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  #161  
Old 09-19-2013, 02:02 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Originally Posted by CattivaGattina View Post
As much as I would want to say yes, I know I shouldn't and possibly end up getting hurt again, I can't. There's too much of me that not only wants but needs him in my life. I mean even to the point that I'm willing to allow limitations consistently put on our relationship as long as it means I get to be with him.

I wouldn't say he's my soul mate perse, but we make each other whole some way.
CG, I'm pulling for you. I hope you know that.

And now for the blunt part.

This is codependent and unhealthy. As long as you are willing to accept unhealthy limitations, unhealthy behavior, then you will be in unhealthy relationships (with Seven or with others).

I bolded the part above because I see this damaging idea everywhere. Two broken people in a relationship are still two broken people. They cannot fix each other. Seven cannot fix what ails you and you cannot cure him of his ills.

You are already a whole person. You can support each others movement towards growth and healing. You can make each other better in some way. But another person can never provide wholeness. That can only come from within.
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  #162  
Old 09-19-2013, 02:32 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is online now
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Reading that I realized I shouldn't properly express what I meant. Not whole like we aren't without each other but more of the concept of yin and yang. That while each has a little of what the other has in them er compliment reach other and make something better. One of the things we've used in joking terms is us being Velcro. We fit together.
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Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #163  
Old 10-04-2013, 12:06 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is online now
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Much less stressed relationship wise. Seven and I have been trying now for a month to at the very least connect with each other via text or FB messages and have face to face time a couple of times a week to see how each of us are doing and talk about our future together.

There have been a couple of faux paus on our parts. One day when I was hitting a breaking point of monetary stressors (lets just say I have more expenses, essential, than income that I had to figure out) he ended up kissing me and telling me to be at ease and safe with him. Then a couple of days ago, I gave him a hug good night which then resulted in about a half hour of power exchange between the two of us. Both of us really want to still be affectionate with each other, hold off on it because it hurts, and then if something happens it gets a little out of control.

Our most recent conversation dealt with me telling him earlier what my needs/wants I have realized during this break are.

Need 1) for our day to be switched back to a day both of us are off work so we can actually have time to let our relationship develop and grow. Having it only during the week by the time I would pick him up from work and we would be done cleaning up from dinner there would be maybe an hour or two before we would need to go to bed in order to connect. No opportunities to go out on a date or just be silly and that made me feel like a toy.

Want 1) when I first tried to mention this to him in early May he had stated that the only reason the two of us only had one day was because when we started dating he was also seeing Peaseblossum and didn't have the time to give more. Now that he was only with me and Lamian he didn't see why we couldn't have two days. So my want was for us to go back to a day that we were both off AND still keep our Wednesdays.

Need 2) both of us need the power exchange dynamic. It wasn't something either of us had been looking for or expected to need as much as we do but it turned out that way. However, I know that Lamian has a lot of discomfort regarding that (including what her place is in Seven's life if that is such a need of his and one that I fill because she can't) so my recommendation is that when we get back together start at her comfort line of just kinky sex with check ins ever other month until we can be at Woodsmith's limit (as long as it isn't something he has to see).

After telling him about them I asked to make sure I wasn't asking too much of him. His reply was that he wanted to be able to give me more than what I was asking but that time (particularly on his days off) is limited. Right now he and Lamian have some serious shit to take care of (and not even trying to figure out what the two of them get from each other) but once their drama dies down a bit he's going to talk to her about the fact that he's needing to be back with me so we can start things back up.

I'm curious what next week is going to bring. Lamian is going up to New York to work NYCC and I don't know how well he and I will be at keeping ourselves under control when the only other person here is one who has no problems (and hasn't ever) with our relationship.
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Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #164  
Old 10-04-2013, 10:15 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is online now
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Apparently he finally admitted that he doesn't know if we'll ever have the option to get back together. Now I'm waiting on him to give me the freedom to finally work on getting over him so if I do find someone else then I have that chance to move on when I feel like I can.
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Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #165  
Old 10-05-2013, 03:30 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is online now
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Honey stop this madness and heartache. You deserve so much better.
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #166  
Old 10-06-2013, 11:30 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CattivaGattina View Post
Now I'm waiting on him to give me the freedom to finally work on getting over him . . .
Your freedom isn't his to give! You are free now.

It's up to you. You can either hang on and wait for whatever crumbs get thrown your way, or start detaching and building a stronger foundation of self-esteem and confidence to be able to have fulfilling, nurturing relationships on YOUR terms. Why the hell wait for anyone to grant you permission for that???

