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  #21  
Old 10-08-2013, 11:02 PM
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Re (from nostorinogt):
Quote:
"She wants to find another woman in her same situation (married with kids)."
Ohh ... that sounds to me like she is entering the dating scene with some very specific expectations of her envisioned partner. What if she meets someone who isn't married? someone who doesn't have kids? Wouldn't it be a little prejudicial to rule that person out as a partner because they didn't meet every expectation?

As for "one person tending the kids at home while the other person's off having fun" ... I would suggest taking turns. Sometimes you tend the kids and she goes out and dates. Other times she tends the kids and you go out and, well either date or just do whatever to you is the most fun. Maybe just hanging out with friends or visiting a bar or arcade or ... whatever *you* want to do. Doesn't have to be dating, unless that's what you feel like.

Re: your wife ... it seems to me that she is discovering her bisexuality and being with any woman should be helpful as long as she and said woman share opinions, interests, and desires. So again, I would caution her against piling extra expectations upon this as-yet unseen woman. Doing so could make her search more difficult than it has to be.

Opening up (to one's family) can come with huge concequences. Are you sure you want to require that of your wife, especially if your family is more open-minded than hers? Lots of polyamorous people "live in the closet" and no one considers that to be a "poly sin."

I guess I would just caution you as a couple to be flexible and not too particular about what the future "has to look like." People are always unpredictable, and this is especially true in romance. When you fall in love with someone, it may be someone totally unlike what you expected, and someone who doesn't "fit comfortably into the space you prepared for them." Don't deprive yourselves of the joy of romance just because you fall in love with "the wrong person." The only "wrong person" in romance is someone who is dishonest and/or manipulative. As long as you meet someone with a sincere heart and and open mind, I would encourage you to explore a new life with that person.

That, after all, is what makes polyamory such a wonderful prospect.
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  #22  
Old 10-09-2013, 02:56 AM
nostorinogt nostorinogt is offline
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Default The other half

Hi. I have been reading all of your insightful and helpful comments. I figured it was time to join the conversation. I am Mrs. Nostorinogt. Mike has given you some of the background and chain of events that have shaped the last month of our lives. I have been bisexual since I was a teenager. Whether or not my abusive childhood had any bearing on my sexual preferences I do not know. When I met Mike, I knew he was special. I thought I could put myself in a hetero box. I had wishfully thought my attraction to women was a phase. Over the span of our 8 wonderful years together, it has become increasingly evident that it was not a phase. The desires to embrace the bisexual me once more had become so strong that I had to come out to Mike. I did not get the reaction I had hoped for, however he loves me deeply and is willing to step out of his comfort zone. He is very keen on the idea of a triad, and I am more of a one on one type of person. My desire is not just sexual as he has mentioned. I want a woman who can offer friendship first, and a woman who is married with kids. My family is my top priority. Because of this, I want a like minded woman who understands and has the same priorities. Any other pairing could have undesired results. I want a friend w benefits to bond with the way only women can. My husband wants a triad. I still hold our marriage as a union between us. Finding a woman that fits both our requirements and will be happy with the arrangement is going to be close to impossible. There are too many variables. In my scenario my married life would not h change and we could both have play time. I have no jealousy. It's not in my nature. We are both here of our own will because we chose each other. He lives in a black and white traditional world, and I live in the gray. There are different types of love, and sex is a seperate entity. I have no problem differentiating between the two. He seems to think I will. I had no problem differentiating between them with woman I was with no one even suspected we were FWB's. I just don't know what else I can say to assure Mike that I will not do anything to jeopardize our marriage if he will just trust me and my love for him.
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  #23  
Old 10-09-2013, 06:35 AM
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Well welcome Amanda, I hope our website continues to be helpful for you.

There's no rules about what circumstances and attributes you want in a new partner, as long as you're aware that more requirements = a lengthier search.

Looking for a triad would be a long shot because you'd have to roll the dice and hope the woman you found was (preferably equally) in love with you and Mike both. Not an easy proposition. But like you said, the triad thing is more Mike's ideal than it is yours.

So do you more picture you and Mike dating separate women separately? You seem to be less into the "emotional attachment" aspect of the outside relationship, where as Mike might grow quite attached to someone. Would that pose a problem for you as far as you know?

