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  #151  
Old 09-10-2013, 04:43 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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So I joined a couple of groups. One just for me and one Woodsmith can do also. One is a local submissive group that had monthly discussions and one is a local poly discussion group (online and monthly face to face).

Still planning on doing munches ad often as possible.

Saturday I'm performing fire. Two days till my interview. Looking at a couple of places Friday and Saturday. Things are starting to fall together. Even gave myself a time frame of when I think I'll be okay dating again. Want to get past what would have been our two year anniversary.
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Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #152  
Old 09-12-2013, 05:59 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Wishing I knew what to do to help Seven. It's hard still being in love with him, caring about him so much, not being able to be with him, and seeing him distraught.

Last night was the first Wednesday (what was our night) when we ended up in house alone. I actually at one point had to go to bed even though I want tired so I didn't do something I shouldn't (cuddle with him while he plays a video game) or fall apart.


This morning sent him a text asking if he was okay. Had come home last night off, was up till 4 (not common for him), and had taken the battery out of his phone (something he does when he is upset about something going on the phone). He admitted work has been stressful, he is still distraught about putting our relationship in ruins, and hates how he and I just get each other while that isn't the case for him and Lamian.

And I have no idea what to do.
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Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #153  
Old 09-14-2013, 09:34 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Found an incredible place today during house searching. 1000 square feet, good neighborhood, well set up, central AC/heat, can have a cat, no problems for only 395.

Putting in the application and fingers are crossed that we (myself and Woodsmith) get the place. I love it.
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Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #154  
Old 09-15-2013, 01:41 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Came to a realization last night. While at my show was talking to a couple of friends on how I'm doing (one who heard about things the day after it happened, one who just found out last night and was in shock). Those talks (both of which had me break down slightly which is just proof I know I'm not ready to move on) got me thinking and on the way back I shared my realization with Woodsmith.

Seven and Lamian's relationship is never going to be at an okay place for him and I to get back together. One thing I realized is that they have both done the whole "relationship broken, add more people". Lamian started seeing Darkeyes because her and Seven were fighting daily. Seven started seeing Peaseblossum because he and Lamian were separated. Hell, Seven started seeing me when they were still having near daily fights and she was never home. And even though we were happy together (my one friend comment when I was telling her about the message he sent me when I was concerned about him that we are probably soul mates) that he's so afraid of what might happen to Lamian to let it happen. They've been together 10 years and both of them are too scared to possibly not be together cause they don't know how then to look at their problems and possibly fall apart because of them. What ever communication/relationship issues they are having are not ever going to be addressed because if they are, then they may not be able to figure out how to fix them. And since that's a big part of what would need to be done for him and I to get together it won't happen.

And I can't wish that things blow up (which is probably the only way we'd be able to get together again) because that would mean that he's not doing good then. And I wouldn't want to see him hurt that way just for us to be together.

What sucks I know that they still aren't good. They can act okay around people but he still has many complaints about Lamian and Darkeyes. I know that he's told her at least 3 times that she needs to choose between them but nothing even comes of it so I know they'll just going to keep going in this circle.

I'm still completely in love with him, will probably always love him, and he'll always be incredibly dear and deep in my heart. But my feelings don't matter in this case and even though I'd bend over backwards to be with him, it won't happen.
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Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #155  
Old 09-15-2013, 02:56 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Had another larger drop today. I realize I have little ones at least once or twice a day still.

But this one was a larger one. Lamian was talking about how after going to Six Flags today going to visit a Master friend of her, Darkeyes, and kinda Seven. And he's going to start working with her on needle play and fire cupping. Fire cupping was one of the things Seven and I were actually doing a lot of research on. He saw me drop, we talked a little while she was on the phone with Darkeyes. He mentioned how much this is all still sucking for him and promised to have a time to talk with me when there's more time and not just a short dump of everything that's making him upset. Had a couple of really long, lingering hugs this morning. Once when he first got up, and one after what he said.

:/
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Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #156  
Old 09-15-2013, 03:58 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Hi CG,

I'm new here but finished reading through your blog. I've been confused about the dynamics of the beginning of everyone's involvement so I found your introduction. It is amazing to me that Lamian started seeing Seven when she was 13 and he was 15. After finding this knowledge, I have to say that both of them are still very immature in dealing with their feelings and the bottom line for both of them appears they are just very much co-dependent on each other. I don't know if a couple who started seeing each other in their teens and never dated another until their early 20's will ever be able to have healthy relationships without being on their own. To me, for you, means any type of relationship with Seven will not be healthy until he really finds himself and can be on his own.

