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  #51  
Old 05-14-2013, 05:52 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by Matt View Post
We've done it her way for five years, and it bombed. Am I being unfair in wanting to try it another way?
Set a time limit to re-evaluate, like once a year or every 6 months or so. Until that time limit is up no more discussions on that particular subject. This works in both your favor. You get a promise that she won't push things for that amount of time and you get a chance to actually see how things will work doing your way. At the end of that time period, you both can sit down and talk about what's working and what's not, you can change somethings, everything or nothing and move ahead until the next set time period. She knows that at the end of that time period she will have an opportunity for more compromises, even if they are small and nothing is set in stone for all eternity, but all know it won't be changing or trying to be changed from week to week.
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  #52  
Old 05-14-2013, 06:30 PM
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Set a time limit to re-evaluate, like once a year or every 6 months or so. Until that time limit is up no more discussions on that particular subject. This works in both your favor. You get a promise that she won't push things for that amount of time and you get a chance to actually see how things will work doing your way. At the end of that time period, you both can sit down and talk about what's working and what's not, you can change somethings, everything or nothing and move ahead until the next set time period. She knows that at the end of that time period she will have an opportunity for more compromises, even if they are small and nothing is set in stone for all eternity, but all know it won't be changing or trying to be changed from week to week.
I like the premise, but I'm going to say something like 13-17 years or once the kids are away at university. I don't want her ex involved in the rearing of our kids. I never did, and on a cooler head, I still don't. We can revisit it 10 years from now, and it's going to be the same thing. At least with my way, her ex gets to stay in their lives. Not as a second mother but as someone who loves them and cares for them. I could easily revert back to my authoritarian ways and say that she can't have any contact.
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  #53  
Old 06-17-2013, 02:58 AM
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Man, I don't ever post. Things are kind of levelled right now. The Mrs. was in Donington for a music weekend. She came home early yesterday morning. The kids helped her make my favourite brekky. Mum finally gave my Mrs. the recipe after all these years. They did well. Every day is my day when it comes to my kids and being a dad.

My thoughts towards polyamoury...that's complicated. It's something I can deal with in time. I need it to be like it was before. I still don't understand it. It's not a self-esteem thing. I know I'm a damn good man, and I'm good on my own. If she needs or wants something more, that has nothing to do with me. Arrogant or cocky? Nah. I'm confident. Does it make me happy to be around it? I can't front. I'm not thrilled about the idea of it being back in my life. I need more time before I'm ready to have it back in my life. The slimmest possibility doesn't excite me at this moment. I presented the Mrs. with my terms for even considering the idea again. I'm not opposed to them getting back in a relationship. I need my boundaries to be respected. Everything spiralled out of control in 2008, and we never got it back. I don't have any ill feelings towards polyamoury. My problems with it stem from how it was managed. With respect, better management, firm boundaries that won't be trampled over, and better communication, I'm sure it would be better.

I don't want to be out. The Mrs. can be whatever or whoever she wants to be. Provided it doesn't lessen the quality of my life. That was more of a courtesy to her and that relationship, and it caused a shit load of problems in my life. Problems I never expected and some that have caused aftershocks that are still being felt at this moment. Never again. My attitude on this is take it or leave it. It makes no difference to me.

Because of how much she was gone, if I have to live with this, I'm not going for her being gone all the time. I'm not cool with seeing my wife a couple of times a week. If I wanted to spend that much time alone, I'd be a bachelor and a single father. My boundary for this is no more than one overnight per week. I don't want to control my Mrs. I don't care what she does with her time, but nothing should interfere in our private time or our family time. Relationship, career, or other interests. I shouldn't have to make appointments to see her, my kids, or try to fit family time in. That should've been a given then. It is now. She knew I was a family man when she met me. Ain't shit changed. I'm the same man she met back in 1999. For the record, the only reason I'm cool with one overnight is because I'll be working overnight. I can't control anything if I'm at work, right? The Mrs. had a problem with the times I suggested. Our kids go to bed around 9-9:30 every night. We keep them on a schedule. I want one hour of quality time with her before we begin our respective nights. The times given to her were 10-6. From 6:30-7:30 every morning, I want to have some one-on-one time with her. This doesn't just apply to the overnight thing. The hour every morning and night is a daily requirement. Since we couldn't handle effective communication, I suggested that. We started that last week. If she gets back with the royal snowflake, I don't expect that to change. In fact, it will become even more necessary.

I've asked her to limit the amount of text messages and phone calls when we're together. If she's all wrapped up in a conversation with someone else, clearly I don't have her attention. I give her my full, undivided attention, and I expect the same common courtesy and respect.

