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  #21  
Old 10-01-2013, 02:04 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I should just be a bitch and end it
You are not being a bitch.

You are at limit. Everyone has personal limitations.

If he's offering you a change to your shared marriage that you are just not willing to participate in? You say "No, thank you. I am not willing to do that."

That is not being a bitch. That is clearly stating your position.

He could process his disappointment like an adult. You both could calmly discuss appropriate next steps.

But if he's badgering you and haranguing you to do something against your will? Guilt you into it, pressure you into it, etc? Then he is behaving like an immature jerk.

That's not you being a bitch!

And YES. You could choose to terminate this relationship because he does not meet your needs.

What's so great about him that you wanted to be with him putting 19 years of your own wants/needs on the back burner?

Again, I am very sorry you are going through this and are angry/resentful.

But NO, you do not have to polyship against your will. Anyone telling you that you are somehow "less than" for not wanting to do things against your will is a jerk!

If you are thinking of terminating, I suggest a time out to get a cooler head. Making major Life decisions hot head is not a good way to go. Maybe you want to talk to a lawyer about how to split effectively?

But if you have money in joint? Could think about removing 1/2 to your own name only ASAP so you have guaranteed funds to live on in the "transition" time of a break up. Some jerks decide to play the "lock you out" game to "punish" you for not doing what they want. They try to close you out of your finances and then you find you are screwed because then you don't have access to your money to hire a lawyer to chase them around in court with! Sad but true.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-01-2013 at 02:17 AM.
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  #22  
Old 10-01-2013, 02:10 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Originally Posted by tamlvscarl View Post
Oh ok I am playing the martyr .... I should just be a bitch and end it
No it is called taking care of yourself.
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #23  
Old 10-01-2013, 02:14 AM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Listening to what's been said and really just have one point:

When exactly did he tell you he was poly? More specifically, before or after kids? Because kids are a whole other issue. And, yes, it's much harder to leave someone after that...you have more than yourself to consider.

If he told you AFTER you had kids, well, that's wonderful he came to his self-realization, but if you can't handle it and need monogamy, I'd say it's his job to suck it up and do what he needs to keep you in the relationship. You shouldn't have children, if you're still a child, and if he wasn't done growing up before he had a kid, it's his problem now.

On the other hand, if you came into the relationship knowing it was poly, hoping he'd change, thinking, maybe that having kids would make him want to just be with you.....then I'd say you knew what you were getting into and need to find a way to be happy, without making him unhappy.

I never quite understand people in relationships where one person's happiness is dependent on the other person sacrificing theirs...but sometimes the situation just happens
After 19 years together and first saying no it just sex...ok I bend... no its this or that I bend... then finally saying I want 2 of you ... two primaries, two lives split down the middle. Still I bend til she walks away and now its him looking for that other person while I fight and struggle with jealousy, insecurity, comparing...
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  #24  
Old 10-01-2013, 02:24 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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All the more reason to stop bending! If doesn't meet your needs for support, nurture and relating in a polyship? Don't agree to do things you don't want to be doing.

All this stuff that your husband TOLD you about what polyship would bring you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by tamlvscarl
Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart
Standard answer 1) happier spouse 2 ) you might get some spillover sex ...from a natural kick start to his libido ....or to make things seemed balanced. 3) because of the issues and topics and the need to discuss said ....there might be a feeling of greater closeness. As a consequence better communication skills.
Is there a like button?! Cuz yes that is what I am told is what I get from this type of relationship!
It is not the relationship shape that brings you this. It is his behavior that brings you this.

That is the stuff of RELATING. It can be had in a monoship shape or in a polyship shape. It sounds like he failed to deliver these types of behaviors in a monoship. It sounds like he promised to deliver them in a polyship and you went along... maybe hoping it would be true. Or from fear of losing him. Or whatever reason you had.

And he failed to deliver it AGAIN in a polyship too. Conclusion?
  • He is not meeting your needs in a polyship.
  • He was not meeting your needs in a monoship.

You too were not meeting your wants and needs either.

What jollies do you get out of continuing to participate in a polyship OR a monoship with this person in this way?

Could start to say "NO" to things you don't want to be doing.

Could start to say "YES" to meeting your OWN needs here. If he cannot meet your needs for companionship/partnership? Could lose him, heal, and then open yourself up for seeking the quality of partner you prefer to have and enjoy who DOES meet your wants and needs in relationship.

I know that cannot happen in a second... it takes time to achieve. It takes time to process disappointment and hurt. Your name seems to be "Tam Loves Carl" so.... maybe you still love him.

But you could DECIDE any ol' time you want that you want something different than what you have been participating in.

You could decide to love him APART and OUT of the line of fire.

You could decide to allow your love for him to belong in the past, and spend your present making changes so you can move on to something different for your future.

You don't have to keep on getting dinged. You could decide you don't like it and take steps to change this.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-01-2013 at 03:49 AM.
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  #25  
Old 10-01-2013, 02:58 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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I don't think you're playing the martyr at all. We all reach a point where we've tried to deal with things, we're being pushed too far, we're being told by the person in question that we're being unreasonable (or whatever), and we need someone to talk to about it.

