old 10-13-2013, 08:32 PM
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JadeDoor JadeDoor is offline
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Default Husband's gf broke up w/him; now he wants to be mono

A brief synopsis....
Neverwhere is my husband. He was dating his ex wife, Amanda. They have children together and we all live together. She moved into our house over the summer. Things were going great at first. We have a rather unique situation, being a poly family and a step family, but it seemed to work for us. I also started dating Mark, Neverwhere's younger brother. Once again, unique but seemed to work. Neverwhere had his days where he struggled with it, but for the most part I heard lots of excitement from him about how I was the glue of the family and of course Mark would be in love with me since I"m so amazing. My husband seemed totally happy and okay with "sharing" me 90% of the time. The rest of the time... he just started anti depression meds (which I believe he's needed since his early 20's) at our counselor's request.

So.... cut to Thursday. Amanda and Neverwhere attend therapy together. Amanda has been struggling with changes lately. She has been a hardened person for a long time and she is working on trust issues with all of us and learning how to be in a loving family (her mother was very abusive and then she also had a horrible marriage with Neverwhere). So I figured it was going to be about working on herself and needing help.

Nope. She broke up with my husband. She will continue living here because we don't want to shuttle the kids back and forth and all she would do is move back to the ghetto she used to live in so we are okay with her staying here. However, it's very hard on my husband. They may get back together at some point when she sorts some stuff out, but Neverwhere is saying he doesn't even want that now and that Amanda is too much work and poly is too much work.

Whereas just a few days ago he said if he and Amanda ever broke up, I could continue dating Mark and Nevewhere would find someone else because he truly believed in poly, just today he told me I would have to make a choice between him and Mark.

I am at a loss as to what to do. I don't know if it's the adjustment to his new meds. I don't know if he truly feels this way. I don't know if all that joy and happiness was fake (I find that hard to believe, knowing my husband like I do)... I just don't know. It could be because he quit drinking only a month and a half ago and maybe his brain is still healing from that... I just have no clue. And of course if I have to choose I will choose him, but... I have wanted this life for so long and Neverwhere was finally on board with it and seemed so happy.. I had everything I wanted. And now it's all getting ripped away from me and I don't know what to do.
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--Jade, 31yo single f
Neverwhere - soon-to-be-ex-husband. We have a 4yo son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. She lives with him.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother and my roommate
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  #2  
Old 10-13-2013, 09:58 PM
graviton graviton is offline
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I read about this all the time on the forums. I am one that despises ultimatums and often choose the option the giver of the ultimatum least expects me to choose. A better way to deal with such a situation is to warn ultimatum givers that you will always choose the answer they don't want you to because you don't play those games. This puts the onus back on them. Rather than him forcing you to choose between him or your boyfriend instead you're giving him the option to leave you if he can't handle you being with your boyfriend. It's much more difficult for them to be responsible for their own choice then for them to force the choice on you. Do you understand the difference in psychology between playing their ultimatum games and making them deal with their own issues and making their own choices? I certainly would not put up with a spouse that forces me 2 stop seeing a friend or to cut off communication with them so why would I tolerate it with a friend / lover?
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Old 10-13-2013, 10:36 PM
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Wow! Lots going on in your household. It must be stressful on everyone. I wouldn't break up with my boyfriend, even if my husband gave me an ultimatum. Does he plan to move out if you say no, or does he expect everyone else to move? Sounds like he is just freaking out at the moment. I might scale back a bit so you can focus on his needs, and give him lots of attention, but for me, no, I wouldn't kill a relationship at someone else's request like that. Especially when it was given as an ultimatum and in a time of pain.
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  #4  
Old 10-14-2013, 12:27 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JadeDoor View Post
It could be because he quit drinking only a month and a half ago and maybe his brain is still healing from that... I just have no clue. And of course if I have to choose I will choose him, but... I have wanted this life for so long and Neverwhere was finally on board with it and seemed so happy.. I had everything I wanted. And now it's all getting ripped away from me and I don't know what to do.
How are the kids dealing with all of this? Their mother was abused as a child. Their parents had a bad marriage--all because of Amanda's background or was Neverwhere part of the problems? He's been drinking--presumably enough that he needed to quit. They've got their mother, step mother, and uncle all in their house, and all this drama going on.

