Throuples (three-way relationships)

L

Lottie

New member
What are people's experiences with throupling?

This may be a potential for me soon, but either way, I am craving info, experiences and advice. I can't find much anywhere.

The only hiccup with this potential throupling I may enter into, is that I am in a poly primary partnership and we may invite another woman in who is a little younger than us and completely inexperienced with polyamory, though hesitant, yet keen! It is a fairly even situation. She began seeing my partner but now I have become involved and we're crushing.

Thanks, pals!
 
Good god, I can't use that word, either.

Then again, if you search for triad, you'll find a bunch on this site. That's how I got started as I was trying to find out more information about the triad that I've been (happily) stumbling into. Sounds like you're doing the same-- happily crushing on each other. Woohoo! Enjoy!
 
Not a fan of the word myself. But what you are suggesting is a triad where everyone is involved with everyone else, yes?
 
I remember reading somewhere a 'thruple' (agree damn stupid word) was defined as a threesome, where everyone joined together at the same or nearly the same time, there was no primary couple previously existing, and therefore no couple privilege. I know it's totally made up, but I like that definition.

Anyhow, what you are thinking of is more commonly referred to as a triad. It's probably a super bad idea to get involved with your metamour, but that never stopped anyone. ;)
 
Good luck with that...:rolleyes:
 
If a male and a female partner go hunting for a single bi babe for them both to "love" and fuck, it generally doesn't work. Usually the unicorn gets fed up with feeling like a 3rd wheel, a dirty secret, a babysitter. She doesn't get invited to activities (extended family or work parties, or any outdoor event where she might be seen or introduced as a lover), she's in the closet, she can't tell her friends she's in a relationship with a couple as they will all think she is crazy. Sometimes the established couple won't let her have sex with them individually, only with them together, or go out on dates one on one, while they get to have sex one on one with each other, or go on dates, whenever they want. Sometimes they have her move across country and into their home, only to treat her like a housemaid, or worse. She may not even get her own room. She may not have other partners. She may not share in finances. She may not get pregnant by the man's sperm.

Now, your situation is slightly different since you and your bf didn't go looking for a hot bi babe to "add" or "share" or "complete you", it just started happening.

So, if your potential gf is allowed other partners, maybe already has a bf or gf of her own, has her own place nearby and her own transportation, her own financial independence, is "allowed" to get pregnant by your shared bf should she want to, with legal financial, practical and emotional support in place, is allowed to be "out" to your family and friends, can have dates and sex individually with each of you, etc., etc., this all could work.
 
Wow. Okay, for the record, throuple is fucking hilarious and I def choose it over triad, though triad sounds like a really cool gang. It is a gang, isn't it? Thanks for the heads-up on the more common term. It would make sense as to why I couldn't find much.

Magdlyn, that description sounds incredibly depressing, but yes, she has absolute agency to do what she wants and date whoever she feels. That is the point of polyamory, right? She lives close, has her own transport, we all live in different houses. We're not out yet, but that is because it is still very new, but we are lucky to live in a community where some friends are poly and no one bats an eye, though I think we are the first potential THROUPLE. She already comes out with us, and has made mutual friends, so there isn't any of that unhealthy type behaviour that was mentioned.

It is still new, so I am hesitant to make any presumptions, but I could assume that the situation would be: me and him / her and him / me and her / all of us together!

This is me on a happy high and not taking everything into consideration, which is why I have turned to you all. I would love to hear some success stories, advice, experiences..
 
When I ran a poll on here, out of 65 participants, only 9 were in a triad-like arrangement. That should tell you something. Almost half were a V or similar arrangement. Think about it.
 
Dagferi, I love stats as much as the next person, and 9 out of 65 is still a pretty respectable percentage. It's obvious, from everything that gets written about triads, that they require a certain amount of work, and that the details of that work are what matters - not to the outside world, but to the participants themselves. To slam triads with blanket statements and sarcasm, while ignoring the subtleties of each situation, doesn't help the listener, and sure isn't doing justice to what the speaker probably wishes to say.

