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Old 09-26-2013, 11:39 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Vancouver Island, BC
Posts: 42
Default Wife & I maybe looking for different things after embracing Polyamory...

My beautiful and lovely wife and I have been through a difficult road over a large part of our relationship. Maybe dynamics that aren't really part of a poly forum (sorry to assume...), but things like back to back pregnancies, blended families, crazy exes, past sexual trauma, and a greatly mismatched libido. I have always been the high libido partner in the relationship, but I also always knew my wife used to have a high libido before she ever had kids.

We started digging deeper into the Opening Up book, and our journey so far has been enlightening. I have learned a great deal about my wiring (monogamous as far as I can tell), and she feels she is learning that she may be open to a multi-partner type of polyamory.

To start our journey, we have a female friend that I have been encouraged to start a fairly frequent sexual relationship with. She is single and is very respectful of us as a couple. It has made my wife very happy to feel so accepted and appreciated that our friend thanks her for sharing her husband. She considers me a great lover, and wants to share me.

My take on things so far is that my wife has a tendancy for being a cuckquean(in a sense). The term Hot Wifing I have heard is of a man getting off on his wife being a slut. I have this mild kink, as does she with women I may sleep with. She gets off on me pleasing other women.

The issue lies in our path. I have a gut feeling that I can't be in love with another woman and sex so far with our friend has validated this. I care about her, feel protective of her, and consider her a friend. I can't fall in love with her. Sorry if TMI, but even things like my erection are different. I get very aroused by my love, but with my friend I need to concentrate more to get aroused, though the sex is great. It is like a natural wall is up to emotionally connect with her. Sex is fun, and it has heightend the passion between my wife and I. We have had sex more in the last month as a couple, than in the last 3 years! Perma-grin. It has brought our marriage closer, our communication has been outstanding, and I consider us as primary partners.

I have done a great deal of reading about jealousy that I have felt when I think through her sleeping with other men. I have been feeling like walls are coming down and over the last few days I now feel strongly that I can embrace her sleeping with men. We had a great conversation about how she really wants to be a slut like she was before kids. It is extremely hot for me, and I want for us to explore it.

She feels though that she can 'love' more than one person at a time. Being married, having kids together, and being each other's person, it feels hard for me to embrace her loving another man.

It could all be in how we label caring and love. We could be speaking the same language, as I care about my current lover, but would never live with her, be a part of her life with her kids, stay over for the weekend, etc...A caring friendship. Is that labelled love? A person that has complemented my life, whether it be short term or long. I don't think she is ever considering living with another man, but just the way we have labelled how we feel we are wired, seems to be causing us a great deal of clarifying feelings around love, being in love, etc...

How do 'primary couples' (we both feel this type of label suits us) that have a similar dynamic, communicate around one person feeling strongly in loving their partner only, and having almost casual sexual friendships; versus the other partner not really into casual sex, but looking for more connection in a multi-partner dynamic. We are both open to exploring how it all feels, but I may just be getting hung up on how we label secondary lovers/friends that come into our lives.

Clear as mud?
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