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  #71  
Old 09-30-2013, 10:51 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Just want to say that you guys have come a long way in what is really a short amount of time. Marriages on the brink of divorce take YEARS to repair and re-build, not months. For a while, things move along great, then one little set back will hit you like a ton of bricks. Something that could have been a little thing, in reality is NOT little because it triggers all the old hurts. I don't see this as necessarily a bad thing, because it forces recognition of a problem before it becomes a big thing again and allows for immediate change. Unfortunately, the roller coaster of emotions along the way really SUCKS!

I would love to tell my husband, "let's do this", but we are not at the point where I can trust him not to repeat past behaviors when things get difficult or that I wouldn't use it as an excuse to escape my marriage. Even after 3 years of work, we still struggle to not slip back on old habits and I sometimes wonder why we even bother.

Keep at it and enjoy the little ones while you can.
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  #72  
Old 10-01-2013, 02:45 AM
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We try to recover from the blows faster. We deal with issues head on and not let them fester. I'm cool with how far we've come. A few minor set backs. Nothing major. I didn't expect perfection in this amount of time. We're going to keep at it. Only way to get better, eh?

Being a dad is ace. Flexing my schedule to make sure I have more time with them was a smart move. They're both in school, so the evenings belong to them. I've been watching the kid since the 21st. We've been having fun and doing things the Mrs. would never go for. Footy, Slimefest, late nights, camping, junk food, takeaway, and he's been sleeping in our bed. Gotta enjoy the kiddos while they're young.
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  #73  
Old 10-01-2013, 04:06 AM
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I noticed something to the effect that as much as you enjoy seeing Ryl on a much more regular basis nowadays, you also wonder whether you'll be able to re-adapt to monogamous life after all those years of coping with polyamory. Seeing her home everyday? Alien. Forgotten. Perhaps uncomfortable, or you are thinking this unfamiliar feeling must be discomfort. After all, you taught yourself to be more alone and more independent and got used to it. Is this a type of damage that can be undone?

Intuitively, I find that the joy with which you speak of seeing her and being with her nowadays is a hopeful sign. Like SNeacail was getting at, some of the dysfunctional walls may take years to take down. If I may break protocol and paraphrase Ryl, she spoke of tackling those walls one brick at a time if that's what it took. But walls aren't invincible; like the trickle of water that erodes and breaks the stone, they can come down. What you can't do is change your natures if you're a monogamy-only type and a polyamory-only type respectively. Whether that's what your up against remains to be seen. As the old walls slowly diminish, your view of the long-term will broaden.

One important thing that's come of all this is that Ryl's seen first-hand that your misgivings of years past were not off-key. I at least think you can hope for her to listen to you more and take your concerns more seriously in the future.

I guess I can see how it could all end in divorce, but were I a betting man I think I'd put my money on you two growing old together. I think you both have the desire and determination that a lifelong marriage takes.
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  #74  
Old 10-01-2013, 05:31 AM
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It's funny how I was more comfortable with her being on the other side of the world than seeing her here every day. Now? I'm missing her something serious. I can't wait to see her. I saw something I knew she'd love and bought the entire collection because it reminded me of her. Before she went to bed, she called to tell me she misses me and loves me. I can get used to that. What can I say? She's back in my heart. I've tried to stop it.

Adapting to monogamy after years of polyamory? Not the easiest feat. Relinquishing the need to always be independent and learning that there's more to marriage than being alone are things I'm working on now. It's going to take time to adapt to the way it is now.

My best mate thinks I'm lucky. Yeah, he doesn't realise how high maintenance she is. Dealing with that 24/7? I'm going to have to learn how to live with it full-time. I've dealt with it in pieces. Never full on. Man, I've got my work cut out for me.

