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  #31  
Old 03-01-2010, 10:33 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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I feel like this is turning in to a soap opera " Day in the life of polytriad"

We all had a very open communication session and aired out a lot of things that needed to be laid out. We are not back on path to polytriad....We will be seeing a poly councilor
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  #32  
Old 03-02-2010, 12:38 AM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Well, hopefully this will help you get further down the road of learning where each of you are in your feelings on poly and relationships. Sometimes it's not until we actually experience something that we really know how we feel. We make our best possible informed guess, but reality can sometimes be quite different.

With any luck, it will help each of you be able to be more open with each other about how you really feel.
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  #33  
Old 03-05-2010, 04:21 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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After the long deep conversation between the three of us, Nikki and Wifey had a conversation one on one the next day.



During our group conversation it was identified that Wifey wasn't able to develop romantic feelings for Nikki because I reverted our relationship (me and Wifey) to the same level that Nikki and Wifey relationship was. For example:

Nikki and Wifey were not having sex, so Wifey and I wasnít having sex. Nikki and Wifey werenít cuddling, so Me and Wifey wasnít cuddling...etc...



I wasn't doing this on purpose it was just happening that way. I think subconsciously I was worried that if Nikki was to see that Wifey and I were doing things her and Wifey wasnít, it would bother her.



It was also identified that my focus was on both Wifey and Nikki instead of just being on Wifey. Nikki and Wifey were supposed to be dating and Nikki and I were supposed to behave as friends. Nikki and I were in effect supposed to be showering Wifey with love. Nikki was doing her part and I wasnít. Because of my subconscious reverting, Wifey was trying to figure out why our relationship had reverted which gave little or no time to focus on developing her relationship with Nikki. She was consistently worried about how her actions with Nikki would affect her standings with me. This resulted in Wifey feeling like if she was to be in a poly relationship (triad) with Nikki and me, she would get more of Nikki and less of me. This was defiantly not the perception we wanted to linger over the idea of a triad nor was it a good representation of how we wanted things to be long term.



It turns out that Wifeys feelings for Nikki werenít being affected by the way I feel about Nikki. Her feelings were being affected based on the way she felt I was treating her based on the way she was treating Nikki. This may have caused some misplaced resentment toward Nikki. The resentment also was developing because I was doing things for Nikki such as helping her cook or helping her do laundry when I donít do those things for Wifey.



The outcome of our conversations both separately and together helped us grow and refocus on our common goal. Wifey and Nikki wiped the slate clean and are starting over. I am going to make sure to keep my focus on Wifey and her needs. Nikki will do that same. Wifey expressed that she can return our energy full circle meaning that if I am giving her love, she can not only give it back to me but to Nikki as well and vice versa.

I am happy about the outcome but I am starting to feel like I'm resenting Wifey for preventing me for being with Nikki. What do I do?
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  #34  
Old 03-05-2010, 04:29 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I wish you had a name for your wife other than "Wifey". "Nikki" has a name. "Wifey" sounds more like she's not a person but could be anyone in the "role" of "Wifey".
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  #35  
Old 03-05-2010, 04:39 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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This "keeping score" thing is disturbing. All the more because in the past I have done it.

You have to let each of the four relationships in this group (you and your wife, your wife and Nikki, you and Nikki, and the three of you) develop as they need to. You have to stop second-guessing the others, too - and you have to establish the dynamic that if someone is uncomfortable with something they will tell you and then the three of you can work to resolve whatever is disturbing. For example "It makes me uncomfortable when I see you two french kiss" doesn't necessarily mean you stop french kissing, but you do it in private.

