Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #681  
Old 09-17-2013, 02:48 AM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 1,106
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Not everyone in bdsm likes the submission/dominance end. I just like to hurt my partners sometimes
Hehehehe...

I like the 'B' part. I fight too much to be a sub and have no desire to be a dom. I like the fight... (grr). I've been poking around reddit and follow this thread, but really, P and I play a bit now and then and find what works for us.

Colors, I wasn't trying to ding you, and I'll address your question, but it seems to me that BDSM is very similar to Poly in that there are very different ways of having a BDSM or Poly relationship, and my <insert "thing" here> may be very different from your <insert other, very different "thing" here>, all within the BDSM or Poly umbrella. It's something you'll have to negotiate for yourself, in your own relationships, and find what works for you. I know for me, pain play is extremely difficult (you'd think that after going through childbirth AND gallstones, I'd be ok with pain, but noooooo...), and although P gets a bit "bitey" from time to time, I'm sensitive as hell and bruise up pretty easily. It's all personal and requires negotiation for each individual. What you're interested in may click for some and not for others.

But that's okay.

Just negotiate, be safe, and make sure your boundaries are communicated beforehand. P has erred on the side of being *too* cautious, and I appreciate that. Better to end play before it gets bad, than to have it get to a bad place that you have to recover from.

Everyone has their own preferences, and communicating that is key.

Are you looking for tips on how to start exploring, or are you looking for like-minded folks? Or something else? Telling us what you're interested in doesn't really say what you're looking for by way of responses.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 14; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In a relationship with Chops. Dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In a relationship with Chops.

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
Reply With Quote
  #682  
Old 09-17-2013, 03:08 AM
ColorsWolf's Avatar
ColorsWolf ColorsWolf is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: CA, U.S.A.
Posts: 360
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
Hehehehe...

I like the 'B' part. I fight too much to be a sub and have no desire to be a dom. I like the fight... (grr). I've been poking around reddit and follow this thread, but really, P and I play a bit now and then and find what works for us.

Colors, I wasn't trying to ding you, and I'll address your question, but it seems to me that BDSM is very similar to Poly in that there are very different ways of having a BDSM or Poly relationship, and my <insert "thing" here> may be very different from your <insert other, very different "thing" here>, all within the BDSM or Poly umbrella. It's something you'll have to negotiate for yourself, in your own relationships, and find what works for you. I know for me, pain play is extremely difficult (you'd think that after going through childbirth AND gallstones, I'd be ok with pain, but noooooo...), and although P gets a bit "bitey" from time to time, I'm sensitive as hell and bruise up pretty easily. It's all personal and requires negotiation for each individual. What you're interested in may click for some and not for others.

But that's okay.

Just negotiate, be safe, and make sure your boundaries are communicated beforehand. P has erred on the side of being *too* cautious, and I appreciate that. Better to end play before it gets bad, than to have it get to a bad place that you have to recover from.

Everyone has their own preferences, and communicating that is key.

Are you looking for tips on how to start exploring, or are you looking for like-minded folks? Or something else? Telling us what you're interested in doesn't really say what you're looking for by way of responses.
Thank you for the kind and so sweet response.~ I'm a little sensitive right now after having a lot people attack me for something I didn't even say...
So it's comforting to me to hear you speaking to me in such kinds words, I could use some kind words right now...~

As for your questions about my thoughts of biting and scratching, I don't really know what I want.~ I just like the thought of scratching and biting a little bit maybe a lot I don't really know during sex.~ I guess I'm just trying to explore myself and what I like.~ I'm glad there are kind people still here like you to help me with these questions of mine.~ Thank you.~

Last edited by ColorsWolf; 09-17-2013 at 04:02 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #683  
Old 09-17-2013, 11:17 AM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 1,106
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ColorsWolf View Post
Thank you for the kind and so sweet response.~ I'm a little sensitive right now after having a lot people attack me for something I didn't even say...
So it's comforting to me to hear you speaking to me in such kinds words, I could use some kind words right now...~
You're welcome, but I really don't think this is a situation of a lot of people attacking you - many people were confused by your statements and asked for clarification, and instead received a reply stating that your comments were clear and being misinterpreted.

My point in my other response was that, regardless of how clear you think you're being, if a lot of people can't follow you, you may need to reevaluate what you're saying or how you're saying it. A teacher wouldn't be very successful if his students were confused, regardless of how clear he thought he was.

As for your question, it's worth exploring within your relationship(s). Talk about it and see what your partners think - maybe you'll be happily surprised.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 14; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In a relationship with Chops. Dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In a relationship with Chops.

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
Reply With Quote
  #684  
Old 09-17-2013, 07:05 PM
ColorsWolf's Avatar
ColorsWolf ColorsWolf is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: CA, U.S.A.
Posts: 360
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
You're welcome, but I really don't think this is a situation of a lot of people attacking you - many people were confused by your statements and asked for clarification, and instead received a reply stating that your comments were clear and being misinterpreted.

My point in my other response was that, regardless of how clear you think you're being, if a lot of people can't follow you, you may need to reevaluate what you're saying or how you're saying it. A teacher wouldn't be very successful if his students were confused, regardless of how clear he thought he was.

As for your question, it's worth exploring within your relationship(s). Talk about it and see what your partners think - maybe you'll be happily surprised.
Thanks!~ ^_^
Reply With Quote
  #685  
Old 09-17-2013, 09:16 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,415
Default

I just wanted to point out that even someone interested in BDSM like me still gets that feeling of incredible rage and immense frustration at not being able to fix it when I hear about anything happening non-consensually.
Actually, I would say I even have a hard time watching consensual BDSM. I really need to be part of it for it to be okay (and then it's more than ok, it's hot).

