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Old 10-08-2013, 04:44 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Default Having kids?? or.. To be or not to be?

I am posting this into the Poly Relationships Corner, even though my concern is not exactly poly related. So here we go:

Why do people have children? How come they are able to do that? Not talking about the biology of this, but the ethics and theory.

My opinion has been since quite young that had I had a choice, I would choose not existing. Life is just too painful. Yes, I have been diagnosed with depression, but that was in the past. Nowadays I quite enjoy my life and do not actively want to die anymore. Still, given the choice, I would choose to not have lived at all.

This has resulted for me absolutely not wanting to have children. Since I would choose non-existence for myself, why would I choose otherwise for someone else? So, my choice has been to struggle through my life the best I can, but not bring another soul onto this earth to suffer.

This has become a problem lately, though. CJ, my husband, has changed his mind about kids, and now he wants to have one or two with me. There has been big changes in his life prior to this, and I can see why he thinks like he does. For a while I thought that maybe I could go along and actually have a kid with him. My life is now quite well balanced, the physical health better than ever before as well as mental health. So I have no reason to object, in that sense.

Mark, my other partner, is totally fascinated about the idea, and wants to support me in all possible ways. Well, that is valid whether I choose to have a child or not. We have even agreed among the three of us about the level of involvement that he would have with this possible child or children. We are financially stable and all that. So I would have all the support in the world if I chose to become a Momma - and I cannot.

This became clear when we finally agreed that Id go off my birth control. The result: absolute panic attacks. After some soul searching I realized that even though my life is good now, I still cannot make the choice of existence for someone else. Nope. So, the birth control is on, still, and now I am trying to make some kind of internal change.

Now What to do? Is it possible to change this thinking and how? Any thoughts, anyone?
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Old 10-08-2013, 05:40 PM
Maleficent Maleficent is offline
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Firstly, knowing you're not cut out for parenthood is a good thing to acknowledge. Too many people don't think it out and the kids suffer. If you aren't sure then don't.

My husband and I have three kids. My wife has four from her first marriage. We all work our asses off to make sure their needs are being met. It is unbelievably hard but we wouldn't change a thing. Love those kids. Love my life.
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Old 10-08-2013, 06:31 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Maleficent View Post
Firstly, knowing you're not cut out for parenthood is a good thing to acknowledge. Too many people don't think it out and the kids suffer. If you aren't sure then don't.
Wise words. I thought I was ready, but no. And it definitely is not a good idea to get pregnant if the mere thought of that makes you panic.

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Originally Posted by Maleficent View Post
My husband and I have three kids. My wife has four from her first marriage. We all work our asses off to make sure their needs are being met. It is unbelievably hard but we wouldn't change a thing. Love those kids. Love my life.
Well... I used to be a stepmother in the past, for kids with a single dad. Me and him worked our asses off to meet their needs - and it felt right and meaningful. The most difficult thing in my break-up with their father was the fact that I was not there every day with the kids anymore, that I did not know what they were wearing for school, what they ate for lunch and when they went to bed at night.

The point is - I am quite sure that I do have the parenting skills needed. So are people around me, including both my partners.

The problem is in the choice of a new life. I am fine with all people already existing here - it makes sense to try and make their lives the best possible. Also, I am sure I would love my child and take good care of them. But living with the thought that I am responsible for this new life - I do not think I could handle that. How do other people do that? Why is it that this seems to be no problem to anyone else?
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Old 10-08-2013, 06:55 PM
Maleficent Maleficent is offline
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It is a big deal. Creating a life and being responsible to see it through to adulthood and beyond is a very big deal. Anyone who doesn't feel like they are failing on a regular basis isn't trying hard enough.
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Old 10-08-2013, 07:06 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadya View Post
The problem is in the choice of a new life. I am fine with all people already existing here - it makes sense to try and make their lives the best possible. Also, I am sure I would love my child and take good care of them. But living with the thought that I am responsible for this new life - I do not think I could handle that. How do other people do that? Why is it that this seems to be no problem to anyone else?
So the question is really, why is it so easy for some people to bring life into the world? (Not trying to be a PITA - just trying to make sure I'm answering the right question)

I haven't felt the way you admit to having felt: that you would just as soon have not existed. Not that I have not had some pretty dark thoughts and emotions in my past, but overall, I'm happy I was born and happy to be here now.

I was an "oops" baby. Mom was away at school and had to drop out, pregnant. Bio dad apparently pushed for an abortion, didn't get his way, and left. The odds weren't all in my favor, but I was raised in a loving family, and for all the "ugh" moments I had growing up, I had some really good ones. I enjoy life - to the point where I stop and take the time to take a deep breath after it rains, look for rainbows, rescue the earthworms that have beached themselves on the pavement - that sort of thing. I like to laugh. I like making other people laugh. I have fun in life and I do try to enjoy it as much as I can, even when the rat race gets in the way.

