Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 09-20-2013, 08:32 PM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 585
Default

Well, apparently I have a small cervix. Sexy, no? I got the diaphragm prescription, but the pharmacy had to order it, so I can pick up on Monday.

I was told I could do an IUD if I wanted, but that it could be difficult and hurty to insert since I hadn't had a pregnancy. I decided against it, since I can always get one if the diaphragm ends up not being all that great.

Bad news is that my insurance won't cover it, but we have cash in our flex account so it's all good.

The gyno office was standard blue and brown paint, calming colors. The cool thing was that the exam table stirrups had these hot pink booties! It was festive looking and made me happy. I did miss having my boyfriend there, but I survived.
__________________
Unapologetically Poly

Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight, Girlfriend to PunkRockAwesomesauce
My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 09-22-2013, 01:53 AM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 585
Default

Today was an interesting day. Super fun, because my husband, my youngest daughter and I were out at a state park event where we worked and played together as a team. However, I've also had some anxiety because I haven't heard much from M at all. We missed each other on chat this morning, and all I got was a short, 'leaving now, love ya.' He was playing a series of gaming tournaments the whole day, for a charitable cause. I sent him a couple of messages over the course of the day, but didn't expect anything back, since he was competing. I was bummed not to hear from him at lunch or dinner though. And at the end of the day, he updated his Facebook page but didn't respond to anything I had said to him. Much later he wrote directly to me, saying that he had bad signal all day. That was it.

I felt good that I was distracted with my fun event, or I might have been emotional. I don't know why I get so insecure when I don't hear from M. This was stupid. Clearly he was busy having a fun day too, and rather than feeling glad about it at the time, I was feeling anxious. I haven't looked at my needs list to try to figure out what bullshit was bothering me, but that is clearly what it is.

Tomorrow is my 36th birthday. I wish I didn't have to celebrate it. My ex didn't ever buy me gifts when I was with him - 12 years - and I always felt disappointed and forgotten then. My husband now makes me a carrot cake from scratch, so I feel nurtured by him, and I feel like he is nurturing in that way, which I am very grateful for- I am so lucky. I like knowing that I won't ever have to be disappointed by what he didn't do, or if he spent money we couldn't afford. That carrot cake is delicious and dependable and everything I need. With M, I am actually scared about what he is planning. Meaning, I don't know what he is planning, if anything at all. I know he bought me something, because he keeps making references to it, but he also has been self-depreciating about it as well, saying that it isn't all that huge and he hopes he doesn't disappointment me.

I told him the other day, I wish we could never talk about my birthday again. I both desperately need an acknowledgement from him, so I can feel secure that I won't be abandoned like my ex did each year, but I also really need him to not make a big deal about it, because I feel uncomfortable. What if he disappoints me? I don't want to have him disappoint me - the thought is a lot scary, actually. It is stupid to worry about this. I am seeing him on Monday, a day date.

Honestly, I don't like these needy feelings that are coming out of me lately. I don't think they are attractive, and M shouldn't have to deal with my baggage. Clearly I am carrying more than I thought.
__________________
Unapologetically Poly

Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight, Girlfriend to PunkRockAwesomesauce
My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 09-22-2013, 01:55 PM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 585
Default

I took a Love Language quiz this morning and scored an 11 in Physical Touch. (12 is the highest score.) I was not surprised by this.

Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.

Yeah, this is definitely me. My secondary is Quality Time.

Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.

I had my husband take the quiz, and physical touch was in last place for him! I could have guessed that, actually. Quality Time and Acts of Service were his highest love languages. I am interested to see what M's would be.
__________________
Unapologetically Poly

Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight, Girlfriend to PunkRockAwesomesauce
My Online Journal

Last edited by Bluebird; 09-22-2013 at 02:08 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 09-24-2013, 12:18 AM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 585
Default

Ha! M scored highest in Quality Time, and then Physical Touch.

We had a great day together - we spent about an hour in the morning at Starbucks, just the two of us, and the we were joined by his best friend. I drove us all to go play WarMachine at a gaming store nearby. I'd never played before, but it is a HUGE part of M's life. So, I figured I would give it a go. I've played other table-top games before, so the mechanics were easy to grasp, but holy crap is it going to take a while to get comfortable with all the army options!

Anyway, we spent the entire day there, and then back to M's town, where we dropped his friend off and then snuggled in the park for a half hour before he had to go. I am glad we got some alone time.

He gave me a birthday present - so sweet! Apparently there is a miniatures game involving Game of Thrones, and he bought me Caitlin Stark, who he knew was my favorite character. He spent 20 hours painting her! Crazy man. It's what he does though. I appreciate how much effort he put into it for me. Seriously, wow!