I've asked her and the royal snowflake to give me notice and a heads up about plans. They were forever making last minute plans, and what happened was if I had planned something with my Mrs., it might have gotten pushed back. If I want to spend quality time with my lady, I should be able to do so, and it shouldn't have to change because my wife's girlfriend scored tickets to a concert. It pissed me off when my plans were thrown off. My wife sided with her ex way too many times, and that's going to change. My boundary for this is weekly meetings amongst the three of us. I don't care how they're conducted. Be it FaceTime, over dinner, at someone's house, or whatever. Just some type of chance for us to exchange schedules and outline plans for the week. Plus, hash out in any issues or address any needs that aren't being met. Communication was weak. That's one thing that must be improved.

I don't have a problem with the royal snowflake visiting our home or even sleeping over from time to time. All I ask is that she call or ask before just dropping by. Even my in-laws call before just showing up. They came by yesterday, but they called to make sure it was OK first.

Due to my new boundary of not being out, I don't want them showing PDA in front of the kids. My kid is getting older, and there's certain things I don't care to talk about with her. I don't care to explain to her why mummy was kissing her girlfriend. I also don't need her going to school telling what she saw. I don't want them exposed to poly at all. Until they turn 18, I have a right to say what I do and don't want my kids exposed to. I'm not trying to teach them to challenge what society teaches is right or wrong. Do you think an almost 5 year old and 1 year old care about society? It's an adjustment in and of itself for my kid to be going to school for the first time, and we're in agreement to not do anything to make it even more challenging.

I know that the royal snowflake isn't planning on taking on any other partners, but I insist on protected sex. I can't stop them from having sex, but I'm responsible for protecting my own health.

I don't want any part of their drama. Their relationship is theirs. Keep me out of it. If it doesn't affect me, why should I care? My boundary is keep your relationship drama out of our marriage, and we'll be OK. I'm not going for her bitching at me and talking about the issues in her relationship when I'm with her. Doesn't involve me? Don't include me in it. I'll gladly give advice and offer an unbiased opinion. Outside of that, if I don't ask, you don't need to tell me.

I expect the royal snowflake to respect my home, my marriage, my boundaries, and all parenting wishes. I want her to stay out of parenting. She can be in their lives as someone who loves them, but my kids aren't calling her mum. I've broken my kid of that, and if my Mrs. tries any funny business, there are ramifications in place. Just a little something to protect the best interests of my kids and to make sure that she doesn't try anything. She knows the consequences if she dares to try it.

As it stands now, she hasn't seen my kids since I don't even know when. I want her to prove that she's worthy of being in their lives. I can forgive her for any and all transgressions, but it doesn't change the fact that she hurt my kid. I have to learn to trust her again. Only way to do that is to build it. I invited her to the kid's show later on this week. I don't trust her alone with them, yet. She has to earn that back. Even when she does, she's not going to see them every day. There's no need for that. Their grandparents don't even see them every day, and they're blood relatives. Just because you're sleeping with my Mrs. doesn't mean you need to be that involved in their lives. I'm happy she loves them, but we're finally in agreement that a two-parent mould is sufficient.

As far as our friendship, we're getting along. We're actually talking. Not every day. Here and there. We're searching for therapists. Our new therapist gave me a few recommendations, and we're going to check them out. I don't have any problems with her. I got everything out when we talked last month. We both love Ry. She loves my kids. She seems truly apologetic for any havoc she caused. She's committed to repairing the damage and seeking therapy with me. She's respected my boundaries. She's staying out of parenting. She's apologised for everything. I'm not harbouring any resentment. Could things be better? Yeah. Our communication is just there. It's not good or bad. Kind of shrugging that off. I'm indifferent.

We know where we've been, and we're not going back there. Can only go up from here. I'm still hanging in there and fighting for our marriage. The good news is I'm not fighting on my own. It's what it is. Much calmer. More collected. Feeling more in control. Still tuning out quite a bit.

My words are running short, so until I log in and feel like posting something, I'm out. Peace.

Last edited by Matt; 06-17-2013 at 03:06 AM.
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  #54  
Old 09-25-2013, 11:00 AM
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I haven't been on in three months. Serious changes have taken place.

We've now settled in Australia, and the royal cupcake did, too. Unwanted tagalong is more like it. I digress. The first weekend here proved why a relationship with Ryl and her ex-girlfriend would never work. She put her girlfriend before family time, and by the time she strolled in, the kids were getting ready for bed. I had to explain to them why their mum wasn't there, and I think that was the turning point for my baby girl and her relationship with pseudo mummy. More on that later.

