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  #651  
Old 10-08-2013, 05:33 AM
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You're right, it is kind of hot in here ...
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  #652  
Old 10-11-2013, 12:29 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
You're right, it is kind of hot in here ...
Haha. I shocked myself with that post. I am usually so reserved and demure. My, my, my!
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  #653  
Old 10-11-2013, 12:34 AM
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Heheh, well, that aside, I guess I should say it's pretty cool to know that Matt wants *all* of you.
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Old 10-11-2013, 01:27 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I am happy that he wants all of me. He has me feeling like I am the only woman alive for him. Very delightful feeling. I most certainly have a reason to blush and smile from ear to ear.

This morning has been pretty good. Nothing major to report. Everything is pretty normal and mellow around here these days.

Today's agenda:

breakfast with the little ones ✓
something fun with duckie #2 (thinking about taking him to the park)
lunch date with DH during mini me's nap time
frozen yoghurt and cupcakes with duckie #1 for our mummy-n-me date
counselling
family dinner
unofficial date night (gala dinner)

Duckie #2 is clinging to DH like I am not here. He is a funny acting little something. The joys of parenting.

Happy Friday!
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  #655  
Old 10-11-2013, 02:04 AM
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Sounds like you have a busy but enjoyable day lined up. Well, it would be considered busy in my world! My agenda is, like, catch up on Polyamory.com, eat dinner, watch TV, and go to bed. Maybe not quite that simple, but close.

Have fun and may the Force be with you during counseling.
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  #656  
Old 10-11-2013, 09:49 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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A different tone. Anniversary reaction.

I could not sleep last night, and DH stayed up and held me while I cried on and off for over two hours. I cried so much and so hard that I have a headache now. He did not have to say a word because I knew he could feel what I was feeling. I guess he has been waiting for this day and probably dreading it. I hate this time of year. My great-grandmother's 96th birthday would have been 31st October, and 26th November marks five years since her passing. Usually, I have just worked through it and kept myself distracted. This year is different.

Lately, I have been missing her more than usual. I walked in to my closet, and I saw her obituary and the programme from her funeral. It just made it real all over again. I can still remember the last time I saw her. It was 1st November, and our family hosted a party for her 91st birthday. The last thing I said to her was, "I love you." I had no idea those would be the last words I would say to her.

I will never forget the night I found out. Matt answered the call, and he walked in with tears in his eyes. He did not have to say it because something did not feel right. He told me she had a heart attack, and they tried to save her but the efforts were in vain. She was already gone when she got to the hospital. I was in disbelief and in denial. I had just seen her three weeks before. I could not believe it. On the day of the funeral, we drove to the place where she was born because the church she attended was close to her home. I was fine most of the drive, but when we passed the fork in the road to go to her home, it hit me that I would never need to travel down that road again. I broke down, and the pain hit like a ton of bricks. I started replaying the last time I had saw her. I remembered her smile and every detail about her. I just wanted to see her again. I would have given anything for that moment.

My mum had just given birth to my baby brother eight days before my great-grandmother's death, and I was pregnant with my daughter. I remember feeling my baby kicking during the funeral and realising that she would never meet her. Just like my little brother would never have the chance to meet her. I have never felt pain like that before. When they opened the casket, I could not breathe. Matt did not want me to look at her for fear that I would put distress on our baby, but I had to. I needed to touch her for the last time. She was laying there with a smile on her face, and she looked so peaceful. That face is emblazoned in my memory. I was in too much pain to cry. After the burial, we all went to her house. Everything was still in the same spot like she was just gone on a trip. I have not been inside of that house since 3 December 2008. Some of my happiest memories are inside, and I cannot bring myself to go inside again.

I have been dreaming about her recently, but the dream is always incomplete when I wake up. I never get to hug her, and that was always the last thing I did before I would leave her house. The dreams I have had are so vivid that I can smell certain scents and recall details of the rooms in her house. I can hear her saying my name.I want them to stop because they hurt and leave me feeling empty.

