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Old 10-10-2013, 08:36 PM
polyman polyman is offline
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Default Non-jealousy/envy issues?

Hi everyone, I got a poly issue that I needed some advice on but before I begin I must appologize for remaining anonymous here but I must to not hurt anyone involved. Its been almost 2 years now that me and my wife (person A) decided to change our relationship to be polyamorous. While I was into someone specific at that time, I for some reason had started to fantasize about my wife having sex with other men, especially together with me.

However, things didn't work out quite as planed. She wanted to date this very good friend of mine (person B), who not only is also my colleague but had also played a big role in getting me this dream job I have. Also an important fact is that we work in a particular community (lets call it community A) as part of our job. Because of this friendship, I wasn't exactly excited about this but I didn't resist much either. Long story short, they started doing video calls (he lives in another country) and before long, they were together and at some point she went to spend a week w/ him. I was pretty much fine with that by that time. Maybe it had to do with the fact that by that time I was myself dating a girl, although that didn't work out in the end.

It wasn't long after that B dumped A because he realized overnight that he is not ok with polyamory. She was very much hurt by that and I did my best to comfort her. Our relationship since then somehow had gotten much deeper I have felt and we love each other even more now. A had over three major crushes over this time. I felt completely fine with the first one she had on a colleague but that didn't work out as he already had a gf. Then she was into another of my friend (person C) who is also my colleague and works with the community A. I didn't feel too good about this one because of the same reasons I didn't feel so good about her relationship with B. In this case, even more so as I started feeling like there is a pattern to her liking the same kind of people that i work with everyday and I had this weird fear that I'll soon be having meetings with people, all of who will have "Yeah, I did your wife" on their faces. Also the fear that the more she is having such relationships with people in community A, the more likely it gets that everyone in that community discovers about the nature of our relationship and that would also mean my company. I really don't want everyone to know as most people are not so understanding and will think badly of me. Reputation is important in this community/job. In the end C had a mono relationship so A didn't even get a chance to tell him about her feelings. I don't know if i told A this but I did take a sigh of relief.

Now we come to the actual problem I'm having right now. There is yet another friend of mine (person D) who doesn't work in the same company as me but works in community A. He lives in the same town and we have been good friends for last 1 year or so. I always found him as average guy but then he grew some beard and I started to find him not just nonattractive but also slightly repulsive (after I saw him dropping food all over his beard I think). Due to us going to sauna together a few times, I also saw him naked and for some reason that experience made me even more disgusted by him (physically).

OTOH, A got really good friends with him. At times I thought she'd want to be romantic with him and I felt very bad about that possibility. Not only was there mostly the same issues as with B and C but the fact that i found him physically repulsive made it even worse for me. I think when I agreed to be poly, I had unconcisously assumed that she'll be going out with men that I don't find repulsive at least and as i said the thought of her doing it with other men was originally rather a turn-on for me but in this case, that would not be the case. Its not just sex but the thought of any kind of intimate contact (e.g a kiss) between them would make me feel disgusted and bad.

So while she continued to be in denial about liking him physically as well, she would always want to hang out with him. One day after hanging out with D, we were walking home a bit drunk, she said "Am I being stupid If I want to be friends-with-benefits w/ D?". I told her about my discomfort about the idea and that in the end its up to her of course. A few days later, she told me that she was just very drunk and didn't mean that.

I left for a trip abroad a week ago and before I left, she informed me that she has agreed to go for a beer with D on the very same day as I fly out. I wasn't exactly comfortable but keeping in mind that she doesn't find him attractive physically, I asured myself that nothing will happen between them. Boy was I wrong. That evening, I received messages on facebook from A that they ended up doing it. Also she told me soon afterwards that she was just in denial and actually did find him attractive physically too.

I felt very terrible after that, not only because I didn't want things to go this way but also because I was not informed by either of them before they went for this. I was also very pissed that D for not talking me about this at all while he was at my house having sex with my wife in my bed for 2 nights straight. I talked to him on the 3rd day when he wasn't in her pressence anymore over text chat and he told me that he didn't send me any messages because he wanted to talk to me properly about this subject. He had a long explanation and was saying that he is very sorry about how this went. That discussion did make me feel much better and I thought that was it.

However, that was not it. I still feel very bad and have been having long discussions with A about the sources of my discomfort. Some of them are pure envy and jealousy and I'm hopeful I could work on those but I'm not sure my main sources of discomfort lies in these two categories and thefore not sure how to deal with them:

a. As I explained above, I find even the thought of intimate contact between them disgusting. While she has assured me that she can limit such contact to the time when they are alone, I wonder if this could actually work out on a permanent bases if they decide to continue this for a long time. What is worse is that when I'm not with her, from time to time I tend to imagine what she might be doing at that time. This happens at least when I'm going to sleep. I've been trying to block such thoughts for past few days but haven't entirely been successful. I wonder if this is also something that I can be very successful at as I have a very vivid imagination and she is a big part of my life.

b. The feeling of being totally helpless: Something that I really didn't want to happen is happening and there is nothing I can do about it.