I wish you luck on this journey and honestly, moving out with your husband will be best for you. You're needs are ignored, you are treated like you are the one immature on this adventure (both Lamian and Seven have been projecting onto you their personal immaturity issues) and it's not healthy for you to stay with them. Letting go of love is a hard task to accomplish but for your sanity, you should ask yourself if it's all really worth it? Trust me, you'll have bad days and good days and there is so much more to your life than having these two in it.

The world is your oyster, so to speak. Why not get more in touch with your self, your husband (who appears to be an introvert) and focus on you two for now. I didn't come to poly until recently and I am 41. Have I missed out on much? I don't think so and I still have many more years left to share my love and myself with others.
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  #157  
Old 09-16-2013, 02:41 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Last couple of days have been very emotionally draining.
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Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #158  
Old 09-17-2013, 01:11 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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So Sunday was a largely down day with one hell of a twist at the end. Day starts off with a drop from Lamian mentioning that she's going to have fire cupping done that day in front of Seven and I. This was something we had spent a couple of weeks looking into and the only reason we hadn't yet is because we didn't have the proper glassware for it.

Later on met up a friend who is going through something similar (he had his two secondaries break up with him this week because of life getting hectic to the point they don't have time). Another time of talking about him that just made me upset because of how much I still love him.

Later on, in between Six Flags and the fire cupping visit (that Seven was going to with Lamian and Darkeyes even though he wasn't being invited to participate), a friend Katterina came by. She was originally only going to stay for a little bit but she and I started talking (she also just had a break-up because she found out her boyfriend was cheating on her). During that talk I found out a bit of how Seven is doing with this. And it's not well. Even though he's not much of a crier, she commented anytime he talked about me his face would fall and most of his talking was just of how he regretted what he did. She even said to me that she may talk to Lamian about the fact that how she's been acting in regards to my relationship with Seven isn't fair. Lamian had seen that because she didn't want something happening (even though she didn't mention it until she snapped about it) that he had been cheating on her with me for 18 months (even though she had said us being together was fine). Katterina hopes that if someone not in the mix of things points out that Lamian expects and demands that Seven give her fair run to have her relationship with Darkeyes go however they want the fact she didn't allow that with us is a double standard she shouldn't be holding and she needs to be okay with us back together.

That night I woke up about 2ish and saw him up. He mentioned that he told Lamian how what she said had hurt me and she told him she would apologize to me (hasn't happened yet and she did see me yesterday). When he got up to "go back to his nightmares" he reached out for me and we held hands for a little bit.

I couldn't get back to sleep till about 4. Then woke up around 4:45. Taboo (that's the husky who will not be getting a nickname) woke up Seven around 5 to go out for a little bit. After that we ended up cuddling/talking a little. He told me that he still loves me and wants me back more than anything. He also stated that even though he isn't any of these things now he still thinks of and has the emotions of being my boyfriend and my protector (which he did say even though he wasn't my boyfriend right now he will still protect me) and everything else. I told him that I was in the same position. He then said that even though he had done this in an attempt to not end up losing Lamian he's feeling like he may still have to end things with her. And that because of how much stress he's under right now in regards to that is why he isn't ready to start back up with me. After all that (and a bunch of us telling each other again that we love the other) we actually ended up going to sleep on the couch together so we could hold each other.

The next morning I realized that I can't let him go. So I let him know that whenever it gets to the point we can be together I will be waiting. Because I want him back just as much. Brought the first smile I've seen on his face in weeks. So, I guess things are slowly getting repaired there. Now I just wait.
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Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive

Last edited by CattivaGattina; 09-17-2013 at 01:14 PM. Reason: added a little more.
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  #159  
Old 09-17-2013, 01:46 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Don't you feel like it's too little, too late? Seven is so wishy-washy. When is he going to stand up for himself and not let Lamian decide his life for him? I wouldn't hold my breath, if were you, waiting to see if he ever gets his balls back from her! It may have been a nice moment to reconnect with him, but then what have you got? Just a nice moment and some hope. You can't count on that - actions speak louder! I say, keep going on with getting strong inside yourself and developing your sense of self-worth so that the shifting tides of the ones you love don't constantly throw you as they have done before. Be your own woman, your own primary. Invest in you!
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #160  
Old 09-18-2013, 04:12 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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As much as I would want to say yes, I know I shouldn't and possibly end up getting hurt again, I can't. There's too much of me that not only wants but needs him in my life. I mean even to the point that I'm willing to allow limitations consistently put on our relationship as long as it means I get to be with him.

I wouldn't say he's my soul mate perse, but we make each other whole some way.
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Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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