Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 10-10-2013, 04:41 AM
MrsT MrsT is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 3
Default Accidental Polyamory....

So as the title suggests my husband and I have found ourselves in a polyamorous situation quite accidentally.

I have always had an interest and intrigue in polyamory (but nothing more than thoughts/interest really), he's always has had an interest in swinging with the desire to see me pleasured by somebody else rather than the appeal of having meaningless sex with women.

Anyway, we began swinging and we met this couple. I instantly clicked with him and DH instantly clicked with her, I have also clicked with her very deeply on a friendship level. Things have progressed quite a lot since we first began talking. She recently expressed love for my husband and he now feels the same. I also feel that myself and the man in this couple have a very deep connection and if it's not love it's something very very close. Unfortunately it is long distance, but in some ways it might be a good thing as it has allowed us to maintain some self control.

Because this is new territory for us all we are kind of just making it up as we go along and doing whatever feels right. We have a lot of communication between all four of us.

So....has anyone ever experienced this kind of relationship dynamic before, and how did it work out for you?

Also, my biggest concern is that in our ignorance for this situation we could do something to risk our 4 way connection or even do something to harm our marriages. What is your advice for newbies? What resources/readings have you found helpful in your journey etc...?

TIA
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 10-10-2013, 06:19 PM
Squashking Squashking is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 45
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsT View Post
So....has anyone ever experienced this kind of relationship dynamic before, and how did it work out for you?
Hello Tia,

It's nice to meet you. Well yes, it happened by accident to us as well. We were never swingers however, just best friends with another couple. It started one crazy evening last summer.

Since then it has been a roller coaster of exciting, stressful, blissful and challenging experiences... and we love it!

With regards to changes in relationships, it has changed everything. My marriage was very solid before this happened which IMHO is why we were able to get through all the typical jealousy and possessiveness issues at the start. Today my marriage is still solid and has evolved to a much higher level of love and understanding. Communication is the key and the result is my wife and I have become much closer.

So far our quad is going strong, we continue to bust down barriers but there are so few barriers left now. This is where the lines of my marriage become very blurred. For all four of us, we feel that we have 2 primaries. We all love each other very much and it is that love that gets us over the tough times when they happen.

I got on this forum to get perspective. It has helped me a great deal but every poly set up is different. I must admit I have learned more speaking directly to other quad set ups. I have met only a few quads that have similar stories on these forums... they seem rather rare.

Feel free to PM me if you wish to.

Best of luck on your journey.

~S
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 10-11-2013, 04:53 PM
1of4 1of4 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 29
Default

Pretty much the identical situation here. I'm part of a quad that is nearing the 2.5 year mark and still strong. We too are "making it up" as we go along. It hasn't been without its challenges, but I wouldn't change a second of the journey. Feel free to PM me as well, if you ever want to talk. I agree with Squashking in that I really value the conversations I've had directly with other quads I've met on this forum as well.

- Em
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-24-2013, 10:16 PM
SouthernFirefly SouthernFirefly is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 13
Default

Same story here.

We weren't looking for poly either. Just stumbled right into it with our very dear friends. We're nearing our two year mark and life is good!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 12-25-2013, 05:44 AM
Quath Quath is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504
Default

Similar situation here. It started out out with friends of my wife and I. It was suppose to be more of a friends with benefits type relationship, but it went full poly very quickly.

We are figuring out things as we go. So far, we have managed to work past many issues. The main advise I have been going off of are
1) Communication. So many forms of this, but it helps to keep this up and keep everyone talking.
2) Don't mediate other people's fight. This has not been an issue yet, but it was an issue in a previous triad I was in. Basically is two people are arguing, we can be a sympathetic ear, but we are not to really try to fix the argument.
3) Feel free to state feelings. It does not mean anything has to change. But we should feel free to say what makes us comfortable or when we feel jealousy.
4) Work off of boundaries and not hard and fast rules. Basically realize that we are all opening and changing. So rules are more flexible.
5) Make sure people get enough sleep. This one may be more specific to us, but lack of sleep makes people grouchy and easily irritated.
6) Have fun. This should be fun and happy.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 12-28-2013, 05:51 PM
MrsT MrsT is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 3
Default