I can see myself getting older with her. Spoilt nature and hard work included. She'll always be my rare masterpiece that's timeless and beautiful. Despite her shortcomings, I'm thankful for her and can't imagine another Mrs. taking her place.
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  #75  
Old 10-01-2013, 05:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt View Post
My best mate thinks I'm lucky. Yeah, he doesn't realise how high maintenance she is. Dealing with that 24/7? I'm going to have to learn how to live with it full-time. I've dealt with it in pieces. Never full on. Man, I've got my work cut out for me.
Don't forget the maintenance to yourself. It's OK if you need a break once or twice a week. I've found that having a scheduled "break", night out, etc. gives you something to look forward too and therefore able to handle things better when it gets stressful. Trust me I've done the "I want you home more", only to turn around and say "GET OUT of my hair, your driving me crazy", just a month later . Some place there is a balance, you just have to work at finding it, including how to address new activities and changes in the routine.
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  #76  
Old 10-01-2013, 06:31 PM
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Let's just say you can be lucky and still have your work cut out for you at the same time.

Glad to hear you two have some positive energy going back and forth nowadays. Better to have loved and lost, absence makes the heart grow fonder, and all that.

Best ju-ju coming your way from me for your continued happiness.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #77  
Old 04-12-2014, 04:20 AM
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Morning, morning, morning.

Change seems to be the name of the game. We've had a year free of polyamory, and man, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy about it. It's nice to have my lady at home and not have to be on the schedule to get some of her time. I can't vibe with doing it the old way again. Shorty knows I'm backing out of the marriage if it comes down to it. I'll never stop her from doing her or being happy. If polyamory makes her happy, she can have that, but I won't be around. I don't see myself ever being ace with being part of a polyamorous marriage again. There was one situation where I might have been OK, but she doesn't want a relationship with the person. She had my support, but she thought it was a test of her loyalty and agreement. I'm unapologetic about being vocal about what I can and can't vibe with. I gave it my best and all from early 2000 until 2013. I put up with a lot in the pursuit of her happiness. I lost myself. Never again. I had years to think and lots of time alone to realise I wasn't cut out for this. Change was a long time coming. I told the shrink early on, "You don't know the hell that I've been through." I wouldn't willingly do it again. I made mistakes. Her ex-girlfriend made mistakes. The lady made mistakes. It's what it is. Not going to let the past take over the future.

I was cool with one potential situation. My lady's friend is in love with her. She was completely blind to it and didn't pick up on it. Yeah, I told her, and she still didn't believe it. It was only a few months into our repair efforts when that bomb was dropped. I told her I could be tolerant of that because I liked the woman and there was mutual respect. It helped that she wouldn't be part of our daily lives because she lives stateside. My lady was suspicious, questioned my motives, and even thought I was up to no good. She swore I was trying to test her loyalties and commitment to our marriage. It wasn't like that. It doesn't matter anyway. She doesn't want a relationship with her. Do I tune her out when she brings her up or wants to discuss her feelings? Nah, none of that. I don't have a problem listening. She doesn't pose the threat to our marriage or family in the way that her ex-girlfriend did.

No need to state the obvious but my lady wasn't on her P's and Q's when it came to being being a mother and wife. The best change of all is that she actually has time for our kids. Kids don't ask to be born, and no kid fits into a neatly tailored schedule. Being a parent is a 24-hour job. I'm a daddy when I'm away from them. I'm a daddy when they're sleeping. I'll be a daddy forever. The same goes for her. The most aggravating part of dealing with Ryl was watching her put her ex-girlfriend before our kids. That wasn't cool, and the shrink tried to make excuses. I wasn't trying to hear that.

I've watched my lady grow into being a mum. She finally knows our kids and not in passing. I was thrown off when she said she was envious of the bonds I had created with the kids. She was afforded the same opportunities. She made choices that blocked that. She worked hard to change that and took an interest in their lives. Everyone's happier because of that.