Honestly, I think it would be wise to set aside thoughts of 'everything you wanted' and what's getting ripped away from you, and give some thought to how all of this is affecting the kids, and what all of you, as adults, need to do for their sake.
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Old 10-14-2013, 12:54 AM
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JadeDoor JadeDoor is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
How are the kids dealing with all of this? Their mother was abused as a child. Their parents had a bad marriage--all because of Amanda's background or was Neverwhere part of the problems? He's been drinking--presumably enough that he needed to quit. They've got their mother, step mother, and uncle all in their house, and all this drama going on.

Honestly, I think it would be wise to set aside thoughts of 'everything you wanted' and what's getting ripped away from you, and give some thought to how all of this is affecting the kids, and what all of you, as adults, need to do for their sake.
I fully agree. I've always put my kids first, even before I had my bio son and it was just me and my stepsons.
if I saw it negatively affecting the kids I'd be the first to put a stop to it. But they're the happiest they've been since I've known them. They're finally in one house with everyone they love. They're settled and happy. They play town sports. They get to spend time with everyone equally and they don't have to live in a bad area anymore.
We'd hate to see them fo back to that.
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--Jade, 31yo single f
Neverwhere - soon-to-be-ex-husband. We have a 4yo son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. She lives with him.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother and my roommate
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Old 10-14-2013, 02:08 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JadeDoor View Post
I fully agree. I've always put my kids first, even before I had my bio son and it was just me and my stepsons.
if I saw it negatively affecting the kids I'd be the first to put a stop to it. But they're the happiest they've been since I've known them. They're finally in one house with everyone they love. They're settled and happy. They play town sports. They get to spend time with everyone equally and they don't have to live in a bad area anymore.
We'd hate to see them fo back to that.
At issue is whether you'll continue to be poly and sleep with your brother in law, right? If you became monogamous, would that require sending the kids back to a bad area?
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Old 10-14-2013, 03:16 AM
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JadeDoor JadeDoor is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
At issue is whether you'll continue to be poly and sleep with your brother in law, right? If you became monogamous, would that require sending the kids back to a bad area?

No. I don't believe becoming mono means the kids go back. Neverwhere has already said he'll let Amanda continue living here no matter what. But I think because he doesn't have any other relationships besides me he would prefer I were mono now as well.

I did ask him if this would be an issue (me dating Mark) if he had a gf outside the house or if Amanda didn't break up with him and he said probably not. So I wonder of he's just frustrated right now.
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--Jade, 31yo single f
Neverwhere - soon-to-be-ex-husband. We have a 4yo son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. She lives with him.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother and my roommate
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  #8  
Old 10-14-2013, 05:51 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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When someone first gets sober, they say not to make any drastic life changes or big decisions for the first year. Or at least the first six months. Is he in a 12-step program or getting any kind of counseling about his sobriety and depression meds? If I were you I would gently let him know that it's unfair to give you an ultimatum and you won't accept that, and remind him that he just needs to work on himself, grieve the break-up, and not ask for or demand any big changes during early sobriety. As long as his needs are still being met in his relationship with you, your relationship with his brother has nothing to do with that and should not play a role in his happiness. His emotional well-being is not dependent upon outside sources (like you being monogamous on demand), but on how he manages himself.
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-14-2013 at 05:54 AM.
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Old 10-14-2013, 05:58 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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First, I just read the title and my immediate thought was: "That's fine, let him. His preferences don't dictate your own."

Then I read the rest of the post. Yup, same thought.

I'm a big stickler for keeping your promises and sticking to your agreements. If he was OK with this when there was something in it for him, then it's his responsibility to get OK with it again.

Being poly is too much work for him? Fine, let him be mono. That's his choice. But you can't put the genie back in the bottle.

Simply put, you tell him "No, I will not choose between you and Mark. My choice is both. If you can't live with that, you have your own choice to make."
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Old 10-14-2013, 02:01 PM
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JadeDoor JadeDoor is offline
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I understand and appreciate what everyone is saying, it makes sense. But I'm afraid that if I stick to my guns like that my husband WILL leave and since he's my best friend and the one who truly gets me, more even than Mark does, it would be heartbreaking. I wouldn't know what to do without him. What do you do with that kind of....lost feeling?
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--Jade, 31yo single f
Neverwhere - soon-to-be-ex-husband. We have a 4yo son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. She lives with him.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother and my roommate
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