Could you find a way of asking and inquiring, as opposed to attacking and injuring? It seems that triads are different from the norm, in poly-land, but slagging on them doesn't really help anyone. Ridicule is heaped on the unicorn hunters, sure, but what meaningful and helpful advice could you give those who stumble into these situations? What might help that world of three couples among three people, perhaps a triad in addition, and where they might be headed?

For the OP, that's what I'd ask. What kind of insights are you looking for? What are the details that matter, right now? What are you thinking about, happy about, worried about? Success lies in mastering the details - what are you thinking is the most important thing going on, right now?
 
Lottie said:
I would love to hear some success stories, advice, experiences..
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I believe we have a couple of successful triads on the board. With any luck they'll chime in shortly.

Have you tried to do another search with "triad"?

pulliman said:
To slam triads with blanket statements and sarcasm, while ignoring the subtleties of each situation, doesn't help the listener, and sure isn't doing justice to what the speaker probably wishes to say.

Could you find a way of asking and inquiring, as opposed to attacking and injuring? It seems that triads are different from the norm, in poly-land, but slagging on them doesn't really help anyone. Ridicule is heaped on the unicorn hunters, sure, but what meaningful and helpful advice could you give those who stumble into these situations? What might help that world of three couples among three people, perhaps a triad in addition, and where they might be headed?
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Yes, Dag, why don't you post more to pulliman's personal preference? He's given you some great advice on how to be more like him, so why don't you do us all a favor and stop being you -- and be someone else?

Pulliman, feel free to continue critiquing the commenting styles of other posters. It's lots of fun.
 
Marcus said:
Yes, Dag, why don't you post more to pulliman's personal preference? He's given you some great advice on how to be more like him, so why don't you do us all a favor and stop being you -- and be someone else?

Pulliman, feel free to continue critiquing the commenting styles of other posters. It's lots of fun.
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More like me? Nah. That would be silly. I don't see sarcasm and slagging as being helpful - but then again, my commenting style seems worthy of critique. Gotcha. Circular argument. Ending it now, have a good evening, and I'm going to let the OP be the topic of this thread...
 
Oh noes... The kumbaya police are here.

Sorry. I've known at least a dozen triads over the years. Only 1 lasted for any length of time.

Triads are a rarity, not the norm. How long has yours been together, pulliman?
 
Great question, Dagferi. I don't think I'm even comfortable calling it a triad, most of the time. We have three couples. We have time with the three of us together, but to really call us a triad seems a bit early. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that until, I don't know, a year or two or four? So, the answer is: can't say.

Right now, maybe it's easier to call it dating-- just lots of it. Using the word "triad" is, for me, a way to define the space in which we're doing our dating, not a definition of our relationship status. We're flowing toward what feels right for us, adjusting as things develop. It's pretty fluid, right now. We are three dating couples involving only three people, with an additional "three-person organism" out there, as well.

For what it's worth, I've known a few triads that have lasted a decade or many, some living together as a threesome, others happily not living together, and one a "third" living separately from a well-established couple. I'm going to paraphrase Dan Savage on this one - you rarely see third anniversaries of triads. But mostly, from the ones I know, it's because they don't give a shit about broadcasting what they're doing. They just live.
 
But mostly, from the ones I know, it's because they don't give a shit about broadcasting what they're doing. They just live.
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You know, I have heard this a few times, but it bugs me because it places triads on some sort of extra-special plane, far removed from any other poly people, where they have no need of blogs, forums or meet-ups at all, unlike all other poly people! Or can we simply accept that there are very few functioning ones that last for any length of time?

I am sure that there are many triads living happily offline, but why should their proportions be any different from what we see as the distribution of the different poly configurations online?

When you first get involved in a triad, this knowledge can be distressing, and you'll try to find ways of making your triad unique and unlikely to follow the usual trend. But it just doesn't tend to last for long. As long as all three members accept that they can have great relationships, the problems are with those "seeking their perfect lifelong third."
 
