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  #541  
Old 09-29-2013, 04:03 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Originally Posted by Eponine View Post
I think the info about salary is mostly useful to people who want to find a marriage partner. For poly people who are already married or people don't intend to marry at all, it's not really important.
Please don't make blanket assumptions about what polyamory means or doesn't mean. It's very possible for someone married and poly to be interested in committing for life to another relationship which means just as much to them as if that person was legally married. In such a case, the person may be legitimately interested in the person's financial state.
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  #542  
Old 09-29-2013, 04:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Eponine View Post
I never put my salary there. I think the info about salary is mostly useful to people who want to find a marriage partner. For poly people who are already married or people don't intend to marry at all, it's not really important.
If my level of income is even a factor, that means we are going under two sets of very different assumptions. I'm not looking for a ward or a mommy
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  #543  
Old 09-29-2013, 04:46 AM
Eponine Eponine is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Please don't make blanket assumptions about what polyamory means or doesn't mean. It's very possible for someone married and poly to be interested in committing for life to another relationship which means just as much to them as if that person was legally married. In such a case, the person may be legitimately interested in the person's financial state.
OK I was just generally speaking. There are people who look for (monogamous) marriage but don't care about income, so there can be poly people who care about income as well. But from the OP's posts, it doesn't look like she's looking for another life partnership with shared finances. Also, I think poly people can usually be more flexible on such things than mono people, because they don't have to rely on one person to be their everything. So for example, if you meet someone you like but don't find their financial state satisfying, you can still continue the relationship with them without merging finances. Of course, it's another story if a life partnership including merged finances is your goal in every relationship (and there's nothing wrong with that; it's just not how most poly people do relationships from my observation).
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  #544  
Old 09-30-2013, 01:03 AM
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MsChristy MsChristy is offline
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Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
1) How long do you message someone online before it should move into telephone/skyping/meeting depending on which you prefer?
There is no right answer. I know some people like to get comfortable first prior to meeting, while other friends of mine have chosen to meet someone new as soon as possible so as to see if there is a connection, and if not break things off sooner than later. I met my husband on-line and we e-mailed back and forth for a week before doing phone calls, and then another week before meeting in person.
Quote:
2) If you are not particularly physically attracted to someone's pictures, but not repulsed, is it worth it to meet in person? She would be driving for a few hours to meet with me, so I'd hate to have her come and then I'm blasé about her. I have no intention of getting with anyone unless I'm feeling Passion with a capital "P."
Do you like everything else you are seeing except the pic? If so, then I would say it is worth meeting. Many people have terrible pics, that may be outdated.
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3) My profile explains I'm married, husband knows I date outside the marriage, but he will not be involved. The woman I'm talking to has a long-distance boyfriend who allows her to date women. By about our fourth message, I decided to give her the gritty details of my level of experience in bisexuality/non-monogamy, and my current arrangement with my husband. I wanted to make sure the situation was acceptable to her so there'd be no misaligned expectations. I asked for details about her level of experience with women and open relationships. Now I'm wondering if I should have waited to discuss all that until AFTER we were fairly certain there was an attraction. I'm worried that saying so much so soon projected a level of intention I don't necessarily feel (like I'm definitely wanting to have relations with this woman.) Thoughts?
It depends. I don't know if I would pour my heart out to someone like that prior to meeting them, but I also understand when dating in nontraditional circumstances it is good to make sure everyone is on the same page as far as being open with partners, etc. I don't have much experience with this as I haven't done much on-line dating while in an existing relationship, however my husband has done some on-line dating and does like to make sure everyone is on the same page and then you can always discuss more relationship stuff once you meet.
Quote:

4) I don't want to lie on my profiles. But I feel embarrassed putting my own income, which isn't much, so I put my household income instead, which relies on my husband's salary. Without him, I'd be near poverty level. I love the work I do, but it's not a big money maker and comes with zero benefits. So...my salary or my household salary? Remember, these women are dating me only. Husband will have no involvement (his choice.)
I never mention income. It isn't important, and IMO that is personal. It sounds like you are using OK Cupid, which I believe does have a section where you can put what industry you work in, so you could fill that out if you do want people to see that you have a job.
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  #545  
Old 09-30-2013, 09:47 PM
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Re (from LoveBunny):
Quote:
"How long do you message someone online before it should move into telephone/skyping/meeting depending on which you prefer?"
That may be an unsolveable riddle, or at least one that has no "one-size-fits-all" answer. I suppose you gauge yourself emotionally and ask yourself if you trust this person you've been messaging. If you do, then it seems appropriate to take things to the next level.

