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  #11  
Old 03-01-2010, 01:14 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I never experienced the need to hyphenate every activity with “Mono” before so why do I have to start every event with the word “Poly” now?
Because being "mono" is a social default. People generally don't feel the need to specialize any activities around being mono because most activities are already designed to be that way. Anyone can bring a girlfriend or boyfriend to an event and not have to deal with a slew of questions or glances. This isn't the case when people might want to bring more than one other partner. Since many of these activities wouldn't normally be openly welcoming to people who are poly, it makes sense to create such activities where there is intention to create a space where people can be openly poly during such activities without having to deal with side glances or ignorance.

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I came to the realization that in my eyes, the community itself was the driving force behind friendships and not the friendships establishing the community.
I don't think that's necessarily always a bad thing. Forming friendships over common ideals or interests can be very rewarding. It doesn't have to be the only way to form friendships, but I find it one of many great ways to do so.

When it comes to communities forming out of organic pre-existing friendships, I find that to be wonderful. But I also find that communities formed over common ideals or practices to be wonderful as well. They are simply different ways to connect. I like to embrace the power of "and" in such situations.

The sheer number of posts about this particular poly community that have come from you and Redpepper seems to suggest that it is a dysfunctional community or one that you simply don't feel is a good fit for you. That's fine, but I would be cautious of using that example of an ideals/identity-based community as evidence of how all ideals/identity-based communities are flawed.
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  #12  
Old 03-01-2010, 02:17 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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All good points Ceoli, thanks for the input No need to caution me though, I can handle myself quite well. I do see plenty of disfunction in lots of communities besides our own LOL! I see some as almost having a cultish following with leaders that speak of life experiences they themselves haven't experienced which is truly humorous. Disfunction abounds!.
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  #13  
Old 03-01-2010, 02:20 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
LOL! I see some as almost having a cultish following with leaders that speak of life experiences they themselves haven't experienced which is truly humorous. Disfunction abounds!.
Dude, I'm standing right here!
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  #14  
Old 03-01-2010, 04:04 AM
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Why was there a need to always associate social activities among like-minded people around the one primary thing they shared in common?
I hear ya Mono! I was thinking of this a lot this weekend. I feel partly at home with poly folk. I feel partly at home with people who have the same disability as me. Another part relates to back-to-the-landers and off grid-ers. Yet another part geeks out with musicians.... raw foodies...

So, I hear what you're saying.

I've spent most of my life feeling like I don't fit in. For all sorts of reasons. So, I guess it's a smattering of different communities put together that helps a person feel at home. Or maybe, a close family who really gets you, (chosen family included) and other communities that share some interests.

Wow, I'm really tired. I don't think I'm making sense.
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  #15  
Old 03-01-2010, 07:22 AM
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You made total sense rolypoly and I agree. For me it's matter of not getting in too deep with people that I know don't fit my life. I tend to over invest in people without really knowing who they are.

I'm learning and am in a safe place right now to do so... so why not?!
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  #16  
Old 03-01-2010, 05:11 PM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
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Something caught my eye in another thread I was reading, the BDSM one. Mono, you referred to the 'culture' of BDSM and I wondered. What define's 'culture' and 'community' in the poly sense? Can you be part of the poly culture and not the community? Just thinking out loud
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  #17  
Old 03-01-2010, 05:31 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by booklady78 View Post
Something caught my eye in another thread I was reading, the BDSM one. Mono, you referred to the 'culture' of BDSM and I wondered. What define's 'culture' and 'community' in the poly sense? Can you be part of the poly culture and not the community? Just thinking out loud
Interesting question. I think my relationship with BDSM is a better example for clarity. I enjoy BDSM with Redpepper. I like public events and "in the bedroom". I'm not sure if I would like private play parties as they would probably involve a level of open sexuality that I am not interested in. We'll see I think

With Redpepper I explore and enjoy the culture of BDSM as in the activities and energies. I do not consider myself a part of the community nor do I wish to be identified as part of that community with such things as online profiles. . (I do have one but it is essentially blank and I use it for the sole purpose of lurking LOL) When I am at public events with her I am in character, outside of that its business as usual; my play is with her.

So the short answer…Culture involves activities and how I live my life whether with others or not. Community refers to a collection of people for me.
The poly community is not necessary to me but I've never been big on needing community of any sort; the poly culture is important because it allows me to have Redpepper in my life.
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  #18  
Old 03-01-2010, 11:50 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by booklady78 View Post
Something caught my eye in another thread I was reading, the BDSM one. Mono, you referred to the 'culture' of BDSM and I wondered. What define's 'culture' and 'community' in the poly sense? Can you be part of the poly culture and not the community? Just thinking out loud
Booklady,

Now THAT is a wonderful, interesting question !
My mind was wandering in that direction the other day when I got into that mode (again) of trying to better understand all the divisiveness in the world - and why it seems to be growing rather than abating.

I look at the race issues.
I look at the GLTB issues
I look at stuff I see taking place in the poly world
I look at religious cultures

It seems to mostly come down to just that. "Culture"
It's not the actual color of a persons skin that causes a divide.
It's not where a person care to put their tongue during sex

It's all about the myriad of little things that seem to become common among any group. It's speech, music, dress, food preferences, beliefs etc etc. These are 'culture" and for any of us a particular 'culture' may just rub us wrong. It just feels .....unappealing.

So you now are faced with the challenge of how to allow a "community" to start, grow and thrive by somehow embracing, or at LEAST providing space (respectfully) for different 'cultures' within that community.

Granted - it's not always easy.
So it's easier not to even try !

But somehow - THAT 'culture' just feels..........unappealing.

GS
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  #19  
Old 03-01-2010, 11:50 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I think we may over-use the term "community", and I am probably as guilty of this as the next person.

A community is a group of people that shares a set of values.
Quote:
In human communities, intent, belief, resources, preferences, needs, risks, and a number of other conditions may be present and common, affecting the identity of the participants and their degree of cohesiveness.
and
Quote:
The word is often used to refer to a group that is organized around common values and social cohesion within a shared geographical location, generally in social units larger than a household.
(Both are from Wikipedia)

I would like to propose that calling any online of the online poly social networking systems a "community" may be giving it more weight than it deserves and may increase expectations beyond what could be considered reasonable.

I believe that a community needs to share a set of values whereas the poly "community" shares precisely one (and most often they can't even agree on what that one really means). Therefore to expect that just because a group of people are poly that they will/should have other things in common or should necessarily all get along is unrealistic and it puts unrealistic pressure on those communities.

I have met some highly obnoxious people who self-identify as poly, and some very nice ones too.

I like mixing with poly folk simply because I like the idea of not having to hide the fact that I have two loving relationships, but that's about where it ends as far as expectations. The rest is up to the individuals involved. As Ceoli says, I like to explore the power of "and".
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Last edited by CielDuMatin; 03-01-2010 at 11:52 PM.
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  #20  
Old 03-02-2010, 04:30 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
I think we may over-use the term "community", and I am probably as guilty of this as the next person.

A community is a group of people that shares a set of values.


I was just thinking about that. A lot of what we have described as "community" are actually better described as "networks". Me with my cats and roller-derby, redpepper with her poly group, and THIS FORUM are all more accurately defined as networks rather than communities. I am not here because I SHARE a "set of values" with everyone else here. What we share is a conscious choice to embrace a somewhat controversial lifestyle, but is has played out time and time again that we all don't share the same values as to the ideal way to live that lifestyle.
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