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  #171  
Old 09-23-2013, 02:53 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Why do you find it so hard to believe that people like myself do not fall in (romantic) love with more than one person at the same time?

I wish people would stop conflating "wiring" (or "how I love others") with "preferred relationship style" (which can be based on social constructs). It's not just you, but it makes it quite aggravating to feel like I have to defend myself against a belief that I'm something I'm not. I'm *in* a Poly relationship. I'm already (evidently) thumbing my nose at convention. But I don't love that way.

Dammit... I fell for the necropost. But it's still, I suppose, a valid discussion. It's a discussion I need to have everytime someone tells me that monogamy is such an oppressive construct, when the word "monogamy" is used to encompass two different things entirely.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops: My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
My slightly more polished blog (external): From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 09-23-2013 at 03:14 PM. Reason: Added the "romantic" to head the "but you love your children and friends!" retort off at the pass
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  #172  
Old 09-23-2013, 04:05 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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You-
I think some people feel wired as one or another AND some people choose to live one way or another.
I don't think it is either or.

GG doesn't fall into romantic love with more than one at a time. But he loves me and accepts that means existing in a poly dynamic though he doesn't choose to have multiple partners, because he doesn't romantically love multiple people.

Maca had never considered it prior. But found out after the fact that he can romantically love more than one. But currently doesn't want to pursue it.

I have always loved more than one.

It shouldn't be a problem if you don't. as long as you get your needs met, that is what matters.

(and sometimes necroposts simply bring back good topics. Thats ok too)
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  #173  
Old 09-23-2013, 04:35 PM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
You-
I think some people feel wired as one or another AND some people choose to live one way or another.
I don't think it is either or.
Oh, I agree - I just hate hearing statements that imply I don't know my own mind about something. I get bristly, especially when I'm already feeling cranky because I'm catching a cold (sorry for the grumbliness). I've considered it, which I realize is more than many mono folks do; it's just not something that's an innate part of me, and is actually something I would find difficult, if not impossible (and unfair to anyone else I tried to love) to pull off.

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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
(and sometimes necroposts simply bring back good topics. Thats ok too)
And I agree here as well, which is why I said I figured it was still a valid discussion.

The two (love-style versus relationship-style) aren't mutually exclusive, although I figure if you're innately poly, a mono relationship is going to feel horrible, as your own love-style is getting squashed. My love-style isn't getting squashed in my relationship - I am loving P as I would in a mono relationship. I'm just in a relationship where convention is being tossed out the window, and yes, that's where the social stuff comes in.

The two are different, and someone saying that they doubt mono folks really exist brings me back to the point where I had to sit P down and tell him that yes, I really AM, to please stop trying to convert me, and just love me for who I am, dammit, since I'm affording him the same respect.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops: My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
My slightly more polished blog (external): From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #174  
Old 09-23-2013, 04:36 PM
EdmCouple EdmCouple is offline
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It is sad that anyone has to defend themselves or even feel the need to. Your personal feelings and beliefs are yours.
Being pretty new to this I am expressing my personal observations. Quite obviously I am wrong when it comes to some things, but I'm learning.

Youarehere, I am sorry, let me clarify what I meant.
Yes it is possible to love just one, or many. What I meant by the social norms is realizing that it is okay to love more then one and accepting that other do as well. We are taught from a young age that mono is the normal and anything else is wrong. Conditioned so to speak to conform to what is socially acceptable. Being socially conditioned is entirely different then being personally wired. Better?
Once again, my apologies.

Last edited by EdmCouple; 09-23-2013 at 04:49 PM. Reason: Auto correct fail
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  #175  
Old 09-23-2013, 04:36 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
You-
And seeing myself addressed this way made me giggle... Feel free to call me "Hey You!" from now on.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops: My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
My slightly more polished blog (external): From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #176  
Old 09-23-2013, 04:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EdmCouple View Post
It is sad that anyone has to defend themselves or even feel the need to. Your personal feelings and beliefs are yours.
Being pretty new to this I am expressing my personal observations. Quite obviously I am wrong when it comes to some things, but I'm learning.

Youarehere, I am sorry, let me clarify what I meant.
Yes it is possible to love just one, or many. What I meant by the social norms is realizing that it is okay to love more then one and accepting that other do as well. We are taught from a guy young age that mono is the normal and anything else is wrong. Conditioned so to speak to confirm to what is socially acceptable. Being socially conditioned is entirely different then being personally wired. Better?
Once again, my apologies.
And you have my apologies in return for being bristly. I had a GREAT weekend, but a couple days camping in the cold, plus a rainy day with a leaky tent, and exposure to someone who had a cold made for the trifecta of YUCK. No excuse, but I didn't need to bite your head off.

Yes, we are brought up with a social default, and there aren't very many people who have their views challenged. Relationship models aren't the only things to get tested, and I am thankful that I moved around a bit as a kid, went to college in an urban setting, and got out and about. I know people who never left their home town, so I can definitely see how wiring and social conditioning can be pretty indestinguishable in that case.

Just not in all cases.

Thanks, EdmC. I appreciate your reply, and I hope you'll take my grouchiness with a grain of salt.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops: My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
My slightly more polished blog (external): From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #177  
Old 09-23-2013, 04:52 PM
EdmCouple EdmCouple is offline
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No apologies needed. I should have been more clear.
Great that you had fun camping, not so great about getting sick and a leaky tent.
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  #178  
Old 09-26-2013, 04:43 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default justifying one way or the other is completely unnecessary

and when people begin to think that the only way to have any form of alternative relationships be acceptable is when it is not a choice, it's those framed thoughts that are problematic.

You can't force people to love or not love another person -- romantic love or not makes no difference -- while there are certainly people who allow such intrusions on their freedom, there will always be people whom you cannot make life so uncomfortable that they will choose to conform. There will always be people who will follow their heart, even if it leads to death.

Most problems arise from dishonesty to those you are involved with, but when you are able to honest about your emotions and your actions, there really is no need to justify your choice. Those who are concerned may always choose not to be involved with you and have no relationship, but it really is a mistake to feel like you need a good enough reason to love as you who you want to. There are certain aspects of life which it is OK to have a preference, you don't need any other reason then because it's what you want, and if another or others are willing to accept those terms, then it really doesn't matter.

Relationships are one of those aspects where knowledgeable adults have the freedom and liberty to have complete autonomy about the details of said relationships because it is completely up to only those who are involved.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 09-26-2013 at 04:43 AM. Reason: typo
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