One thought that does make me feel better is about the fact that we are about to move to another country so A and D will not get to spend much time together. So far D seems against the idea of moving but if this gets serious I'm sure he'll give that more serious consideration. Anyway, not exactly a solution but I just wanted to disclose a detail that might be important.

Suggestions welcome on what I should be doing to deal with my discomfort.
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Old 10-10-2013, 09:47 PM
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sdguitarguy sdguitarguy is offline
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You might check out the "I don't like my metamour" thread as a start.

I feel your pain. I have had the issue of "If him, why me?" with one of her bfs that I dislike. But I don't deal with him and I've come to terms with the fact that she does like him.
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Old 10-10-2013, 10:17 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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I've never thought of this before! My wife has a small (innocent so far) crush on a male librarian in our town. I've encouraged her to see where it goes, and I've seen him. I'd never have sex with him (I'm not into guys as a general rule), but to me it gives me some comfort. If the first guy she has sex with is gorgeous, it may be harder on my growing self-esteem. But to be repulsed? Hmm. I guess I would focus on the actions and positions they were in, versus other aspects of his physical appearance...And like you have said, focus on your partner's happiness in having this experience.
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Old 10-10-2013, 10:19 PM
polyman polyman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sdguitarguy View Post
You might check out the "I don't like my metamour" thread as a start.

I feel your pain. I have had the issue of "If him, why me?" with one of her bfs that I dislike. But I don't deal with him and I've come to terms with the fact that she does like him.
Thanks. If i understood correctly, PolyAus' problem is somewhat different than my current problem. The issue for her seems to be that she just doesn't get along in general with her metamour. OTOH I do get along with my current metamour just fine, its the sex or intimate part btw him and my wife that is problematic for me. That and the fact that things are going in a direction where I really didn't want them to go.
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Old 10-10-2013, 10:31 PM
polyman polyman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicarious View Post
I've never thought of this before! My wife has a small (innocent so far) crush on a male librarian in our town. I've encouraged her to see where it goes, and I've seen him. I'd never have sex with him (I'm not into guys as a general rule), but to me it gives me some comfort. If the first guy she has sex with is gorgeous, it may be harder on my growing self-esteem. But to be repulsed? Hmm. I guess I would focus on the actions and positions they were in, versus other aspects of his physical appearance...And like you have said, focus on your partner's happiness in having this experience.
Oh, that sounds like a good advice. At the very least worth trying. Thanks. Wonder why I never thought of this solution that sound obvious to me now. Although this will only be a solution for my imagination or (big) maybe even watching them doing it (which is unlikely as I think person D does not want that) but I don't see it working for casual kissing, e.g. It will be hard to ignore his face from the picture.
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Old 10-11-2013, 03:39 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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It doesn't sound like an issue where you dislike D's personality, if I am understanding correctly.

So to the physical... I am female. I can't speak for all females, but for me whether or not I find someone sexually attractive has to do with personality, attitude, intelligence. Oh sure, I notice pretty people - males and females alike - but they are like art. I have had the experience of finding a very average guy, and even somewhat on the slightly repulsive side, become ever more attractive once I see what's inside his head. I have had it work the other way too - somebody that had physical beauty becoming markedly unattractive when I got to know him. So your wife may be seeing him in a completely different way than you do. If you just paid attention to D's personality, what would you see?

Now, the bottom line is I know D does not fit your fantasy of watching some hot dude, bang your wife. Separate that out of the equation too. Them remember, you aren't having sex with him; your wife is. And in this situation, the only important thing is that she does see something in him. You don't have to.
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Old 10-11-2013, 03:25 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
Now, the bottom line is I know D does not fit your fantasy of watching some hot dude, bang your wife. Separate that out of the equation too. Them remember, you aren't having sex with him; your wife is. And in this situation, the only important thing is that she does see something in him. You don't have to.
This is the core issue, well said bookbug.

It's healthy to have fantasies and sometimes we are fortunate enough to have them come to fruition. Many times fantasies just stay fantasies and (depending on how important they are to us) we can continue to keep an eye out for the ability to bring them to life. In this particular instance this guy doesn't fit the bill for your particular fantasy... no biggie.

What I'm gathering though is that you had the expectation of your wife only dating men who will satisfy this fantasy for you. Is that correct? Since you like this fellow and have no personal issue with him I can only surmise that this is what you are "struggling" with. If this is the case, I would suggest you take bookbugs advice to heart and separate your own desires from your wifes desires. If at some point in the future they intersect perfectly then have a party, but it is unreasonable to expect that your wife should go "hot dude" shopping just because that's what you want.
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