Re:
Quote:
"If you are not particularly physically attracted to someone's pictures, but not repulsed, is it worth it to meet in person? She would be driving for a few hours to meet with me, so I'd hate to have her come and then I'm blasé about her. I have no intention of getting with anyone unless I'm feeling Passion with a capital 'P.'"
It seems to me that you're kind of answering your own query here. It's important to you to actually be attracted to someone, not just "not repulsed." Which to me seems reasonable, after all romance is not just about emotional connection. We all have platonic friends who we just connect to emotionally, and really I doubt any of them repulse us. Love, appreciation, and familiarity have a way of enhancing the way someone looks in our eyes. But the point is, if you aren't feeling the Passion with a capital "P," then it's at least too soon to pursue a romance.

Re:
Quote:
"My profile explains I'm married, husband knows I date outside the marriage, but he will not be involved. The woman I'm talking to has a long-distance boyfriend who allows her to date women. By about our fourth message, I decided to give her the gritty details of my level of experience in bisexuality/non-monogamy, and my current arrangement with my husband. I wanted to make sure the situation was acceptable to her so there'd be no misaligned expectations. I asked for details about her level of experience with women and open relationships. Now I'm wondering if I should have waited to discuss all that until AFTER we were fairly certain there was an attraction. I'm worried that saying so much so soon projected a level of intention I don't necessarily feel (like I'm definitely wanting to have relations with this woman.) Thoughts?"
Oh, I'd consider that a little mistake at worst, and we all make little mistakes in our interactions with other people. We're also of course our own worst enemies, and we keep ourselves up at night worrying about the things (we think) we've done wrong. Let's just say I don't think any "major damage" will result from your "minor faux pas." Heck, platonic friends can ask each other questions about their romantic experiences; doesn't mean they're going to get romantically involved.

Re:
Quote:
"I don't want to lie on my profiles. But I feel embarrassed putting my own income, which isn't much, so I put my household income instead, which relies on my husband's salary. Without him, I'd be near poverty level. I love the work I do, but it's not a big money maker and comes with zero benefits. So ... my salary or my household salary? Remember, these women are dating me only. Husband will have no involvement (his choice.)"
If you're talking about OKCupid, it should be easy enough to state it in your profile just like you've stated it here. "My personal income isn't much, but my household income is pretty good, but keep in mind my husband has no intentions to be involved in my new relationships." Doesn't have to be worded exactly like that but you get the idea.