I wanted this for my children. I wanted someone else to experience the world. To grow up knowing family who love them, making friends, growing up in an age of wonder ('70s/'80s kid here - SO many tech advancements, and I see even more happening now)... so many opportunities, if they're not afraid to take them.

Not sure if I can get the emotion across without sounding even more cheesy, but that's it in a coconut shell - I love life. I love this planet (and space exploration? Whee!). There is SO much to see that I will never have time or opportunity to see, but I'm going to cram in as much as I can with the time and opportunity I have left. What a gift, to give that wide open EVERYTHING to someone.

A bit gooshy and over the top, but that's what I've got. You may all stop vomiting now.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono, in an LTR with Chops
Chops (previously known as 'P'): partner and best friend. Poly. In LTRs with me and Xena, and dating Noa.
Xena (previously known as M1): My metamour, Poly. Also in an LTR with Chops. Dating Noa and some others.
Noa (previously AG): Dating Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread:
A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
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Old 10-08-2013, 07:36 PM
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Piroska Piroska is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadya View Post
The problem is in the choice of a new life. I am fine with all people already existing here - it makes sense to try and make their lives the best possible. Also, I am sure I would love my child and take good care of them.
I don't have time at the moment to answer the other part of the question, but this just jumped out at me - if you and your partners are ready and willing to have a child, but you can't make the choice to create new life, but you are fine with the already existing people, in fact, would want to improve their lives, and have the skill, love and stability to do so... why not adopt?

I've never adopted, so I don't know the hassles or details or anything - but wouldn't that be a better solution than trying to convince yourself to go off birth control? Give some child a better life than they would have 'in the system'?
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Old 10-08-2013, 08:57 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
A bit gooshy and over the top, but that's what I've got. You may all stop vomiting now.
That said, I wanted to reiterate that the above glurge is why *I* had kids. I have no desire to push "aw, but having kids is the BESTEST" on anyone, and I have friends who are happily childfree (although it grinds my gears that they have been called "abominations" by "well-meaning" friends... WTF?!).

My ex was all, "Well, it's nice that she sails around the world and has cocktails in Costa Rica while watching the monkeys overhead, but what a shallow existence because she doesn't have kids." Uh, what?
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono, in an LTR with Chops
Chops (previously known as 'P'): partner and best friend. Poly. In LTRs with me and Xena, and dating Noa.
Xena (previously known as M1): My metamour, Poly. Also in an LTR with Chops. Dating Noa and some others.
Noa (previously AG): Dating Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread:
A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
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Old 10-08-2013, 09:19 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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I chose to remain childless by choice for a loooong time. I love kids, I'm the director of a child care center! But I valued my freedom more, and reasoned that there are already plenty of people in the world without my bringing more into it.

Then, I met my boyfriend, who already had a 1-year-old son when I met him. When Kiddo was 6, we took over primary custody, and suddenly I wanted more than anything to have a baby with Fly. I can't tell you what changed, but the need to have a child was so deep and visceral, it freaked me out. It was a complete 180 in my life philosophy! Long story short, we tried for 2 years before discovering that due to the effects of a chronic illness, my body is not suitable for carrying and bearing a healthy child. The realization was like experiencing a death, and I had a very hard time coming to terms with the situation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadya View Post
After some soul searching I realized that even though my life is good now, I still cannot make the choice of existence for someone else.
This is so strange to me, because no one CAN make that choice for themselves. By not having a child, you are making a choice for them -for that potential person to not exist. That's fine, there's nothing wrong with not having children, but I find your reasoning concerning. Additionally, even if your mental health status is improved, if you're still feeling like you wish you had never lived, I have serious doubts as to whether you're in a place where you should be raising a child.

Stand your ground for what is right for you. I'm not familiar with your poly story, but do your guys have other relationships or the freedom to create them? Perhaps there are other avenues where they can experience being fathers without involving you in the procreation process.
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- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
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- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
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  #9  
Old 10-08-2013, 10:24 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I would press that you sound like an amazing candidate for adoption.

My best friend doesn't feel he can bring a child into hte world. He's been adamant about that as long as I've known him and we met in our early teens. He's now in his 40s with two nearly grown adopted children who he adores.
Being able to take his gifted parenting skills to children who were already here suffering was an amazing thing to behold.

If you don't feel right about bearing children-don't. It means you don't have what it takes psychologically to do that. You mgiht have all the abilities to RAISE a child. But that doesn't mean you have the necessary components to bring one into the world and that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you. it just is what it is.
But-if you are able, capable and willing to raise a child who someone brought into the world but didn't care for-what an amazing gift that would be....
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Old 10-08-2013, 11:36 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I agree with everyone else - if you do not want to bear children, then you should not. I do not have children myself. Circumstances never presented themselves to me that made it a viable option, nor did I have a driving force to do so. That said, had circumstances been different I would have welcomed the opportipunity. Point is I was okay with however it played out. (I'm adaptable like that. )

I am curious. Is your reluctance based upon the philosophical idea that life is crap so no one should have to endure it? Or are you concerned that there might be a genetic component to your depression that you might pass along?
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