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  #61  
Old 10-08-2013, 02:21 PM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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Hi all. Thank you Kevin and Vicarious for putting things into words better than I may have so far. Yes, ideally, we would be able to build a relationship where all 3 are enjoying new things together, and no, not always at the same time. My husband and I are still very much in love and do lots of new, fun things together and have an amazing sex life. I have been with other women and enjoy it but I have never been emotionally romantic with a woman. So for the last few years I have been trying to see if I could feel those things with someone of the same sex as myself but so far I have not dated anyone so I truly don't know if I am capable of that. I don't plan on leaving my husband so it is a constant struggle. At my core, yes I am mono but I am in love with a poly man. I think jealousy is normal even if I am not feeling neglected and absolutely nothing is missing in our relationship. I think it will always be a struggle somewhat and something I have to work through. Some days are harder than others.
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  #62  
Old 10-08-2013, 02:30 PM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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Originally Posted by Vicarious View Post
To be fair here, a lot of the work needed to embrace this lifestyle for me is an ebb and flow of exploring online, chatting with people, and maybe finding a person that may be a right fit. It's a lot safer to explore the ideas online than in real life. So it doesn't surprise me that they are looking for a unicorn at the same time as working on her stuff...
Thank you Vicarious that is essentially how I feel. And like I said earlier in this thread, it was becoming easier after it had been 3 years him dating someone else. They broke up in May and it's been just us again, I have started getting used to the old us--just me and him. I have to get used to and work through/read/talk to get through the newness of it all again.
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  #63  
Old 10-08-2013, 02:49 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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If you are mono.. Why are you forcing yourself to be poly. That would just build resentment. What's going to happen is you are going to find some HBB bring her into your relationship. She is going to pick up on the vibe you're not into this.. Bond with hubby and you're going to be on the outside looking in hurt again. Or she is going to say screw this craziness and bail hurting your husband and possibly you.

A mono/poly relationship can work. My second husband is mono. He has no urge for another partner. He loves me as I am. He is comfortable in his own skin and is ok with alone time.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #64  
Old 10-08-2013, 02:59 PM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
If you are mono.. Why are you forcing yourself to be poly. That would just build resentment. What's going to happen is you are going to find some HBB bring her into your relationship. She is going to pick up on the vibe you're not into this.. Bond with hubby and you're going to be on the outside looking in hurt again. Or she is going to say screw this craziness and bail hurting your husband and possibly you.

A mono/poly relationship can work. My second husband is mono. He has no urge for another partner. He loves me as I am. He is comfortable in his own skin and is ok with alone time.
I am ok with alone time...I have friends, family, hobbies, even just my own down time which I like.
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  #65  
Old 10-08-2013, 03:02 PM
sillyskydragon sillyskydragon is offline
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Originally Posted by tamlvscarl View Post
I am ok with alone time...I have friends, family, hobbies, even just my own down time which I like.
The real question is what are you wanting for him? I hear what you are wanting for you.
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  #66  
Old 10-08-2013, 03:13 PM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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Originally Posted by sillyskydragon View Post
The real question is what are you wanting for him? I hear what you are wanting for you.
I would love to give him what he wants...a second person for him to love and share things with (love, fun, happiness, intimacy, etc) without it making me feel jealous/confused/a yo yo of feelings. That is why I come on these boards, read about other people's struggles and how they overcame them, try to find other people who live this way and it works for. I wrote I was ok with having alone time because it may have seemed to some that I need constant time with my hubby which I don't not because I was focusing on my wants and needs.
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  #67  
Old 10-08-2013, 03:13 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Then what is the issue when my husband Butch is out at a Munch socializing with the local BDSM community, an interest that I have no interest in and in fact the lifestyle creeps me out, I do not sit at home worrying about him making all sorts of special intimate memories with new play partners. I enjoy my alone time. I hang out with my friends. Work with my dogs. Read a book. I enjoy my time to myself.

Just because my husband partakes in a lifestyle that is not my cup of tea does not mean I need to partake in it.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #68  
Old 10-08-2013, 03:18 PM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Then what is the issue when my husband Butch is out at a Munch socializing with the local BDSM community, an interest that I have no interest in and in fact the lifestyle creeps me out, I do not sit at home worrying about him making all sorts of special intimate memories with new play partners. I enjoy my alone time. I hang out with my friends. Work with my dogs. Read a book. I enjoy my time to myself.

Just because my husband partakes in a lifestyle that is not my cup of tea does not mean I need to partake in it.
Yes I guess (no I know) you are right I don't have to be/do/want everything my partner wants in life but I still try to be and still coming to terms with the fact that I can't be/do/want all the same things he does.
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  #69  
Old 10-08-2013, 03:22 PM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Then what is the issue when my husband Butch is out at a Munch socializing with the local BDSM community, an interest that I have no interest in and in fact the lifestyle creeps me out, I do not sit at home worrying about him making all sorts of special intimate memories with new play partners. I enjoy my alone time. I hang out with my friends. Work with my dogs. Read a book. I enjoy my time to myself.

Just because my husband partakes in a lifestyle that is not my cup of tea does not mean I need to partake in it.
I think you don't do those things (sit at home worrying about him making all sorts of special intimate memories, etc) because you operate/identify as poly. It is different for someone who is basically mono trying to digest jealousy (in my opinion).
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  #70  
Old 10-08-2013, 03:29 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Please realize I feel for you.. I know you're in pain. All I can offer its a cyber hug.

I am trying to point out there is other ways other than going against every fiber of your being.

When people get married they tend to lose their identity and start identifying as a unit. Big mistake. People also do the same thing when kids come along. I lost myself for a few years to motherhood. Now I do not let the title of wife and mother define me. They are just one of many hats I wear throughout my day. Sometimes I am Mom.. Sometimes I am Butch's wife..others I am Murf's.. Others I am just me.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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