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  #11  
Old 10-01-2013, 02:38 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Thanks for elaborating!

Quote:
I think my main worry is that of accidentally leading someone on.
That's easy enough to address. You could tell them this up front.
"Hey, I want to make you aware of something before we get deep into dating here. I warm up slow. I don't want you to think I'm leading you on or like I'm not willing to explore something here. I'm just not the personality type that falls in love fast. Just making you aware, ok? I'm a slow burn type person."
Or something like that. Then they know.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-01-2013 at 06:04 AM.
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  #12  
Old 10-01-2013, 03:24 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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I certainly understand the concern about leading people on. I've closed down my accounts at dating sites, because I've gone on too many dates where I find I like the guy, enjoy the company, but feel absolutely no chemistry, and it's awkward when they want to keep going out, and I'm pretty sure I'm never going to feel the chemistry...but I know they're not looking for 'just friends.'
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  #13  
Old 10-03-2013, 05:08 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Josie View Post
I can really like someone, be really attracted to them, get on with them in almost every way, and still not have that romantic love for them - not enough for a long-term relationship anyway.
Perhaps it is a mistake to believe that love = long-term. I don't really see how a feeling automatically requires a qualifier such as length of time or some other feature that means "It's serious now!" Who needs that.

I love very easily but I don't connect love with the idea that it means the relationship should lead to a long-term commitment. I have loved people with whom my relationship was short-term, and in some cases extremely short, and had no problem with that. My heart connected, my appreciation of the person deepened, and our lives were enriched for whatever amount of time we were together. One of them I was with only one night, in 1990, and never was in contact with him again. He is still remembered with fondness and love.

Perhaps you have loved and just didn't call it that because they weren't suitable for a long-term commitment. Also, keep in mind that love and romance are two different things.
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-03-2013 at 05:11 PM.
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  #14  
Old 10-03-2013, 05:27 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Are you sure you may not be afraid of falling in love, because you're afraid of being hurt?

I dated a guy a couple years ago who was 62 and had never said "I love you" to any human. After seeing him a few months, he admitted he sometimes said it to his dog when they were alone.

Shortly after that, he told me he loved me... I was touched to be his first. But in his case, I am pretty sure he had a very bad example of what an adult relationship was, from his parents, and never really learned HOW to let himself love.

I am not really getting that vibe from you, just thought I'd throw it out there as part of the discussion.
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  #15  
Old 10-03-2013, 05:32 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Perhaps it is a mistake to believe that love = long-term. I don't really see how a feeling automatically requires a qualifier such as length of time or some other feature that means "It's serious now!" Who needs that.

...

Perhaps you have loved and just didn't call it that because they weren't suitable for a long-term commitment. Also, keep in mind that love and romance are two different things.
This is one of my very favorite things about polyamory. Once you take away the mindset that the only people worth pursuing are those with whom you have a chance at happily-ever-after, you get to enjoy each relationship for where it's at and not worry about where it's going.

I love Fly, Moonlight, and Punk. I love them all in a romantic sense. But the way that love has grown, and what it means for each relationship is very, very different. Fly is probably my most traditional love - the one I've built a home with, the one I'm raising a child with. Moonlight is my darling love that I want in my life for a very long time, but that I need to keep a level of separateness with, not someone I want to completely intermingle my life with. And Punk is a beloved sexy friend who I lose touch with occasionally, but who overwhelms me with kindness, generosity, and understanding when we come back together.

There are others who made appearances in my life for a very brief period, and they all gave me the gift of themselves for however long they stuck around. Some weren't in a place to offer long-term, some weren't people who would fit in my life for longer than they did, but I'm so happy I had the opportunity to love them for as long as I could.

I love the idea that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, and that they're all important and valuable and to be cherished, no matter how long or short the relationship might be.
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- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
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