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  #11  
Old 09-26-2013, 08:12 PM
SweetOne SweetOne is offline
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Aack! Just typed a huge response, and my computer ate it.

Anyway...

What Loving Radiance said. Ditto. Your feelings are valid and okay, and it's what you do next that matters.

You really need to tell your partner. He deserves to know who he's marrying, even if you decide you want to stay monogamous. Imagine if he found out twenty years from now that his wife was once in love with two other people and feeling tortured about it, and she never told him? Yikes. Hurtful.

Even if you're scared, you have to tell him. If you can't or won't, then what does that say about the trust you have for each other? If you can't weather this together, you're going to have a rough marriage. But I sense that you're strong, and you can do it.

Now, your friends..eeek! I do not envy that situation. Very complicated. You'll have to decide if it's worth risking the friendship to tell them. If your friend is straight, it is highly unlikely that she'll return your feelings. You risk losing her completely. However, if your feelings are so strong that you might one day have a couple of glasses of wine and end up blurting out your feelings for her, or her boyfriend, then you might want to just bite the bullet and do it. But it's up to you.

You just need to be ready for the possibility that even if by chance she IS attracted to you, she might not be ready/willing to admit that to herself or anyone else. And if she does, she still might not want to share her boyfriend. So yeah, that situation will be even trickier than the situation with your boyfriend.

Just try to be as fair as you can to everyone involved, including yourself. You have to decide if you can live your life monogamously, if your fiance doesn't want to go poly. Don't force yourself into a lifestyle that doesn't feel natural for yourself, or someday you might look at your fiance (husband) and resent him, even though you're the one who made the choice. You also want to consider, if he DOES want to try poly...are you willing to share him?

I, personally, cannot share my husband. I know I'm just not made that way. I would never, ever be doing poly right now if I thought he wanted to be open, too, because I know I can't handle that, and it wouldn't be fair for me to say "hey, I can have a boyfriend, but NO WAY can you have a girlfriend." I'd just stay monogamous instead. But then again...I feel at this point that I'm poly by choice, not by nature or need (I'm still discovering myself). It sounds like you might be naturally poly, to have fallen in love with two people, while loving your fiance. So you have a lot to think about.

Whatever you decide, make sure it feels right for YOU, and be as fair and open and honest as you can be. You might go through some serious "growing pains", but if you are open and honest, I think in the end you'll be living the life you were meant to be living--whatever that is--and be much, much happier in the long run.
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  #12  
Old 09-27-2013, 04:41 AM
Finley Finley is offline
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Thank you everyone!

I do not know what I am going to do yet. I will contemplate it awhile.

In the mean time I feel much better knowing that I am okay to feel the way I do.
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  #13  
Old 09-27-2013, 11:53 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Originally Posted by SweetOne View Post
Aack! Just typed a huge response, and my computer ate it.

Anyway...

What Loving Radiance said. Ditto. Your feelings are valid and okay, and it's what you do next that matters.

You really need to tell your partner. He deserves to know who he's marrying, even if you decide you want to stay monogamous. Imagine if he found out twenty years from now that his wife was once in love with two other people and feeling tortured about it, and she never told him? Yikes. Hurtful.

Even if you're scared, you have to tell him. If you can't or won't, then what does that say about the trust you have for each other? If you can't weather this together, you're going to have a rough marriage. But I sense that you're strong, and you can do it.

Now, your friends..eeek! I do not envy that situation. Very complicated. You'll have to decide if it's worth risking the friendship to tell them. If your friend is straight, it is highly unlikely that she'll return your feelings. You risk losing her completely. However, if your feelings are so strong that you might one day have a couple of glasses of wine and end up blurting out your feelings for her, or her boyfriend, then you might want to just bite the bullet and do it. But it's up to you.

You just need to be ready for the possibility that even if by chance she IS attracted to you, she might not be ready/willing to admit that to herself or anyone else. And if she does, she still might not want to share her boyfriend. So yeah, that situation will be even trickier than the situation with your boyfriend.

Just try to be as fair as you can to everyone involved, including yourself. You have to decide if you can live your life monogamously, if your fiance doesn't want to go poly. Don't force yourself into a lifestyle that doesn't feel natural for yourself, or someday you might look at your fiance (husband) and resent him, even though you're the one who made the choice. You also want to consider, if he DOES want to try poly...are you willing to share him?

