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  #11  
Old 09-16-2013, 09:30 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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OK, her own kids don't listen to her, she is a somewhat ineffective parent? Yet, she has full custody and could take them to another state if she so pleased, at any time?

You're a better mom, both to your own kids and to hers? So, your h being going more than he is home (by a long shot! one week home, 5-9 weeks away!), he wants his kids with her to have a more effectual mom (step-mom) than his ex?

He comes home and has to have sex with her a few times in that one week, and that keeps her feeling wanted enough that she will stay with you, in your house, and you get more siblings for your own kids. This helps heal a childhood wound of yours...

But she is jealous of his time spent with you, and she is jealous of your time spent with him. And he doesn't trust her, or love her (much, if at all), but will fuck her just to keep her there so neither woman has to be a single mom while he's away 5-9 weeks at a time.

Very unusual situation. Almost Biblical.
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  #12  
Old 09-18-2013, 02:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
OK, her own kids don't listen to her, she is a somewhat ineffective parent? Yet, she has full custody and could take them to another state if she so pleased, at any time?

You're a better mom, both to your own kids and to hers? So, your h being going more than he is home (by a long shot! one week home, 5-9 weeks away!), he wants his kids with her to have a more effectual mom (step-mom) than his ex?

He comes home and has to have sex with her a few times in that one week, and that keeps her feeling wanted enough that she will stay with you, in your house, and you get more siblings for your own kids. This helps heal a childhood wound of yours...

But she is jealous of his time spent with you, and she is jealous of your time spent with him. And he doesn't trust her, or love her (much, if at all), but will fuck her just to keep her there so neither woman has to be a single mom while he's away 5-9 weeks at a time.

Very unusual situation. Almost Biblical.
Magdlyn,
She was granted custody (she left and fled to another state across country) because in most cases if the mom can't be proven unfit the kids are given to her. In this case, when she left and my husband fought for custody they said that they had been with her for too long to grant him the custody and they had no proof of her being unfit at all. (when she took off it took over a year to track her down and find her in order to do the divorce and custody battles). She still has full legal custody. for now.

My husband has the idea to let her stay with us and then at tax time when he claims them on taxes to prove he and I have been supporting the kids, then we have a better chance of getting them. Since she has no home, job, or anything other than custody payments we have better grounds to fight for them. This also makes it easier as they will be able to say they enjoy staying with us more than with her alone.

Even then, I still feel that the kids do need their own mother because it is important for kids to have their biological parents in their lives as much as possible. Neither of mine were ever really in my life much and I was raised by grandparents or aunts and uncles, back and forth. Due to this I felt, as a child, that my parents didn't care. I don't want that for any of my step-kids.

Despite all this, I do care for her and love her in my own way. He does care about her because she is his kids' mother.

I just want everything to be able to be smoothed out so the kids can have a happy and functional family unit that are strong and there for them no matter what. This also helps them be able to have someone to go to when they need it. If they can't go to her, then they can come to me and my husband or vice versa.

I don't know about biblical, but unusual, yes. That's why I asked for advice on some ways to help open communication between her and him in order for it to be easier for the 3 of us to be able to communicate on all levels, especially important ones. She and I communicate great when alone. He and I communicate superbly, always have. but she and him do not.

Since sitting down and having talks with them, she has done much better on dealing with her jealousy issues about my spending time with him and him with me. A lot of it was due to when he comes home a lot of my time has been taken away from her. She finally opened up and said she felt like he was taking me from her, in a way. So we agreed that when he is home that her and I would get a few hours alone for a day or two at some point during that week. She has also said that she had gotten used to having me all to herself the majority of the time and it bothered her to have that suddenly "taken away". I just wish she would have let us know this before it started causing issues for her and all of us. We would have been able to come up with a solution if she would have said something about it. (She was raised Mormon and grew up in a polygymous family, so she is familiar with poly of some form.)

We are still having issues with her communicating properly with him or the two of us together, BUT we are still working on it. She has been on her meds and that has also helped a lot with her moods, as it is slowly getting more leveled out. THANK goodness! lol.

