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  #11  
Old 09-27-2013, 12:41 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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All of the shackles are self made.

Its hard to hear, I know, I have had to hear them.

But, Marcus is right.
You need to stop making excuses and blaming.
Start taking responsibility to make the necessary changes.

If you know you suffer from depression, what are you doing to manage it? You have listed several things that are common triggers for depressive episodes.

You haven't listed anything you are doing to care for and manage that aspect of your health, like exercize, socializing, therapy etc.

second, you want poly and not swinging. Ok. Don't swing and start making friends, get out and socialize. That will help with depression and the option of poly.
Talk honestly "I love my husband. I dont equate love with monogamy. I want loving relationships but having one doesnt mean one cant have another." and the like when meeting people.
You will naturally brin open minded closer with such honesty and people who arent open to those ideas will naturally migrate away. Which will result in you being surrounded by people who are more likely to be open to and supportive of the relationship style you want.

Do some therapy regarding your continued animosity about the cheating. You can not build a healthy future while continuing your current thought processes on the topic.

As a frame of reference: I cheated on dh with bf. we nearly divorced. That was an ongoing long term (nearly a decade) affair. Why? Because I loved them both and didnt know how to navigate it. Epic fail.
But through honest self exploration and responsibility we moved past that and have been openly poly the last 4 years (anniversary yesterday actually). We all live together.
DH had to let go of the hurt and anger of my affair and learn to accept the truth of it. I fucked up. That doesnt mean I or GG is a bad person. It means we fucked up. Moving on.

You need to move on as well. So he cheated. The agreements have now changed. Get over it. If you have the balls, go make peace with her. For all you know she may be a wonderful person who is able to support and understand your desire for poly-a person who epic failed before.
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  #12  
Old 09-27-2013, 01:46 AM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
You sound like your situation is happening to you and that you are completely incapable of doing anything about it. This is total bullshit, and completely a construct of your own mind.

I strongly encourage you to take responsibility for your life, stop keeping score, and stop playing the victim.
.

I'm just trying to NOT create waves in my relationship. I don't like fighting with my husband. He is very passive aggressive so it's hard to be forceful without him twisting it around and turning the argument against me. I don't want to break his heart either. I feel like I'm just smearing feel-good juice over myself to appease him and his needs while ignoring my own.

I can just go and tell my husband that I'm just going to go ahead and have a relationship and hell with you, but that isn't solving ANY of the issues as to why I hesitate to have one. Then I'm dragging another person into a drama fest that is caused because I'm not "allowed" to have that person at all.

Or he will tell me he is okay with it but then become a major asshole about the whole thing and gets all emo on me and makes my life miserable.

So how do I get my husband to accept me for who I am without causing all the drama, passive aggressive bullshit that happened before with Beaner?
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Me: 30. New to Poly but previous swinger for roughly 4 years. Married since 2008 but together since 2007.

Husband: Mid 30's. Swinger.

Boyfriend is a Muslim and we're in a LDR since July of 2014.
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  #13  
Old 09-27-2013, 01:56 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Sometimes you can't. Sometimes you need to accept that you're different and won't be able to change the person. You have to choose to live for Yourself and not him.
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  #14  
Old 09-27-2013, 02:01 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Broken trust is not something that can just be 'gotten over.' It doesn't sound to me like he's doing anything to rebuild that trust or make amends.

I spent a lot of time on an infidelity board, and the experts say it takes a minimum 2-1/2 to 5 years to repair the damage of an affair, and that is under absolute best possible conditions.

You don't have best possible conditions.

I think it's close to impossible to stay in a situation where you're being treated with disrespect, and feel perfectly happy with that.

My solution in a similar circumstance was to send my (now X) H to live in the basement and move on with my life. There was no way I was going to give and give and give to someone who treated me with such little respect in return. I absolutely could have been happy simply detaching and continuing to share a home and be married. But to try to continue a 'loving' or loving and trusting relationship with someone who was clearly not treating me with love? No. People are unhappy when they know they're being used, disrespected, and treated as a doormat with absolutely no value.

I'm sending you a PM.
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  #15  
Old 09-27-2013, 02:33 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KerrBear View Post
So how do I get my husband to accept me for who I am without causing all the drama, passive aggressive bullshit that happened before with Beaner?
I know you think you are trying, but it just sounds like whining to me. Seriously, cowboy up and take some responsibility for your life... no one did this to you... you did it to yourself.

You will greatly benefit from doing some Google searches on standard topics: "building self esteem", "codependency", "letting go of baggage", and "how to build a resume and start my life over".
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  #16  
Old 09-27-2013, 03:00 AM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
I know you think you are trying, but it just sounds like whining to me. Seriously, cowboy up and take some responsibility for your life... no one did this to you... you did it to yourself.