No matter how much you love someone or want to serve them, it's your life to take charge of - no reason to wait!!!!
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
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  #167  
Old 10-07-2013, 08:37 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CattivaGattina View Post
Apparently he finally admitted that he doesn't know if we'll ever have the option to get back together. Now I'm waiting on him to give me the freedom to finally work on getting over him so if I do find someone else then I have that chance to move on when I feel like I can.
cindie is right.

From personal experience, the waiting around isn't healthy. I was doing too much of that and it caused stress in the relationship and to myself.

I do understand. It feels like waiting is what we should do. It doesn't feel like you're hurting yourself. However, there's a lot of missed opportunity when you're doing it, and that is definitely hurting yourself.
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  #168  
Old 10-07-2013, 10:09 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is online now
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So Seven actually is probably going to be moving to Indiana at the end of this month/beginning of next. He got offered a promotion that would put him there. No matter how things would go between us I can't do long distance so it is the end of that all.

There's a big part of me that wants to talk with him about us having a couple of days together just to get the closure we never got when the relationship ended (and to say goodbye to him in every way I can). So I probably will.

Also been working on a note to help understand and process my emotions about everything. So far I've just started but realized that my first desire for him was June of 2011, nearly a year before we got together.

I know I'll post it here. Once it's typed up I do want him to read it and let me know if it would cause any problems for him before I put it on FB or FL.

Still devastated and heartbroken (that feeling that part of my heart and part of my home is leaving). But at least now I feel like I can start working on getting myself to a point where I can move on, start a relationship, and then feel safe enough to become submissive again.
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Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #169  
Old 10-08-2013, 05:43 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is online now
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Default Note Part 1

What I typed up.

One of my best friends, my ex, and someone who I still (and probably always will) love immensely and care about deeply is highly likely leaving. Moving to a new city in a new state for his work. I'm glad that this opportunity came up for him but all I feel is sorrow and loss right now. I'm kinda doing this writing as some sort of way to process my emotions on everything.

I guess it would be the best to start out at the beginning of things. I met Seven and Lamian about 4 years ago through Woodsmith. Became friends with them and as time went on saw them as close friends, best friends, and family. I wanted to let them know things in my life and know about theirs. I wanted closeness with them, the type of thing where you make time as often as possible to hang out and just enjoy each otherís company.

Probably around 2 and a half years ago (June 2011), I realized that I was polyamorous. I spoke with Woodsmith about it and he agreed for me to have other relationships. The first people I thought of were Seven and Lamian. This is probably the point where mentally I knew that I felt about either of them as more than just friends. But I didn't know how difficult it would be for Woodsmith for me to be with another guy at first, I am bisexual (well more accurately pansexual), and I doubted that Seven felt anything like me that I did about him. So I explored a little with Lamian but eventually realized that there wasn't anything more than an attraction of just being friends.

Feb. 2012. Whatever emotions, desire, whatever that I was feeling towards Seven became really high. For the months between realizing I was poly and this I had gotten closer to him. Our friendship did deepen to the point that he was only the second person in my life that I would call a best friend. He and I became each other's confidants. And each time I found myself craving that closeness and intimacy. When I told Woodsmith about my attraction he actually gave me the courage to let Seven know. The day I did there was a decent amount of kisses passed. I also had a major panic attack that night that he was one of the people there who helped me through it.

March 2012. In fact it was the following weekend that Seven and I had sex for the first time. It was the start of something that became a very regular activity for the two of us. I still didn't know that I was feeling love for him and at that time we were pretty much lover-friends (a phrase I've found that just really sounds better than friends with benefits).

May 2012. This was the month (in fact the first weekend of that month) that the two of us realized that it was more than a sexual friendship between us. We told each other that we loved each other and he felt that since that weekend was when we realized there was more to it than what we thought it was our relationships anniversary.

Even from the time our relationship was just sexual he was an important figure in my life. He was my shaman, my lover, my boyfriend, my lord, and my dragon. I was his temple, his priestess, his pet, his. He was the yang to my yin. We were velcro together because we fit. I got him completely and he got me. He was home. I got to have the experience of having both sides of him (the person and the dragon) meld together for both to love me and I loved, cherished, and was devoted to both. I still am at the moment in actuality.

But there were problems, apparently in retrospect for all three of the women in his life. The two of us did probably end up getting wrapped up in each other in ways that caused the two of them pain.

