Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 09-29-2013, 10:56 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,288
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
"So your wife doesn't really want to be dating your girlfriend? That's what it sounds like to me. Why does she need to date your girlfriend? If she doesn't have feelings for her, why push it? Can your wife go out and find her own partner if she chooses?"
Those are perfectly fair questions and conclusions based on the original post, which prompted a deeper description from the OP. Thanks to these questions and the format in which they were presented we have now discovered more about the OP and her situation.

So thank you BSP83, don't change a thing
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 09-30-2013, 03:35 AM
stillskies stillskies is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 16
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Quite a few people criticizing the OP for the idea that she and her wife are "making" this other woman date both of them.
Oh, I don't feel that way at all. From re-reading my original post, I could definitely see where people could get that impression, but that's just because I didn't articulate myself as well as I ought have.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
What she was saying (correct me if I'm wrong) is that the idea of a triad is not fundamental to what is happening, and if that particular configuration isn't working then they can all allow it to flow naturally (most likely into a v, which is basically where it is now).
Yup. That's pretty much what I was saying. I'm looking at it from the perspective of three separate relationships, but since they all interconnect, it looks like a triad. But there isn't anything or anyone saying that it has to be a triad; if it goes that way, then great. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. It's going to go where it needs to go, not where any particular person wants it to go.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
  • She's WILLING but questioning her ABILITY to execute.
  • She still wants to be in it to see if she is indeed ABLE or not. Despite any discomfort along the way she might experience. She's prepared to risk that, but needs help in figuring HOW to manage those things?
Yes to both. She isn't sure if she'll be able to have a relationship outside of me, but she's willing and wanting to see if she can before coming to a conclusion. She's trying to deal with her discomfort in the ways she knows how, which seem to either work or not work, depending on how far from her comfort zone she is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Have you lifted that up to her? Reminded her? Maybe this just needs TIME to become the "new normal" and she can see that nothing horrible happened?
I have, and yes, it is a matter of waiting for her to see that nothing is going to change how she and I are. I think it's also a matter of her seeing that not every relationship that ends up being a poly-relationship is going to end with everyone hating each other and no one talking.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Is it the polymath thing?
I've never heard of polymath. I'll take a look at it. And the way of breaking up questions is a good idea, as well. I'll have to try putting it in those kinds of terms. It might be easier to understand if we break things out into chunks rather than try to discuss everything at once and not being entirely clear on what is being asked.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
If what she needs is more reassuring from the GF? YOU reassuring til you are blue in the face is not giving her what she needs from the correct person she needs it FROM. Make sense?
Yup, makes perfect sense. And I know that R tries to reassure her, as well, so she is getting it from both sides. But I don't know if R is reassuring her as often as M needs it? Definitely something to bring up with them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
She is WHAT to the other woman? A GF? A Metamour? BOTH? What is the role and the expectations of THAT? Has that been clarified between them? You could encourage them to talk on THAT polymath tier and tell you what they conclude.
To R, M is a metamour and something else. They haven't put a label to define their relationship yet as they're both still feeling each other out. I'm not even entirely sure that I like using labels, but girlfriend seems to work and it's the label that I'm comfortable with. I tend to use it as a blanket statement between the three of us, and neither of them disagree with its use; M just doesn't feel like that's something she wants to do yet. (Defining it, just in case I'm unclear.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
  • What does WIFE say makes it hard for her?

    (Thoughts racing in her head. What sorts of thoughts? Poly hell thoughts? If those thoughts come up later, how will your polyship handle it?
  • What does GF say makes it hard for her?
What makes it hard for M is her lack of self-esteem regarding relationships. And her thoughts tend to be a myriad of "can I do this?" and "what if I screw this up with both of them?" I'll have to read about polyhell, because I'm not entirely sure what that is.

R's difficulties have to do with her having a hard time trusting people and letting them get close to her because of a lot of really messed up stuff in her past. She's coping with the urge to pull away and distance herself most of the time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I know for Maca-he knows from a day or two in if he's interested in a romance. I on the otherhand require months. I may feel chemistry-but that doesn't mean I can go full out.
M is similar to you. It can take her a while to figure out if she's interested in a romance with someone even if there is some chemistry there. She also may take a while to recognize that there is chemistry. It really just depends on the situation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
It might help to alter the form of what you are saying to her (that it's ok if she isn't ok with it) to you pREFERING she take the time to really know where she's at and that it's not just "ok" but that it will actually be BEST for you (and everyone) if she just allows herself to naturally mosey along until she knows what she wants...
That's a good idea. I feel like lately I've become a broken record in how I offer and give reassurance, so maybe it is a matter of needing to change it up. Both R and myself are very supportive of her taking as much time as she needs to figure things out.

Thanks everyone! ♥
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 09-30-2013, 07:50 PM
BSP83 BSP83 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 20
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by stillskies View Post
Sorry for the lack of clarity on this: we're all women.
So sorry for the confusion.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Quite a few people criticizing the OP for the idea that she and her wife are "making" this other woman date both of them. It doesn't sound like that to me; it sounds like the OP and the girlfriend are dating....and the OP's wife is not excluded from this, and can spend time/cuddle/hold hands if they like.
I was not criticizing at all...just asking questions for clarification. I wasn't saying anyone was "making" anyone do anything.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Those are perfectly fair questions and conclusions based on the original post, which prompted a deeper description from the OP. Thanks to these questions and the format in which they were presented we have now discovered more about the OP and her situation.

So thank you BSP83, don't change a thing
Thanks Marcus

I wish you all the best StillSkies. I hope that you are all able to find a configuration that works for all of you and things go well.
__________________
B-That's me! About to turn 30, mom to 3 brats, married to P for 11 years and dating S.

P-my husband

S-my/our girlfriend
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 09-30-2013, 11:38 PM
stillskies stillskies is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 16
Default

Thanks, BSP! I hope it works out, as well. Everyone here has definitely given me a lot to think about and some really good questions that I need to bring up with M and R. ♥
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:05 PM.