I, personally, cannot share my husband. I know I'm just not made that way. I would never, ever be doing poly right now if I thought he wanted to be open, too, because I know I can't handle that, and it wouldn't be fair for me to say "hey, I can have a boyfriend, but NO WAY can you have a girlfriend." I'd just stay monogamous instead. But then again...I feel at this point that I'm poly by choice, not by nature or need (I'm still discovering myself). It sounds like you might be naturally poly, to have fallen in love with two people, while loving your fiance. So you have a lot to think about.

Whatever you decide, make sure it feels right for YOU, and be as fair and open and honest as you can be. You might go through some serious "growing pains", but if you are open and honest, I think in the end you'll be living the life you were meant to be living--whatever that is--and be much, much happier in the long run.
Sorry for sounding ignorant. ... but if you can't share your husband. .. how are you poly? And again.... maybe you're mono but poly friendly, in which case I feel even stupider. Nothing says mono people can't visit the forums.
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  #14  
Old 09-27-2013, 04:29 PM
drinnt drinnt is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
So what is it you need from yourself to gain peace of mind? You do not seem to say?

You know you can feel things WITHOUT acting on them right? There's nothing wrong with enjoying your friends and... leaving it there.

If you just want to enjoy the crushes -- enjoy them.
Tada. You are human. You will notice and appreciate beauty, attractiveness, and the qualities that make your friends wonderful. Could give yourself permission to update old beliefs (that you can't have feelings for others while dating a partner) because experience has told you otherwise. And that you can feel things without doing anything (if you believe that feelings something means you MUST do something.)

If you want to ACT on these feelings, then you need to update your belief AND consider how to approach your partner, and then your crushes if it is that you want to date THEM in particular.


If you want to share emotional intimacy with your fiancee and let him in on your inner thoughts and feelings?
Could do that. He can either hack it or not -- and since you are engaged? Prob something you could be doing in the Engagement Time anyway. If something as small as you having a crush on a friend turns his world inside out, your prob want to know that before he becomes husband, right? Nobody wants a flimsy life partner. A successful engagement can go one of two ways:
  • You find you ARE compatible for the long haul, and you move on to wedding planning.
  • You find you are NOT actually compatible for long haul, and you save yourselves wedding/marriage expenses/doom by canceling it and return to being friends. Or go for a loooong engagement to give both time to grow some more first. Nothing wrong with that either.

(Are you talking engagement/marriage prep classes anywhere? Place of worship? County extension? Online? )

Maybe you want it all. Or something else I can't think of. Or some mix and match combo thing. Could spend some time thinking about what your desired outcome is at this time. Maybe you just want time to get ok with it inside yourself since it is a new self discovery?

You aren't "bad" to feel whatever it is you feel though. It's just emotion. Some are yummy to feel, some are yucky. In time, they all pass sooner or later and a new one floats up!

Galagirl
Galagirl I love the way you lay things out.
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  #15  
Old 09-27-2013, 04:52 PM
SweetOne SweetOne is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Sorry for sounding ignorant. ... but if you can't share your husband. .. how are you poly? And again.... maybe you're mono but poly friendly, in which case I feel even stupider. Nothing says mono people can't visit the forums.

I wasn't aware that there was a rule that you have to share your husband if you're poly. In fact, after a year of research into hot wifing/polyandry/polyamory lifestyles, I've never seen anyone say that. I've seen many, many poly stories where the husband has no desire to date outside the marriage, or one of the men in a V does, and one doesn't, etc. The one thing we've read over and over is that there is no one ideal poly dynamic.

What else would I call myself? I'm looking for a man to love--not just have sex with. That's not hot wifing, because I have no plans at this time to sleep around (not that that's a bad thing, I just don't feel like it's me) or have multiple relationships. I may come to the point someday where I have a boyfriend whom I decide I want as a lifelong partner, and when it crosses that line into a lifelong partner relationship, I'd identify more with polyandry. So until then, polyamory is the closest fit.

