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Old 09-27-2013, 03:21 PM
walkingwill walkingwill is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 4
Default New to Poly need advice on jealousy/indifference

Hello. I'm new to the forum and to this thought process. Still trying to figure out if it works for me or if I'm just out of touch with my emotions...I have had a lot of loss lately (both parents and best friend passed in the last 2 years). I'm looking for advice on my situation as well as possibly insight into whether or not this is what I want because I don't really know...

I met L at a sandwich shop that was right next to where I worked. I asked her out on a date(first in 3 years for me) and things heated up very quickly. Too quickly for most of the people in my life. She moved in after two weeks and we had a relationship for about three months. She is a very sexual person. Sex is all she thinks about. Me, not so much, but I like to be accommodating and to make sure she enjoys herself. Three times a day every day. I couldn't keep up the pace and it was almost a deal breaker for her. We talked things out, slowed down a bit, and then she cheated on me. Open about it too. It obviously hurt her but she told me that being exclusive in a relationship with someone was almost impossible with her unless they can keep up with her physical needs...and even then... She had never been in a relationship where she didn't cheat on her partner(she's bi btw). I took it pretty hard, got angry, then mainly just sad because I had finally started to open up to her. I grew fond of her. We had an emotional connection. Her cheating though made me feel like I was inadequate. Not good enough. No one wants to feel that. But after a week, we started talking again. Only reason I did was because she had been so honest with me. We rekindled our relationship and she began talking about polyamory and swinging. Sex was a casual/recreational thing but that her emotional ties and love were for me.

I've found that it's hard to break conventional thinking. The idea that if she loved me ENOUGH then she could deny her physical desires for other people because she has me. But after research on the subject. The idea of loyalty and complete honesty about everything...I decided that I'd give it a try. The day she came back after one of her flings, it's hard to describe. I still picture this moment when I'm sitting with her on my couch with her legs propped on my legs and my arm was around her. I had never felt so close to her in our entire relationship. It was like she felt completely at ease and in our intimate moments, we've never been more passionate. The issue lies when she leaves...

You see, I don't have anyone on the side. Honestly, I'm not really interested in looking right now. Her on the other hand has many on the side that text her constantly. She doesn't hide them and openly discusses the good and bad things about each person she sleeps with. If there is drama, etc. And I'm glad we can open. It's like having your best friend as your lover, in the realist sense. We'll have our time. She'll spend a night. Then it's just assumed unless she says something that she'll be somewhere else tomorrow night. Yesterday, the day after she stayed over at a fling's place, we didn't even text or call until around 7 or 8 when she decided she wanted to be in my arms tonight. I haven't decided if it's jealousy or indifference that kept me from texting her that day. Well, last night when she came over we were intimate and I noticed love bites on her. I wanted to say something but didn't and made her bite me. She asked if there was a specific reason why i wanted her to bite me and I just talked around it. I guess I can't do that in the future...like I said, I'm new to this and I probably should have just said something. I guess I felt like it wasn't my business to say something about her fling from the last night leaving love bites on her. It makes her happy being able to have casual sex with these people and instead of jealous I should be happy that she's enjoying herself and having fun.

Today though, we woke up and I asked if she wanted to go out on a date tonight since it's friday night. She said she couldn't because she had plans with another fling and how about sunday....so she plans to be gone for two nights. What happened to the closeness I felt earlier? Why do I feel so jealous/indifferent? Right now the only thing I can think about when it comes to her is not to text her til sunday...even though she sent me a sweet message thanking me for everything and telling me how much she loves me awhile ago....it's these feelings that led me here in the first place. I need some advice and I feel like this is the only place that may understand what I'm feeling and going through. Sorry to write so much in my first post...I'll end it at that.

Last edited by walkingwill; 09-27-2013 at 03:28 PM.
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