It's too easy to get into a dance of doing what you think others want you to do, and crippling yourself and your relationships in the process. If you're not sure about something, then get into the habit of asking.
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  #36  
Old 03-05-2010, 04:42 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
I wish you had a name for your wife other than "Wifey". "Nikki" has a name. "Wifey" sounds more like she's not a person but could be anyone in the "role" of "Wifey".
This is the actually what everyone in our circle of friends and family calls her. There is a funny story behind it.
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  #37  
Old 03-05-2010, 04:55 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
This is the actually what everyone in our circle of friends and family calls her. There is a funny story behind it.
Well then, if it's her real nickname then I guess I can stand it after all.
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  #38  
Old 03-05-2010, 05:18 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "Keeping score"

Both Nikki and Wifey are very passive so their relationship is progressing really slow. Meanwhile I am waiting around for the grand invite! I am very forward, aggressive, and outspoken so I see opportunities where progression can happen in their relationship and it frustrates me to see them not taking them. I love to talk out issues but I don't see a feasible resolution as Wifey is not ready to include me in on the relationship. This in turn only makes me desire Nikki more and feel resentment toward Wifey. It the beginning of this "her date Nikki and Nikki and I just be friends" I understood that they wanted to date eachother without me so they could figure out if they even wanted to work on a long term relationship. I feel like they are past the dating phase and are now working on the relationship. With that being said, I think the poly triad relationship can run parallel to the interconnected separate relationships within our triad. But like I said in previous post that if I bring this up then I'm branded as impatient.

I really don't know what to do at this point.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
This "keeping score" thing is disturbing. All the more because in the past I have done it.

You have to let each of the four relationships in this group (you and your wife, your wife and Nikki, you and Nikki, and the three of you) develop as they need to. You have to stop second-guessing the others, too - and you have to establish the dynamic that if someone is uncomfortable with something they will tell you and then the three of you can work to resolve whatever is disturbing. For example "It makes me uncomfortable when I see you two french kiss" doesn't necessarily mean you stop french kissing, but you do it in private.

It's too easy to get into a dance of doing what you think others want you to do, and crippling yourself and your relationships in the process. If you're not sure about something, then get into the habit of asking.
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  #39  
Old 03-05-2010, 05:35 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "Keeping score"
Sorry - I didn't explain.

"OK, I held her hand, that means I now have to hold HER hand. I don't feel comfortable kissing her today, so I can't kiss HER today." that sort of thing. In my opinion the relationships are independant and shouldn't be compared.

Quote:
Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
Both Nikki and Wifey are very passive so their relationship is progressing really slow. Meanwhile I am waiting around for the grand invite!
The "grand invite" to what? Join their relationship? I would suggest that there is another way of looking at this - that you will never join "their" relationship, because that is theirs - let it go at the pace it will, because it should affect you. If it DOES affect you then you need to work out why.

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Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
I am very forward, aggressive, and outspoken so I see opportunities where progression can happen in their relationship and it frustrates me to see them not taking them.
So it frustrates you that you can't influence or control their relationship and dictate the pace of it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
This in turn only makes me desire Nikki more and feel resentment toward Wifey. It the beginning of this "her date Nikki and Nikki and I just be friends"
So you have set things up so that your wife and Nikki's relationship limits or shapes your relationship with Nikki. It's not surprising that this causes you tension, and maybe this is something that you need to examine, the three of you. Why does this muzzle have to be on? What purpose does it serve?

Quote:
I understood that they wanted to date eachother without me so they could figure out if they even wanted to work on a long term relationship. I feel like they are past the dating phase and are now working on the relationship.
Bluntly, it doesn't matter what you think about what phase they are in - they are in whatever phase THEY feel it is in.

Quote:
With that being said, I think the poly triad relationship can run parallel to the interconnected separate relationships within our triad. But like I said in previous post that if I bring this up then I'm branded as impatient.
Well, the three dynamic is definitely affected by the inidividual pair relationships - that's unavoidable - maybe it's not even destined to be - maybe it will be a triad in the sense that you each have your individual pair relationships, and work as friends as a three. Cna be perfectly viable.

