Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #511  
Old 09-29-2013, 12:41 AM
Eponine Eponine is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 100
Default

Most (if not all) of the OKC profile questions are optional. Just don't choose anything, and it will show up as a " - ". I never put my salary there. I think the info about salary is mostly useful to people who want to find a marriage partner. For poly people who are already married or people don't intend to marry at all, it's not really important.
__________________
Heteroromantic asexual female, sex-positive, childfree, relationship anarchist.
Married to G, and in a partially non-romantic, completely non-sexual and long-distance triad with A and L.

Last edited by Eponine; 09-29-2013 at 12:58 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #512  
Old 09-29-2013, 12:57 AM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 418
Default

1) I waited about a week on each of the 2 guys I was seriously messaging with on OKC before meeting them in person.

2) I was not at all attracted to my boyfriend's pictures. In fact, I didn't message him because of them. However, he messaged me and we had such a good conversation - like 60 emails in a week - I decided I would meet him. He was cuter in person. I did not have an instant spark, but I liked him well enough to say yes to a second date. On the 2nd date, I was struck by lightning and thought he was the best thing ever. My first OKC guy, we went on 2 dates total, and I never felt a spark, but I would have given him a 3rd date if my boyfriend and I hadn't exploded with lust for each other.

3) eh. This is up to you, and varies by situation. The first OKC guy, he had asked questions about the type of poly I was searching for, but we didn't get deep into specifics until we were actually on our first date. With my boyfriend, we talked about everything prior to meeting, because well, we just did. And as I said earlier, I wasn't sure if I would even find him physically attractive initially. But, that's where our conversation went, so all of it was covered.

4) I don't think I put anything down for income. I certainly don't care about the guy's income. I say I am a trophy wife and don't work, and I am not looking for someone to support me, since I have that already.
__________________
Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight
Girlfriend to PunkRockAwesomesauce
My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
  #513  
Old 09-29-2013, 04:03 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 518
Default Wait

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eponine View Post
I think the info about salary is mostly useful to people who want to find a marriage partner. For poly people who are already married or people don't intend to marry at all, it's not really important.
Please don't make blanket assumptions about what polyamory means or doesn't mean. It's very possible for someone married and poly to be interested in committing for life to another relationship which means just as much to them as if that person was legally married. In such a case, the person may be legitimately interested in the person's financial state.
Reply With Quote
  #514  
Old 09-29-2013, 04:07 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,288
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eponine View Post
I never put my salary there. I think the info about salary is mostly useful to people who want to find a marriage partner. For poly people who are already married or people don't intend to marry at all, it's not really important.
If my level of income is even a factor, that means we are going under two sets of very different assumptions. I'm not looking for a ward or a mommy
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #515  
Old 09-29-2013, 04:46 AM
Eponine Eponine is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 100
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Please don't make blanket assumptions about what polyamory means or doesn't mean. It's very possible for someone married and poly to be interested in committing for life to another relationship which means just as much to them as if that person was legally married. In such a case, the person may be legitimately interested in the person's financial state.
OK I was just generally speaking. There are people who look for (monogamous) marriage but don't care about income, so there can be poly people who care about income as well. But from the OP's posts, it doesn't look like she's looking for another life partnership with shared finances. Also, I think poly people can usually be more flexible on such things than mono people, because they don't have to rely on one person to be their everything. So for example, if you meet someone you like but don't find their financial state satisfying, you can still continue the relationship with them without merging finances. Of course, it's another story if a life partnership including merged finances is your goal in every relationship (and there's nothing wrong with that; it's just not how most poly people do relationships from my observation).
__________________
Heteroromantic asexual female, sex-positive, childfree, relationship anarchist.
Married to G, and in a partially non-romantic, completely non-sexual and long-distance triad with A and L.
Reply With Quote
  #516  
Old 09-30-2013, 01:03 AM
MsChristy's Avatar
MsChristy MsChristy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 88
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
1) How long do you message someone online before it should move into telephone/skyping/meeting depending on which you prefer?
There is no right answer. I know some people like to get comfortable first prior to meeting, while other friends of mine have chosen to meet someone new as soon as possible so as to see if there is a connection, and if not break things off sooner than later. I met my husband on-line and we e-mailed back and forth for a week before doing phone calls, and then another week before meeting in person.
Quote:
2) If you are not particularly physically attracted to someone's pictures, but not repulsed, is it worth it to meet in person? She would be driving for a few hours to meet with me, so I'd hate to have her come and then I'm blasé about her. I have no intention of getting with anyone unless I'm feeling Passion with a capital "P."
Do you like everything else you are seeing except the pic? If so, then I would say it is worth meeting. Many people have terrible pics, that may be outdated.
Quote:
3) My profile explains I'm married, husband knows I date outside the marriage, but he will not be involved. The woman I'm talking to has a long-distance boyfriend who allows her to date women. By about our fourth message, I decided to give her the gritty details of my level of experience in bisexuality/non-monogamy, and my current arrangement with my husband. I wanted to make sure the situation was acceptable to her so there'd be no misaligned expectations. I asked for details about her level of experience with women and open relationships. Now I'm wondering if I should have waited to discuss all that until AFTER we were fairly certain there was an attraction. I'm worried that saying so much so soon projected a level of intention I don't necessarily feel (like I'm definitely wanting to have relations with this woman.) Thoughts?
It depends. I don't know if I would pour my heart out to someone like that prior to meeting them, but I also understand when dating in nontraditional circumstances it is good to make sure everyone is on the same page as far as being open with partners, etc. I don't have much experience with this as I haven't done much on-line dating while in an existing relationship, however my husband has done some on-line dating and does like to make sure everyone is on the same page and then you can always discuss more relationship stuff once you meet.
Quote:

4) I don't want to lie on my profiles. But I feel embarrassed putting my own income, which isn't much, so I put my household income instead, which relies on my husband's salary. Without him, I'd be near poverty level. I love the work I do, but it's not a big money maker and comes with zero benefits. So...my salary or my household salary? Remember, these women are dating me only. Husband will have no involvement (his choice.)
I never mention income. It isn't important, and IMO that is personal. It sounds like you are using OK Cupid, which I believe does have a section where you can put what industry you work in, so you could fill that out if you do want people to see that you have a job.
__________________
--------------------------------------------------
MsChristy- married female
C-my husband
H-my partner
Reply With Quote
  #517  
Old 09-30-2013, 04:06 AM
ColorsWolf's Avatar
ColorsWolf ColorsWolf is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: CA, U.S.A.
Posts: 362
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
I'm trying online dating for the first time in my life, and I need a little help with "netiquette." Some is generic to any online daters, but for numbers 3 and 4 I need people on this board specifically:

1) How long do you message someone online before it should move into telephone/skyping/meeting depending on which you prefer?

2) If you are not particularly physically attracted to someone's pictures, but not repulsed, is it worth it to meet in person? She would be driving for a few hours to meet with me, so I'd hate to have her come and then I'm blasé about her. I have no intention of getting with anyone unless I'm feeling Passion with a capital "P."

3) My profile explains I'm married, husband knows I date outside the marriage, but he will not be involved. The woman I'm talking to has a long-distance boyfriend who allows her to date women. By about our fourth message, I decided to give her the gritty details of my level of experience in bisexuality/non-monogamy, and my current arrangement with my husband. I wanted to make sure the situation was acceptable to her so there'd be no misaligned expectations. I asked for details about her level of experience with women and open relationships. Now I'm wondering if I should have waited to discuss all that until AFTER we were fairly certain there was an attraction. I'm worried that saying so much so soon projected a level of intention I don't necessarily feel (like I'm definitely wanting to have relations with this woman.) Thoughts?