I was so angry with God for taking her away from me that I walked away from the church and all religion until February of this year. I wanted to know what kind of entity would inflict this kind of pain. I questioned why? She had survived so many things that year alone and in her life, and a heart attack was the thing that took her away? She had survived every natural disaster known to man, a leg amputation in the late 90s, open heart surgery, a fire that almost claimed her life months before her death, losing her husband, two children, five brothers, two sisters, and her parents. Why was the only question I had. You do not survive all of that to succumb to a heart attack. Subconsciously, I was angry with her for not fighting hard enough for her life and taking the easy way out. I know. I know. Irrational, but judging by the state of grief I am in, that reaction is normal.

I have put off grieving over her for years. Now, that I have finally started, my heart is so sad. Tears just kept falling last night. I have never cried that much in my life. Every time I thought I was all cried out, they started again. I will be fine in time. This too shall pass. It is supposed to get easier. If only I had went through this years ago.

I am trying to squeeze a trip in to the UK because I want to go visit her final resting place. I have not been able to bring myself to visit. I never dreamed I would talk to stone instead of her. Imagine how crazy that is going to look. Sitting there talking to a stone. Five years, and it feels like it just happened yesterday. Despite it being the one thing that will probably hurt the most, this is something I have to do. Alone.
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  #657  
Old 10-11-2013, 11:35 PM
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As an atheist, I have a visceral grudge against death. I don't like its irreversability, and I resent that it robs us of the best people ever.

I don't buy such platitudes as, "Well, she lived a good long life, and was loved by everyone." There's no such thing as a good time to die. I lost a very special uncle a few years ago, and sat next to my older brother during the funeral. My brother isn't exactly known as a sentimental person, but he broke down and sobbed and sobbed during the funeral. My family has never been very tactile, but I held my brother then, as best I could. That uncle's warm and wonderful spirit is gone, just gone.

I don't believe in killing anybody. It's just too extreme. Find another way, to fix the person, to get justice, or whatever. Don't suck the last breath out of someone.

Which makes me a big fat hypocrite, because I can't seem to convince myself to become a strict vegetarian. I poignantly remember every pet I've ever lost. All I want now is to bring them back.

I lost my wife this year. Of course she was kind of gone already, with how advanced her Alzheimer's had become. But I'm selfish. I miss her face. I also rue the thankless attitude I subjected her to when she was first getting so lost and confused. Shame on me, and I'll never get a chance to revisit the past and repair it.

She now shares a plot (having been cremated) with a wonderful aunt of hers in the sleepy far-off town where she was born. She'll get a headstone with an emblem of two cats embracing, which is so her given how she had a cat by her side for most of her life. But the headstone isn't done yet, and I feel some lack of closure as a result.

It will be a long time before I get back to that out-of-the-way town to see her completed grave, and it will almost certainly be my last visit. Personally, I couldn't bring myself to speak to the stone, though I know that's a time-honored tradition for almost everyone. I'm sure I'll just stand there, mixed with relief knowing she's no longer suffering, and aching with the emptiness her keen, gentle words and acts once filled.

And in all of this, I'll know that I, too, have an appointment with the Reaper.

So, will this be your first visit to your great-grandmother's gravesite since she passed away? Perhaps something about having moved so far away from that place is prompting you to go back. I am sorry the pain has scaled to such epic levels, and even sorrier we can't bring your great-grandmother back. I'm sure she would come back if she could.
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  #658  
Old 10-17-2013, 12:36 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Well, I am back in the UK. I have struggled with posting this because it is just too damn hard. This is not how I pictured my return. We returned for two very sad reasons. My great aunt died Monday, and the same night, I found out that my uncle (by marriage) was not doing well. His liver shut down in late July/early August. They knew if they placed him on the list, he would not live to get it. Lo and behold, after two months on hospice, and he is barely hanging on. In not so many words, I was pretty much advised that I needed to get on a flight asap. I am numb right now. I am in our old home, and I have isolated myself for the time being. We are going to my parents home in a couple of hours. I need to keep myself busy and distracted (posting here). Initially, I thought I could handle all of this alone, but I needed my husband and family with me.