Wow, very cool to see others also in this situation. We've actually decided to take the plunge and we are moving in together in a few days. It's going to be a crazy adventure I predict!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 12-29-2013, 02:02 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,423
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsT View Post
Anyway, we began swinging and we met this couple . . . Unfortunately it is long distance, but in some ways it might be a good thing as it has allowed us to maintain some self control . . . Also, my biggest concern is that in our ignorance for this situation we could do something to risk our 4 way connection or even do something to harm our marriages.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsT View Post
We've actually decided to take the plunge and we are moving in together in a few days. It's going to be a crazy adventure I predict!
Wow! That's a huge step to take. Or should I say, "Whoa!" Are you sure you're ready for that? You are aware that living together is NOT a requirement to be poly and part of a quad, right? I only ask because your initial post painted a picture of someone very new to poly and full of wide-eyed optimism. So, what I am going post might be a bit of a bummer, I'm afraid.

First of all, how long have you and your husband been involved with this other couple, and how often have you both interacted with them? Has it been more online or in-person? Swapping partners, fucking each other, and daydreaming about romantic situations is one thing, but living together is quite another! I always think it's best that people wait at least one full year before moving in with any lovers, so that each of you get to see the other(s) through every holiday, birthday, family obligation, work issues, and any emergencies that come up in that period, so you can guage compatibility for the long haul before you might get yourselves stuck in something that will be difficult and sticky to get out of.

Basically, HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW THEM? Not in just a who-squeezes-the-toothpaste-from-the-bottom-and-who-squeezes-from-the-top sort of way, but in things like emotional, mental, and physical stability (any illnesses needing medications? Have at least two consecutive STI tests done within a certain time span with hard copies shared among you?), financial stability (would you co-sign a loan with them?), good credit reports (how will you split the bills?), cleanliness and housekeeping (not to mention decorating!), their relationships with families (will you be harrassed, judged, or kept a secret?), and no crazy exes hunting them down ('nuff said).

I urge you to go verr-rr-rrry slowly. I think that self-control you mentioned would be very useful here. Develop your relationships with these people first, get to really know them well, and let them know you, before taking such a big step. And make sure you protect yourselves well.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 12-29-2013 at 02:05 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 12-29-2013, 02:39 AM
Quath Quath is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504
Default

We have talked about moving in with the couple we are dating. But I am trying to stick to the advise I one heard: "Do not move, change jobs or move in until after 6 months of dating." NRE can easily hide issues that may later come up. But I completely understand the temptation.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 12-29-2013, 02:17 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,774
Default

Resources, besides this board, since you asked, are:

books--

The Ethical Slut
Opening Up

websites:

Practical Polyamory
morethantwo

I concur with NYCindie. You and your h are in New Relationship Energy phase. You're hormonally a bit craycray and twitterpated right now. I get it's a LDR with your gf and bf, but just how far? An hour drive? You met them swinging so I imagine they are fairly local? How long have you been seeing them? Why on earth must you cohabit when you're so new to poly? Does either couple have young kids? Do they know about this new relationship? Does the couple planning to move have jobs set up in the new area?

If they really are quite far away, and they really want to move, or you and your h do, I'd highly recommend the relocating couple get a rental apartment nearby so hanging out is easy, but you're not all up in each others' business until you have known each other at least a year. Things can go awry and then someone is gonna be homeless. EXTREMELY awkward and painful. What if one of the primary couples split up and yet both are still involved with the other individuals? How on earth do you manage that?

Heck, I dated my gf for 4 years before we moved in together full time. She lived 20 miles away from me and didn't have a car, so I drove 45 mins back and forth to her place every week for 4 damn years. For various reasons we didn't want to take the moving in plunge until then. At the same time, once I met my current bf, he drove 20 miles to my place, once a week for 18 months, to see me as well! Now my gf and I have lived together since May, and we live 5 miles from my bf (who is also involved with my gf to a somewhat lesser degree, more of a FWB), and things are easier, no doubt. But we all waited til we were sure of the longevity potential of our relationships.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 12-29-2013, 02:36 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

I think that people who are in polyamorous relationships can often be tempted to rush through the relationship stages in an attempt to validate their secondary style relationships in a monogamous culture.

It can work against them, however, when people who are sceptical about polyamory continually see relationships fail because they rushed things; it proves their point.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
moving in together, quad

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:05 PM.