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  #11  
Old 10-04-2013, 07:40 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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What is wrong with "compare and contrast?"

Because I don't see that is a problem. Here's this apple. Here's this orange. Both are fruits. One is red, the other orange. One is crunchy, the other one juicy. Each one is yummy, but you get a different experience with each.

The problem comes in with "compete." Once that enters the picture there's the anxiety fear of "I am afraid I cannot compete. I am afraid I will come up lacking, I am not enough, I am less than."

If he's going off into that zone? Could this help?

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/p.../jealousy.html
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

Galagirl
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  #12  
Old 10-05-2013, 07:34 AM
Hoyam Hoyam is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
What is wrong with "compare and contrast?"

Because I don't see that is a problem. Here's this apple. Here's this orange. Both are fruits. One is red, the other orange. One is crunchy, the other one juicy. Each one is yummy, but you get a different experience with each.

The problem comes in with "compete." Once that enters the picture there's the anxiety fear of "I am afraid I cannot compete. I am afraid I will come up lacking, I am not enough, I am less than."

If he's going off into that zone? Could this help?

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/p.../jealousy.html
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

Galagirl
Thanks for all the answers! Some i will read again, cause it contains a lot of information.

Galagirl, i like what you say and i agree. Only my orange, is becoming more and more confused cause he is no apple. And now he knows that i like both oranges and Apples he sometimes tries to become an apple. But an orange dressing up like an Apple is not yummy! Haha. So i think comparing is realy maybe not the issue, but competing is.

I see the common reaction is not to be too detailed about especially the sexual part. I agree. Not because i can't or won't but because he is not dealing with that information well. So for this moment: do what works, stop what doesn't work...
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  #13  
Old 10-05-2013, 01:16 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Yes - don't overshare sex details.

He does not NEED to hear them. He WANTS to hear them but then ends up all bent out of shape. Besides, you may not want to share them or your BF may not want to share them. The play-by-play of how a sex share went.

What he NEEDS to hear for sex health? Is to know who your other partner is, what your safer sex practices are, and what your std labs and your BF's std labs are. Then he can know how THAT relationship's sex health is affecting his OWN sex health and he can make informed decisions what he wants to expose himself to.

Maybe reassure him that you love him for HIMSELF and all he brings to the table. Then maybe list those qualities so that can ALSO reassure? As well as give him something else to focus on HE could do. He can't be your BF. But if you remind him you love him for bringing X, Y, Z to the table? Maybe that helps him refocus on doing X, Y, Z.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-05-2013 at 01:23 PM.
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  #14  
Old 10-07-2013, 08:16 PM
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sdguitarguy sdguitarguy is offline
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Default Comparing is based on our insecurities

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
What is wrong with "compare and contrast?"
In a perfectly logical world, probably nothing is wrong with compare & contract. Unfortunately, I don't think most people including myself are quite so perfectly logical. I believe that in many contexts it is simply wallowing in one's insecurities.

I struggled with comparing. I finally realized that the comparisons always focused on things I felt insecure about. That is what gave me the clue (as with jealousy) to use the feelings as a guide to things I needed to work on.

I don't think a discussion of the "why" of poly is constructive in this situation, it's not germane to the real issue of someone's insecurities.

But as with many of these answers, it's not a blanket statement to swallow everything that bugs us. Sometimes, there are underlying issues that are fair to be addressed. But it's sometimes difficult to scrape off our emotional reaction to find that issue. So, for me, I try to work through my own stuff first until I get down to something that sounds like a logical issue and bring that up for discussion.
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My GF: K2 - poly female, sub
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  #15  
Old 10-07-2013, 08:52 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Yes, comparing is sometimes based in insecurities.

And anything can be taken too far. But I meant it as a questioning tool.

Quote:
I struggled with comparing. I finally realized that the comparisons always focused on things I felt insecure about. That is what gave me the clue (as with jealousy) to use the feelings as a guide to things I needed to work on.
So you came to ask yourself "What is wrong with comparing here? What bugs me?" and you worked it through.

Her husband could also look at it and ask himself "what is wrong with compare and contrast here? Where does it bug me? How can I fix it? What do I need to solve? " in his own situation to help himself move it forward. I happen to think he could be trying to compete.

But he's not the one writing the post. She is.

She also cannot do that work for him. She can only do her behavior. She cannot do his.

She took a look at "what is wrong with compare and contrast" on her side of things and found a behavior SHE could change -- not tell sex details to her DH because it is ADDING to the problem. Now she can try that solution out and see if things improve or not. She could also try to reassure him, and ask him to work on his "insecure."

But in the end tending that side of it is up to him when he is willing/able to attend to it.

Galagirl
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  #16  
Old 10-07-2013, 09:01 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default Marcus cracks me up

Not because there's a "right" and and "exact wrong" reason why "anyone would would not be monogamous", but because relationships are one of the decisions that don't need a reason. We each get to decide for ourselves, in our own lives, and that decision is completely up to each of us as individuals.

Nobody has the right to tell you who or how you are allowed to love a consenting adult.

It is one of the few things in life that you do not need to justify in any way whatsoever. The reason can simple be because you feel like it, because it is your preference right this second and even though it may change it doesn't matter, it's completely up to each person. It's the one place in life where there is no wrongful discrimination, you can be as discriminatory as you like, it is your choice

It doesn't matter, there is no right or wrong reason, it's your choice and only yours and you don't need any excuse. You can compare and contrast if you want to too, it is up to you

so long as you are talking about knowledgeable consenting adults, there is no wrong way to prefer your relationships, you might not be able to keep very many relationships intact if you are constantly comparing people. It may not help your self esteem to compare yourself to others,

but it seriously isn't the comparing that is the problem. You are going to run into problems no matter what you tell yourself to justify something that in no way requires any justification,

it's your life, you get to choose whose love you will accept or reject and who you will offer yours to, for no other reason than you feel like it, and that's more than a good enough reason

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 10-07-2013 at 09:09 PM.
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  #17  
Old 10-07-2013, 09:51 PM
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sdguitarguy sdguitarguy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
But he's not the one writing the post. She is.
Yah. I think we are in violent agreement here. Good example of what she modified to help address the situation from her side.

Just as a side comment - C doesn't share sex details with me until/unless I ask (and everyone consents) but otherwise we keep each other in the loop in detail.
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Me: 55 straight male in a W
-Wife/Partner: C - poly female - together since 2009
--Her BF T: poly male
--Her BF A: poly male
My GF: K1 - poly female, sub
My GF: K2 - poly female, sub
Various FWBs
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