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Old 09-14-2013, 10:04 AM
Eponine Eponine is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 125

Originally Posted by lemondrops View Post
Thank you all for replying, but you have misunderstood a very important thing. These two rules are not mine. I did not come out with these and he did not have to agree on them. We BOTH discussed them and some of these rules are more his than mine, especially the "no strangers" one. So the problem is that if these are our rules, what is the matter? I of course understand that asking such things limits the amount of people who you can date with, but I would not ask such a thing if he was against it, the thing is that was the first one to come up with it. So this makes it more difficult for me to understand why I sometimes have to feel guilty.
Maybe he thought it would be easy to stick to the rules at first, but found it difficult in practice. Since you wouldn't insist on these rules if he was against them, why can't you two have a talk and re-negotiate the rules?

Also, I think there needs to be a solid reason for every rule. When either of you suggests a rule, ask yourselves: What purpose will this rule serve? Can it be achieved through a better way? Personally I think most (if not all) of the common rules in poly relationships (such as "only dating mutual friends," "no oral/vaginal/whatever sex," and "no overnight stays") can be replaced with better communication and soul-searching, which would lead to healthier relationships for everyone involved.
Heteroromantic asexual female, sex-positive, childfree, relationship anarchist.
Married to G, and in a partially non-romantic, completely non-sexual and long-distance triad with A and L.
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Old 09-18-2013, 03:47 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,861

Let me try to sum up...(I could be wrong).
  • You are monoamorous and love only him/date only him.
  • You have agreed to enter into an open model relationship with him and end the monogamous relationship you once shared.
  • You have no desire to see anyone else.
  • He wants to date other people.

You agreements for this to happen were:
  • No strangers. Only people you've known for a while.
(WHAT? Sex with strangers? Or dates with strangers? and WHO? That HE has known for a while, YOU have known a while or BOTH have known a while?)
  • He will be "out" and notify your mutual friends and his potential lovers that he is practicing polyamory.
This is to avoid friends getting the wrong impression -- that you are being cheated on or your boyfriend is a cheater.

You are afraid...
  • People might get the wrong idea.
  • People start treating you like a victim for being with boyfriend while he also dates other people.
  • That people might start treating you bad. (How? What other ways?)
  • People will try to cowgirl him away from you -- and disrespect your relationship with him as "not really serious" or "not really valuable" if he's dating others

That all sounds like you crave reassurance from your BF.

Today he pushed me in the direction of him just chatting up girls whom he likes. I was so sad and offended...we made rules, we BOTH said we are very happy with them and nobody loses anything and now he tries to get more out of it.
If he doesn't talk to women he likes, how do they get to become "People I've known for a while?"

How is this getting "more out of it?"

I am confused.

But he has not done those things. (tell the friends.)
Well, if you are participating in a polyship and you fear being treated badly... what have you done to meet your own need for being "out" so people don't think you are being cheated on/he is a cheater? Have you considered telling them yourself?

If he has not followed through on agreement and this is not helping to reassure you -- have you asked him to do it? Could you ask what is preventing him from doing it?

Both could co-own responsibility for making sure agreements get executed.

It makes me feel bad because indeed he suggested that maybe he can already start chatting up someone AND because he seems to put some blame on me for not already having what he wants - more relationships. I am not standing in his way, so I don't get it why he still isn't satisfied with this issue. I thought it would make him happy to know that I am supporting him.
Is he clear on what he needs from you? What behavior you are supposed to be doing/not doing?

So you support him in the WAY he wants support? You do not elaborate.

Oh, and the long letter I wrote him. I reread it to make sure it was ok and I am really happy with it, very clear and nice. I asked him what did he think of it, he said "OK"
He answered you.

"What did you think of the letter?"
"It was ok."
If the real question was

"Could you be willing to reassure me please? I want to feel safe and I am scared."
...you could ask straight up for what you need from him. Spell it out.

Why isn't he happy then? He gets to have what he wants if he himself finds those other people and does not hurt me in a major way.
Have you delineated what behavior would/could hurt you "in a major way?" So he knows what to do/not to do?

If you DO get hurt unintentionally, what's the plan for resolving it?

He could also note that while he has new dating to look forward to to help him move beyond his grief process for ending the monoship? You do NOT have that. You will process grief for the ending in a different way and he could be aware/sensitive of that. So you can both minimize poly hell kinds of feelings. Maybe you could talk about those things ahead of time so you could be reassured.

It takes TIME for the "new normal" to feel normal.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-18-2013 at 01:24 PM.
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