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Old 09-26-2013, 11:39 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Default Wife & I maybe looking for different things after embracing Polyamory...

My beautiful and lovely wife and I have been through a difficult road over a large part of our relationship. Maybe dynamics that aren't really part of a poly forum (sorry to assume...), but things like back to back pregnancies, blended families, crazy exes, past sexual trauma, and a greatly mismatched libido. I have always been the high libido partner in the relationship, but I also always knew my wife used to have a high libido before she ever had kids.

We started digging deeper into the Opening Up book, and our journey so far has been enlightening. I have learned a great deal about my wiring (monogamous as far as I can tell), and she feels she is learning that she may be open to a multi-partner type of polyamory.

To start our journey, we have a female friend that I have been encouraged to start a fairly frequent sexual relationship with. She is single and is very respectful of us as a couple. It has made my wife very happy to feel so accepted and appreciated that our friend thanks her for sharing her husband. She considers me a great lover, and wants to share me.

My take on things so far is that my wife has a tendancy for being a cuckquean(in a sense). The term Hot Wifing I have heard is of a man getting off on his wife being a slut. I have this mild kink, as does she with women I may sleep with. She gets off on me pleasing other women.

The issue lies in our path. I have a gut feeling that I can't be in love with another woman and sex so far with our friend has validated this. I care about her, feel protective of her, and consider her a friend. I can't fall in love with her. Sorry if TMI, but even things like my erection are different. I get very aroused by my love, but with my friend I need to concentrate more to get aroused, though the sex is great. It is like a natural wall is up to emotionally connect with her. Sex is fun, and it has heightend the passion between my wife and I. We have had sex more in the last month as a couple, than in the last 3 years! Perma-grin. It has brought our marriage closer, our communication has been outstanding, and I consider us as primary partners.

I have done a great deal of reading about jealousy that I have felt when I think through her sleeping with other men. I have been feeling like walls are coming down and over the last few days I now feel strongly that I can embrace her sleeping with men. We had a great conversation about how she really wants to be a slut like she was before kids. It is extremely hot for me, and I want for us to explore it.

She feels though that she can 'love' more than one person at a time. Being married, having kids together, and being each other's person, it feels hard for me to embrace her loving another man.

It could all be in how we label caring and love. We could be speaking the same language, as I care about my current lover, but would never live with her, be a part of her life with her kids, stay over for the weekend, etc...A caring friendship. Is that labelled love? A person that has complemented my life, whether it be short term or long. I don't think she is ever considering living with another man, but just the way we have labelled how we feel we are wired, seems to be causing us a great deal of clarifying feelings around love, being in love, etc...

How do 'primary couples' (we both feel this type of label suits us) that have a similar dynamic, communicate around one person feeling strongly in loving their partner only, and having almost casual sexual friendships; versus the other partner not really into casual sex, but looking for more connection in a multi-partner dynamic. We are both open to exploring how it all feels, but I may just be getting hung up on how we label secondary lovers/friends that come into our lives.

Clear as mud?
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Old 09-27-2013, 12:46 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Maca prefers primary heirarchy. I dont. He prefers fwb. I prefer deep connection and commitment with myltiple live in "life loves".

How we figured that out was eliminating the use of specific terms like "love" and really digging into the concrete actions/activities we wanted. Time consuming and very revealing.
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Old 09-27-2013, 06:14 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Love and poly can take many forms, and even as a couple, it can mean different strokes for different folks. Each of you may end up having different ideas of what you want, or needs to be satisfied in whatever format you end up choosing for yourself.

One of the frequent challenges is breaking free of the couplethink, and recognize that you can want different things, ....and that's ok.
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Old 09-27-2013, 02:15 PM
Cherub Cherub is offline
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Hello Vicarious,

You like most of the participants on this forum are much further along on your poly journey so will differ with interest to their comments.

That said my wife and I share a few of the aspects you mentioned. While we both have high libidos, and are active nearly every night and frequently twice a day, she has a still higher sexual capacity and desire. Earlier in our relationship she had notions of wanting to share me with a close friend of her’s. While I was physically drawn to the notion, I didn’t feel that I could attempt this in good conscience since I liked her as a friend, and didn’t know that I loved her like I did my wife.

More recently my wife has expresses her desire for another man both for sex and to love, both to meet her excess sexual drive, and yearning for additional relationship aspects. Only because I recognize the validity of her desires and know her enduring love for me are we now contemplating her finding a bf.

