Poly for years, and suddenly jealous in my first committed poly relationship?
I posted here last year, and y'all gave me the most centering, useful advice I could possibly have asked for. Thank you! (All those situations have, as most things do in the end, turned out well in their own ways.)
This may be the happiest post I've ever made on this site, so yay! I should say beforehand that this all may come across as super serious and awful, but it's not causing a lot of conflict or upset. It's just something that's bothering me about myself that I would like to examine further.
Recently, I've found someone absolutely amazing, someone who is weird in the ways that I am weird, and we seem really compatible on many levels. We both have the feeling that we've been looking for [someone like] each other for a long time.
For the first time in almost two years, I wanted to make it "official." I wanted him to be my boyfriend and for us to make a mutual commitment with agreed-upon rules. And to my great happiness, he was happy to be in a relationship with me. Which still is baffling in the best way to both of us.
For the first time in a long time, I'm sleeping with someone and every time we have sex, I can be pretty sure it won't be the last time we get to. It's mindblowingly... normal. And it's very good.
We've been acquainted for two months, having great sex for a month, and in a relationship for about two weeks.
However, here's the problem:
I don't know quite why, but my feelings for him have me getting really jealous. As someone who used to be codependent and monogamous, this disturbs me.
I'm fine with him making out with other people, with or without me there, but when it comes to sex, just the thought makes me feel... well, jealous! I have the sense that this feeling comes from how new this is, along with a few deep-seated insecurities that my newfound vulnerability has pushed to the fore.
He's very much into me and not jealous of anything I might want to do with other people of any gender. He's also said my discomfort is important to him and that if it were important to me, he would be happy being completely monogamous with me. He does admit, though, that he would feel sexually frustrated to have to turn down people he didn't want to turn down, which I understand because I would also feel this way.
So, here's where I need some help from more experienced folk. Please and so very much thank you!
What the heck? Why now? After two years of sleeping around and dating people I liked and not being jealous of their other partners, why am I suddenly acting kind of possessive and icky?
I know poly theory. Compersion is one of my favorite emotions. This feels weird!
Why do I feel compersion when he makes out with other people but jealousy when I think of him having sex with them?
I expected my care for him to trigger the desire to get him laid, and while that is true, the jealousy is blocking the happiness I know could be there.
Can I expect these feelings to go away? Can I hasten their disappearance somehow, or do I have to just wait it out as my neurochemicals and the NRE stop screwing with me?
Is this normal?
How can I accept these feelings without allowing them to trigger harmful thoughts and behaviors?
I'd really appreciate any advice from people who are wiser and more experienced. <3
Me: 22-year-old female, cis and queer, have identified as poly for ~2 years, currently in my first committed poly relationship
A: Poly boyfriend since 9/17/13, currently sexually open and not seeing other romantic partners but open to such in the future
Last edited by LemonCakeIsALie33; 09-28-2013 at 01:58 AM.
|jealousy, nre, relationships, sex|