How has it been having Ryl around all the time? Ace. It's changed for the better. She's present mentally and emotionally. She's different. She's grown up and stepped up her A-game. She's confident, sexy, and mature. She's affectionate and not avoiding intimacy. She opens up to me. She takes an interest in my thoughts and feelings. She checks in just to see if I'm OK. Who knew that being heard and being treated like an equal in this marriage would make that much of a difference? We get on well. We don't argue. She has loosened up and has developed a silly side. It's nothing for her to show up to my office and take me to lunch. She's spontaneous and game for whatever. We went bungee jumping and swinging in New Zealand. 134 m and she did it like a champ. We balanced the weekend out by going wine tasting. Team effort is more efficient than working against each other. She was a control freak. She has learned how to let go. She lets me help out and realises she doesn't have to do everything on her own. She can maintain her independence and accept help from time to time. We respect one another. I don't know about her, but I'm in this for the long haul.

Do I think we are compatible with this style of relationship? It's still a learning curve. 11 1/2 years of the old and only a year of the new. It's going to take some more time to get fully adjusted. For awhile, I didn't know how to react to her being around, available, or even present. I had put her in a box labelled "unavailable." It's going to take some time to undo old behaviours and comfortable patterns.

What still applies? This:

Quote:
It's not that things aren't going well. I mean, they are. Really well. Its been cool to feel something other than anger towards her. I'm happy. I enjoy being around her and having her around. It never gets old walking in and seeing her in the kitchen or hearing her voice. A few weeks ago, we went to a charity event in Sydney, and she was looking at me from across the room. With the tilt of her head, a smile that lit up the room, and that look, I knew what she was thinking. I miss her as opposed to intentionally distancing myself from her. I enjoy seeing her smile and laugh as opposed to crying and stressing to the point of losing weight. I enjoy having her around. I love her sense of humour and that smile that had me from the first time I met her. I love the way her perfume lingers even after she has long left a room. I love when she borrows my clothes. I love that sparkle in her eye when she talks about the causes she's passionate about. It's all those things. Its been nice knowing that she's working just as hard as I have been and that I'm not in this marriage alone. I remember why I love her and what made me fall in love. I'd hate to give this up. Look at that. I do have feelings outside of anger and joy.
I love the little things about her. I respect and admire the woman she has grown in to. I accept her for who she is and what she is about. Acceptance doesn't mean I have to go against my own limitations to appease her. We've found a balance that works. She's happy. I'm happy. The marriage is healthy. We jointly decided against continuing with the shrink. Going it on our own. We got this. You know what? I wouldn't change anything about our marriage. It ain't perfect, but it's ours.

Some things don't change. I still don't want to be around her ex-girlfriend like talking about. Small doses only. My lady's been talking to her. As long as faux mummy doesn't try to get close to my kids, we won't have any issues. I need her to stay in her lane.

Will we ever be cool again? Too soon to say. I heard it through the grapevine that she issued a formal apology. I'd like to hear that for myself. We're on holiday right now, but after the holiday and holidays, I'll see about talking to the snowflake. I'm trying to keep an open mind. I didn't believe my lady could change, but I've witnessed it. She truly seemed apologetic and determined to right the wrongs. I lack the faith and the ability to believe the royal snowflake can do that. Prove me wrong. My lady's effort alone earned my respect. Trust came back over time. If I can rebuild with my lady, being cool with the royal snowflake might happen in this lifetime.

There's a lot going on in our lives and with our growing family. We started something big last year, and it's coming around full circle. I can't explain it, but I had no doubts. My lady and I were on the same page when it came to this. We came to the same conclusion separately but put our heads together to get it done. When she first brought it up, I saw that sparkle in her eye and heard the passion in her voice. She spoke with such conviction and determination. It was a side of her that captivated me and commanded my attention and respect. I don't want to say too much, but our decision was a wise one. She's brought much joy to our lives.

With that, I'm dipping out again. See you when I see you. Same time in six months? Perhaps.
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  #78  
Old 04-15-2014, 12:47 AM
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Sounds good -- and it's great to hear that things are continuing to get better.
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