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  #1  
Old 10-01-2013, 12:22 AM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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Ok so if you are mono and your partner is poly what exactly are you gtg out of them being in a relationship with new people? While they are experiencing new firsts and all the excitement of being with someone new what are you gtg out of it really? I have no problem with alone time or keeping myself busy or appreciating time without my husband around but while he is mtg someone new with the same interests as him, sharing new experiences, making new memories what am I am gtg out of it?? I am just curious what others feel they are gtg out of being in a relationship with a poly person who is mtg new people, having new firsts while you are home taking care of the kids or out shopping or doing whatever to not think or overthink what they are doing? Many times I have come to conclusion or answer to that question being that person should be single. If you want to date, meet new people, have multiple relationships maybe you are trying to live as a single person while still keeping hold of that person you don't want to let go of. But is that fair??
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Old 10-01-2013, 12:28 AM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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And why do I or any mono people have to work thru our jealousies or dig deeper to find out what the issue is like why am I jealous? It is normal to feel that way...yes you can love multiple children, yes you can love your friends and family. It is not the same thing as the person you share your life with to go and share all those things with someone other than you. It is NOT the same thing. I hate the comparison of kids or family or friends.
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Old 10-01-2013, 12:44 AM
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I imagine what they get out of it is being with someone they love. Either they arent jealous or they are willing to work through that in order to be with the person they are with. Being with someone who is poly isnt a deal breaker.

Sometimes the person you are with dont know they are poly and then when they decide they want to practice polyamory the mono person has to decide if it's worth staying with them if the poly person doesnt want to continue being mono. it's kind of a hard spot to be in. someone will be the loser in these situations. either the poly person has to be someone they arent to satisfy the mono partner of the mono partner has to share the partner they thought was going to be only with them.

I think the root of jealousy is often fear. fear they will love another more, fear they will leave you. also there is an element of loneliness if you want to be with your partner all the time and they are out there with others, leaving you alone. also it kind of sucks when your partner is out there doing fun stuff with someone else, stuff that you might want to do. It's kind of on the person having these feelings to deal with them. it's not on me to fix N if he's feeling jealous, it's on him to work through those feeling and vice versa. why would I as a poly person have to fix my jealous mono partner?
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Old 10-01-2013, 12:53 AM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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And why should I as a mono person have to work thru all that so my poly partner can be happy? Why should I have to suffer, dig deeper, be unhappy so he can be happy?
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Old 10-01-2013, 01:04 AM
stillskies stillskies is offline
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Because if you don't bother to look at why you're jealous, even in a monogamous relationship, you run the risk of ruining your relationship because you have no idea why certain things make you feel the way you do. You're stuck in a static position that doesn't change because you don't care to deal with your issues.

Poly or not, exploring your reactions to certain things makes you a better person and better able to articulate your problems rather than just saying "I'm jealous but I don't know why and I shouldn't have to know why!"

If you're having such a hard time with your husband going out and meeting people, why did you agree to have a poly relationship with him? If it's not something that you're able to do or deal with, wouldn't it be better to discuss it with him?

Also, I think that the comparison to family and friends and children is an apt one because it shows something very clearly: there are different kinds of love. Why can't there be different kinds of romantic love, as well? Is it that romantic love is a threat, whereas familial and friendly love is not? Friendly love can turn into romantic love.
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Old 10-01-2013, 01:05 AM
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I don't like the kid comparisons, either - at least, the typical kid comparison. I can't compare romantic love to the love I have for my children, and the comparison just leaves me feeling sort of "ew".

That said, though, I had to reframe the question into "what do I get out of a relationship with my partner"... and THAT list is a pretty long one.

What do I get out of a poly relationship? Not much. I'm not poly. I get less time with my partner. Whoopee... (*)

However - what do I get out of a relationship with my partner? Someone who loves me for ME, someone with whom I work well (cooking, projects around the house, you name it), someone with whom there is no shortage of conversation, or learning about each other... my relationship with my partner is wonderful, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

That's my reason why.


(* - So, yes, I was a bit flippant here. I *used* to have to reframe the question, but one thing I know that I *have* gained from being in a poly relationship is the self-introspection. It is VERY easy to bury and ignore the difficult things in a monogamous relationship. Not so much in a poly one. I have dug deep into myself, found out more than I ever expected to, and come out stronger in the end. It's definitely a benefit, but certainly not an easy one.)

Now... that said, I came into this knowing my partner was poly - I did not open an existing relationship, and I did not have to feel as though something was taken away from me (time, etc.). I still had a lot of work ahead of me, though, but I found the relationship worth it. Why work through it? Because you find it worth it. If it's not worth it, then why indeed?

Edited to add:
My partner has also gone through a lot of work on his side - learning about how *I* love (after not understanding it and thinking I could just "be poly"), understanding patience, and understanding how to communicate and work through our issues as well. It's not one-sided, and if it is on your side, I can understand your being upset.

I hear your questions, but what's your situation? Maybe with more info, we can offer some better feedback.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops (previously 'P'): My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena (previously M1): Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa (previously AG): Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread:
A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")

Last edited by YouAreHere; 10-01-2013 at 01:08 AM. Reason: The work hasn't been one-sided, and I wanted to reflect that.
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Old 10-01-2013, 01:08 AM
stillskies stillskies is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamlvscarl View Post
And why should I as a mono person have to work thru all that so my poly partner can be happy? Why should I have to suffer, dig deeper, be unhappy so he can be happy?
Honestly? This sounds like you'd rather yourself be happy and your partner unhappy. You're right: if you don't want to bother working through your issues and whatnot, then you shouldn't have to. End your current relationship, or give your husband an ultimatum.

Or you can try to figure out what is making you so unhappy and the underlying factors of it and talk to your husband about them. Is there something that he can be doing that could help you better deal with it? Have you talked to him about your feelings of jealousy?
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Old 10-01-2013, 01:11 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamlvscarl View Post
And why should I as a mono person have to work thru all that so my poly partner can be happy? Why should I have to suffer, dig deeper, be unhappy so he can be happy?
You dont. you always have the option of moving on.
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Old 10-01-2013, 01:26 AM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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Ok little background... I have 19 years and 2 children in this relationship. I have put my wants, needs, feelings, you name it on a backburner for this person. He has had his cake and eaten it too numerous times and really throughout our ENTIRE relationship.
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Old 10-01-2013, 01:27 AM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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Originally Posted by stillskies View Post
Honestly? This sounds like you'd rather yourself be happy and your partner unhappy. You're right: if you don't want to bother working through your issues and whatnot, then you shouldn't have to. End your current relationship, or give your husband an ultimatum.

Or you can try to figure out what is making you so unhappy and the underlying factors of it and talk to your husband about them. Is there something that he can be doing that could help you better deal with it? Have you talked to him about your feelings of jealousy?
Ummmm really no! My happiness above his NO never in 19 years. Its just gtg to the point of enough is a enough and maybe we are not right for each other.
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