I got in to another confrontation with my lady's ex-girlfriend. She decided to grow some balls and confront me while we were entertaining our guests. In public, no less. I tried to turn the other cheek, but when she popped off at the mouth and asked me why I wasn't letting her see her kids, I had to correct her. The first argument paled in comparison because that was months worth of frustrations coming out. I couldn't bite my tongue another second longer, so I let her have it. After that display, my Mrs. decided she wanted to cut contact. She felt disrespected and shamed.

After that blow-up, the royal snowflake sent my Mrs. an e-mail and confessed to everything I told my wife from 2008 to present day. You know the whole I-think-your-girlfriend-is-intentionally-undermining-me-as-a-parent-using our children-trying to replace me-and-trying-to-break-up-our-marriage. I wanted to tell her, "I told you so," but that was inappropriate. I dislike her ex-girlfriend, and I wanted to legally make sure she could have no access to me or my kids after her outburst. To be continued on that.

The kid decided to give a nice fuck you to my Mrs.'s ex-girlfriend. For her own reasons and following her heart, she decided that a relationship with pseudo, makeshift mummy isn't what's in her best interest. She's not impressionable, and I never said anything about the royal snowflake in front of her or even while she was in the home. I kept my opinions to myself. She told pur therapist that she didn't want or need another mother, and she felt like makeshift mummy was taking her mother away from her. Our therapist told her we could do one of two things. Force her to be around my wife's ex-girlfriend and run the risk of resentment or accept that she has opinions and respect them. Doc explained that she came to us with her grievances, which meant she thought about how to do it in a respectful manner and trusts that we'll listen and respect her. No contact it is. She's a beaming, happy, well-adjusted gifted kid, who's doing well...even without makeshift mummy around.

My Mrs. came to me with a proposition. I heard her out. The proposition was that we amend the postnuptial agreement by including an infidelity-esque clause that specifically included non-monogamy--open relationship, polyamory, swinging, or anything outside of exclusivity in the marriage. It wasn't my idea before anyone thinks I persuaded her to do anything. Last time I was on here, I gave my boundaries for ever tolerating a polyamorous relationship. I needed time and our marriage to me on the mend before ever entertaining the notion again. The lady had other plans that didn't include polyamory. We negotiated on the terms. I requested that the clause apply to me, too. The documents are official and finalised.

Is the marriage closed permanently? I can't say. My Mrs. presented her reasons for wanting to close, and my name and feelings about polyamory were not on the list. She didn't do for me. She's been adamant about that and corrects anyone who implies it. I'll say that 60% had to do with protecting our kids. The other 40% were her personal reasons.

What's next? Only time will tell. Keeping the marriage healthy is at the top of the list. I love my wife, and I'm in love with her. She made some mistakes, but she's apologised and proven that she's willing to do what it takes to help save our marriage and earn my trust back. No one said relationships or marriage were easy. She routinely thanks me for putting up with her and apologises for me having to deal with her. She asked for time to make it right, and she has. She asked me to stay and work with her to correct the wrongs. An offer I couldn't refuse, and one I'll never regret.
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  #55  
Old 09-25-2013, 12:06 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Your post is so hard to read because it is dripping with venom. You are so bitter. That will eat away at you. I think your next step, Matt, is to learn how to truly forgive and move on. Otherwise, you come across as someone who is just mean and vindictive, and holding onto old hurts.
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  #56  
Old 09-25-2013, 12:46 PM
Matt Matt is offline
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Your post is so hard to read because it is dripping with venom. You are so bitter. That will eat away at you. I think your next step, Matt, is to learn how to truly forgive and move on. Otherwise, you come across as someone who is just mean and vindictive, and holding onto old hurts.
Bitter? Vindictive? Mean? That's words that describe her. I've forgiven as much as possible. I can't just overlook the recent developments and admissions. You act like I knew it all along. I suspected it with no hard evidence to match the suspicions. I could've proclaimed all of this until I was blue in the face, but it would have been like yelling in a soundproof room. This latest round of admissions just came out last month. I'm tired of people trying to make me out to be the big bad mean person. I got vilified for being right.

How would you feel if someone had plotted and planned for years to drive you away and was so jealous that they had zero qualms about ruining a marriage or causing pain along the way? How would you feel if you found out that someone used your kids as a way to get to you? You don't just get over that overnight and go on like it never happened. I'm happy she's out of my life. That's no secret. I won't hide that from anyone. Including her or my wife.

