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Old 09-17-2013, 02:46 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 528

Marriage is a legal contract. I would suggest reading the laws of your state / country regarding marriage and THEN think if you want to make that kind of contract with someone. Would that benefit you in some way? Also, some states / countries have laws against poly living (bigamy, adolescence). Find out about those and then think again. In many places only legal marriage will have you in collision course with the laws if practising poly. Also, I would recommend knowing about divorce laws before the marriage - relationships do not necessarily last forever.

Just my 2 cents.

I myself married my husband after that kind of consideration. There was no less commitment before the marriage, we just found some of the legal stuff to be beneficial for us.
sharing my everyday life with
CJ: legal husband and
Mark: partner
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Old 09-17-2013, 06:57 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,786

I am only legally married for the health benefits. Butcher is a government employee and the benefits are awesome .

A piece of paper from the government bears no designation on my commitment or the depth of my love for either man in my life.
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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Old 09-17-2013, 09:32 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,444

I am poly, and only interested in committed relationships.

If she does not want any commitment, and you do, then yes, this is a problem (and it has nothing to do with polyamory. If you wanted commitment and she didn't and it was monogamy, it would be the same. It's an incompatibility issue).

If you don't know how she stands on commitment, ask her. Talk about it. Tell her you want relationships to go wherever they will, possibly until such common "milestones" as moving together, raising children together or getting married.

Your only problem here is you'll only be legally married to one person at a time. But there are many poly people who consider more than one person their spouse. Some are legally married to one of them, some are legally married to none. Figure for yourself how you would feel about that, then talk with her, both to let her know your point of view on the matter and to figure out hers.

While you're at it, also figure out how you feel about her having other committed relationships, other husbands, how you would feel with living with one of them if they want to live together, etc. It's possible that none of it will happen, but if she's on the same page with you she might want the same thing for herself.
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Old 09-17-2013, 09:57 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Hi and welcome

In a few yrs you'll want more. More means what ? Also the assumption is in a few yrs she'll want ( more ) and marry you vs Steve or joe. Then you got the whole hierarchy thing to deal with.

LR .....that's a little misleading on your history.....youre painting a 20yr poly history.....left out the cheating, etc.
I refuse to re-type it all via my phone DH-but I figure it's all written here and I log in by computer frequently enough to rehash details.
At any rate-yes, I did cheat and that is how we got to the term poly and opting to change our lifestyle to a fully honest one.
But we were already living together and long before Maca and I married-we were co-raising children.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 09-18-2013, 12:36 AM
Dianthus Dianthus is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 11

To steal a line from Tom Robbins, "Marriage isn't a synonym for monogamy any more than monogamy is a synonym for ideal love."

I'm married. I married my husband because I chose to privilege that relationship in certain ways -- not to make it 'better' than any other relationships I have, but to make it in some ways a different kind of relationship. A lot of that is about the legal binding and entertwining of our lives; he's on my health insurance, he can travel with me for work when I work outside the country, we've committed to being the shared legal and biological parents of our children. Most of the reasons that I can only share those things with one person have to do with culture and laws, but we decided to go with that when we got married. We chose that the two of us are going to build a certain kind of family together and share our dreams in certain ways.

We did NOT say that we were going to commit only to one another. We're not into trying to yardstick our feelings or commitment levels or emotions. There are absolutely certain ways that my relationships outside of my marriage are privileged that my marriage is not. Every relationship is different and is going to get it's own set of privileges and drawbacks and take up it's own space in your life. Don't try to box things in before they've even begun.
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Old 09-18-2013, 08:07 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 364

Originally Posted by Neutralwind View Post
I'm just worried (since this is my first poly relationship) that the relationship someday may hit a point where I try to advance it and it is rejected due to her never wanting commitment. I fully support her and her other relationship. I'm friends with the man, great guy, but Is it common for people to plateau poly relationships and keep them just as "dating"?
I dont consider being poly to be never wanting committment. I feel committed to both my husband and my boyfriend for different reasons. My husband i share a home, finances, children, a long relationship and the agreement to strive to never divorce so we are married (though we were married before poly). My boyfriend Nudge, i feel committed to being with him, meeting his needs, etc. I actually i am so satisfied with the two of them, im interested in nothing else but fully believe in a poly lifestyle. does wanting solely two make me any "less" poly?
I dont think wanting to marry someone means you dont want to be poly or not, but maybe look to yourself if the need for it comes from any insecurity? you can have a lot of the htings Ive just said without being married. When im feeling insecure, I want Nudge to forsake dating (hes married) so im the *only* girlfriend, but thats my problem not his
keep on keeping on
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Old 09-19-2013, 05:09 AM
Neutralwind Neutralwind is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 3

Thank you everyone for the feedback. My first post may have come off incoherent and well...jumbly, but The issue is resolved. I learned I was generalizing Polyamory as a "no commitment" thing and learned everyones form of Polyamory is different and has their own unique rules. Me and my partner talked and it's settled. Long story short, I work ALOT and sat/sun is our only time together. A friend of hers made a comment that made me feel like "Mr. Weekend" and nothing more, and thus made me make assumptions that i knew were wrong and would never happen with the trust I have for her. As for the Marriage issue I was not in any means wanting to take that leap yet, I just wanted to know if she has closed the option off in her life. (I got my answer)

I'm glad everyone here is very willing to help and endure poly "first timers" like myself. The help does not go unappreciated.

Btw, how does one close a topic once resolved? I can't find the option. Moderators only can I guess?
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Old 09-19-2013, 08:39 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,392

They are generally left open. You don't have to keep track of it if you don't want to.
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Old 09-20-2013, 12:12 AM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 364

im really curious what her take on marriage was....
keep on keeping on
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Old 09-20-2013, 05:26 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,153

I read this at first glance as 'Poly possibly being 'committed!'. Made me laugh.
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