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Old 09-18-2013, 07:54 PM
monogamishSF monogamishSF is offline
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Question Whatís your experience with partnersí first-time sleepovers/overnights?

RECAP (skip this section if you like; may be better suited for the how-are-you-doing thread):

G and I spent a year since this post rebuilding trust. It’s one of the hardest things we’ve had to get over (if not the single hardest thing so far).

We now live in separate apartments, and that has been spectacular for us, though scary at first. It feels right this way, and we're still madly in love and take better care if each other and our feelings than we used to. So, growing!

G has been amazing, admitting she neglected my feelings during cheating, and is very patient with me re: trusting her with new partners. G has not had any solo partners, partly for lack of time, and partly in the interest of healing our primary relationship.

Our relationship with K came to a close over the new year due to another honesty-related conflict, but I don't struggle with that loss anymore, it had to be so.

I have a femme-identified fwb “N” that I have a sleepover with once every couple months. For the most part, it is platonic, but G gives her blessing for N and I to hook up during these nights, should we feel so inclined. I love this. It’s fun and fulfilling but has minimal impact on my relationship with G. There isn’t room for romance with this hookup, as the dynamic for that isn’t present with me and N, so it feels like a very separate thing.

G and I have also had a few group hook-ups that were successful and drama-free.



WHERE I AM TODAY:

G met a new person online that she was interested in pursuing. A few months went by and they planned a first date. I had a family emergency during the date, so was quite distracted with that, and it passed smoothly. SUCCESS!!!! No tears, no fear, no panic, nothing. G had fun, new person is also in a 4-year primary relationship and is very respectful of ours. Win.

Second date happened last night. It was much harder for me. But I was better prepared; G and I had a really amazing, mature, transparent talk the night before. We laid out boundaries. I agreed that they could hook up, within certain parameters, and she agreed to those willingly. This was a HUGE step for me. I was scared, not 100% sure I was ready, but also not 100% sure I'd ever be 100% sure, so decided to bite the bullet and give this a shot. I am allowed to have other partners, I need to make moves to make it okay for G too. We've done a lot of work to get this far, so I decided it was time to let them have this opportunity and relinquish some control. I feel okay about that decision.

They went on their date, I had a bunch of friends over to my place, had fun, and barely thought about the date.

But when the friends left, the panic returned. It felt like nights from before, when G or partners before her weren't honest. Old wounds. I held my own, but I had a hell of a time sleeping (I barely did), and am kind of a wreck today. I do, however, see it passing in the future, just, it's fresh right now. I think I came out of this one relatively unscathed compared to previous situations with G and her partners. And I do feel more trust in her, and this time I am confident that she was appreciative of and held dear our agreements. So that feels good to be able to say.

Just, since this is my first time with her sleeping with someone else without me (with permission), I feel lots of feelings. I don’t even know if it’s jealousy as much as shellshock. I feel…. like I kind of wish they hadn’t hooked up. Even though I said they could. I don’t resent G at all for having made that decision, and I don't feel inclined to hold it against her. Which I think is a great thing. I just still feel the awful feeling I felt when my (pre-poly-era) partners were acting shady and staying out all night and lying. That didn’t happen this time, and I can rationalize that, but the emotions remain.

I did what everyone says: I took a hot bath, I made plans with friends, kept my mind off things, but when bed time came around, the feelings snuck up on me. I'm sure it's just that the healing process is always ongoing. I don't feel like this is a wall, I am proud that I left my comfort zone to support my partner's needs. I may need to request more check-ins next time, or postpone overnights until I'm comfortable with non-overnights (this was allowed to be an overnight, but the new person had a boundary against it).



QUESTION FOR THE FORUM:

What were your first nights alone like? If you struggled, how? How has it gotten better? G has been supportive as hell but I want to learn to help myself through this stuff, so any insight from the community is greatly appreciated.
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under-30 cis femme- and queer-identified female. in a primary relationship with G, genderqueer female, with separate apartments. I also have a FWB, N, that I see every few months. K is a member of a 2012 triad that has since ended.

Last edited by monogamishSF; 09-18-2013 at 07:54 PM. Reason: typo.
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  #2  
Old 09-19-2013, 05:55 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Default Huh?

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Originally Posted by monogamishSF View Post
What were your first nights alone like?
Honestly, what do you mean "alone"? Without your current primary partner? I've been without my partner, but I've never felt "alone." I always had myself and my interests...and I generally coordinated nights with my current partner(s). So, say I was with family....they would get a night of just one on one time.

After all, isn't the beauty of poly that no one ever really feels "alone"?
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Old 09-19-2013, 03:57 PM
monogamishSF monogamishSF is offline
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Default Not "alone," just solo.

I don't "feel alone." I actually have no problem being alone under other circumstances (I'm an introvert, I welcome that time, which is why we now live quite happily apart.) I did share great times with friends. When they left, there were pangs of.... not jealousy, maybe more.... heartache? It surprised me. Definitely residual of past issues with this partner and previous cheating partners. If I had to guess. It was those feelings coming back even though all agreements were upheld and all partners consented.