Also, regardless of whether I want to share my husband, he has no desire to date. He's gung-ho for me to date, but he's very happy with just me. I'm poly--he's not, but he's in a poly relationship with me. I guess that's the best way to describe it.
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  #16  
Old 09-28-2013, 01:02 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Sorry for sounding ignorant. ... but if you can't share your husband. .. how are you poly?
There are apparently quite a few mono people dating poly people and I'm told it can work out just fine.

I do find the concept of a poly person who will not tolerate their partner also being poly to be hypocritical and controlling... but it's still technically poly.
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  #17  
Old 09-28-2013, 01:52 AM
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Bluebird Bluebird is offline
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Quote:
There are apparently quite a few mono people dating poly people and I'm told it can work out just fine.

I do find the concept of a poly person who will not tolerate their partner also being poly to be hypocritical and controlling... but it's still technically poly.
Yep. I'm poly and my husband is mono. So far, so good.

At the veeeeerrrrry beginning, I had a short-lived thought that I really wanted my husband to stay mono, because I wouldn't be able to handle him dating anyone. Then I looked in the mirror and said, yeah, I'm not going to be THAT person. If I believe poly is right and good, then why in the world would I deny it to the man I love most in the world? It's controlling and just wrong on so many levels. I honestly believe now I'll feel awesome compersion for him, if he decides to look for another partner. He has decided to stay mono so far, but not for lack of me encouraging him, that's for sure!
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  #18  
Old 09-28-2013, 05:45 AM
PolyInWA PolyInWA is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
There are apparently quite a few mono people dating poly people and I'm told it can work out just fine.

I do find the concept of a poly person who will not tolerate their partner also being poly to be hypocritical and controlling... but it's still technically poly.
I don't see the problem with the position that Sweetone is taking in regards to her husband. My wife is also in the beginning stages of living a poly lifestyle as opposed to a monogamous one. She also is very possessive of me and does not want to open our marriage up so that I can see others. That is fine with me as I have no desire to see other people besides her. I am however quite supportive of her desire and need to be poly.

You can call it hypocritical, however I don't see it that way. I do not believe that all relationships need to be fit into a nice tidy mold, nor do I believe that it is fair to expect every person to be the same. We all have our idiosyncrasies, this is hers. I thought the poly community was supposed to be a very non- judgemental group of people. Comments such as this are not only judgmental, they offend me because they could just as easily be said about my wife.

If Sweetone is anything like my wife, I believe that she is just being honest about who she is. When this conversation first arose between my wife and I, she was very honest about her feelings and was very much relieved to find out that I was perfectly happy to open our marriage for her while remaining mono myself. She would have remained mono rather than put herself through the anxiety
That she would have certainly faced. Until you have walked in her shoes you have no right to challenge her on her insecurities. The same its true of Sweetone.
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  #19  
Old 09-28-2013, 03:29 PM
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Originally Posted by PolyInWA View Post
You can call it hypocritical, however I don't see it that way.
Hypocrisy: "the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one's own behavior does not conform; pretense."

Do as I say, not as I do is hypocrisy. You can "see it" however you want.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyInWA View Post
I thought the poly community was supposed to be a very non- judgemental group of people. Comments such as this are not only judgmental, they offend me because they could just as easily be said about my wife.
If you find a general statement assessing the value of an ideal to be offensive and judgmental then perhaps you are being overly sensitive.

As far as I can tell we are having a perfectly adult and civil discussion about relationship configurations and assumptions. If you don't personally agree with an assertion someone else made, feel free to put forward your reasoning. You may find that it will be more constructive than telling someone they shouldn't be "judgmental".

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Originally Posted by PolyInWA View Post
Until you have walked in her shoes you have no right to challenge her on her insecurities. The same its true of Sweetone.
So in order to express a difference of opinion I must "walk in the shoes" of the person I am disagreeing with? Otherwise it is mean of me to even state a disagreement?

So it would be true to say that since you have never "walked in my shoes" that you are, in fact, out of line in saying that my description of "hypocritical" is "offensive and judgmental". Correct?

That is essentially saying "disagreement is bad, and it should not happen in any format" lol
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  #20  
Old 09-28-2013, 04:02 PM
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It absolutely is controlling. The limitation exists. The fact that you choose to accept it is irrelevant - maybe not to the workings of your relationship, but it is a restriction on a liberty, nevertheless.

To point that out isn't being offensive.
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