Is Mike worried that you will get "too attached" to a woman, and leave him for her? Perhaps Mike could spend some time thinking over what he'd need in order to feel reassured.

Check out our various threads, use the search and tag search features, and find out if there's anything you need to know. It's always a good idea to post your thoughts, questions, and concerns, I think.

So welcome aboard,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #24  
Old 10-09-2013, 12:15 PM
nostorinogt nostorinogt is offline
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Default concerns

Its mike again. Yes I have some issues that will take time to straighten out. When we decided to do this I did some research and there were people that said to do a contract and have a specific set of rules. Well since I am the one stepping out of my comfort zone I decided I should be the one writing the rules and making the contract. I thought about what she needs to make her happy and keep me happy. I based the rules off of this and told her we would start this when we both agreed to abide by the contract and rules. As soon as she read the contract she started pushing for more.
The possibility of her falling in love with the other woman and out of love with me is another issue. She says that she will not let this happen but she does not know. We have some very specific stuff in the contract that addresses this.
We have a cooling off period of about 14 months before anything happens to get more knowledge and to build everything we have. Once all of our goals are met then we start this new life as partners.
I love Amanda with all my heart and trust the woman I thought I married. This new Amanda is the person I have to get to know.
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  #25  
Old 10-09-2013, 01:02 PM
Indygirl78 Indygirl78 is offline
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Mike, she's not a "new" Amanda, just one that has felt comfortable enough to open up some of deepest, until recently hidden away, desires. She still loves you just the same.

There is always the possibility that you will both form deep emotional attachments with future lovers, but that does not mean that things will change between you. Loving another doesn't mean there is less love to go around. It doesn't work like that. If you guys have a strong bond between you that won't change.

Be careful with making rules. Or if you feel you need them go in with an open mind that rules can be modified in the future as love doesn't always know how to follow a set of guidelines.

I'm happy to see that you are both communicating your desires to each other. Keeping those lines of communication is important to a successful relationship no matter what the situation.
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  #26  
Old 10-09-2013, 01:26 PM
nostorinogt nostorinogt is offline
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She is the new to me Amanda. This thing she has know about for years and has kept hidden from me is what make her new. I have learned so much from her in the last 2 months and it has been amazing. Do I wish she would have told me sooner well yes. She has open my eyes up to a whole new world.
The rules are just a starting point until I become more comfortable. I only have one rule that I am not going to budge on for a long time. Most of the rules are about the family she has now being more important than anything. I want her to go into this and have a good time. I want her to explore this new life. I want to be able to explore things also.
You have got to understand I have came along way with this in just 2 months. It started out that she chose to marry a man, she should live with her choice. Then as I thought about this more I thought about her happiness. I thought about the advantages for me. How many people get this opportunity to live in a loving marriage and still get to seek an outside partner? Now things will be different for me. I don't need someone to talk with, too share my feelings with. That's why I have a wife. I don't really need a connection outside of my marriage. My side will probably more of a sexual thing. She needs a friend that she can occasionally have sexual contact with.
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  #27  
Old 10-09-2013, 01:35 PM
nostorinogt nostorinogt is offline
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I am open to love with someone else. It just wont be the same love that I have with my wife. There comes a time when to much time is taken away from your marriage and your family ,that is my stopping point in all of this. If I ever do feel neglected then It will be brought up and things will stop. If it is all seamless then I will never have a problem with our new life.
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  #28  
Old 10-09-2013, 01:46 PM
Indygirl78 Indygirl78 is offline
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I'm happy for you guys. Amanda, I wish you the best in finding what you seek. It's great that you are able to be who you really are and to have such a wonderful spouse who is willing to support you in this journey.
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  #29  
Old 10-09-2013, 06:11 PM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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I don't think this has been posted on this thread yet, but I think both of you, Mike and Amanda, could definitely gain a lot from reading it:

http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-c...nicorn-hunter/

Good luck in your search, and in your growth together in this new lifestyle.
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  #30  
Old 10-09-2013, 07:03 PM
nostorinogt nostorinogt is offline
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I have got past the whole triad thing. After having a long talk with my wife I now know that is not what she wants ,but I have got to take advantage of having a bisexual wife at least once.
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