I'm hoping to get first-time perspectives. Often seasoned poly folk have trouble relating the early struggle. This was my first night sleeping *solo* while my partner was sleeping with someone else. Last time, it was non-consensual, so I'm tender. And even though we talked and I felt safe beforehand, the aftermath has been way harder than I expected. Maybe I wasn't ready? Or maybe you guys can relay your first time with a primary spending a night with someone else?
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under-30 cis femme- and queer-identified female. in a primary relationship with G, genderqueer female, with separate apartments. I also have a FWB, N, that I see every few months. K is a member of a 2012 triad that has since ended.
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Old 09-19-2013, 04:02 PM
monogamishSF monogamishSF is offline
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I should add that I require several nights per month to myself and dont otherwise struggle with sleeping by myself. It wasn't the lack of warm body that bugged me, it was old wounds that reared their ugly heads and my partner being unavailable to help, as her time that night was dedicated to new person.
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under-30 cis femme- and queer-identified female. in a primary relationship with G, genderqueer female, with separate apartments. I also have a FWB, N, that I see every few months. K is a member of a 2012 triad that has since ended.
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Old 09-19-2013, 10:41 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I tend to let it be known.

What I mean is, if Maca and or GG has an overnight planned (with or without a date); I will let my closest friends/families know.
What that does, is allow them to know that (at least one of) my primary "back up for emergencies" is not going to be here.

So if something comes up, whether emotional or physical, they aren't shocked if I call and need help.
I may just need to talk, maybe go for a walk, maybe a ride or someone to accompany me to take a kid to the hospital-whatever. It won't matter, because they are already attuned to the fact that my primary back up isn't in residence at the moment.

JUST KNOWING that helps a lot. Most of the time, I don't ever call. But, it's the sense that I COULD and someone would be there if I did.
Less dependent on Maca or GG to be the one I call.
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Old 09-20-2013, 06:50 AM
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Spokanepoly Spokanepoly is offline
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ugg my first night with my wife staying with her BF was terrible for me lol. I was a wreck and I didn't sleep at all. I wanted her to go and have fun but I just couldn't get it out of my mind and I couldn't seem to distract myself enough lol. I went and played pool for hours and went out to dinner instead of sitting home, couldn't find any friends to hang with at the time. I think I understand the feeling
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Old 09-20-2013, 02:26 PM
monogamishSF monogamishSF is offline
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Originally Posted by Spokanepoly View Post
ugg my first night with my wife staying with her BF was terrible for me lol. I was a wreck and I didn't sleep at all. I wanted her to go and have fun but I just couldn't get it out of my mind and I couldn't seem to distract myself enough lol. I went and played pool for hours and went out to dinner instead of sitting home, couldn't find any friends to hang with at the time. I think I understand the feeling

Thanks so much for this!! I feel a little less crazy now, but still the last couple days have been shaky. I assume it's gotten easier for you since that night? Did you learn anything from your struggle that helped you the next time? Or does it just get easier with time? Both? What was her return home like?
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under-30 cis femme- and queer-identified female. in a primary relationship with G, genderqueer female, with separate apartments. I also have a FWB, N, that I see every few months. K is a member of a 2012 triad that has since ended.
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Old 09-20-2013, 02:30 PM
monogamishSF monogamishSF is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I tend to let it be known.
I did let it be known. And i thanked them for being there and told them it helped a ton and i felt much better than I thought I would. I only freaked out later, once they all left. It was about 2am and I didn't really sleep the night.
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under-30 cis femme- and queer-identified female. in a primary relationship with G, genderqueer female, with separate apartments. I also have a FWB, N, that I see every few months. K is a member of a 2012 triad that has since ended.
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  #9  
Old 09-20-2013, 02:35 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I've been poly with my gf for nearly 5 years. I also experimented with poly for 6 months with my ex husband back in 1999-2000.

I won't lie, it's challenging to have them have that first overnight date. With my ex h it wasn't so bad, because we'd know the woman as a friend before he started dating her. (So, the first night wasn't so bad, though I had bad reactions to other aspects of the dynamic.)

With my gf, she's only had 2 bfs since we met. So only 2 first overnights. I was anxious both times. With the first guy, it was because it wasn't a planned overnight! She just didn't come home! I was OK with it til I got to her place at 10 am and she wasn't there. Turns out she missed the last bus home, her phone wasn't working and she was too shy to ask him for use of his phone or computer to let me know.

With the 2nd guy, I wasn't so much anxious about their overnight as I was about the whole relationship in general. This was over when I met the guy.

Now, fast forward to present day. I've got a bf of almost 2 years and just this summer he's started dating someone new. They've had 2 overnights and I am not feeling great about his attitudes towards dating others in general. He is "more poly" than I'd first thought. You can read the recent posts in my blog here for much more on that. Here's a link to the last page of it.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...?t=4162&page=8
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Old 09-20-2013, 03:01 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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The only time N has slept away from home was when he dis medical studies.I try to.stay busy, activities with friends or family , turn in early when he's gone. N doesn't like sleeping elsewhere so I doubt he would spend the night anywhere unless he was doing it to satisfy someone else but I imagine I would treat it like he was at a study
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