4) I don't want to lie on my profiles. But I feel embarrassed putting my own income, which isn't much, so I put my household income instead, which relies on my husband's salary. Without him, I'd be near poverty level. I love the work I do, but it's not a big money maker and comes with zero benefits. So...my salary or my household salary? Remember, these women are dating me only. Husband will have no involvement (his choice.)
1) These kinds of things can not be determined in a way that applies to every one, every individual is unique and every relationship is unique like a snowflake.~ It all depends both of you and when you both feel ready to move forward or in any direction to do any thing.~

2) I can not give you any but my own perspective: I am not just attracted to some one's picture or how they appear to be to the eyes, but I am attracted to the entire person.~ So at first, all pictures do not usually affect my thinking of them as I see it simply as another aspect of them, what I think of them as a person determines how attracted to them I am.~ I do not know if this applies to every one, but if you get to know some one and you like who they are as a person it may change your perspective of them completely even the outward appearance to your eyes.~ Even the most "beautiful" of women can become the most repulsive of creatures if you believe they are a horrible person truly.~ The same can be said of the most "repulsive" of creatures if you learn that they are one the most wonderful of persons you have ever met, they may no longer be so repulsive to you any longer and may even turn from "an ugly duckling" into "a beautiful swan".~

3) In my personal opinion, it is always best to be all open with every thing as you feel comfortable with it.~

4) Does the relationship you intend to have is based upon money or some kind of business? If not, then I would say money has absolutely nothing to do with establishing a relationship with some one based upon love.~ The only exception I can think of would be if you or they or both of you are intending to do something such as raise a child together and either of you or you both think that you need some kind financial stability to count upon for this.~ I wouldn't rely upon this either, because especially with this planet's economy the way it is nothing of the future can be known for sure, all you can do is make the best of what you have.~
Reply With Quote
  #518  
Old 09-30-2013, 09:47 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,803
Default

Re (from LoveBunny):
Quote:
"How long do you message someone online before it should move into telephone/skyping/meeting depending on which you prefer?"
That may be an unsolveable riddle, or at least one that has no "one-size-fits-all" answer. I suppose you gauge yourself emotionally and ask yourself if you trust this person you've been messaging. If you do, then it seems appropriate to take things to the next level.

Re:
Quote:
"If you are not particularly physically attracted to someone's pictures, but not repulsed, is it worth it to meet in person? She would be driving for a few hours to meet with me, so I'd hate to have her come and then I'm blasé about her. I have no intention of getting with anyone unless I'm feeling Passion with a capital 'P.'"
It seems to me that you're kind of answering your own query here. It's important to you to actually be attracted to someone, not just "not repulsed." Which to me seems reasonable, after all romance is not just about emotional connection. We all have platonic friends who we just connect to emotionally, and really I doubt any of them repulse us. Love, appreciation, and familiarity have a way of enhancing the way someone looks in our eyes. But the point is, if you aren't feeling the Passion with a capital "P," then it's at least too soon to pursue a romance.

Re:
Quote:
"My profile explains I'm married, husband knows I date outside the marriage, but he will not be involved. The woman I'm talking to has a long-distance boyfriend who allows her to date women. By about our fourth message, I decided to give her the gritty details of my level of experience in bisexuality/non-monogamy, and my current arrangement with my husband. I wanted to make sure the situation was acceptable to her so there'd be no misaligned expectations. I asked for details about her level of experience with women and open relationships. Now I'm wondering if I should have waited to discuss all that until AFTER we were fairly certain there was an attraction. I'm worried that saying so much so soon projected a level of intention I don't necessarily feel (like I'm definitely wanting to have relations with this woman.) Thoughts?"
Oh, I'd consider that a little mistake at worst, and we all make little mistakes in our interactions with other people. We're also of course our own worst enemies, and we keep ourselves up at night worrying about the things (we think) we've done wrong. Let's just say I don't think any "major damage" will result from your "minor faux pas." Heck, platonic friends can ask each other questions about their romantic experiences; doesn't mean they're going to get romantically involved.