You will greatly benefit from doing some Google searches on standard topics: "building self esteem", "codependency", "letting go of baggage", and "how to build a resume and start my life over".
I have a very effective resume, thank you.

I think it's unrealistic for me to just "get over it" when nothing has really happened on his half to make anything better. I can only give so much of myself before I start to become resentful and angry, which I would really rather NOT do.

So instead of telling me to just "get over it" why not offer advice as to how I approach my husband on these issues in the best way possible that won't end up in a huge argument that won't solve anything?
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Me: 30. New to Poly but previous swinger for roughly 4 years. Married since 2008 but together since 2007.

Husband: Mid 30's. Swinger.

Boyfriend is a Muslim and we're in a LDR since July of 2014.
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  #17  
Old 09-27-2013, 03:04 AM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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I will always have depression. That will never change. I am not in a place where I can do nothing with myself because I have depression. I will always have cycles where I am more depressed than other times, that doesn't mean I'm not capable of having a meaningful, fulfilling relationship. Having depression doesn't make me an unstable or broken person. It's like a person with ADHD, I learn to deal with it and move on with my life which I have done.

Yes, I have hang-ups sometimes like everyone with a mental illness, but that doesn't mean I don't know how to handle myself or my "triggers" or "hot thoughts" which is the technical term. I was taught how to handle them when I had therapy years ago for my depression. It was so so so much worse at that time, I have come a HUGE way.
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Me: 30. New to Poly but previous swinger for roughly 4 years. Married since 2008 but together since 2007.

Husband: Mid 30's. Swinger.

Boyfriend is a Muslim and we're in a LDR since July of 2014.
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  #18  
Old 09-27-2013, 03:21 AM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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If you're going to be a sahm a good way (which I did for 8 months) is do child care in your home. We still struggled but it helped. I thought I'd never get a job & earlier this month I was offered one where my salary is more than what we (hubby & I) had been making monthly. My point is we were broke, had to live within our means, kept faith life would get better & it eventually did. Going forward we spend the same as before & save the extra.
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  #19  
Old 09-27-2013, 03:49 AM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alibabe_muse View Post
If you're going to be a sahm a good way (which I did for 8 months) is do child care in your home. We still struggled but it helped. I thought I'd never get a job & earlier this month I was offered one where my salary is more than what we (hubby & I) had been making monthly. My point is we were broke, had to live within our means, kept faith life would get better & it eventually did. Going forward we spend the same as before & save the extra.
I would like to do that, but our place isn't big enough for more than one extra child, but I have other stay at home options.

I am a freelance writer currently but only make about $100 a month on that. I need to discover how to get more work and to become more efficient in writing articles.

I would so love to be able to save. Right now our electric, water, rent, and gas bill alone consumes the majority of our income. We barely have enough to eat.

My neighbors have an open wi-fi. It's the only reason why I have the internet, yet I depend on it for my job.
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Me: 30. New to Poly but previous swinger for roughly 4 years. Married since 2008 but together since 2007.

Husband: Mid 30's. Swinger.

Boyfriend is a Muslim and we're in a LDR since July of 2014.

Last edited by KerrBear; 09-27-2013 at 03:52 AM.
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  #20  
Old 09-27-2013, 04:01 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Ok... here's some of your wants as best as I can make out. (I could be wrong.)

EMOTIONAL/MENTAL HEALTH:
  • I want to love and trust my husband.
  • I want to manage depression.
  • I want to become more assertive (?) and be able to just tell my husband that I don't want to swing? I prefer to poly?

FINANCIAL HEALTH
  • I want (financial) stability.
  • I want my husband to not have to work so many hours and still be able to pay the bills.
  • I want to be more effective in my writing job so that I can make more money on that.
  • we're not so tight on money so we can go on fishing and camping trips with our kids.

ENVIRONMENTAL HEALTH
  • A house that is big enough for us all.
  • A clean, orderly home where things get done (I assume cleaning? You seem to imply that more housework gets done when you are working than when you are not?)

SOCIAL HEALTH
  • DH not to date the cheating woman person.
  • For me to have another man in my life that I can go out and see from time to time without my husband getting uptight about him

COMPATABILITY ISSUES
  • DH wants to be a swinger
  • I want to be poly
  • I am ok (?) with DH swinging
  • DH is not ok with me being poly

I don't know if that helps you to look at it like a bullet list.

Could you get organized with housework since you are home? Pleasant surroundings could help uplift your mood?

How old are the children? How close to being in school? Because then that opens up possibilities for you to work during school hours.

What about birth control? I assume you don't want to have MORE kids at this time and be back in baby mode if you are close to the kids being in PreK or K already.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-27-2013 at 04:03 AM.
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