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Old 03-01-2010, 10:23 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Default Abuse

I read something in an article lately that was shocking to me.

Judith Lipton (author of the myth of monogamy) apparently stated that most people she interviewed who approach non-monogamy in their partnerships were once victims of abuse.

This caught my eye. I was a victim of abuse, mentally and physically, and am still recovering from it. It has crossed my mind if this has something to do with me exploring polyamory. And then I read this! Ack. It really made me think!

So - just a general question: Are there many victims of abuse on here as well, and regardless what are your thoughts on this
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Old 03-01-2010, 11:37 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi RS,

To me, in my experience dealing with MANY people open to discussing such things I've found this.

1> There have been people abused
2> There are people who WANT to feel abused - but weren't.
3> There are people who WERE abused but never realized it - no impact until someone put a light on it.
4> There were people who weren't abused, but maybe should have been (depending on your definition of 'abuse')

It's all really a convoluted mess, tangled up in religion, societies' rules about sexual conduct, mass media etc etc etc.

Whenever I get brought into such discussions I try to ask.......
How would it have been viewed (whatever the claim) in 5000 BC ?

Something like that.

GS
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Old 03-01-2010, 11:43 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Hi RS,

To me, in my experience dealing with MANY people open to discussing such things I've found this.

1> There have been people abused
2> There are people who WANT to feel abused - but weren't.
3> There are people who WERE abused but never realized it - no impact until someone put a light on it.
4> There were people who weren't abused, but maybe should have been (depending on your definition of 'abuse')

It's all really a convoluted mess, tangled up in religion, societies' rules about sexual conduct, mass media etc etc etc.

Whenever I get brought into such discussions I try to ask.......
How would it have been viewed (whatever the claim) in 5000 BC ?

Something like that.

GS
I am confused about this post.

Who are the many people? In what context?
does 1-4 relate to poly sites/ people?
Are you trying to define abuse?
and what do you mean bring it back to 5000 BC?

To be honest - I don't understand how this relates to the question about abuse coinciding with open relationships.

RS
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Old 03-02-2010, 12:07 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I was going to respond and say I have never been abused...however within anything there is perception. If I told someone some of the things that occured to me in my life, they may tell me I was abused. I don't personally believe it however.

RS I believe it is showing that a simple reference to abuse=poly/bdsm etc isn't simple, because classifying and understanding abuse is not as easy as it looks. Thats my take anyways
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Old 03-02-2010, 04:20 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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When I hear things like this, my first thought is "define abuse." Is it a spanking? A cousin being inappropriate? Is it years of molestation? Is it being yelled at over and over while growing up? It seems more of an anecdotal observation than real evidence if it is not fully defined.

But I am not saying it is false either. I could see reasons why they would be correlated. For example, if someone is sexually abused, normal relationships may not seem so normal and they may be more willing to be less tied to social norms. Or maybe if someone were abused, they rather spread out their love than to put all their love in one proverbial basket.
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Old 03-02-2010, 04:34 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I have to second/third the "how do you define abuse" thought.

I don't know that there is ANYONE on the planet who hasn't EVER been abused in one way or another...............
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Old 03-02-2010, 06:44 AM
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Really?
You think that it is that hard to define abuse?

I think that you could make a short list as to what you thought was abusive, and these lists would correlate to a large degree. Alot of it does have to do with society at the time, it is true.

BUT - I have seen people jump on the abuse bandwagon here regarding posts of some people in their relationships. It seems that for many abuse is clear enough to be identified when brought up in this forum.

If you cannot identify what abuse is to you - how do you protect yourself from it? How do you protect your friends? How does child protective services work then? What is classified as spousal abuse and warrants counseling or even restraining orders? What about torture?

I have a feeling you all can define abuse clearer. ESPECIALLY for yourselves. If you are a survivor of abuse - you might be able to contribute to this thread.


Think about it.

Last edited by redsirenn; 03-02-2010 at 06:47 AM.
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Old 03-02-2010, 07:21 AM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
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Would you have a link to the article redsiren? I'm curious to read it and see if she's able to quantify any of her results as part of some kind of study or if she's just making a general observation.
If I could throw my two cents in... I think some of the posts stating that most of us have experienced abuse in some form or another in our lives is somewhat fair to assume. I think what may be a factor is the severity of the abuse and/or if it's chronic.
I was severely verbally abused growing up and probably should have been removed from my home, but I never told anyone until my adulthood. My husband experienced some verbal abuse as well, perhaps not as extreme though. I'm unsure if my boyfriend has experienced any kind of abuse, none that he's mentioned.
I think a more poignant area to research would be how many people who are poly come from mono families with divorced parents... In my case, all 3 of us have divorced parents, and all of the divorces were especially difficult for all involved.
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Old 03-02-2010, 08:00 AM
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I'm sure if anyone digs deep enough, they can find an example of either experiencing or witnessing and being affected by abuse.

I was never abused physically or sexually, I was not mentally manipulated or yelled at. I think I only ever got one spanking, and I freaked out and told my mom never to do that again, and she felt so guilty that she didn't. One time, the neighbour kid's mom smacked him and her hand went wide and she ended up getting me a bit too. I ran home and told my mom, and she marched over there and gave that neighbour lady royal shit. I had friends who had to fetch the leather belt for their dad whenever they were caught misbehaving, and even then I couldn't fathom the horror of the idea.

My parents did swear a lot, some would call that abusive. They yelled and screamed at each other when I was home. I didn't like it, and some people would call that abuse even though it wasn't directed at me. But if Child & Family services took away every kid whose parents yelled at each other, well there would be a lot more overloaded group homes and foster parents than there already are.

Incidentally, besides people relating abuse victims to non-monogamy, they also relate it a lot to BDSM. I know in the anecdotal evidence I've collected, a lot of the masochists I've personally met were in fact given corporal punishment as children.
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Old 03-02-2010, 01:57 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
I am confused about this post.
.............
To be honest - I don't understand how this relates to the question about abuse coinciding with open relationships.

RS
Yea- sorry about that RS (and group),

I was just coming off a big philosophical debate and was still in that "mode" when I popped in here. It carried over.

I do see others "got it" however.
Basically the term itself (abuse) is too broad to have a coherent discussion around without scattering all over the place.

We'll see where it goes......

GS
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