I’m at the point where I feel very protective of her and doubt the worthiness and motives of her potential suitors, and resistance to losing time and attention from her should one arrive, balanced against by desire to see her as happy and fulfilled as possible. She’s concluded from this exercise that I’m “poly wired” and she’s “poly-wired”.

-Cherub
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Old 09-27-2013, 06:01 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Last night we had a good friend over to have some mutual fun together. Once again I had a hard time staying aroused, though I had an amazing time with them. I was happier observing my wife getting off with her, or my wife pleasuring me while I made out with our friend.

I really feel that connection with my lover is paramount to me getting into it (and subsequently not having sustaining issues). I'm questioning what I thought I was looking for. I thought it was FWB or casual sex. But it is not going as I had expected.

Definately causing me lots to think about. Last night after our friend left, we had great sex, then in the middle of the night. No issues. Connection seems to be the primary focus of what I need to enjoy sex. I just don't think I can go there with anyone else.

Perhaps I'll just have to get off on her explorations. haha

This is an interesting journey, that's for sure!
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Old 09-27-2013, 06:19 PM
drinnt drinnt is offline
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Hey Vicarious,

I want to validate your arousal issues. After 10 years as a swinger spent figuring out the connection between my brain pan and my plumbing I GOT IT. I now find myself in a quad, poly relationship with my wife and another couple.

Casual sex...I thought I wanted it. Before we met our quad partners it never really worked out for me except for a few times. The times it did not work out I was with girls I thought I SHOULD want to have sex with because they were hot...but if I had no "spark" with them then I would just fizzle and end up walking away disappointed and often obsessing on how well my wife was connecting with the man and I wasn't.

Then there were a couple girls I had a "spark" with that I would never have picked out of a line up based on looks alone...but the sex and connection was great! Along the way there was one girl I had both "spark" and initial attraction to. Now I'm in a poly with an amazing woman that I both have an amazing "spark" with AND powerful initial and sustaining attraction.

Anyway...what am I talking about? I'm saying that for me - casual sex was a no go. I realized that I HAD TO HAVE THE POTENTIAL "I could fall in love with this person" connection with someone to carry on any level of sexual relationship. It doesn't mean I needed to "go there" emotionally...just allow myself to feel the potential for that emotional connection simmering under the surface. Riding that wave, so to speak. Personally, I found through my current poly relationship that for the first time EVER I am learning it's okay to actually ride that wave into shore and fall in love with another woman. Something I could never bring myself to consider while swinging.

You might not be comfortable considering having sex with another woman that you were in love with because you think it threatens what you feel for your wife. I get that. It doesn't...but I get that. In fact when our quad was just starting out I really wrestled with the notion that I was falling in love with my girlfriend and wondering "oh my god, what if I fall deeper in love with my girlfriend than I am with my wife?" or "what if I fall out of love with my wife?"

What it came down to with me was EXPRESSING that fear out loud TO my wife and dealing with it. Through a series of many conversations and experiences and giving the new love time to develop WHILE nurturing my existing love with my wife...I found that YES I was falling deeply in love with my girlfriend...AND at the same time deepening my love for my wife.

In short, by communicating, having faith and being open...I arrived at a place where I am today. I love both of those women so very much IN THEIR OWN UNIQUE WAY. Over a few months my love for each of them became two distinct relationships where one could exist without taking away from the other.

So you may not have to give up the ghost on this one. Maybe you only need open yourself up to the POSSIBILITY that in loving TWO women there might be something waiting for you that you DON'T KNOW you DON'T KNOW...
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Last edited by drinnt; 09-27-2013 at 06:26 PM.
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  #7  
Old 09-27-2013, 06:35 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drinnt View Post
Hey Vicarious,

I want to validate your arousal issues. After 10 years as a swinger spent figuring out the connection between my brain pan and my plumbing I GOT IT. I now find myself in a quad, poly relationship with my wife and another couple.

Casual sex...I thought I wanted it. Before we met our quad partners it never really worked out for me except for a few times. The times it did not work out I was with girls I thought I SHOULD want to have sex with because they were hot...but if I had no "spark" with them then I would just fizzle and end up walking away disappointed and often obsessing on how well my wife was connecting with the man and I wasn't.

Then there were a couple girls I had a "spark" with that I would never have picked out of a line up based on looks alone...but the sex and connection was great! Along the way there was one girl I had both "spark" and initial attraction to. Now I'm in a poly with an amazing woman that I both have an amazing "spark" with AND powerful initial and sustaining attraction.

