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Old 10-11-2013, 07:14 PM
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AlbertaBea AlbertaBea is offline
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Default How would you feel if your ex told you something disillusioning about your SO?

Hey Poly Peeps :-)

A good friend and ex, Tim, told me last week during a catching up session that he doesn't want to be poly anymore, and he's happy with his current girlfriend, Erika, and wants to focus exclusively on her. He told me that neither of them are seeing anyone else (except she's in an inactive marriage), and they have a great connection.

Fast forward to last night! I was with with another friend who is close with Erika. My friend was telling me some light hearted gossip about Erika's boyfriend, Ned. Apparently Ned is Erika's primary boyfriend, but Tim doesn't know about him. Erika and Ned spend most of their time together and have a public relationship, but Ned is in an active marriage that he is committed to.

Tim loves the chase and tends to go for women who are already strongly paired with another man, but this time he is under the impression he is the only man and he's stoked. He isn't the quickest to pick up on interpersonal cues and he's not very communicative. How would you feel if your friend/ex told you something this disillusioning about your primary partner? I know they haven't discussed the boundaries of their relationship. I'm thinking about suggesting that he have a discussion with Erika about his new feelings about her and polyamory, but I know it won't go well for him.
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I'm Alberta (F/26) and I've been in a relationship with Doug (M/37) for 3.5 years. We are long-distance and open. For the last 9 months I have also been dating Tommy (M/31). Tommy is in an unconventional marriage with Jordan (F/28).

Last edited by AlbertaBea; 10-11-2013 at 07:18 PM.
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Old 10-11-2013, 07:24 PM
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Myob....
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
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Old 10-11-2013, 07:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Myob....
You know, this isn't helpful or even a response to my query so next time you should take your own advice! Thanks.
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I'm Alberta (F/26) and I've been in a relationship with Doug (M/37) for 3.5 years. We are long-distance and open. For the last 9 months I have also been dating Tommy (M/31). Tommy is in an unconventional marriage with Jordan (F/28).
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Old 10-11-2013, 07:31 PM
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You asked advice on a PUBLIC forum.

If you cannot handle advice which you do not want to hear don't air your dirty laundry.

I could have phrased it as stop being a meddling gossip and mind your own business.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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Old 10-11-2013, 07:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlbertaBea View Post
Apparently Ned is Erika's primary boyfriend, but Tim doesn't know about him
This is the only part which would get my attention. The other stuff just sounds like drama to me.

If one of my good friends is dating someone who they think is monogamous with them but I know this not to be true - I'm probably going to say something. It would be the same if they were in a business deal which I learned was shifty and would recommend they look more closely.
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Old 10-11-2013, 07:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlbertaBea View Post
You know, this isn't helpful or even a response to my query so next time you should take your own advice! Thanks.
"Mind your own business" is a perfectly cogent and on topic response to your original post.

The fact that you don't personally take anything from it is your issue.

Thanks.
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Old 10-11-2013, 07:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
You asked advice on a PUBLIC forum.

If you cannot handle advice which you do not want to hear don't air your dirty laundry.

I could have phrased it as stop being a meddling gossip and mind your own business.
Sorry, in the past I've actually encountered thoughtful and considerate advice in this forum. Hopefully there are other members with more awareness of the intricacies of an incestuous community, who can weigh the benefits and consequences of gossip as a social function.

To clarify, my relationship with Tim has always embraced the role of our community. Erika is someone outside the community that no one knows very well. I want to make sure my friend isn't putting all his eggs in a broken basket, or at least that he is aware of the baskets flaws.
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I'm Alberta (F/26) and I've been in a relationship with Doug (M/37) for 3.5 years. We are long-distance and open. For the last 9 months I have also been dating Tommy (M/31). Tommy is in an unconventional marriage with Jordan (F/28).

Last edited by AlbertaBea; 10-11-2013 at 07:45 PM.
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Old 10-11-2013, 07:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlbertaBea View Post
You know, this isn't helpful or even a response to my query so next time you should take your own advice! Thanks.
I thibk it was perfect advice. Stay out of it. It's not your business to go around passing along gossip.
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Old 10-11-2013, 07:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
This is the only part which would get my attention. The other stuff just sounds like drama to me.

If one of my good friends is dating someone who they think is monogamous with them but I know this not to be true - I'm probably going to say something. It would be the same if they were in a business deal which I learned was shifty and would recommend they look more closely.
I did make it all sound like he said/she said. My mistake there. But it's more spiritual and caring and full of love <3 I wasn't gushing to my friend that Tim doesn't know about Ned, but now I have this information and it pains me to know.

I might just mention it to my boyfriend, who has a bromance with Tim. He'll probably be more comfortable breaching the subject.
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I'm Alberta (F/26) and I've been in a relationship with Doug (M/37) for 3.5 years. We are long-distance and open. For the last 9 months I have also been dating Tommy (M/31). Tommy is in an unconventional marriage with Jordan (F/28).
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  #10  
Old 10-11-2013, 08:00 PM
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Everyone who's telling me to mind my own business, I feel like you've never cared about someone enough to want what's best for them. I think you'd all be in the same quandary I'm in if you were in my shoes, and you'd be offended by short, insulting responses from people who haven't put two thoughts into something you're very sad about.

If it were something lame, like "she said he's fat", sure MYOB. But this is something someone I'm intimately close to is really invested in and making decisions in his life around. No one deserves that and a community about polyamory should have some sympathy for this situation. I'm sure you've all had issues communicating with partners about boundaries and been hurt by details you found out too late.
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I'm Alberta (F/26) and I've been in a relationship with Doug (M/37) for 3.5 years. We are long-distance and open. For the last 9 months I have also been dating Tommy (M/31). Tommy is in an unconventional marriage with Jordan (F/28).
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