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Old 09-27-2013, 04:47 AM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 60

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Ok... here's some of your wants as best as I can make out. (I could be wrong.)

  • I want to love and trust my husband. Yes
  • I want to manage depression. I feel I can already do this to a pretty good extent. I feel that if the other things weren't happening, this wouldn't be an issue.
  • I want to become more assertive (?) and be able to just tell my husband that I don't want to swing? I prefer to poly? I have told him this but he isn't computing what I'm telling him. He just tells me that he feels lonely when I leave him to go on dates and that he would never do that to me because he knows how much that hurts. But I have never said that I don't mind being alone. Hell, I'm alone with the kids almost all day long. He comes home at 9 pm most nights so what would be an over night, really? I could use that time to write and think and play video games. There is so much I could do. That doesn't mean I would be okay with him gone EVERY night, but I could handle a night alone once or twice. He has told me that he could not if I did cause all he could think about was that I was having fun and he's at home stuck with the kids.

  • I want (financial) stability. Doesn't everyone?
  • I want my husband to not have to work so many hours and still be able to pay the bills. Yes. I think he works too hard.
  • I want to be more effective in my writing job so that I can make more money on that. Most certainly.
  • we're not so tight on money so we can go on fishing and camping trips with our kids. They need more time with us as a family. Not just a stressed out mom and a dad they never see. It doesn't have to be JUST fishing, but it is something we all enjoy doing.

  • A house that is big enough for us all. Two bedroom home with an 8 year old boy and a 4 year old girl.
  • A clean, orderly home where things get done (I assume cleaning? You seem to imply that more housework gets done when you are working than when you are not?) Some of this is organization problems. There is so little room and too much stuff that is from all of us, I get overwhelmed.

  • DH not to date the cheating woman person. He hasn't been and has actually never "dated" her. She comes over and they fuck. She goes home. To my knowledge, this hasn't happened in a year or two though.
  • For me to have another man in my life that I can go out and see from time to time without my husband getting uptight about him Yes.

  • DH wants to be a swinger Yes
  • I want to be poly Yes
  • I am ok (?) with DH swinging I have no issues here.
  • DH is not ok with me being poly Yes.

I don't know if that helps you to look at it like a bullet list.

Could you get organized with housework since you are home? Pleasant surroundings could help uplift your mood? It's more of the motivation that is lacking. When I'm working, I have all kinds of positive flow and things get done because I'm still flowing when I get home. When I'm not working, I feel sluggish and I don't have any desire at all to clean. Plus, with us being home things get dirty faster. So I'm like looking at all the mess going, "I really, really hate house work. OMG, I JUST cleaned that this morning! Why can't my husband pick up his fucking socks and put them downstairs? Could my daughter PLEASE stop sneaking food, half eating them, and leaving the remains under blankets in the living room? I hate dishes. . . Do I have to go into the basement to do laundry? Eww." Basically, I HATE housework. I would way rather be doing something and making money. I DO clean, but it takes me longer when I'm not working and then I get really overwhelmed cause now there is more. But yes, a clean house does make me feel better. .. But that is very shorted lived with my husband and two children.

How old are the children? How close to being in school? Because then that opens up possibilities for you to work during school hours.

What about birth control? I assume you don't want to have MORE kids at this time and be back in baby mode if you are close to the kids being in PreK or K already. No, I am NOT having anymore kids. I would honestly cry and run screaming if I was pregnant. I have the Mirena and haven't had a period in YEARS. It's fucking great! My husband wants to have another (not necessarily right now) but even if we had all the money in the world and lived in a mansion, I still wouldn't want to have another kid.

Me: 30. New to Poly but previous swinger for roughly 4 years. Married since 2008 but together since 2007.

Husband: Mid 30's. Swinger.

Boyfriend is a Muslim and we're in a LDR since July of 2014.
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Old 09-27-2013, 05:54 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by KerrBear View Post
That doesn't mean I would be okay with him gone EVERY night, but I could handle a night alone once or twice. He has told me that he could not if I did cause all he could think about was that I was having fun and he's at home stuck with the kids.
Stuck? With his own children? And he wants more? Why - he doesn't even like being with the ones he has.