Anyway...what am I talking about? I'm saying that for me - casual sex was a no go. I realized that I HAD TO HAVE THE POTENTIAL "I could fall in love with this person" connection with someone to carry on any level of sexual relationship. It doesn't mean I needed to "go there" emotionally...just allow myself to feel the potential for that emotional connection simmering under the surface. Riding that wave, so to speak. Personally, I found through my current poly relationship that for the first time EVER I am learning it's okay to actually ride that wave into shore and fall in love with another woman. Something I could never bring myself to consider while swinging.

You might not be comfortable considering having sex with another woman that you were in love with because you think it threatens what you feel for your wife. I get that. It doesn't...but I get that. In fact when our quad was just starting out I really wrestled with the notion that I was falling in love with my girlfriend and wondering "oh my god, what if I fall deeper in love with my girlfriend than I am with my wife?" or "what if I fall out of love with my wife?"

What it came down to with me was EXPRESSING that fear out loud TO my wife and dealing with it. Through a series of many conversations and experiences and giving the new love time to develop WHILE nurturing my existing love with my wife...I found that YES I was falling deeply in love with my girlfriend...AND at the same time deepening my love for my wife.

In short, by communicating, having faith and being open...I arrived at a place where I am today. I love both of those women so very much IN THEIR OWN UNIQUE WAY. Over a few months my love for each of them became two distinct relationships where one could exist without taking away from the other.

So you may not have to give up the ghost on this one. Maybe you only need open yourself up to the POSSIBILITY that in loving TWO women there might be something waiting for you that you DON'T KNOW you DON'T KNOW...
Thank you for that. Maybe as I see what happens with my wife and any connections she may have, I will trust more that it is ok to let go a bit. Or maybe it is that my current lover is not what I am looking for.

One other thing that both my wife and I have expressed a bit of jealousy around is that of time commitment. My current arrangement lets me go out very late at night after spending quality time at home with my wife and kids. We value this time and it has helped us grow closer together again. But if we started getting connected to someone else in a more 'relationship' type of dynamic, it would pull at this important piece of our life together. Going out late at night, then coming home, is very much like having a FB, versus a boyfriend/girlfriend...
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Old 09-27-2013, 07:44 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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N loves his gf but his love isn't like "in love" romantic. You can be friends with someone, love them, care for them but not feel the same as you do for your wife. I too have not been in love with anyone else.
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Old 09-28-2013, 08:48 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
N loves his gf but his love isn't like "in love" romantic. You can be friends with someone, love them, care for them but not feel the same as you do for your wife. I too have not been in love with anyone else.
I like the way you worded this. I understand it a bit better now.
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Old 09-30-2013, 06:21 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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In my vocab?

You and your wife and your GF are exploring being married and non-monogamous.

You think could be monoamorous (Desire or capacity to love one at a time) but are polysexual. ((desire or capacity to have more than one lover at a time -- not necessarily group sex, just more than 1 lover) and actually have a mutual friend as your lover at this time whose company you enjoy. I wonder if you are actually polyamorous, but struggling to LABEL the different kinds of love out there to be felt so you can talk about it with less awkwardness.

Wife could be polyamorous (Desire or capacity to love more than one at a time) and could be polysexual (desire or capacity to have more than one lover at a time -- not necessarily group sex, just more than 1 lover). She does not have another lover at this time.

GF could be (monoamorous and monosexual) or (polyamourous and polysexual) or some other mix and match. You don't write about her enough for me to guess. She is ok being in a non-monogamous relationship and is grateful her metamour (your wife) and her can have a friendly relationship since they share a hinge. (YOU) in this "V."

To me? You seem to share consummate love with your wife. You like her, are friends with her, share sex with her. But you have other commitments to her too -- marriage vows, children, a shared home and cohabitating as domestic partners and all that other "joint" stuff -- cars, checking accts, etc that a married couple might have.

You seem to share romantic love with your lover -- if there is liking/friendship and body/passion type intimacy there. You seem uncomfortable calling it "romantic love" because then what kind of love name do you have left to use for what you share with wife? You are used to calling THAT love the "romantic love."

Maybe reading Love Theory could help put more "love vocab" in your box that you could become more comfortable using? To help you describe what you feel and enable you to express yourself to the women in your life and be understood by them? While still honoring both women?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-30-2013 at 06:35 PM.
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