On the way home today I just could not stop thinking about how much I love this man, and how lucky I am to have him in my life.

I was crazy horny too - he got me super fired up in the park, but left me hanging because we didnt have a place or the time to be intimate. Luckily, my husband was fine with stealing M's thunder and giving me his penis tonight. Thank goodness, because I was about to go crazy. I told M, and he was happy for me. I feel bad for him though, because he told me earlier he hadn't had sex with his wife in a long while. I can't imagine why not! He is so generous and giving and loving in bed. I want him all the time. He deserves lots of attention.

He is coming for an overnight on Wednesday, so I am excited about that, and he will get plenty of attention from me, for sure. It feels like forever since I've been under him, indoors. Oh yes, I can't wait!
__________________
Unapologetically Poly

Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight, Girlfriend to PunkRockAwesomesauce
My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 09-24-2013, 06:38 PM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 585
Default

Got my diaphragm today but the grocery store didn't stock spermicide, so I had to go to the drugstore to buy some. Total cost - $68 for the diaphragm, $15 for the spermicide. Not terrible. My flex account covered the the diaphragm cost at least!

I received a flyer and coupons in the mail from the casino resort nearby and I can get a room for $99, but looking at the schedule, tomorrow is logistically the only day that will work. I am going to talk to D and see if he minds if M and I go tomorrow night, instead of the overnight at our house as planned. We had been planning to go play bar trivia, but we can do that any time. I am excited at the idea, but I need to think about the logistics and finances. It would be hella fun though! M says he hasn't ever been to a casino! I go maybe twice a year tops, just for kicks. The cool thing about the coupon is that it includes $10 in free play at the casino, so bonus!
__________________
Unapologetically Poly

Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight, Girlfriend to PunkRockAwesomesauce
My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 09-24-2013, 07:18 PM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 585
Default

Feh. Just looked at my bank balance and it's lower than I thought. So much for fun and frolic at a casino tomorrow! When I add in the gas, taxes, food and fees, I can't cover it all. Lame.

Oh well, our original plans are still full of fun!
__________________
Unapologetically Poly

Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight, Girlfriend to PunkRockAwesomesauce
My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 09-27-2013, 12:06 AM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 585
Default

A great couple of days with M!

He taught my son to play WarMachine and now we are planning to all go together to play on Sunday.

Last night we played trivia together with a friend and did really well - 2nd place most of the night until the final, which we missed so we ended up fourth. My husband plays on another team, so it was fun to beat him. Lol My failed poly relationship partner is on my husband's team, and M said he felt as though that guy was radiating a type of tension when he came over and talked to us. I didn't really notice, but M said he thought the guy was putting off a vibe like he didn't approve of M. Like, he doesn't want me back, but he would rather me not be with anyone. I thought that was interesting.

We stayed after trivia at the bar to play sex trivia, and we won! What was crazy was that near the end, this guy at the bar pulled M away from me and they were talking a little way off. I thought M knew him. It turns out the guy wanted to know if we were swingers, because he was there with two girls, and thought we would like to join them for fun! M explained that we were polyfi, but he said he didn't think the guy understood. Later, my husband said he thought the guy was prolly too drunk to understand. Lol he also wanted to know why the guy didn't ask him - he would have swapped me for two chicks! This was a joke. I think this exchange made M feel happy, because he has with me, what other people want. Interesting. Another team of all guys were flirting hard with me most of the night too. I was feeling very desirable, that's for sure.

M is such an amazing lover! I cannot even count the number of orgasms I had last night - nor describe the different intensities. It must suffice to say he is just wonderful at keeping my body buzzed. He told me today that last night was easily, easily the best sex he has ever had in his life. I am not sure why he would say that! I mean, it was an amazing session for me, but he again had difficulty achieving orgasm. It seems to cause him stress and anxiety. I try to be supportive, because for the most part, it's a win for me - our time together is fluid and fun and longer-lasting because there's no male orgasm to signal the end of our encounter. I think that is fantastic! I do believe there is an anxiety there for him though, that he is disappointing me by not being able to finish in a traditional way. I am hoping by saying that he thought it was the best sex ever he means he is feeling more relaxed about that.

He was able to finish in my mouth after taking matters in his own hands. I know he was really wanting to finish inside me, but it didn't work out that way.

Oh! My diaphragm- it worked great. My first attempt at inserting it had it all kinda wonky; I could definitely feel it was not where it was supposed to be. I had to pull it out and squatting to place it inside worked much better. I didn't feel it at all after that. Overall, it was easy.

I can't lie - I had really hoped M would be able to finish inside me. Just that something, you know, to do that. But I cannot say it was a huge letdown, because it wasn't! It will happen eventually, or not. All I know is that last night was incredible.

