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Old 09-27-2013, 07:37 PM
Cherub Cherub is offline
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Default First Poly-Group Meeting(s)

So my wife has made contact with two or three Poly groups in our area and asked me to attend to learn more. For some reason this is causing me more nerves than it seems that it should.

The first is this evening in a very small gathering in a local coffeeshop. I believe it us, the hostess, a single person, and is not expected to last more than two hours. It makes me a little nevrous that this is in a semi-public setting for discussing what to me is a very personal subject. I'm guessing that it will be difficult to comfortably open up there.

The second is in a few weeks in a home and is expected to have up to 30 people attend, is a potluck, and is eexpected to last for at least a few hours. The hostess read my wife's description of our situation and wanted me to know that they'll be a few other mon/poly couples there and may enjoy speaking with them. At least a larger group offers an opportunity to either blend in or engage as I choose.

The only person I'll know at either event is my wife. She has been reluctant to visit a poly forum or look at the resources recommended by participants here, but prefers learning face to face. My preference has been to learn by reading.

I feel like I'm going in blind with no idea what to expect or even what the proptocols are for such meetings. Hoping to get throught them okay and maybe learn some.

-Cherub
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Old 09-27-2013, 07:45 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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I'm curious how this goes for you! We have just signed up to a few local poly groups that have meetings, and are not sure what the protocols are, if any...
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Old 09-27-2013, 07:50 PM
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MsChristy MsChristy is offline
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Sounds like you should at least give it a try, since you admit your wife prefers face to face support and learning as opposed to on-line like you do. Before I was poly, I was actively involved in the public BDSM communities in two different cities (I had moved mid-involvement). While I am still into BDSM, and got good things out of being involved at the time, me and my husband have ultimately decided we prefer not to be involved in the public scene due to the drama and immaturity. However, not all public scenes are like this. You and your wife may find the local poly scene to offer a great deal of support and guidance. I would go into it with an open mind.
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Old 09-27-2013, 07:56 PM
Cherub Cherub is offline
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Originally Posted by MsChristy View Post
Sounds like you should at least give it a try, since you admit your wife prefers face to face support and learning as opposed to on-line like you do. Before I was poly, I was actively involved in the public BDSM communities in two different cities (I had moved mid-involvement). While I am still into BDSM, and got good things out of being involved at the time, me and my husband have ultimately decided we prefer not to be involved in the public scene due to the drama and immaturity. However, not all public scenes are like this. You and your wife may find the local poly scene to offer a great deal of support and guidance. I would go into it with an open mind.
Thank you McChristy, this sounds like good advice. While this whole thing pushes my comfort zone, the meetings seem like they should be a positive experience, at least for her. I agreed to go, mostly to show my support in her and to give it a chance that I'll gain something by the effort also. Here's hoping that our local poly meetings will not be too much like your BDSM ones though.

-Cherub
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Old 09-27-2013, 07:58 PM
Cherub Cherub is offline
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Originally Posted by Vicarious View Post
I'm curious how this goes for you! We have just signed up to a few local poly groups that have meetings, and are not sure what the protocols are, if any...
When is your first event?

If I learn anything useful I'll be sure to let you know.

-Cherub
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Old 09-27-2013, 10:40 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Originally Posted by Cherub View Post
When is your first event?

If I learn anything useful I'll be sure to let you know.

-Cherub
They have monthly meetings in the closest city to us. I think on the 15th of every month. We haven't really thought too much about going to events quite yet, as there is a lot we are working on just one on one with a lot of talking. And sharing what we have read online or in books. With having 4 kids, it would more than likely be that my wife goes to the event rather than me.
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Old 09-28-2013, 11:45 PM
AnonymouseD AnonymouseD is offline
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Triumph! I just posted for the first time today to get brave, and this is one of those things, so many appealing and helpful meetings in my area. I'm going to do it. Maybe see you there?
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Old 09-29-2013, 12:11 AM
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drtalon drtalon is offline
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At lots of poly (and kink) socials I've attended, we don't even discuss poly (or kink). We're just people meeting up with people talking about whatever is relevant to us, which is only sometimes poly (or kink).

I'm always surprised that so many people think attending a social is a big deal, as if the other people attending the social aren't just regular people, too. We're all just regular people and lots of us don't want to discuss personal, intimate stuff at socials in public, either.
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Old 09-30-2013, 05:33 PM
Cherub Cherub is offline
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Default My AAR (After Action Review)

Well, my wife and I made it to the small gathering a few minutes early. It was a more public venue than I wouldíve chosen, in a fairly busy downtown coffee shop near a theater at a large central table. The lady facilitating had a small sign announcing the purpose of the meeting (which drew a few stares, oh well). Across from her was one unaccompanied fellow discussing in general terms about the importance of open communication in any relationship, but especially so in poly ones. A few minutes later a second facilitator arrived and the discussion began in earnest.

Since three of us had never attended such a function before we learned about the history larger poly organization the facilitator represented and how the facilitator(s) experienced poly in their lives. The unaccompanied fellow explained that he was seeking basic information but had not made a decision if poly was right for him. My wife volunteered that she had been considering poly for at least four years but only became serious about seeking it very recently. She is somewhat conflicted that she now very much wants a boyfriend, but unlike our facilitator cannot get over the idea of my pursuing a girlfriend.

FWIW, Iím not actually seeking a gf and only consider this if I thought she could handle it, she spent so much time with her new bf (which she hasnít found yet) that I felt I needed someone else and I found someone that I was truly drawn to. I explained that Iím still processing her request to look and at this point hope things develop slowly, and selfishly, wouldnít mind if she never found a suitable lover.

I did about the other larger social poly gatherings and learned some curious details. The advice of the primary moderator was to contact the host(s) to inquire about any special rules or protocols for their event(s), which made good sense to me. After the formal meeting the co-facilitator altered us to few things to be alert to at the larger gathering we plan to attend next. We intend to visit next, and will make every effort to be good guests, but understand that sometimes being new guests at an established group can be difficult and hope all will work out well there.

Vicarious, if you'd like, Iíll pass along anything of note I learn at the larger group meeting prior to your (wifeís?) meeting?
-Cherub
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Old 09-30-2013, 05:36 PM
Cherub Cherub is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drtalon View Post
At lots of poly (and kink) socials I've attended, we don't even discuss poly (or kink). We're just people meeting up with people talking about whatever is relevant to us, which is only sometimes poly (or kink).

I'm always surprised that so many people think attending a social is a big deal, as if the other people attending the social aren't just regular people, too. We're all just regular people and lots of us don't want to discuss personal, intimate stuff at socials in public, either.
drtalon, thanks for the insight. Not having attended any such social event before, I was guessing that in this case topics touching on each other's poly challenges and successes would naturally arise even if unplanned. It may be more comforting to me at least if it were a conventional social gathering where no one discussed the subject, and leave learning to other sources such as this forum.

-Cherub
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