Re:
Quote:
"I don't want to lie on my profiles. But I feel embarrassed putting my own income, which isn't much, so I put my household income instead, which relies on my husband's salary. Without him, I'd be near poverty level. I love the work I do, but it's not a big money maker and comes with zero benefits. So ... my salary or my household salary? Remember, these women are dating me only. Husband will have no involvement (his choice.)"
If you're talking about OKCupid, it should be easy enough to state it in your profile just like you've stated it here. "My personal income isn't much, but my household income is pretty good, but keep in mind my husband has no intentions to be involved in my new relationships." Doesn't have to be worded exactly like that but you get the idea.

By the way there's nothing wrong with stating/describing salary in your profile (in my view) if you feel inclined to do so. I know on OKCupid there's a lot of leeway for how much or how little you publish about yourself, and I think the idea is that you can use your own good judgment.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #519  
Old 10-01-2013, 11:05 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,374
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
1) How long do you message someone online before it should move into telephone/skyping/meeting depending on which you prefer?
It really depends on the person. If we have a connection and I trust them, messaging outside of the website (emails or skype) could happen the same day.
Meeting in person will also depend on the type of meeting. Meeting one-on-one with nobody else? That would take a while. But if we have interests in common, I could invite them after about a week or so to an activity they'd enjoy that I'm already doing with a bunch of friends (not in anyone's home, in a public place, such as playing games at a game store) and get to know them that way. If THAT goes well, I might plan to see them alone that same week or the next one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
2) If you are not particularly physically attracted to someone's pictures, but not repulsed, is it worth it to meet in person? She would be driving for a few hours to meet with me, so I'd hate to have her come and then I'm blasé about her. I have no intention of getting with anyone unless I'm feeling Passion with a capital "P."
Did you tell her that? The last part at least. Considering she's apparently the one doing the driving, it's important not to send her on a wild goose chase. Make sure she knows that this first meeting is as friends only and is likely never to progress further, and then if she's still up for driving to meet you, that's her call.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
3) My profile explains I'm married, husband knows I date outside the marriage, but he will not be involved. The woman I'm talking to has a long-distance boyfriend who allows her to date women. By about our fourth message, I decided to give her the gritty details of my level of experience in bisexuality/non-monogamy, and my current arrangement with my husband. I wanted to make sure the situation was acceptable to her so there'd be no misaligned expectations. I asked for details about her level of experience with women and open relationships. Now I'm wondering if I should have waited to discuss all that until AFTER we were fairly certain there was an attraction. I'm worried that saying so much so soon projected a level of intention I don't necessarily feel (like I'm definitely wanting to have relations with this woman.) Thoughts?
The better the sooner. Don't hide things from her. You are not promising anything by making sure you guys could be compatible, and waiting later to check for basic compatibility would not be very helpful, as you would have invested a lot into something that could end in a minute of you realising you're not on the same page... which would hurt a lot if you have developed attraction or feelings towards one another.
Make sure to tell HER that you're not promising anything. There is no point in telling US. She's the one who deserves to know that. But provided you make it clear, you're definitely doing the right thing making sure you guys are compatible as early as possible.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
4) I don't want to lie on my profiles. But I feel embarrassed putting my own income, which isn't much, so I put my household income instead, which relies on my husband's salary. Without him, I'd be near poverty level. I love the work I do, but it's not a big money maker and comes with zero benefits. So...my salary or my household salary? Remember, these women are dating me only. Husband will have no involvement (his choice.)
I always put "prefers not to answer" to questions like that. I feel that shouldn't come into account in dating someone. You could do the same thing, or you could add a note on your profile saying this is your household income so that nobody can feel you lied about it when they find out.
Reply With Quote
  #520  
Old 10-03-2013, 05:31 PM
sillyskydragon sillyskydragon is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 9
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Endicott View Post
With a regular date, you can't come home to your spouse and compare notes, or get tips and techniques. With a poly date, I have a coach! LOL
Yep one of the best parts of being in a poly relationship/s is that you have support nomatter what the relationship dynamics are.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
dating, dating advice, dating dynamics, dating etiquette, dating sites, dating websites, internet dating, meeting people, netiquette, okcupid, on line dating, online dating, online personals

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:25 AM.