Quote:
I really don't know what to do at this point.
Well, it feels a bit like you are trying to force this to be something that it isn't (at least isn't YET). You have your "ideal" of where you want this to be, and are "working towards the goal", without regard for how the other two really feel.

(and if this feels like I am throwing stones, here, it's because i did EXACTLY the same thing in my first poly V/triad - it ended with just a load of resentment from everyone)

You need to relax, you need to get to the point where you and Nikki can have your relationship and work on that, and you can put energy into working with your wife on yours, too. Work on the three of you being good friends, do stuff together - don't push. They say that the trick is to go at the speed that all are comfortable - and it sounds like you aren't willing to do that, or are getting frustrated doing that. That is something I think you need to work on.

Also, try to get rid of the idea of how this needs to be as a configuration, and let it be whatever it will be. Try to stop forcing it into your ideal.

If this sounds blunt, please forgive me - I kind of wish I had someone telling me this stuff years ago....
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  #40  
Old 03-05-2010, 06:35 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Sorry - I didn't explain.

"OK, I held her hand, that means I now have to hold HER hand. I don't feel comfortable kissing her today, so I can't kiss HER today." that sort of thing. In my opinion the relationships are independant and shouldn't be compared.
Oh I was saying that I was doing this subconsciously I had no idea I was doing this until I knew I was doing it...

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
The "grand invite" to what? Join their relationship? I would suggest that there is another way of looking at this - that you will never join "their" relationship, because that is theirs - let it go at the pace it will, because it should affect you. If it DOES affect you then you need to work out why.
The grand invite is when Wifey is ready to be in a triad (all of us together) I am not romantically involved with Nikki at this point I'm waiting until their "ready"

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
So it frustrates you that you can't influence or control their relationship and dictate the pace of it.
No that doesn't frustrate me. I don't want control, I think all of us should have a stake in the pace or relationship. What frustrates me is that I feel like their efforts in their pace does not factor in the fact that I am waiting.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
So you have set things up so that your wife and Nikki's relationship limits or shapes your relationship with Nikki. It's not surprising that this causes you tension, and maybe this is something that you need to examine, the three of you. Why does this muzzle have to be on? What purpose does it serve?
It was never intended for their relationship to shape the relationship I have with Nikki it was supposed to be short term to us all being together (which was a consensus) once they decided that they wanted to be in a relationship with one another the triad was supposed to begin. so the purpose has already been served yet they continue. Oh and FYI wifey would want me to be in a relationship without her being involved....she couldnt wear my shoes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Bluntly, it doesn't matter what you think about what phase they are in - they are in whatever phase THEY feel it is in.
I wouldnt be concerned at what phase they are in but since as it stands...the phase they're in determines when my romantic relationship begins with Nikki

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Well, the three dynamic is definitely affected by the inidividual pair relationships - that's unavoidable - maybe it's not even destined to be - maybe it will be a triad in the sense that you each have your individual pair relationships, and work as friends as a three. Cna be perfectly viable.

Well, it feels a bit like you are trying to force this to be something that it isn't (at least isn't YET). You have your "ideal" of where you want this to be, and are "working towards the goal", without regard for how the other two really feel.

(and if this feels like I am throwing stones, here, it's because i did EXACTLY the same thing in my first poly V/triad - it ended with just a load of resentment from everyone)

You need to relax, you need to get to the point where you and Nikki can have your relationship and work on that, and you can put energy into working with your wife on yours, too. Work on the three of you being good friends, do stuff together - don't push. They say that the trick is to go at the speed that all are comfortable - and it sounds like you aren't willing to do that, or are getting frustrated doing that. That is something I think you need to work on.

Also, try to get rid of the idea of how this needs to be as a configuration, and let it be whatever it will be. Try to stop forcing it into your ideal.

If this sounds blunt, please forgive me - I kind of wish I had someone telling me this stuff years ago....
all in all thank you for the tough love. I just don't know if I can deal especially if I don't understand why they are going down the path of a V when we agreed to be working on a triad.
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