This is the first time I have been home since all the drama with Si ended, and I have found that I am getting increasingly irritated with my [paternal] family asking about her. They are trying to stir something up. They know her family, and the younger generation runs in the same social circles as some of relatives. My relatives live and breathe drama. Most of them are poisonous. I choose to limit contact with them to a mere handful. They have never met my children and never will. I am close to the aunt, her husband, and daughter who are weathering this storm. The rest of them? They can kiss my derrière. I am supporting them for my aunt, uncle, and daddy, because that is his sister and brother-in-law. My mum's family understands not to bring her up. This side? Dear heaven. I think I made it pretty clear. "She is not part of our family. Refrain from asking about her. Since you all like to talk, spread the word that I am living monogamously, too." Matt decided it was time to go after that. I am glad he did.

I might as well post about the other thing. My best friend is in love with me, and often wished/wishes that we could get back together. She is aware of the state of our marriage and how it is. She knows about the agreement, too, so it is not like she expects me to act on what she said. I am the last one to know about her feelings. Matt picked up on it months ago. We broke up in 1999 after four years together. She was the hinge of a V. The other leg was her boyfriend-turned-husband. It did not end on bad terms. She was attending university in the States, and I was attending elsewhere. The distance was far too much, so we just transitioned back to being best friends. She is my children's godmother. We talk every day. She has been a huge part of my support system in all that has been going on within my marriage.

Her poly life works well for her. She and her hubby have been together since 1993 and married 15 of those years. They have been open and closed at various points. They have one child together, who is 14. They are in a triad, and the 10 year anniversary mark of it is approaching. The triad formed naturally. Bestie met her girlfriend in 2001. The husband/girlfriend were friends for two years, and romance slowly came in to the picture. The husband/girlfriend have an 8 year old together. It was a planned pregnancy. Both of their children call them mum, but they know who gave birth to them. The girlfriend has one other relationship, and it is with her boyfriend's sister. Bestie is an unofficial triad with the same woman. They are tertiary/kind of FWB, date at random, and do not place their dyad as being of high importance. It was mutually decided on by both of them, and they prefer not to label it. I know they love one another, but that dynamic works for them. All the families know about the ins and outs. I guess the most shocking element was the brother, sister, and DIL are dating the same woman. That was probably what surprised them the most. They are supportive. Their children are delights to be around. The only gripe the 14 year old has is that with three parents, she cannot get away with much because one of them is always close. Other than that, she is fine with it.

I know my best friend would never do anything to jeopardise my marriage, and she knows I am happy. We have had a full disclosure policy since we were 7 or 8. I remember pinky swearing and promising to always be honest with one another. I guess the time was never right for her to tell me. The dust has settled, and she needed to get it off her chest. I have no idea how to process it. DH brought it up on the second leg of our journey here, and his opinions were not what I was expecting. She is arriving tomorrow night to attend the funeral with us on Saturday. Maybe we will get to talk face-to-face before we go our separate ways again. I cannot entertain the idea of a relationship with her because I committed to what we have now. I can hear her out, though.

What a week it has been. This too shall pass.
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  #659  
Old 10-17-2013, 02:30 PM
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So, am I reading this right, a second death, and a third death on the way? You certainly have been getting hit by the losses lately.

Did you know about your great aunt's passing before deciding to take Matt and the kids with you, or was it just relatively fortunate that you made that call? I presume you're still planning to visit your great-grandmother's gravesite?

I never knew my relatives that well, especially those of the older generations, as they all passed away before I was born or when I was very young. I barely remember my mother's mother, and my mother's father, I don't think I quite remember him at all. I just see pictures of him.

Just yesterday I received three photos from the cemetary in Halfway, Oregon, where my wife was born. Her headstone has been placed, and her grave is completed. It is a relief, a sense of closure. The engraving on the headstone looks just right, so all is well as far as laying her to rest is concerned. I guess in a way it's merely a necessary step in allowing me to start the mourning process for real, but at least I don't have to worry about it so much anymore.

Wow, what's up with your paternal family? They seem to have an addiction for traumatic excitement. You must have been adopted, as you're happier when things are peaceful. I'm glad your mum's family has let the matter of your ex drop.