He needs an attitude adjustment, pronto!

No wonder you're depressed.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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Old 09-27-2013, 12:22 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,330

So.... if you were going to organize that bullet list in number order based on "solveability" at this time, how would you have it be? What could you do right now? How do you see yourself getting through it?

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Old 09-27-2013, 12:35 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,587

Originally Posted by KerrBear View Post
I think it's unrealistic for me to just "get over it"
It would be unrealistic for someone to say that.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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Old 09-27-2013, 02:40 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 931

Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
It would be unrealistic for someone to say that.
And yet...someone did.

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
All of the shackles are self made.

You need to move on as well. So he cheated. The agreements have now changed. Get over it. If you have the balls, go make peace with her. For all you know she may be a wonderful person who is able to support and understand your desire for poly-a person who epic failed before.
And insult to injury...if YOU 'have the balls' go make peace with HER. Maybe she's a wonderful person.

No, she's NOT a wonderful person. A wonderful person doesn't help hurt another human being in the very devastating way that infidelity hurts another. Infidelity strikes to the very core. Infidelity is not just sex, but lies and mind games that tear down and destroy the one you claim to love. KerrBear's husband and this woman both chose to do this. They chose to disregard KerrBear's trust, the effect of the lies and mind games on her, and even how harming her would further harm the children she's trying to care for.

Infidelity affects the whole family, but all the husband and this woman could see was that they really liked screwing each other. No, this is not the behavior of a 'wonderful' person.

I would suggest, if this woman 'has the balls,' she ought to come forward and apologize for egregious, harmful behavior. She ought to attempt to make peace and help heal the wounds that her actions helped cause.

To be honest, I'm not sure I read this story, as more details come out, as KerrBear having a deep desire for poly, as much as KerrBear trying to keep a marriage together in the face of deep pain from infidelity and continuing disregard and disrespect from her husband. I see it as an attempt to have some love from a man that is not coming from her husband, more than a genuine desire to have multiple loving relationships. Heck, it's an attempt to have JUST ONE loving relationship. KerrBear, I apologize if I'm misreading this.

And this woman--yes, of course she'll support the supposed desire for poly because it means she can keep screwing this guy and now tell herself she's not doing anything wrong. That's not necessarily the same as wanting to 'support' KerrBear.
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Old 09-27-2013, 03:05 PM
drinnt's Avatar
drinnt drinnt is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 58
Default Two Directions

From what I'm reading you and DH want two different things. You are being pulled in two different directions in regards to sex/relationships outside of your marriage.

He wants casual sex.
You want a relationship.
You will let him swing.
He isn't happy with you having a relationship.

There's no way that formula ends up with you both getting what you want AND you both being happy.

Meanwhile...the house, family, career and social life all suffer because you guys are at odds about what? Who you can fuck outside of your marriage?

IMHO - you guys gotta pull back to your core relationship here and get connected with why you got married in the first place. You have kids looking to you every day for an example of how this life sh*t goes.

My opinion in looking at this is if you two can't agree on and be happy about your extramarital activities then you have four choices:

-Do nothing different and keep lamenting over what you each can't have
-Do what you each want even though it would make each other UNhappy
-Break up and have your life to do with as you please
-Focus on your marriage and get your relationship to a happy place again

I think your looking around at all the things you CAN'T have as reasons why you are not happy...and "if I could only have X and Y and Z everything would be sunshine and roses." (dramatic paraphrase).

Take a look at what you DO have. Find the happiness in your life. Don't you have any reasons to be absolutely in love with your life? Why don't you try working on making a happy home with what you have? When you and DH are happy with what you have again...then maybe you guys can figure out...from a happy place...what you can safely ADD to your life.
J - my wife & partner since 2000
D - R's wife & my unfortunately ex-girlfriend :-(
R - D's soon to be ex-husband & J's boyfriend
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