Coming here to talk does not mean you're playing the martyr.

It's a fair question what is anyone getting out of sitting home taking care of the kids while their spouse is the one out having fun all the time (and it sounds like this is a very one-sided thing--do you ever get to go out while he stays with the kids?)

Regardless of what anyone else is getting out of it, it sounds like it is not acceptable to you. It sounds like he keeps pushing for more, and it sounds like he doesn't really respect what he's doing to you.

You are well within your rights, if you didn't agree to this going into marriage, to draw a line and say no.
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  #26  
Old 10-01-2013, 03:07 AM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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(Whoops - I answered before reading the rest of the thread. I'll leave my comments here, though they've already been partly answered...)

As for the question you ask... my wife asked the same question, and gave the same answer that's been given above: she had someone who saw her for who she really was and was constantly and happily choosing to be with her. My poly life was "confined" to a small part of our life together, and it wasn't always easy. She felt, for years, that I was having a marriage AND someone else on the side, so *I* was never lonely while *she* was... and the list goes on.

We talked about it a lot. Things got slowly better.

What did she get when I had a pretty serious crush? Heartache. And I stepped back and didn't go further, because I wanted to know what was going on for her (and for me). Her response? "But *I* wanna be your..." and so she decided to be that, and suddenly we were both happier.

And then I fell in love. And I did nothing about it, other than talk to her (you can feel and you can talk, but acting on it is a different thing - I wasn't going to act). Then she met the woman, and ... they... well, it's not so much sparks, but a bond grew, a strong one, and she changed. She arranged for my first night with AM. It was after they'd had an evening or two in each other's arms. We're moving ever so slowly toward comfort with our triad, and it's lovely.

What made the change? Trust. I had never left her. Also, I trusted her not to abuse my emotions. Honesty. I told her what I was feeling without acting on it, she told me what was hard about it. Respect. A feeling that I was willing to hold back until I understood what was really bothering her. A feeling that she was willing to explore what was bothering her until she could name it. And the confidence to keep going, because we're just so damn curious about each other.

It sounds like you don't trust him and you're angry. It sounds like you feel like you're constantly being pushed past your limits, and your limits aren't being understood. That sounds really rough. Maybe knowing what you're angry about would clarify things for those of us listening to you, so that we might give you better advice?

Last edited by pulliman; 10-01-2013 at 03:14 AM.
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  #27  
Old 10-01-2013, 03:08 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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The OP is very much playing the martyr in, her situation..

* They have the need to be a victim and complain always and relentlessly.
* They take little initiative in trying to fixing any complaint.
* If any problem is solved, but in a different way than what*they proposed, the problem still exists, as far as they are concerned.
* If any problem is solved according to their solution, they will find another problem to complain about.
* If any problem is solved, it is because they complained about*it.
* They complain about problems that do not concern them in the*least.
* They do not appreciate any good things being*done.
* They lie and twist facts to prove their*point.
* They selectively forget, ignore or avoid any facts that may conflict with their*point.
* They resort to name-calling when everything else*fails.

I am not saying that the OP is guilty of all of these. But I could see them being applied IF we knew the whole story.

Right now we are only getting HERS. There is also his aside
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #28  
Old 10-01-2013, 03:10 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
The OP is very much playing the martyr in, her situation..
I disagree. I guess we're both entitled to our view of things.
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  #29  
Old 10-01-2013, 03:15 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by pulliman View Post
Her response? "But *I* wanna be your..." and so she decided to be that, and suddenly we were both happier.
She wanted to be your what? Your crush? Or something else? And how did she decide to 'be' something she hadn't previously been? What changed?
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  #30  
Old 10-01-2013, 03:31 AM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
She wanted to be your what? Your crush? Or something else? And how did she decide to 'be' something she hadn't previously been? What changed?
Well, in this case, it was about sex, and we kind of laughed that my wife would say "but *I* wanna be your fuck buddy!" So, what the hell, we tried acting like silly teenagers, and it worked. We had fun.

She didn't really decide to 'be' something she hadn't previously been. She'd listened to me for many years, the mono listening to the poly, and had absorbed some of the ideas and gained an understanding of it. She'd say it wasn't for her, but she at least understood it in me. And then, with AM, she woke up one morning, asking "is THIS what he feels?!" and promptly freaked out that she'd somehow "turned" poly. She hasn't. Nor is she bi. She's in love with a woman, but not "wired" to be bi or poly, and no, I don't want to argue about those words with anyone right now. Give us a year and they might use different terminology. Right now, we're still adjusting to something very very new in our lives.

I don't want to write too much more without hijacking the thread, though. The reason I bring it up is that it required a lot of trust, honesty and openness, and respect. And lots of patience. The story takes more than a decade. It sounds like the OP has not had enough trust, honesty, openness, and respect to feel safe. And that's rough.
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