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Old 10-02-2013, 01:10 PM
bykrmark bykrmark is offline
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Exclamation How Do You come out to your friend

First if they are truly your friend, they will be there even if they do not agree with your idealism. I have found We (My 2 wives and I) have lost quite a few "friends" because we can out and announced my marriage to my 2nd wife. So be it, If they can't handle my our love for each other, I will not live for my friends. I have one judge and He is in Heaven. I'm very open about my life, Our true friends/family are there for us, applauding us on. So to answer your question, with a question; Is it a true friendship if you are hiding part of yourself to your friend? Remember I love you no matter what
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Old 11-04-2013, 02:11 AM
Hathor Hathor is offline
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I'm also very intrigued by this topic. All my close friends know and most are pretty accepting of it, the main thing was being able to clarify and answer questions they had. Be ready to explain your definition of "open" or "poly" and be ready for lots of "advice" about if its a good idea or not. Once they understand the why they are more comfortable with it. I have told a few acquaintances from my job, but never someone above me, like a boss or something. Many family members know and accept it, even if they think its odd.

The person I could never come out to would be my mom, she would never understand. Thankfully, the likelihood of her finding out is extremely small so I'm not worried about it. However, I do worry about J's mom finding out and I'm wondering when we will have to face that situation.

In general, I feel pretty okay with telling people....friends, acquaintances, my family members (excluding mom). I'm more nervous about J's family members, I'll let him decide when its a good idea to reveal it.

The main coming out problem I'm having right now though is a situation where even though its my reality I don't feel comfortable because it could put someone else in an awkward position. I'll explain. I have a friend who I want a relationship with, we've talked about it, he knows I'm poly, but he decided he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. I respect his choice and when we hang out I try to stay in the friendzone and avoid being flirty or touchy, I have rules I set in place to keep me from disrespecting his decision. He, however, does not. He is very physical with me and his roommates definitely notice. Anytime he is more physical with me than he "should be" his roommates give us looks like "um whats going on here??". I don't feel comfortable telling his roommates about the situation because I'm revealing my friends part in it. But at the same time, they probably think he is hitting on a married woman and are confused by it, and even though I don't usually initiate the intimacy I definitely don't discourage it so they also probably think I'm being unfaithful to J.

Last edited by Hathor; 11-04-2013 at 02:47 AM.
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Old 11-14-2013, 12:03 AM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Norway
Posts: 606

I am slowly starting to tell my polyamorous friends (about my new relationship). My plan is to sonn start telling some of my other friends. I am not sure who I would like to know in the end. I am sure family will be the hardest to tell. Work I guess it is a need to know basis. I plan to have children, with my husband and possbly also my boyfriend - that would definetly be the thing that will potentionally make us the most open. Right now I will let the relationship develop and use the time (and the visits) to come to get to know my boyfriend more. I feel so right about this relationship and don't want to hide him. Still it is easy to keep it hidden when your bf lives in another country. If/when we live together, it is another matter.
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Old 04-23-2014, 01:18 PM
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phantazmagoria phantazmagoria is offline
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Location: North Carolina
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Default coming out advice

Does anyone have any advice on coming out to family, parents, friends, coworkers, etc?

it bothers me to no end that I have this beautiful and successful triad relationship, and feel like I can't tell my mom or dad. And my girlfriend feels the same.

Any advice about coming out? How to say it? How to deal with repercussions?

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Old 04-23-2014, 01:53 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Location: Massachusetts
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I understand how you feel. I want to tell everyone I know about my relationship with Guy, but there are people in my life who would just flat out not understand. (In some cases, those are people who are in open relationships or are "swingers", but they can't accept someone being polyamorous... judgment is a fascinating thing.)

To answer your question, based on my admittedly limited experience, I would say it depends. If you're planning to tell people in your life that you're polyamorous, be prepared to defend that. If you're going to tell people that you have more than one committed relationship, be prepared to explain how that is not the same as cheating.

Think about the people you intend to come out to. How can you best explain it to those individuals so they'll understand and accept it? Are your parents, for example, closed-minded, open-minded, or of the "if it makes you happy that's great, even if I don't get it" mentality?

Others with more experience in this will probably weigh in with better advice, but my advice would be that you should tailor your "coming out" discussions to the people you're coming out to. You know them well enough to know which words and explanations will work best, and to know which of them might respond poorly or positively. I'd say keep the focus on your specific situation, though. "I'm with X and Y, and it's a relationship that makes me very happy. We're all in agreement about it, and I wanted to share with you because I'm so happy about it," for example.

I would also say don't worry about repercussions unless/until there are some.
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Old 04-24-2014, 08:56 PM
Squashking Squashking is offline
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 61

I know exactly how you feel.

This has been a tough challenge for us as well. We have recently told the kids because we felt that being honest with our children is first and foremost. In addition we wanted them to enjoy the feeling of a larger extended family. Some of the kids are very cool with everything and some are still getting used to it. But close friends, family, etc... not yet.

We seem to be a lot less careful these days and we don't seem to be bothered by it. It's just a matter of time IMO.

Good luck... If telling doesn't hurt anything (ie. career, important relationships, etc...) than I say go for it.

Me: 40ish Male in PolyFi MFMF Quad

Last edited by Squashking; 04-24-2014 at 08:56 PM. Reason: grammer
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Old 04-24-2014, 11:47 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Location: Pennsylvania
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I just live my life..

Those who have chosen to be judgmental have no place in my life.
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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Old 04-24-2014, 11:52 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I love what KC said about tailoring what/how you say things to the people you're speaking to. Making it as relate-able and understandable as possible is going to increase the chance of acceptance with as little upheaval as possible.

Hubby and I explained to our parents that we felt like we didn't experience much life before getting together (we began dating as teenagers), and that so many people who get married young like us end up splitting up. We don't want to feel like we're holding each other back or limiting one another so we prefer to be open. We both know we can love more than one person, so we specifically identify as polyamorous.

My parents think I'm living a life of adultery, but they are okay with it as long as I'm happy. Hubby's mom is more than happy to talk to him about Lady and seems genuinely happy that we are living our lives as we want to be.

With friends, coworkers, etc. it tends to just come up in conversation and we give a spiel about not believing in limiting relationships. No negative repercussions yet.
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Old 04-25-2014, 12:48 AM
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phantazmagoria phantazmagoria is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 46

I appreciate the input. It gets tougher and tougher to remain in the closet with our families.

I met my girlfriend's dad the other day, and she had to introduce me as a friend. I understood completely, but the situation sucked.

Perhaps I am expecting the worst, and maybe our families wouldn't have a bad reaction.

My husband and I did start out young, so that's an interesting thought to maybe explain .... I took his virginity at 20 years old, I was 21. Soooooo young!!

I just don't know how to say, "Mom, we have a girlfriend."
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Old 04-25-2014, 01:05 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Heh ... that's actually not a bad way to put it. Though you might want to suggest to your mom that she sit down first.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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