Natja said:
I have heard this a few times, but it bugs me, because it places triads on some sort of extra-special plane, far removed from any other poly people, where they have no need of blogs, forums or meet-ups at all, unlike all other poly people!
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Well, I often say that kind of thing, but about poly people in general, not just triads. It's my belief that there are many more people out there than we realize, who are happily ensconced in what we would recognize as poly or ethical non-monogamous relationships, who perhaps have never heard the term, or who have no need for online forums and organized meetups. Lots of people have multiple relationships that "just happen," so they don't need all that crap. So, when I read that comment, I took it to mean those folks who are living their lives polyamorously, not just about triads.

Natja said:
Or can we simply accept that there are very few functioning ones that last for any length of time?
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At least not on those terms that have become stereotyped-- the man, woman, and the hot bi babe at their beck and call, and not allowed to be with anyone else. I think there might be a few really successful triads where one or more of the members has relationships with people outside that triad, for example.
 
This should be stamped on all triad posts--

Magdlyn said:
If a male and a female partner go hunting for a single bi babe for them both to "love" and fuck, it generally doesn't work. Usually the unicorn gets fed up with feeling like a 3rd wheel, a dirty secret, a babysitter. She doesn't get invited to activities (extended family or work parties, or any outdoor event where she might be seen or introduced as a lover), she's in the closet, she can't tell her friends she's in a relationship with a couple as they will all think she is crazy. Sometimes the established couple won't let her have sex with them individually, only with them together, or go out on dates one on one, while they get to have sex one on one with each other, or go on dates, whenever they want. Sometimes they have her move across country and into their home, only to treat her like a housemaid, or worse. She may not even get her own room. She may not have other partners. She may not share in finances. She may not get pregnant by the man's sperm.

Now, your situation is slightly different since you and your bf didn't go looking for a hot bi babe to "add" or "share" or "complete you," it just started happening.

So, if your potential gf is allowed other partners, maybe already has a bf or gf of her own, has her own place nearby and her own transportation, her own financial independence, is "allowed" to get pregnant by your shared bf should she want to, with legal financial, practical and emotional support in place, is allowed to be "out" to your family and friends, can have dates and sex individually with each of you, etc., etc., this all could work.
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... as it sums up perfectly what the gist is, if only a gist could also be defined as the exact thoughts condensed on all posts with triads as the topic. It would save the OP from having to read four or five pages of many many confusing ways to say what Magdlyn wrote in two quick paragraphs with a sentence between them, and it would save the moderator on duty from having to step in and often lock the thread.
 
Lottie said:
Magdlyn, that description sounds incredibly depressing, but yes, she has absolute agency to do what she wants and date whoever she feels. That is the point of polyamory right?
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You might think so, but no. Read around the boards and you will find many polyamorous people who are poly-fidelitous, or poly-fi. That is, 3 or 4 people who have all made an agreement (sometimes under duress, sometimes happily) to only be with their closed group. Heck, we even have people here who ID as polyamorous, but are living monogamously for an extended period of time.

She lives close, has her own transport, we all live in different houses. We're not out yet, but that is because it is still very new, but we are lucky to live in a community where some friends are poly and no one bats an eye, though I think we are the first potential THROUPLE. She already comes out with us and has made mutual friends, so there isn't any of that unhealthy type behaviour that was mentioned.
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I'm glad you have all have open-minded friends! If you stay together for more than a few months, will blood family visits and opinions come into play?

How about at work? I am bi and poly but don't let my employers know... which is kind of tricky. Even with certain friends, when I am out with my gf, I often have to edit myself when I want to mention my bf. Some of them are not aware we are poly, or wouldn't get it.

I know you are brand new to all of this. And who knows? You might break up with one or both of your new partners sooner rather than later, but I've been with my gf almost five years, my bf almost two, and others have been doing it much longer than me. We aren't a triad, though my gf and bf have had some sexual contact. We are a V, which is a much much more common and easier arrangement. My two partners happen to get along great, but it's never gone over into a three-way equal loving/dating thing.
 
nycindie said:
Well, I often say that kind of thing, but about poly people in general, not just triads.
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Oh yes, I agree. I do think that there is a high proportion of non-monos of all sorts living quietly, but so many people trot this out with regards to triads, as if there were somehow a higher proportion of triads out there, which totally invalidates the claim that working/successful triads are few and far between (but very, very commonly sought).
 
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