So I totally get it. I too am all for consensual BDSM relationships, but when I'm not part of a relationship I don't really know (I mean know inside of me, more that just logically knowing it because they told me so) that the people are consenting to everything, or how much they like it, and since I can't fix it because I'm not part of it, it makes me uncomfortable at best.

I feel there is a big amount of getting to know each other before you can do BDSM together because you need to be able to read each other. If at any time I felt like the other person wasn't enjoying themselves I would just lose it, it would stop being hot and would become disgusting and disturbing and I would have to stop everything. Being able to predict how far you can go or what you can`shouldn't do is essential to me. That doesn't work with strangers, even if I know they're enjoying it, so I'm not really able to differentiate between consensual and non-consensual when I'm merely an observer, therefore I don't wish to be one.

Fictional stories are fine because the way the characters feel about things is spelled out. Video porn is not because it's really happening to real people so the usual caveats apply.

However I am certainly fine with people having sex the way they want, and I am fine with porn that is consensual between the actors, too.
Reply With Quote
  #686  
Old 09-18-2013, 03:32 AM
MsChristy's Avatar
MsChristy MsChristy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 87
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
.

I feel there is a big amount of getting to know each other before you can do BDSM together because you need to be able to read each other. If at any time I felt like the other person wasn't enjoying themselves I would just lose it, it would stop being hot and would become disgusting and disturbing and I would have to stop everything. Being able to predict how far you can go or what you can`shouldn't do is essential to me. That doesn't work with strangers, even if I know they're enjoying it, so I'm not really able to differentiate between consensual and non-consensual when I'm merely an observer, therefore I don't wish to be one.

.
While there are many people in the BDSM communities that play without knowing each other very well, often it is more thought out than say just a casual sex night. Even if two people interested in BDSM are only planning on playing once, there is often a good deal of negotiation that goes into a scene, which allows those involed to get to know each other's interests, dislikes, and hard limits. While it is true they may not be able to read someone's non-verbals very well the first time play happens, a good play partner should be frequently checking in with the partner during the scene to make sure they are ok.

While certainally not everyone in BDSM does this, and there are those in every community that can be irresponsible, the actions I listed above are strongly encouraged throughout BDSM. While I am involved in BDSM with both of my poly partners, I have known them each for 5+ years so we all know how to read each other very well, and, as a result, don't really need to do much negotiating anymore. However, on the occasions where I do play with either a new person or someone I am not quite as familiar with playing with, I tend to do less intense, less involved scenes, with expectations clearly discussed beforehand. With new/occasional play partners I sometimes also check in a day or two after a scene to make sure they are ok, got what they wanted out of the scene, etc.
Reply With Quote
  #687  
Old 09-18-2013, 03:34 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

the "whatever floats you boat" mantra comes to mind.
Reply With Quote
  #688  
Old 09-18-2013, 03:35 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,352
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I just wanted to point out that even someone interested in BDSM like me still gets that feeling of incredible rage and immense frustration at not being able to fix it when I hear about anything happening non-consensually.
I'm pretty sure that anyone who is not a sociopath will have some level of repulsion at the idea of non-consensual sex of any variety.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I too am all for consensual BDSM .
Is there a widely practiced trend of non-consensual acts perpetrated in the BDSM world? I think it's odd when discussing sexual practices and preferences that making the designation "as long as it is consensual" is required. I realize that there will always be rare villains out there who will enslave people... but is it really so common in the BDSM environment that consensual needs to be a staple prefix?
__________________
Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #689  
Old 09-18-2013, 06:07 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,415
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
I'm pretty sure that anyone who is not a sociopath will have some level of repulsion at the idea of non-consensual sex of any variety.



Is there a widely practiced trend of non-consensual acts perpetrated in the BDSM world? I think it's odd when discussing sexual practices and preferences that making the designation "as long as it is consensual" is required. I realize that there will always be rare villains out there who will enslave people... but is it really so common in the BDSM environment that consensual needs to be a staple prefix?
It's more the other way around. I'm trying to explain that despite engaging in BDSM activity, and being totally ok with other people doing the same thing (intellectually), I'm uncomfortable watching people as I can't really differentiate when I'm not part of the scene.
So I'm not saying: "oh, but it's only fine when it's consensual", which I assume is obvious. I'm saying "even when it's consensual, and even though I think people should totally be able to do it, and even though I enjoy doing myself on a regular basis, watching does nothing for me and makes me feel horrible"

My point is that not being into BDSM isn't a pre-requisite to being completely turned off by seeing it done by strangers.
Reply With Quote
  #690  
Old 09-18-2013, 06:07 AM
ColorsWolf's Avatar
ColorsWolf ColorsWolf is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: CA, U.S.A.
Posts: 360
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
I'm pretty sure that anyone who is not a sociopath will have some level of repulsion at the idea of non-consensual sex of any variety.
This is entirely from your own perspective as it is debatable and ultimately no one really knows if compassion is intrinsic to all creatures or even just Humanity.~
But that's getting off-topic.~


Tonberry,

My feelings are more directed towards all creatures in general in relation to consent, one of the reasons I can not stand "pets" being treated as "slaves" and "property".~

When I see people in BDSM related play, I do not feel rage, because I assume that is consensual and they appear to be enjoying themselves.~

We as a species can not clearly understand others outside our own species and so non-Humans do not have that luxury of being able to give their "consent" of being in a cage like a Human can.~

I myself enjoy watching some BDSM acts, but I know because of my wild nature I would not be able to engage in such play willingly.~
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bdsm, d/s, discipline, dominant, fetishes, metamours, poly, relationships, sex play, submissive

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:08 AM.