KDT, I certainly will keep you guys updated.
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  #13  
Old 09-18-2013, 07:40 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Is she aware of this idea:

Quote:
My husband has the idea to let her stay with us and then at tax time when he claims them on taxes to prove he and I have been supporting the kids, then we have a better chance of getting them. Since she has no home, job, or anything other than custody payments we have better grounds to fight for them. This also makes it easier as they will be able to say they enjoy staying with us more than with her alone.
If not, why not?

If yes, does she consider this him / you demonstrating "caring behavior" toward her?

Quote:
she has no home, job, or anything other than custody payments.
Quote:
I just wish she would have let us know this before it started causing issues for her and all of us.

Are you able to see the skewed power dynamic here?

Did you consider asking each player for their willingness/ability to continue to participate in this polyship in a healthy way? What was the outcome of your consideration?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-18-2013 at 07:47 PM.
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  #14  
Old 09-18-2013, 09:51 PM
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AilaLynn AilaLynn is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Is she aware of this idea:



If not, why not?

If yes, does she consider this him / you demonstrating "caring behavior" toward her?






Are you able to see the skewed power dynamic here?

Did you consider asking each player for their willingness/ability to continue to participate in this polyship in a healthy way? What was the outcome of your consideration?

Galagirl
No, I do not see the power dynamic here. Please elaborate? If it pertains to my husband's idea on getting custody, that is his idea and his plan. It was not and is not mine. The only thing I am attempting to do is better the communication between all and ensure all involved can be happy.

Though I do know she has said that a lot of times she feels inadequate because she is unable to communicate at and on the same level and same wavelength my husband and I do with each other. This is not a power dynamic, but rather the way she is?

I just know that I am fighting to get everyone involved to communicate openly in order to make this work. I did ask all parties involved if they are willing to continue to participate in this poly relationship in a healthy way. They all agreed with me that there needs to be better communicate between ALL parties involved, not just between her and him or me and her, but ALL of us. She has been trying to work on it, but she has only been working on it towards me. She still goes off on my hubby quite a bit. He has attempted to gain better communication with her, but hasn't tried that hard. He is willing to be involved in the poly relationship for his own reasons (the ones I tried to explain as being his reasoning in previous posts). I'm willing for several reasons myself (being as I have always been open to poly, care for her, want the kids here, want everyone to be able to be happy and fulfilled and be able to have a wonderful life all together). She wants it because she cares for him and I and because she knows we are trying to help her.
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  #15  
Old 09-18-2013, 10:57 PM
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Re:
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"She finally opened up and said she felt like he was taking me from her, in a way. So we agreed that when he is home, she and I would get a few hours alone for a day or two at some point during that week."
Sounds like you made some progress there; that's good to hear.
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  #16  
Old 09-19-2013, 05:36 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Your GF (his ex) has no other home and no money other than his payments to her. So how "free" is she to tell you how she really feels about you, about him, or about the dynamic?

When one wrong word could mean you guys kicking her out of the home, stopping payments, and her having to chase him through the courts for it? All with having to provide for the kids and start all over?

That's what I mean about a skewed power dynamic.

She may SAY pretty things to you and to him... but how authentic could it be?

You keep "fighting" to make a thing that won't naturally fly, fly.

Your hubby seems like he is in it for ulterior motives -- "to set her up" an gain legal custody of the kids.

That's all messed up sounding to me and does not bode well. It does not sound healthy to me. I am sorry.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-19-2013 at 05:39 AM.
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  #17  
Old 09-19-2013, 10:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Your GF (his ex) has no other home and no money other than his payments to her. So how "free" is she to tell you how she really feels about you, about him, or about the dynamic?

When one wrong word could mean you guys kicking her out of the home, stopping payments, and her having to chase him through the courts for it? All with having to provide for the kids and start all over?

That's what I mean about a skewed power dynamic.

She may SAY pretty things to you and to him... but how authentic could it be?

You keep "fighting" to make a thing that won't naturally fly, fly.

Your hubby seems like he is in it for ulterior motives -- "to set her up" an gain legal custody of the kids.

That's all messed up sounding to me and does not bode well. It does not sound healthy to me. I am sorry.