For me the problems more came later. Actually when I agreed to move our day together from a day that allowed us to spend a decent amount of time together and then have intimacy/passion at night to one that the time for any sort of a relationship development to happen wasn't around. I know I tried at times to communicate that I needed that time but either it didn't come across well or he was unable or unwilling to provide and just never told me. I started to feel like a toy that was only around because he wanted to fill time when Lamian wasn't around.

Then the two of us realized something about our relationship. A power exchange dynamic had started really sinking in between us. It had always been there in small doses from the beginning but now it was becoming a part of us that both needed and craved. I knew I always felt like a submissive but with Woodsmith those feelings could never be expressed (he needs a fight). Seven always was able to just command my obedience and servitude. So it became more powerful and driven between us. And since I was unable to get the time I needed it actually made me start feel like I was important and special to him again.

I still craved the time though (still needed it) and requested it still. At one point I was told that there was no reason we couldn't have more time than just having our day changed and have two days. Again I had gotten an okay from Woodsmith but never any information came from Seven on his side. Something he then suggested was us having dates on a regular basis (this was brought up in May). However between the time it started and when we broke up there was only two of those dates. And both left me distraught because part of the reason I knew I still needed a longer day with more time was because I felt I was not allowed to be affectionate towards him if Lamian was home. I had been told by him that she thought I was all over him and since I didn't know how much affection was too much I didn't want to set her off.

But the power exchange dynamic proved to be a problem and despite my telling him I needed him more than it, he ultimately ended up ending our relationship due to it. I became a complete mess.

He and I had multiple conversations between the break-up and present day. He told me he missed me, he loved me, he wanted me back. I told him I felt the same and was willing to wait for him and I to be able to be back together. I was told there were some things he needed to work out but that afterwards he would work on us being able to be together. A few faux pas did happen in our actions together. Conversations became more intimate and close again. I was asked what my needs/wants were for us to get back together. I was told that my needs/wants were not too much and that he wanted to be able to even give me more than what I was asking. I had hope. Not just that it was a strong possibility that we would be able to get together, but also that things were going to be different this time and I would feel and know that I was important enough to have his time (particularly since Woodsmith and I were/are in the processes of finding a new place). Yes, I still got distraught and sad at times but that heartbroken feeling was gone.

Then I was informed that there wasn't a strong possibility, just a maybe possibly. And that he felt he had been leading me on. The heartbreak came back. A plan was to talk that evening. But a friend came over and any possibility for that conversation was halted. A request was made that he, myself, and Lamian have a chance to sit down and talk together.

At both ideas of conversation I knew what I wanted to say. I knew that with the three of us I would need to speak first, and mostly towards Seven, because most of my thing was a need to explain where I was at emotionally and mentally.
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Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #170  
Old 10-08-2013, 05:44 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is online now
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Default Note Part 2

Then the end of that weekend came and his work called with an offer for a promotion and a move. If he does get it, then there is no need for the talk because I can't do long distance and from what it sounds like the move would be very soon. If he doesn't than yes, I do hope for the conversation.

I feel torn about this. Because I still want to be with him and love him. That part would not happen if he moves. But I also know that if he doesn't move and I wait for whatever time the two of them think would work for it not to happen that heartbreak would come back and be harder to get over and move on than if he did move. But I'm terrified of either of them moving.

As I stated he is probably my second best friend in my life. Lamian is one of my closest friends. Because of all the things that happened during the relationship, my friendship with Lamian feels like it's been shattered. The same feeling is there in regards to my friendship with Seven since the breakup. I'm no longer really privy to things going on in their life. Time is not made for us to do things. There is no interest in my life. I feel like I'm nothing more than an acquaintance/roommate. All of that I miss. And I fear that if they move without at the very least this getting repaired it never will. They will move and the little connection we have from living together will fade. That there would be no effort or response on keeping in touch or making time to visit/see each other.

I've lost myself, I've lost a love that means the world to me, I've lost an ability to be who I am with someone. I'm now dealing again with the heartbreak of the end of a relationship that brought me immense joy and that I wish could have lasted much longer than it did. I fear I'm going to on top of that now lose my best friend and confidant and a close friend. I'm losing family even if they don't think of me that way anymore. Part of my heart and part of my home will be leaving.

I don't know where I am emotionally. I don't know where to go. I don't know what I prefer (for him to get the job or not). I know I wish the time since right before the break-up to now didnít happened and I was still with him. I want if he gets this job and does end up needing to leave a few days for us to be able to be with each other. I need the closure we didn't have from the break-up, the one last day/night together, and the ability to say good bye to him in every way before he's gone.

I also hope that my fears are unfounded and that somehow the friendships with both of them become what they were again.
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Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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