By the way there's nothing wrong with stating/describing salary in your profile (in my view) if you feel inclined to do so. I know on OKCupid there's a lot of leeway for how much or how little you publish about yourself, and I think the idea is that you can use your own good judgment.
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  #546  
Old 10-01-2013, 11:05 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
1) How long do you message someone online before it should move into telephone/skyping/meeting depending on which you prefer?
It really depends on the person. If we have a connection and I trust them, messaging outside of the website (emails or skype) could happen the same day.
Meeting in person will also depend on the type of meeting. Meeting one-on-one with nobody else? That would take a while. But if we have interests in common, I could invite them after about a week or so to an activity they'd enjoy that I'm already doing with a bunch of friends (not in anyone's home, in a public place, such as playing games at a game store) and get to know them that way. If THAT goes well, I might plan to see them alone that same week or the next one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
2) If you are not particularly physically attracted to someone's pictures, but not repulsed, is it worth it to meet in person? She would be driving for a few hours to meet with me, so I'd hate to have her come and then I'm blasé about her. I have no intention of getting with anyone unless I'm feeling Passion with a capital "P."
Did you tell her that? The last part at least. Considering she's apparently the one doing the driving, it's important not to send her on a wild goose chase. Make sure she knows that this first meeting is as friends only and is likely never to progress further, and then if she's still up for driving to meet you, that's her call.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
3) My profile explains I'm married, husband knows I date outside the marriage, but he will not be involved. The woman I'm talking to has a long-distance boyfriend who allows her to date women. By about our fourth message, I decided to give her the gritty details of my level of experience in bisexuality/non-monogamy, and my current arrangement with my husband. I wanted to make sure the situation was acceptable to her so there'd be no misaligned expectations. I asked for details about her level of experience with women and open relationships. Now I'm wondering if I should have waited to discuss all that until AFTER we were fairly certain there was an attraction. I'm worried that saying so much so soon projected a level of intention I don't necessarily feel (like I'm definitely wanting to have relations with this woman.) Thoughts?
The better the sooner. Don't hide things from her. You are not promising anything by making sure you guys could be compatible, and waiting later to check for basic compatibility would not be very helpful, as you would have invested a lot into something that could end in a minute of you realising you're not on the same page... which would hurt a lot if you have developed attraction or feelings towards one another.
Make sure to tell HER that you're not promising anything. There is no point in telling US. She's the one who deserves to know that. But provided you make it clear, you're definitely doing the right thing making sure you guys are compatible as early as possible.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
4) I don't want to lie on my profiles. But I feel embarrassed putting my own income, which isn't much, so I put my household income instead, which relies on my husband's salary. Without him, I'd be near poverty level. I love the work I do, but it's not a big money maker and comes with zero benefits. So...my salary or my household salary? Remember, these women are dating me only. Husband will have no involvement (his choice.)
I always put "prefers not to answer" to questions like that. I feel that shouldn't come into account in dating someone. You could do the same thing, or you could add a note on your profile saying this is your household income so that nobody can feel you lied about it when they find out.
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  #547  
Old 10-03-2013, 05:31 PM
sillyskydragon sillyskydragon is offline
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Originally Posted by Endicott View Post
With a regular date, you can't come home to your spouse and compare notes, or get tips and techniques. With a poly date, I have a coach! LOL
Yep one of the best parts of being in a poly relationship/s is that you have support nomatter what the relationship dynamics are.
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  #548  
Old 07-02-2014, 04:21 PM
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veradico veradico is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
1) How long do you message someone online before it should move into telephone/skyping/meeting depending on which you prefer?
In my experience (YMMV), I do not like to invest a lot of time into messaging before meeting in person. First, talking about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness in person is one of the fun things about getting to know someone. Second, I have, on more than one occasion, had GREAT, protracted on-line exchanges and built someone up in my mind only to find there is NO SPARK. Such a waste of time. Now, I meet as soon as the other person is willing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
2) If you are not particularly physically attracted to someone's pictures, but not repulsed, is it worth it to meet in person?
Tough call. That's up to you. Some people take bad pictures. At the same time, I always assume everyone posts their BEST pictures in their dating profiles, so if you don't like them, chances are they might not be much better in person. Then again, looks are a pretty superficial way of judging someone, no? (Though I will admit I am guilty of it, too.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
3) I'm wondering if I should have waited to discuss all that until AFTER we were fairly certain there was an attraction. I'm worried that saying so much so soon projected a level of intention I don't necessarily feel (like I'm definitely wanting to have relations with this woman.) Thoughts?
Yeah, I think I would hold off on those conversations.

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Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
4) So...my salary or my household salary?
Feel free to leave it blank. If it's important, the person can ask you at a later time.
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  #549  
Old 10-10-2014, 06:17 PM
Dickdomin Dickdomin is offline
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Default No reply rude?

Back in the day when collarme was still alive, I found myself a but irked when I took the time to read a long profile and post a long letter to an active member and got no reply.

I'd noticed tons of bitchy profiles of don't do this and that and finally decided to make a fake Sub-fem profile and holy Christ hundreds of one line Hi
Hundreds of letters which clearly didn't read a word

The made a fem domme profile and even more replies. 98% dreck. A fem domme would need at least two personal assistants to just wade through the slop, same with the fem sub. It was an eye opener.

Now I do not take it personally, but then I don't put up profiles much anymore.

My favorite site would have to be plenty of fish, but they hate age differences and most of my lovers tend to be quite a bit younger than I am. They want someone older and also want a family. I loved raising my daughters and would love to do some more raising kids, so... Not a great fit for me.

Given that I have been poly most of my life, back I think before we labeled it as such, I am comfortable, but not with poly dating like the married couple who each goes off and dates. Sounds too much like swinging to me.

I think women need multiple partners, but sex while the new is good the ones that really click get better with time. Ah too complex to write about right now, but maybe a tribe who are somewhat all together.

Can I drift off topic, or what? Lol
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  #550  
Old 10-10-2014, 07:03 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Come back to the topic ... Don't walk toward the light ... LOL
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