Galagirl
I never quite looked at it that way. It saddens me to do so though, because I truly want something great and fulfilling. Probably because I do care for everyone so much. I don't want her to go at all. Even if she does decide to not be involved with us or me, we will get her a place nearby at least so the kids can be near to us. My husband has told her this plenty of times, "If you don't want to be here or with us then I will get you your own place if that is what you want." My husband is true to his word, so I do believe that if she ever decided she wanted out or anything that he would make good on his word and get her a smaller place nearby. I hope it won't ever come to that, but if it does I would hope she genuinely cares for me to still be with me at least.
So, despite the power dynamic appearance, she does have options and choices and we would help. He just won't help if she decides to go back across country again to her mother.
Am I just fooling myself in hoping or trying so hard? Should I even bother to try? I mean it seems to be doing better with communicating between her and I. and a somewhat attempt between him and her. He did care more for her at one time, is it possible for it to get back to that point at least a little bit? We are putting her through college/university in jan. because it is what she wants, so we are doing everything we can to make sure she is happy. He more on the financial aspects , me more on the emotional and everything else she could need or want (she even says I spoil her a lot), but I can only do so much.

Ugh now I am gonna be questioning everything everyone does when it pertains to this.

This just sucks because it was something agreed to initially when it developed, if I had any inkling that no one would have truly made efforts I wouldn't have agreed to go along with it. I just don't want anyone to be doing it for "obligations" and I want everyone to genuinely care. I guess if things can't be fixed so that those two can be as happy as I am when with them individually, then I suppose I'll have to chalk it up as a painful loss and try again with someone else I know he can care for just as much. I just don't feel right being with someone without him being with them too, in a lot of ways it makes me feel wrong to leave him out of anything. He's so much a part of me and my life I want him to be as happy as I am and I do know he is open to the lifestyle, so I know he can be fulfilled in all ways. Does that make sense?
I was just truly hoping the first attempt would be better than it turned out to be. I'm just having difficulties understanding why everyone can't be as happy as I would like. As I said earlier, they did care for one another at one point in time, so why is it so hard for them to be able to muster that up enough to make this work?

Btw, in case you were wondering, Yes, he was the one to bring up the whole POSSIBILITY of the poly thing initially (but he knew from the time we met that I am open to it). Then we sat down and discussed it and we both agreed to it, then he broached it with her when she still lived across country, and she agreed to it as a possibility and moved down here. We completely funded her move. Then she completely agreed to it when she met me. So, that part is what is making it hard for me to understand some things. Like, why would she agree to it and make the move across country if she wasn't okay with it? Why would he broach it if he wasn't willing to even try or truly be into it? This is making my head spin in trying to pinpoint what needs to be fixed so that things can move forward, no matter what way it will go. *sighs*

Thanks for the different views and such, it helps me to see things I hadn't seen or noticed before. It helps to know what I am dealing with so I know what to do.

Last edited by AilaLynn; 09-19-2013 at 12:21 PM.
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  #18  
Old 09-19-2013, 08:54 PM
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Re:
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"As I said earlier, they did care for one another at one point in time, so why is it so hard for them to be able to muster that up enough to make this work?"
To answer that question, I think you'd have to dig to the root of what made them decide to break up in the first place. That would probably take some heavy-duty communication on both their parts, and may require a (poly-friendly) counselor. Did they both decide to break up, or was that mainly his idea?

Re:
Quote:
"Yes, he was the one to bring up the whole *possibility* of the poly thing initially. Then we sat down and discussed it and we both agreed to it, then he broached it with her when she still lived across country, and she agreed to it as a possibility and moved down here. We completely funded her move."
The desire to be with one's kids is a powerful force. It is unfortunately possible that he initiated all this because it was the only way he could think of to get his kids back, even if he didn't *necessarily* intend to snatch custody away from her. The point is, getting her to move back to your part of the country does give him considerable access to his kids that he otherwise wouldn't have. So his motives have to be questioned. It would unfortunately explain why he doesn't *really* want to have sex with her.

I get the impression that she wants to repair her relationship with him, but he isn't quite so interested in repairing his relationship with her. It sounds like he's doing the bare minimum in that area, of what's necessary to keep his kids around.