That's a little sad that your best friend is just now expressing a renewed interest in you, and you're not really in a position to reciprocate. Sounds like she has quite a bit of love in her life to console her though.

Re:
Quote:
"DH brought it up on the second leg of our journey here, and his opinions were not what I was expecting."
Can you elaborate? I am curious about this.

Hope the rest of your trip is a little more pleasant.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #660  
Old 10-17-2013, 03:39 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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The death of third relative is pending. I cannot wrap my head around that. I was at a loss as to what to say to my aunt. She is waiting for the love of her life to die, and his bedroom is directly across the hall from hers, so she is just watching and waiting. She is heartbroken, and I have no idea how to comfort her. She was surprised to see me, and I stayed with her for awhile. I did not get to talk to my uncle because he was out it. He is being administered Morphine for pain management. He has lost so much weight, and he was not big to begin with. He had no weight to lose. I am not sure I can bring myself to talk to him if he wakes up. I had to correct my cousin when she said something about him in past tense like he was dead. No matter how out of it he is, he can still hear.

My family is really close, so the older generations have always been integral parts of our lives. My great-grandmother helped raise me. She was quite influential in my life, and I find that most of the things I do even after her passing are things I want her to be proud of me for. It is the same with great aunts and uncles. My great aunt and uncle were married 44 years, so there has never been a time when she was not in my life.

My great aunt was scheduled to have open heart surgery last Thursday. My grandmother sent a text stating that her children were coming in from Wales, and I was like, "Okay. Maybe she will be okay." The doctors decided not to operate. In not so many words, they were sure that if they put her under, she would not wake up again. She had 75% blockage. With all the heart issues, she went in to renal failure and was on dialysis. My great uncle called my grandmother Monday morning around 4 AM, and he said she was being transported to the closest hospital. By 5 AM, she was gone. COD is believed to be a massive heart attack. That funeral is set for Saturday afternoon.

Initially, I was going to go alone after finding out about my aunt. I had already decided to leave Wednesday for a Thursday arrival. I had talked to Nanny J and Matt to make sure they could handle them for the remainder of the school week and the weekend. He was trying not to step on my toes and give me space, but Matt knows me.

Then Monday night, I got a call from my daddy. He had received a call from his sister, who was passing along a message from their sister. My uncle was not doing well, and hospice was not sure he would make it through the night. I was like, "Are you kidding me?" I found out about my great aunt 12 hours before, and then, that?

Matt was apprehensive after the second call, and he flat out told me that he did not think I was in the position to handle all of this by myself. He invited himself on the trip. I do not mind. He keeps me calm. He took care of everything Tuesday, carried on as normal Wednesday, and made sure work was covered for Thursday, as he does not work on Friday's. Nanny J is with us and is watching them while we attend the funeral on Saturday. He picked up my daughter's school work after school on Wednesday.

I knew my uncle's situation, but I did not expect it to go down at this accelerated speed. It was during my birthday weekend that I found out about him going on hospice. His doctors and specialists were certain that he would not survive long enough for a transplant. My aunt opted against him being treated as an in-patient and wanted him to be comfortable at home. Two months later, obviously, they were right. Surviving long-term without a functioning liver is impossible.

My paternal relatives live for drama. I have kept my distance since I was 11. I am respectful because they are my daddy's relatives, but do I care to be around all of them at once? No. I like certain ones. My mum's family is very quiet and the total opposite, and I have taken after that side. Outside of their thirst for drama, they frown upon people who make something of themselves. My cousin's mother accused her of thinking she was better than the family for attending university and graduate school. Is it any wonder I feel no desire to bring my children around them?

I am trying to figure out how my daddy was raised in the same home as his brothers and sisters, but he is so different. He is quiet and very down to earth. They drink like fish. He may have a beer or a glass of whiskey a couple of times a year. They have an aversion to working. He owns a company. He has been married to the same woman for almost 40 years. The males average 2-4 wives before 40 and have children by all of them. I could swear he was adopted, but he is his father's twin.
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