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Old 09-19-2013, 02:44 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
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To the people in my Butch's life we appear as a monogamous couple.

To the people in Murf's life we appear as a monogamous couple.

When everyone is together at things like my sons' football games I don't worry about what people think. My kids what both men there that is what happens.
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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Old 09-19-2013, 03:44 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Yes, I do think that being in a poly relationship, you need to be prepared for your spouse to fall in love with someone else, and for the relationship to change. I've seen plenty of examples on this board alone, and I'm watching my BF change, as a result of our relationship, in ways that are definitely impacting his marriage, and some of those changes are permanent.
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Old 09-20-2013, 10:43 AM
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qwair qwair is offline
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So, a status update if you'd like to read it.

Honestly, when posting the OP my main goal was to vent. I didn't expect anyone to give me a practical solution to my problem. Sometimes, though, strangers surprise you by understanding you very well. Other times they get what you say so completely off mark, that it makes you think and re-evaluate your perspective. In this case it was the latter.

In fact, it was this comment by Marcus:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Even as just a booty call I couldn't imagine wanting to be in that for long.
When I first read that, I literally laughed until it hurt. 'This guy thinks this is about the sex?!', I thought to myself, 'A and I haven't had that for like 10 months, even before she started her relationship with N!'.

But, that got me thinking. And after a lot of thought, talking with A, changing my perspective and talking again, we've reached a possible solution that I'm much happier with: She gets to be monogamous with N, and we get to stay friends.

This is most of what she wanted, and is practically the same situation we have now, but somehow changing the words around and defining it like that makes me feel much less like I'm involved with deceiving someone else, or in a relationship structure I find unethical. What a difference words can make

So in a weird way, thanks Marcus for your perspective And thanks everybody else for your thoughts and advice. This has been a positive surprise.
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Old 09-20-2013, 02:29 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by qwair View Post
'This guy thinks this is about the sex?!'
Not to ruin the moment, but I actually wasn't making any kind of assumption about your sex life. I was merely stating that this sort of arrangement doesn't sound like any kind of healthy relationship I'd want to be a part of. The only exception would possibly be if it were a very casual hook up (booty call).

Either way, I'm glad you got something out of our miscommunication.

Originally Posted by qwair View Post
we've reached a possible solution that I'm much happier with: She gets to be monogamous with N, and we get to stay friends.
Good for you. I'm glad you've come to a decision and that you feel clean about it. "Break ups" suck, but changing a relationship so that everyone is happier and healthier can be a wonderful thing.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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change, don't ask don't tell, long distance, poly

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