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  #1  
Old 10-08-2013, 05:19 AM
UrbanDiplomat UrbanDiplomat is offline
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Hello all,

I joined this forum because I've entertained the idea of being in a long-term relationship with two women, and want to develop a more concrete understanding of polyamory before blindly moving forward.

I'm no stranger to this lifestyle. However, early on, I had a pretty bad experience. It was no one's fault but my own though. I didn't understand the importance of setting ground rules, didn't explore the culture enough, moved entirely too fast, and quickly realized my consequences. Today, I'm in a different space. I know what I'm comfortable with, have a clearer picture of what I want, and can stay true to myself as I interact with others.

A positive experience I had with two women is fueling my desire for a long-term relationship in that setting. My ex and I would meet with a friend of mine from time to time. I'd known them both for a few years, and they were pretty comfortable with each other. It was casual, but I loved the opportunity to express affection for more than one person at a time. It broke up the monotony of a 1-on-1 relationship. But, I'm not naive; I realize that 3 different, intimately connected personalities will be no walk in the park.

I'm open to (respectful) thoughts and opinions on all this. Hopefully I'll hear from someone that's had more experience in similar relationships. Thanks
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  #2  
Old 10-08-2013, 10:36 AM
london london is offline
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You want two separate relationships, right? If so, why would they need to be in any way compatible?
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  #3  
Old 10-08-2013, 03:11 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Are you interested in a closed type of Poly or an open type?
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Old 10-08-2013, 04:34 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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You want two separate relationships, right? If so, why would they need to be in any way compatible?
Personally, I would never try to be with two people totally incompatible. I've done that before, and the headaches involved in trying to keep both people apart...and satisfied...eventually lead me to break up with one of them. I felt like I was living two separate lives...and I wasn't able to handle it. Especially as busy as I was with work...and a social life that didn't always involve one or both of them. It was just too much for me.

I don't need them to both be in love with each other, but I do need them to at least get along.
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Old 10-08-2013, 06:43 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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So you and an ex are having friendly three-ways with a mutual acquaintance? This is the association you are considering moving to a "next level"?

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Originally Posted by UrbanDiplomat View Post
I realize that 3 different, intimately connected personalities will be no walk in the park.
What you are describing here is a triad. There is at least one built in problem with approaching a relationship with the end goal being a triad. There tends to be an assumption of "equal love" which is profoundly unlikely. The individual relationships (A-B, B-C, A-C) will be unique and I suggest going into a triad realizing that reality. No two relationships are alike and while a triad would *seem* to be one relationship, it is in fact three distinct couples.

Either way, don't force a triad. If a triad wants to happen and you are ok with that then let it... but going in with this as the main goal dramatically increases the odds that it will crash and burn.
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Old 10-08-2013, 07:31 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
So you and an ex are having friendly three-ways with a mutual acquaintance? This is the association you are considering moving to a "next level"?



What you are describing here is a triad. There is at least one built in problem with approaching a relationship with the end goal being a triad. There tends to be an assumption of "equal love" which is profoundly unlikely. The individual relationships (A-B, B-C, A-C) will be unique and I suggest going into a triad realizing that reality. No two relationships are alike and while a triad would *seem* to be one relationship, it is in fact three distinct couples.

Either way, don't force a triad. If a triad wants to happen and you are ok with that then let it... but going in with this as the main goal dramatically increases the odds that it will crash and burn.
Triads so often fall through.... Which is why you should feel incredibly lucky when they DO work for you!
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Old 10-08-2013, 09:21 PM
london london is offline
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Incompatible does not mean "arsehole". Just because I could never be friends or more with a metamour, it doesn't mean that I have to make our partner's life miserable trying to balance the needs of his partner(s). I just have to acknowledge that my metamour's feelings are valid and important and consider that he has obligations to meet their needs as well as mine and compromise accordingly. Whilst there may be times when my needs clash with theirs, I have to accept that my partner will prioritise those needs as he sees fit and if I feel that the way he prioritises those needs results in my needs often going unmet, than that is my job to terminate a romantic relationship that is no longer benefiting me.