M is really a perfect partner for me in so many ways. He was trying to explain though, that he thinks I am out of his league, as was my ex poly partner (though he believes that guy was much, much more beneath me than I should have ever considered). I find M sexually stimulating, conversationally talented and all-around wonderful. I don't know why I wouldn't want to date him!
__________________
Unapologetically Poly

Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight, Girlfriend to PunkRockAwesomesauce
My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 09-27-2013, 05:27 PM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 585
Default

I am enjoying a quiet day at home - I changed back into pajamas after bringing my son home from his work so I can be comfortable as well as lazy. I need some calm in my life.

Today I am feeling lots of warm fuzzy feelings. It seems incredible to think about how loved I am by both D and M. It is so wonderful! I wish M was here so I could wrap around him and feel his skin against mine. My husband works from home, so I will get a snuggle in with him in about a half hour, when he has his break time.

Life is good.
__________________
Unapologetically Poly

Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight, Girlfriend to PunkRockAwesomesauce
My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 09-28-2013, 12:53 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,771
Default

Happy for you!

My bf has trouble cumming in my vagina too. But he's 60 and has an enlarged prostate. Like M, though, he has no trouble getting hard, staying hard, fucking for a long time, and has many other sex skills as well. I think in 1 3/4 yrs of our relationship, he's cum in my vag 4 or 5 times, and if we've had sex sessions of one kind or another 5 times a week, that works out to hundreds of times we've fucked. He doesn't even care if he cums, pleasure-wise. It's all about the journey for him. I mean, he does need to cum because if he gets hard and stays hard too long, he can get blue balls which is quite uncomfortable. But he is definitely not focused on his own orgasm.

I almost want to start a poll about this!
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 09-28-2013, 07:32 PM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 585
Default

That is really interesting - it is nice to hear I am not alone in this! I mean, I know I am not, but you know what I mean.

Today has gotten really shitty. M messaged me earlier, asking if I would mind if he spent Wednesday with a friend instead. He would still sleepover Wednesday night, but our entire date day for the week would be gone. This obviously has caused me some anxiety. We went back and forth for a while, but then he told me I was inflating the importance of it and he needed to do other things.

So, I showered, cried and then wrote out my feelings. I didn't send them though, because I am not confident I wouldn't get dumped. Especially since my period will be here any minute, so that means I could be overreacting. Sigh. I just sent him a message asking if we could meet an hour earlier tomorrow, so we could talk. He saw, but didn't respond.

Yeah, I don't know what to do with myself now. D is taking me out tonight after we drop our daughter at a sleepover, so hopefully that will help me to compartmentalize things.

Here is what I wrote:

Wednesdays are important to me. When you ask me to give them up to someone else and not reschedule the time lost, it makes me feel like I am not a priority.

I originally rescheduled my kids' therapy appointments off of Wednesdays, in order to give you Tuesdays with S.

Last week I was asked to give up Wednesday for S., but I saved it by offering Monday instead and driving to Glen Burnie.

This week I am asked to give Wednesday up again, but I am not able to recover that time at all.

I feel like I am not allowed to say no to these requests.

I feel like if I asked for the same consideration, you would say no.

I have said several times that one overnight and one full day are my minimum requirements in order to consider someone a primary in my life. I feel like when you cancel our main date day, you are saying you would rather not be a primary. This belief is increased dramatically when you don't offer alternative scheduling.

I love you so fucking much.

I cannot continue to make scheduling with you a priority, if I am not being given the same consideration. It hurts.

If I continue to make you a priority when I am not receiving the same consideration, I am doing serious damage to my self-esteem.

My self-esteem has recent enough damage that I can't handle being less than. In the past, I probably could have weathered it better, but I am not there now.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

I love you.

I need you to hear me on all of this.

I need you to show me that you consider me a priority. I hear you saying it, but I am not seeing it. I am not feeling it.

************************

Yeah, I am at the emotional point now that I love him too much to want to cut him out, but I love me too much to continue to be hurt. Last week and this week - I kinda wanna reactivate OKC and find someone who 1-lives closer than 40 minutes away, 2-has a car, 3-has a place where we can be intimate, and 4-makes scheduling with me a priority.

I do know he cares about me though. When we are together, I have zero doubt. He is SO perfect, in so many ways. But when we are apart, shit, sometimes I feel less than the least person in his life.

Is it wrong to want more than that? Maybe my expectations for poly are set too high, even for polyfi.

Hopefully he can give me some time tomorrow so we can talk through this. I do not want to break up with M. I really do love him very much.
__________________
Unapologetically Poly

Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight, Girlfriend to PunkRockAwesomesauce
My Online Journal
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:14 PM.