I'll forgive her when I'm ready and not a minute before. Right now? She's not worth forgiving. Nothing is eating away me. I'm going on with my life and living it. In the mean time, to hell with her.
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  #57  
Old 09-25-2013, 01:22 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I didn't have a hard time reading your post .....but I might be fluent in bitter


Forgive ....as far as we know her plan or disrepectful activities are still active.


Why is love capable of being in seperate boxes ....(the ability to love more then one ) and bitterness and or strong dislike /hate can't have the same privledge. Why do those have to be expunged....particularly if you have no contact or interaction...and want no contact or interaction.
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  #58  
Old 09-25-2013, 02:04 PM
Matt Matt is offline
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Snowflake will continue to be a sore spot. It's what it is. We're never going to be civil. Every time I've attempted to give her the benefit of the doubt, she presents a hundred reasons why it's a bad idea. Her true colours keep shining, and it's not a nice image. It's kind of like giving somebody enough rope to hang themselves. She keeps hanging herself, and I'm sure I'll get blamed for her falling out of favour with the Mrs.

I told her ex-girlfriend that I wanted to be left alone, but she kept sending me messages and asking if we could talk. Another broken boundary. She figured I was pulling the strings and making decisions like not allowing her to see the kids. Little did she realise, I wasn't the one. To this day, I never once told or even asked my wife to end the relationship. I saw what she was doing, and I still chose to leave and left her find out herself. I never told my kid she couldn't see her. She decided to end that relationship and cut contact. I never told my wife she couldn't be friends with her. The only thing I've stood by is keep her the hell away from me.

This last situation was the final straw. It was more proof that respecting boundaries isn't something she cannot do. We had the same problem when she was in a relationship with her. I used to ask her to call before just dropping by. She would show up unannounced anyway. If she can't respect the little things, I'd be a fool to expect her to respect anything major. They were just friends, and she was already heading down the same path. I stopped it before it could pick up steam and speed. I don't want a redo of the past five years. I'll leave and take her to court for custody first.

I had previously agreed to seek therapy with her, so we could try to get along and at least be cordial, so I'm not mean. I've been too forgiving in the past, and it always burned me. Never again. The minute I forgive her, she'll do something to top all the other efforts. In three months, there was a shift. I went from having boundaries to tolerate polyamory to wanting no contact or interaction for any reason.

Last edited by Matt; 09-25-2013 at 02:09 PM.
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  #59  
Old 09-25-2013, 11:06 PM
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I've been following both your blog and your wife's blog here, so I know that at least the two people most closely involved with the situation are in agreement about what's been going down. I've stated it on Ry's blog so I'll say it here, I think you tried to repress your reservations for a long time until it just exploded. So, if I perceive any bitterness in your posts, that's what I ascribe it to.

I think forgiveness and trust are two different things. You can forgive someone (not wish them ill will) without allowing them inside your boundaries again, or steering yourself into their whirlpool. Si needs to learn from the experiences of the past decade, and proceed with her own life. You and Ry have been doing much better together since transitioning to a monogamous relationship. I see no reason to fight that.

I actually think your latest posts are a fair sight less bitter than any earlier posts I can think of, so I think you are getting over it, in your own time and in your own way.

I think the best thing you can do is focus on the good things you have in your marriage right now. The bad things seem to be fading into the past (like a bad dream). And perhaps it is some consolation to know that you can trust your own instincts.

Thanks for keeping us posted on how things are going from your end of the spectrum.

Regards,
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  #60  
Old 09-26-2013, 01:07 AM
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I reached my breaking point before this year. The kid's birth and the complications with the pregnancy last year stifled that urge to leave temporarily. I owed it to him to try and stay. I loathed the whole interdependent(?) model. That was her vision. I could've done without ever meeting my wife's ex-girlfriend. It worked because I didn't have to be around her, and it wasn't for the purpose of pretending that we had a monogamous marriage. That relationship had nothing to do with me.

If I had asked her to end the relationship, people would've told me I was being controlling. What right did I have to interfere in her business? Some on here would say it wasn't my business or my right. How was I going to combat that? Despite the fact that it impacted my life and marriage, according to some, I still would've been wrong to say anything. I can't get with that logic.

I'm focusing on the marriage and the kids. It's been positive for the most part. I'm just not used to her being around. It's odd walking in day after day and seeing her. I'm used to walking in to an empty house. It's odd when she listens to me and cares what I have to say. She's on a trip right now, and ironically, this feels more like normal than her being here every day. The only difference is I have one kid instead of both, and we're actually talking.

I don't know how long it's going to take to stop feeling like the single father with a wife on paper and get used to being a married father with a healthy marriage and a wife who's present, giving 100% effort, and not allocating me 20% of her time.

Just giving it some more time to settle.
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