Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #101  
Old 12-30-2009, 03:45 AM
Ravenesque's Avatar
Ravenesque Ravenesque is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 297
Question

Quote:
Originally Posted by sea View Post
Bottom line is ...my personal deffinition of swinging or poly may not be the same as anyone elses, but it is just that....my opinion.
We are all entitled to our opinions and shouldn't we be respecting the right of others to have their own opinions. We don't have to agree, just respect!
I agree. What makes me feel disconcerted is when others seek to highlight dynamics which exist in other's relationships as "not really being poly" because it differs from the activities they themselves engage in or the way they practice polyamory.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetie View Post
It may cynical... but the swingers can keep what they have. The ones I met this summer, made it perfectly clear that I was somehow lacking.
Do you feel this one encounter is indicative of how swingers generally behave?

I have encountered poly women who have had bad experiences with poly couples because of attitudes not dissimilar to what you described.

I would feel loathe to paint a broad brush over any group because of an experience I had with just one portion of it. However that is my approach and may not be others.

~Raven~
__________________
Are you a polyamorist or non-monogamous individual between the ages 18-35? Are you located in New York State or the Northeast?
Join us at The Network, a social and socially aware network which connects young polys and progressive polys of all ages.



~Open up your mind and let me step inside.
Rest your weary head and let your heart decide. It's so easy.
When you know the rules.
It's so easy. All you have to do is fall in love.
Play the game.
Everybody play the game of love. Yeah...~
Reply With Quote
  #102  
Old 12-30-2009, 09:41 PM
sweetie sweetie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 62
Default

Do you feel this one encounter is indicative of how swingers generally behave?
~Raven~
[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry if I was unclear. I do not feel that all swingers behave this way. I was giving a specific example of these couples. Not all the couples we met were condescending and rude. But over two nights, in two different towns, the overall experience for me was not one I would care to repeat.

I would have felt no differently if they were poly or mono. It wasn't because they were swingers that I had a difficult time, it was their attitude towards my partners and myself that I objected too. They were disrepectful to myself and my partners. What should have been a joyous and fun time turned into the three of us defending our relationship.

We've had to explain our relationship to many people over the years, I just never expected to be put in a position of having to defend our relationship to friends who also live an open lifestyle.

I can't speak for Tommy and Sea, but I can say that we've discussed that weekend at great length, and they were no less surprised by their attitude then I was. They were probably more disappointed then I was. I respect their right to choose to live their lives as they do, I'm just sorry the didnt respect ours.

Again I will apologize for making such a broad statement in saying swingers can keep what they have, but for me, whether you're open or closed in your relationship, I believe that I deserve the same respect that I have afforded you.
Reply With Quote
  #103  
Old 12-30-2009, 09:50 PM
Ravenesque's Avatar
Ravenesque Ravenesque is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 297
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetie View Post
I'm sorry if I was unclear. I do not feel that all swingers behave this way. I was giving a specific example of these couples. Not all the couples we met were condescending and rude. But over two nights, in two different towns, the overall experience for me was not one I would care to repeat.

I would have felt no differently if they were poly or mono. It wasn't because they were swingers that I had a difficult time, it was their attitude towards my partners and myself that I objected too. They were disrepectful to myself and my partners. What should have been a joyous and fun time turned into the three of us defending our relationship.

We've had to explain our relationship to many people over the years, I just never expected to be put in a position of having to defend our relationship to friends who also live an open lifestyle.

I can't speak for Tommy and Sea, but I can say that we've discussed that weekend at great length, and they were no less surprised by their attitude then I was. They were probably more disappointed then I was. I respect their right to choose to live their lives as they do, I'm just sorry the didnt respect ours.

Again I will apologize for making such a broad statement in saying swingers can keep what they have, but for me, whether you're open or closed in your relationship, I believe that I deserve the same respect that I have afforded you.
Thank you for clarifying Sweetie. I completely agree.

Behavior and disrespect of this nature from any is unacceptable. I'm sorry you had that negative experience. I'll never understand such intolerant attitudes from those who would want to be treated with acceptance especially within alternative communities.

~Raven~
__________________
Are you a polyamorist or non-monogamous individual between the ages 18-35? Are you located in New York State or the Northeast?
Join us at The Network, a social and socially aware network which connects young polys and progressive polys of all ages.



~Open up your mind and let me step inside.
Rest your weary head and let your heart decide. It's so easy.
When you know the rules.
It's so easy. All you have to do is fall in love.
Play the game.
Everybody play the game of love. Yeah...~
Reply With Quote
  #104  
Old 12-30-2009, 09:59 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetie View Post
I do not feel that all swingers behave this way. I was giving a specific example of these couples. Not all the couples we met were condescending and rude. But over two nights, in two different towns, the overall experience for me was not one I would care to repeat.
I think that neither the poly nor the swinger community is free of people who feel that acting boorishly is acceptable. Luckily I think that there are enough well-mannered people in both to counter the bullies and asses.

Quote:
They were disrepectful to myself and my partners. What should have been a joyous and fun time turned into the three of us defending our relationship.
See, I don't think there is any excuse for them for making you feel that way.

