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Old 09-29-2013, 03:23 PM
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Murasaki Murasaki is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 72
Default Do new relationship affect old ones? or do old one affect new ones?-Couple Privilege

I was originally going to include a couple threads as context, but changed my mind. It is not my intention for anyone to feel as though I’m calling them out, or anything negative like that. Simply put I have seen this topic come up in various threads, and I have seen several different opinions set out by posters. What I would like to do here is get more posters to weigh in on these concepts/ideas. I’m interested in learning what people who associate with poly, and poly culture think and feel on this somewhat touchy subject. I’m hoping to get more opinions grouped together in one place for consideration by those who enjoy reading these forums.

This is meant to be a discussion, not an argument for whose idea, opinion, or belief is better. So please let us readers know your thoughts on this. Thanks

So which one is it?
Does a new relationship affect your current relationship? or is it the other way around, and the current relationship affects the new one?

Does a relationship have inherent privileges, rights, responsibilities, and expectations? Or do those grow as the relationship grows? Does starting a new relationship reduce, or remove the privileges, rights, responsibilities, and expectations of the longer term relationship(s)? Does the newest relationship have the “right” to say hey I want this, and telling me “not now” is couple privilege? Or is it acceptable for the longer-term relationship to stick to their expectations of each other, and allow their relationship to organically grow to include the newest relationship at a rate that works for the longer-term “couple”? Or does the newer relationship get to dictate the speed at which the longer-term dyad must change to accommodate it?

Basically all the above questions as the same thing. When in a relationship, and starting a new relationship which one is more affected? Which one should be more considerate of the other? Are there reasons why one relationship might have different rules, and responsibilities than another?

What rules, privileges, responsibilities, and expectations do you have in your various relationships and did those relationship start with those roles? or did they grow to include them, or did you have a relationship that had to adjust itself to accommodate changes to the roles it had?

Anyone have any resources for more info on couple privilege? I have read a little bit on this forum about it, but would like more education on the subject. (Yes I have done a google search, but that is not the same as receive an educational resource recommended by someone within this community)

On Privilege (more general than Couple privilege and maybe less volatile in this forum).

Privilege is not: About you. Privilege is not your fault. Privilege is not anything you've done, or thought, or said. It may have allowed you to do, or think, or say things, but it's not those things, and it's not because of those things. Privilege is not about taking advantage, or cheating, although privilege may make this easier. Privilege is not negated. I can't balance my white privilege against my female disadvantage and come out neutral. Privilege is not something you can be exempt from by having had a difficult life. Privilege is not inherently bad. It really isn't.

Privilege is: About how society accommodates you. It's about advantages you have that you think are normal. It's about you being normal, and others being the deviation from normal. It's about fate dealing from the bottom of the deck on your behalf.

Almost everyone who is reading this had some form of privilege. If you are a member of three marginalized groups, in ill health, and poor, you're still able to access and use the internet, both demonstrating and conferring privilege.

Some privileges are easy to demonstrate: Can you go into a random restaurant and order food? That's not something that those with food allergies, diabetics, celiacs, or a range of other conditions can count on. It's not something people whose religious convictions include following Kosher, Halal or other faith-based dietary restrictions (there are Christians, Buddhists and others to whom this applies) can count on in western society either.

Some privileges are harder to demonstrate: If you get a job, to what extent was that based on the way you look, your gender, your accent, your connections? How can you tell?
In closing I think everyone involved should be considerate, and thoughtful towards each other person. I feel that every relationship will affect every other relationship to some degree. Of course the more “solo” poly style is less likely (from description I have seen) to have major overlap affect the relationships, I still see some effects (such as time constraints changing as relationship come and go). Each poly style will likely have varying degrees of overlap, and difference in how much one relationship is likely to affect another. This discussion isn’t meant to be about your poly style, it’s meant to be about how your relationship affect each other. (speaking in terms where one dyad sees a negative affect and relates it to another dyad)
Me - Murasaki - Bi/pan
Kuroi - Straight (LTR 22+ years, married/fwb)
Momoiroi - child of Murasaki & Kuroi

Kimidori - Kuroi's SO

My lovers - Darkness & Mysteriousness (2+ years)
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couple privilege, privilege, responsibility

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