We do, however, have to be compatible with him; this means that we have to make sure his existing obligations allow the resources that we require to get what we need out of the relationship we have with him. This might mean that you have an opposing (but ultimately complimentary) schedule to your metamour which offers him the opportunity to spend adequate time with both of us. That isn't about your compatibility with your metamour, in my book, it is still being compatible with your partner.
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Old 10-09-2013, 12:45 AM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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I like what Marcus says about triads. Being in the land of one (just had dinner with our kids intermingling, while the adults worked out date nights and reactions to past dates and all), it's just an incredibly rich, complicated realm. I'm not sure I would have picked this, had it not happened. But it's happening, and it's more than three couples, really. There's A-B, B-C, and C-A, plus there's also the actual triad of A-B-C (where we recognize that we're subtly different when we're all three together, in terms of talking styles, sex, and so much else), and then there's also A, B, and C as solo individuals outside of each of the couples, and interacting with and reacting to the couple. That makes for a lot of relationships. In a "typical" couple there's just A and B and their interaction as a couple separate from their interaction as individuals. Triads are complicated.

And they're awesome, when they work! Holy shit, is this fun. BUT, I can't imagine having expected it. What's happening isn't what I expected even two weeks ago. We're on a big web, and when one person moves, the other two move, and all the relationship interactions subtly change. There's no way to predict it or plan for it. The only trick we've got going is plenty of communication and a deep space of trust.

What you've described sounds like affection and intimacy, growing into something more. That sounds wonderful, and can happen. For us, it happens best when the individual (A, B, or C) is spending plenty of time supporting the couple they're not in. If we all trust that we're all doing that, THEN it works out. A complicated bit of game theory, really, and some triad version of the prisoner's dilemma, but for good and not for bad.
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Old 10-09-2013, 02:00 AM
UrbanDiplomat UrbanDiplomat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
So you and an ex are having friendly three-ways with a mutual acquaintance? This is the association you are considering moving to a "next level"?



What you are describing here is a triad. There is at least one built in problem with approaching a relationship with the end goal being a triad. There tends to be an assumption of "equal love" which is profoundly unlikely. The individual relationships (A-B, B-C, A-C) will be unique and I suggest going into a triad realizing that reality. No two relationships are alike and while a triad would *seem* to be one relationship, it is in fact three distinct couples.

Either way, don't force a triad. If a triad wants to happen and you are ok with that then let it... but going in with this as the main goal dramatically increases the odds that it will crash and burn.
Thank you all! This is exactly what I'm looking for. The previous association I spoke of isn't what I'm trying to move forward; I'm currently single and starting anew. From what I've read, it sounds like I want a Closed Triad. The fact that it'd actually be three couples is something I hadn't considered. That's a really good point. I do want everyone to be compatible as it makes things a lot easier generally speaking.

I can see how going into it with the goal of creating a triad could be bad, as it could make my partner feel that she didn't command a sufficient amount of my attention. But, how would I move forward honestly in that case? I mean, I wouldn't wanna just "spring" it on someone I was involved with after we got to know each other. I imagine I could seek out a polyamorous person to be in a relationship with, and then hope for another to come into my life. But then, since I want a closed polyamorous relationship, wouldn't that create a conflict of interests? I couldn't imagine saying "I only want you to be with me, while I remain open for an addition."

Or maybe it'd be a situation where we both had deep feelings for each other, and both anticipated a new addition...in which case I'd be "forcing" it by making that the goal in the beginning? Good lord this is confusing now that I'm getting to the nuts and bolts of it all.
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  #10  
Old 10-09-2013, 06:20 AM
london london is offline
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Be honest with what you want from the outset, I'd start by saying I want a polyamorous relationship.

Date people. Let your partner(s) date people.

One of the people you date might like both of you and you have a triad. Why close it though?

If not, you both have lots of fun, loving relationships anyway. Triad wasn't as necessary as first imagined.
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