The situation might not be hopeless though. Even if his motives aren't 100% pure, there's a chance that your encouragement to keep him and her communicating may lead to an insight of something that could fix their relationship. But it's also possible that this is a job for a professional, so if you can find a poly-friendly counselor (for all three of you), by all means do so.

At the moment, what I see is that his current amount of effort is just enough to keep her -- and their kids -- around. Plus he now has a back-up plan to take the kids from her if she tries to move across the country again. Which adds up to less incentive for him to try to improve things with her any more than he already has. So you have your work cut out for you if you want to fix the him-her dynamic. There's a limit to what you can do since you aren't in their dyad. Both of them need to be willing to put considerable effort into this.

What might make this seem the most worth it to him? perhaps that it would be good for his kids to see him and their mother getting along better? that it would reduce the hassle required to keep his kids in his home? If a selfish motive is what he has to start with, maybe it can morph into something more sincere after his relationship with her begins to improve. But once again, I think you'd need (with lots of their help) to dig down to the reason/s he and she broke up in the first place.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. We can't be mind readers, so we can't know what's going on in his mind, but we can make guesses based on the known facts. I guess the question now is, do you still feel like it's worth it to you? If so, prepare yourself to work with what you have, even if what you have isn't as ideal as you originally believed.

I'm pulling for you to discover some good news.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #19  
Old 09-20-2013, 02:18 AM
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Re:

Did they both decide to break up, or was that mainly his idea?
She was the one who decided to leave him for the 3rd time. She has some chemical imbalance issues that made her and makes her extremely difficult to live with and she becomes irrational and explodes constantly. Hence, why she is on medication now (due to me pointing out to her she needs it so she can be better for her kids. They already resented her and hated her because of how she has acted for so long without meds and for taking them away from their dad in the first place). She felt it was becoming extremely unhealthy of an environment due to her issues, so she left. He was the one who pursued the divorce and finalized their relationship ending.



Quote:
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Re:
The desire to be with one's kids is a powerful force. It is unfortunately possible that he initiated all this because it was the only way he could think of to get his kids back, even if he didn't *necessarily* intend to snatch custody away from her. The point is, getting her to move back to your part of the country does give him considerable access to his kids that he otherwise wouldn't have. So his motives have to be questioned. It would unfortunately explain why he doesn't *really* want to have sex with her.
That makes sense why he isn't truly interested and doesn't try that hard. I, too, noticed he does the bare minimum to keep her happy to keep her here. He even grumbles and complains to me every time it is his night to spend alone with her. He avoids it for as long as possible and will sit up with me or seek me out to sit with me until he can't stay up any longer. I know he has told her a lot of times that if I ever leave because of her that she can forget being with him because if I'm not here he doesn't want anyone. He's also told her if I leave because of her then she goes too. It just sucks cause I hate to see her sad. It just sucks it would be for selfish reasons, you know. Yet, at the same time I can understand his want of his kids being around. I want them around too, but I'm not gonna make her stay if she doesn't want to. I can understand him not trusting her because she has screwed him over so many times, but to lead someone on just for the kids? I don't wanna be the one to tell her that he doesn't care for her (some of the things he tells me) because he should be the one to do that. But I think she already knows he doesn't because she has commented to me that she knows "he doesn't want me cause if he did he wouldn't tell me every chance he gets that if you go then I go."(her words).
also know he has told me he doesn't care what she thinks or feels about it when we decide to bring someone into a relationship with us. He says if we find someone we both click with and it goes into a relationship then it's gonna happen. He says she can get over herself and it is our life to be free to be with who we want to. I have to agree with that because I'm not limiting ourselves on the love we give out just because one person doesn't want us to do that.

Thank you for the insight kevin, I never questioned it being for reasons purely for the kids I assumed he did care at least a little or he wouldn't be dealing with the crap she puts him through. In that light, I guess you are right, people would put up with a lot if it meant getting to keep their kids.
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Old 09-20-2013, 05:10 AM
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Well, I hope she and he come to some kind peace about things eventually.
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