Quote:
We've had to explain our relationship to many people over the years, I just never expected to be put in a position of having to defend our relationship to friends who also live an open lifestyle.
Actually, this is something I have found is more common than you think in non-mainstream society. No matter what your approach and attitude is there are those that will assert that you are "doing it wrong" and force you to defend your own decisions. Whether it's relationship style, paganism, or BDSM - someone will be there not respecting your own decisions as your own and will be rudely challenging you on them, as if they have some sort of moral monopoly (or at least superiority) in that particular niche.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #105  
Old 02-18-2010, 10:40 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
someone will be there not respecting your own decisions as your own and will be rudely challenging you on them, as if they have some sort of moral monopoly (or at least superiority) in that particular niche.
Last night I listened to a radio documentary on CBC 90.5 that talked about morality. There was a study conducted on certain personality types that constantly need to feel right. They found that the sensation and physiological brian response those people felt when considering themselves right was the same as the "rewards" drug users and gamblers experience. They are essentially addicted to being right and cannot see or accept an opposing view.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #106  
Old 02-19-2010, 12:25 AM
Ravenesque's Avatar
Ravenesque Ravenesque is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 297
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Last night I listened to a radio documentary on CBC 90.5 that talked about morality. There was a study conducted on certain personality types that constantly need to feel right. They found that the sensation and physiological brian response those people felt when considering themselves right was the same as the "rewards" drug users and gamblers experience. They are essentially addicted to being right and cannot see or accept an opposing view.
That's fascinating. I've seen that response quite a few times on this forum. The reaction of some here to differing views can be passive aggressive to full out violent. Interesting tidbit you brought forth. Now I suppose I will see those who react in that way as drug addicts. I wonder if there is a 12 step program for those sad people.

~Raven~
__________________
Are you a polyamorist or non-monogamous individual between the ages 18-35? Are you located in New York State or the Northeast?
Join us at The Network, a social and socially aware network which connects young polys and progressive polys of all ages.



~Open up your mind and let me step inside.
Rest your weary head and let your heart decide. It's so easy.
When you know the rules.
It's so easy. All you have to do is fall in love.
Play the game.
Everybody play the game of love. Yeah...~
Reply With Quote
  #107  
Old 02-19-2010, 02:28 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ravenesque View Post
I wonder if there is a 12 step program for those sad people.

~Raven~
We can only hope.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #108  
Old 03-01-2010, 03:14 PM
lovebird13 lovebird13 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 15
Default The need to label

I'm new here. After reading most of this thread, what struck me the most was how on every site I've checked out and every group I've been around,
(swinger, BDSM, fetish, poly, vintage trailer, modern design enthusiasts, 'spiritual' people, essential oil lovers, pagans, etc., etc., ) there is the tendency to speak from an 'US and THEM' perspective. I realize it is human nature to want to belong and feel a part of, but I also feel a personal dedication to catch myself when I'm doing it and really try to stay open.

I am what is know as a unicorn (single woman)in the swinger world. I did not want involvement past a certain level. In 3 years, that world provided me what I needed to go fully into my sexuality and find out more about myself than 15 years of therapy, workshops, meditation, etc. I have found power in myself as a woman that I never knew I had. I have become an amazing lover with many skills. I have learned so much about sexuality in general and I'm still learning how much more there always is to learn.

Many swingers are against poly. Many poly people seem to be judgmental about swinging. There are narrow minded people everywhere. I don't want to be against anything... I strive to connect with the open, free spirited, happy people who don't have to label themselves or others to feel safe.

I always idealized poly as the future for me and now it may be happening with someone I met through swinging. Allowing the LOVE force to flow through me again is fantastic, healing and a blessed feeling. I do not feel I would have been ready for this and all the challenges it presents had I not done the swinger thing first.

So grateful to have found this site.
Reply With Quote
  #109  
Old 03-01-2010, 04:38 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default Welcome & thanks !

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovebird13 View Post
.........but I also feel a personal dedication to catch myself when I'm doing it and really try to stay open.
................
Many swingers are against poly. Many poly people seem to be judgmental about swinging. There are narrow minded people everywhere. I don't want to be against anything... I strive to connect with the open, free spirited, happy people who don't have to label themselves or others to feel safe.
.................
Allowing the LOVE force to flow through me again is fantastic, healing and a blessed feeling.
Hi Lovebird and thanks for stopping in and sharing your thoughts.

I agree that for the most part the folks I see contribute here are pretty aware of the human frailties inherent in the beast.

Fear of change (our views etc) is always one of those big ones. There's safety (false) in thinking we have it all "figured out". Hey - it's where religion got such a deep foothold !

Happy to see you dug deep into your own personal sexuality and continue to. Very healthy and to be admired !

GS
Reply With Quote
  #110  
Old 03-01-2010, 11:57 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovebird13 View Post
Many swingers are against poly. Many poly people seem to be judgmental about swinging. There are narrow minded people everywhere. I don't want to be against anything...
I share your views on this very strongly. I am not a swinger, nor do I have any interest in it, but just because it's not something that I want to do doesn't mean that I look down on it or think that is is in some way "inferior".

I have heard people say that one was some sort of natural evolution from the other - I don't hold with that any more than I hold with open relationships being someone intrinsically "better" than monogamous ones.

Just because we have different priorities and needs in life doesn't mean that we can't respect those differences.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
attachment, commitment, definitions, descriptions, lifestyle, poly, sex, swinging

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:39 PM.